Chapter Thirty-Seven
Guys, I'm sooooo sorry. I can't tell you how bad I feel for abandoning this story for so long (again). But now it's done. It's finished. This is the second to last chapter and the final one was finished a while ago. I just couldn't post it of course. I had to finish this first. Now I have. I had so much trouble with this because I was worried I'd forget something important. And perhaps I still have. If so, be sure to tell me so in your reviews.
Guy had not felt the chill while sitting on the steps. His leathers were thick, too thick to let anything through, and besides, his years as a soldier had hardened him against feeling the cold. He'd thought of himself as hardened against feeling any warmth, too, but he'd been mistaken. The warmness of Granny's small body against his side, he was able to feel it all too well.
And the moment she shifted away, he missed it.
Guy turned his head to look at her and noticed that she was shivering.
"You're freezing!" He berated himself for not realizing it sooner. Granny was an old woman; of course the cold would quickly seep into her frail body.
Granny smiled gently. "Will you help me inside?"
Guy hesitated. The truth was, he didn't want to go inside. He knew he wasn't welcome by the family. He would be tolerated at best, and eyed warily and with trepidation. And they'd want to know what had happened in Leicester, especially Allan.
Guy paled when he realized that Crispin had probably told them everything already.
"Guy?" Granny pulled him out of his thoughts. "Help me, please?"
Guy stood up and, unsure of how much help Granny would need or accept, held out his hand. She took it without hesitation. He pulled with one hand and, seeing that it wasn't enough, put the other around her back to steady her. He didn't meet her eyes but looked at their feet instead. Then, carefully, he led her up the porch and to the door.
Guy took a deep breath. Their eyes met and Granny smiled. "They won't bite you."
He stiffened. He wasn't afraid of a simple peasant and his family!
Without a reply Guy reached for the door and opened it. The murmured chatter inside ceased at once and he felt all eyes on him, as he led Granny towards the big table. The chair at the short end had been left vacant and Granny motioned for Guy to pull it out and help her sit down.
All through it he hadn't dared to lift his head. But once she was safely seated and he stood awkwardly beside her, Guy had no choice but to look up.
He met Crispin's gaze first. The boy looked embarrassed and quickly turned his head away. The others kept on staring at him. Nobody dared to say a word, not even Allan, who just studied him curiously.
Guy knew immediately that they'd been talking about him.
"Guy, sit down." Granny motioned to a small spot on the bench by her side. The girl who sat on the left let out a shocked squeak and hurried to scoot away, her eyes wide open with fear.
Guy shook his head. "No, I…"
"Guy," Granny took his hand and tried to pull him down. "Please, you are welcome to share our meal."
He pulled his hand away and took a step back. "No, I'm not hungry."
He turned on the spot and his long legs brought him to the door in two strides. "Guy!" Someone, probably Allan, called after him but he didn't stop.
The door closed behind him on Allan's second call. "Giz, come on!"
Guy turned to the left and walked a few paces. Once he'd reached the backside of the house he was able to breathe more easily.
"So, that went well, didn't it?" Allan's sarcastic voice broke the silence at last. He made a move as if to stand up but Granny shook her head. "Just leave him be, Allan. Let him have a moment on his own."
Allan sat down with a shrug. "Alright." Then he looked at Crispin across the table and picked up where they'd left before Guy's entrance had stopped the conversation. "So, you're saying, Marian just left you there without a word of goodbye?"
"Yes," Crispin's dark face showed how cross he was about it. "She just ran off, after Robin, without a look back. And she took our horse, too! We had to…" he broke off, his gaze flickering towards his father before he looked down, embarrassed once again. He knew what his parents would say if he told them that they'd had to steal a horse. Although he'd seen Sir Guy give the groom some money, he knew that it could never have been enough to buy a horse. After all, a fine horse such as that surely cost a fortune. No, they'd stolen it. And he didn't want his parents to have more reason to think badly of Sir Guy.
Thankfully Allan didn't question him any further but focussed on the Marian bit instead. "I was sure that she'd pick Giz in the end." He shook his head and frowned.
"I think this is enough for tonight," Tom stood up from the table and faced his children. "Off to bed with you. It's late."
"But father," Crispin looked up with pleading eyes. "I wanna…"
"No. It's time for bed."
The other children had stood up already, and Crispin grudgingly followed suit. He knew that it was pointless to argue when his father used that voice.
"You'll share John's room tonight," Tom told him.
"What?"
"But Luke's already with me," came John's prompt protest. "Why does everyone have to share with me?"
"Because Sir Guy will have Crispin's bed." Tom's face twisted into a smirk. "Or shall I tell Sir Guy to sleep in your room instead? Then Crispin and Luke can have theirs back."
"No!" John's face showed nothing but panic. "They can share with me. I don't want… I, no. It's alright, father."
"That's what I thought."
The boys went off to John's room. At the door Crispin turned to his father once again. "Father?"
"Yes?"
"Promise you'll make sure Sir Guy won't just leave? There's something I need to tell him."
Tom smiled slightly, secretly marvelling at the changes he could see in his son. Only a few days ago he'd never dared to voice such a thing. His confidence had surely grown. Tom nodded. "I'll let him know. I promise. Now, off you go. I'm sure you need to catch up on some sleep."
"Goodnight, father."
"Goodnight, Crispin."
Guy was leaning against the house, his head thrown back, arms crossed over his chest and his eyes closed. He wondered how long he'd be able to enjoy the solitude, before Allan would come looking for him. He'd seen it in the younger man's eyes before, in the brief moment he'd looked at him over the table. Allan was dying to know what had really happened in Leicester. He wanted to know where Marian was, what had passed between them… everything.
But Guy would not, could not share it with him. Talking about it wouldn't change things; it would only bring forth the pain once again. He'd so tried today to ban every thought of Marian from his mind. And he'd almost succeeded.
Guy let out a sigh and rubbed one hand over his eyes. He knew that he couldn't stay out here all night, no matter how much he longed for it. So he braced himself for returning inside when suddenly animated chatter reached his ears.
"Hey, give it back! That's my blanket!"
"Oh, shut up already, Luke. Nobody wants your stupid blanket anyway."
"Scoot over, John! I'm not gonna share a bed with him! He thinks he's Gisborne's friend now!"
Guy couldn't help it. He shifted closer to the small window the voices were coming from. It had to be the boys' chamber. He held his breath and waited for Crispin's reply.
"So what if I am?" The boy sounded defensive even for Guy's standards. "He saved my life."
"No, he didn't," one of his brothers countered. "You said that you managed to escape the Sheriff all by yourself. Or did you lie about that? I bet you did!"
"I didn't lie!"
"So Gisborne didn't save your life."
"Whatever," Crispin grumbled. "He's still my friend though."
"Why," one of them asked just when the other scoffed: "I don't believe that Gisborne thinks of you as his friend. You're nothing to him. And he doesn't have any friends. He thinks he's too good for friends."
"That's not true. He has friends. Allan is his friend. And Granny likes him, too. And Marian and Robin Hood…"
"Marian and Robin aren't his friends or they would have taken him with them to save the King. But instead they left! And now we are stuck with him! I wonder how long father will tolerate him here."
Guy's face darkened and he took a step away from the window. It was never easy to hear what others thought about oneself behind one's back, but this now… The children talking like that was bad enough already. He dreaded to know what adults would be thinking. It could only be worse.
Guy could feel hot anger stir inside. He didn't want to be tolerated by anyone, or be anyone's burden. He didn't want to be in anyone's debt. He didn't want anyone to feel like they were stuck with him. He could not bear the thought of having to rely on people's good graces. People he'd before not deemed worthy of even noticing, only when the Sheriff's orders had demanded it… he would not sink so low as to be at their mercy now!
He would leave this place behind and never look back. There was nothing here for him anyway, was there? Marian was gone, Crispin was back home with the safety of his family, so was Granny, and Allan… well, Allan could do as he pleased. He could either go back into the forest and live as an outlaw, join Little John in his fight, or he could decide to come with Guy. They could go away from Knighton and Nottinghamshire. Either way, Guy thought determined, he would not stay.
He'd go to bed now (if Crispin's father would offer him one, that is… he hadn't yet said) and in the morning he'd take the one thing he possessed, the stolen horse, and leave.
Guy hadn't lain down for long when he changed his mind. Unable to find rest in the too short and narrow bed he'd been given (it was Crispin's after all), he'd been tossing and turning and getting more restless with every minute that passed. The small room seemed to be closing in on him, and Allan's loud breathing made him think of a creature, dark and dangerous, lurking in the shadows and waiting for the right moment to pounce on him and devour him.
Guy huffed and turned onto his back. It was useless; he would not find sleep tonight. Not here, not feeling boxed-in like this.
'So why wait till morning? Why stay?' The questions popped up and wouldn't leave him alone. Guy tried to think of something else but only Marian came to his mind. The thought was more painful than anything else and only managed to solidify his decision to leave.
He'd go now, while everyone was asleep and unable to stop him. 'Not that many would dare, or even want to,' Guy thought sullenly. Who would care whether he stayed of left? Granny, Crispin, Allan… they'd get over it. They'd have each other. And besides, they were better off without him anyway.
Decision made, Guy slipped out of bed and, trying to make as little noise as possible, donned his shirt and boots. Then, without looking back, he made for the door. It creaked softly when he opened it, but Guy didn't care. He slipped through and slowly walked through the darkness of the cold and empty kitchen.
One hand already on the front door, Guy stopped and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes.
"Don't do it, Guy."
He swirled around in shock. Granny was sitting in her rocking chair, almost invisible in the dark. Why wasn't she asleep? Guy had counted on everyone being asleep. He cursed inwardly, but couldn't help but move closer to her. "What?"
Granny's eyes were gentle and yet like steel. "You're running away."
"I cannot stay here," Guy stopped by her side and sighed. "I just, I need to…"
"Guy," Granny lifted a hand and lightly touched his arm. "If you are truly willing to change, and I know you are, then you mustn't run away. You need to do it here, amongst the people you've wronged. You need to do it were people know you, where they can see it. They need to see you fight, and struggle, they need to see you change, so that they can learn to trust you."
Guy closed his eyes briefly and let out another sigh. He knew she was right, of course. He was no fool. But…
Granny continued in her gentle voice. "I know that it scares you. It's always easier to run than face your problems, face the pain."
Guy sank heavily into an opposite chair and buried his face in both hands. And then it suddenly burst out of him. "How can I face the pain when I can't even face myself? Most days I can't even bear to look in the mirror, knowing what I'll see. All the things that I've done. All the people I've hurt. It haunts me. I've tortured, I've killed; I'm full of darkness, Granny. I dare not look back because my past is filled with nothing but darkness and evil. How can I ever change? I've walked this dark path for so long that I don't know how to change directions. I don't think I can."
"Oh, you can, Guy," Granny leaned forward. "I know you can. I have every faith in you."
Guy lifted his head and stared at her. "How can you have faith in me? How can you be so sure? You don't know me. You don't know half of the things I've done."
"Perhaps not," Granny agreed. "But I know something that you don't seem to have realized yet: You have already begun to change. You may not see it but… Guy, you took a stand against the Sheriff, you fought alongside Robin Hood, you brought Crispin back home safe. If you had nothing but darkness and evil inside, you wouldn't have done those things. You wouldn't sit here and talk to me, admitting to everything. It's said that admitting to your sins is the first step in changing who you are. And you've done that. So there's still a chance for you."
Guy was silent for a while. His voice, when he finally spoke, was hoarse. "Then what's the next step?"
Granny allowed herself a small smile. She'd been right. He was willing to try. "You need to take responsibility for your actions. You need to find a way to make up for your sins."
"How?" Guy's eyes burned. "How can I ever make up for all the things I've done? I have no money, no power, no means to rectify things at all. I am an outlaw, I'm hunted, I can do nothing to help those I have wronged in the Sheriff's name or my own."
Granny watched him bury his head in his hands again. She longed to reach out to him, to offer any form of comfort and help he'd accept, but she knew that he wasn't finished yet. And sure enough, Guy lifted his head again and stared at her. His face, especially his eyes, gave away the desperation that his strong voice managed to conceal. "I can't change the past, Granny. I cannot bring back the people I've killed, or heal those I've crippled for life. If I could, I would. I'd take back the pain I caused, I'd retrace every wrong move that I made. If it were possible to take on the pain myself, I would."
"See?" Granny smiled gently and reached across to put her hand onto his knee. "Someone evil and dark would never speak like this. They'd never feel guilt the way you do."
"But what good does it do to feel guilt," Guy exclaimed, "when it doesn't change anything? I've felt guilt for a lot of things, but I learned to ignore it a long time ago. For so long now, I've ignored everything. For so long, nothing managed to move or change me…"
"But something did. Or someone."
Guy had no answer because, truth was, he wasn't even sure anymore who or what had brought on the change. It hadn't been Marian alone, that much he knew. She had had a hand in it, but… it hadn't been her doing alone.
But Guy would not, could not share with Granny what else he knew. It was bad enough that she was here now, listening to his final breakdown of all the walls he'd built up over the years. Now, it seemed, they'd all but crumbled and he was staring at the ruins of his life.
"You have begun to change already, Guy. Don't you see?"
"I do," he admitted. "I just, I cannot see what I will change into. I can't seem to see any future for myself, it's all blank. All my plans, my hopes, my dreams, they're all gone, shattered to pieces. And I don't know… I cannot…" His voice broke and Guy fell silent. Shaking his head, eyes cast to the ground, he seemed almost on the brink of tears.
"Now, you listen to me, Guy!" Granny tried to ban all traces of tears from her voice. She needed to be strong now, for him. "You may not be able to see a future for yourself. But I do!"
He lifted his head. "You do?"
"Yes," she nodded. "I'm an old woman, but you are still so very young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have time to change. Time to learn how."
"I'm not young," Guy shook his head. "I don't feel young."
"Well, but you are. Compared to me," she sat up straight with her head held high. "Guy, look at me."
Guy did. "So?"
"No, really look. What do you see?"
"You," was all Guy could reply.
"You see an old woman that used up almost all of her time. But inside, you know, I still feel young," Granny smiled sadly before her eyes gleamed with a sudden wickedness. "So you see, appearances can be very deceiving."
Guy couldn't help it, he chuckled softly. "You look like you could outlive us all, Granny."
"Well, I won't," she shrugged. "I know that my time here is limited. But I will put what little I have left to good use and help you find your way. And if it's the last thing I do!"
"Don't you dare talk about dying on me now, woman." Guy managed a small smile. "If I do this, I'll need you. I cannot do it alone."
"You won't have to. You're not alone, Guy." She squeezed his hand. "Don't forget that you have friends already. There's Allan, and Crispin, and me. We're on your side and we will help you."
Guy covered her small hand with his own and contemplated her words. Crispin had said something similar before. That he had friends... Perhaps they were both right and he was seeing things too bleakly. Perhaps, with their help, Guy could find a way to redeem himself.
They sat in silence for a while, but eventually Granny pulled her hand away and made ready to stand up.
"And now, no more thought of running off into the night, alright? Off to bed with you, boy," she ordered him with a wave of her hand. Guy laughed out loud. Her voice reminded him so much of the past, of the countless times they'd sat by the fire when he'd been a boy, listening raptly to one of her stories till deep in the night, that he unconsciously fell back into long forgotten habits. He stood up, took her hand and kissed it. "Tout de suite, madame! Bonne nuit."
Granny laughed, too. "Dors bien, mon petit chou!"
It was about the only French she still remembered. 'But maybe,' she thought while she watched Guy slip back into his chamber, 'I'll get a chance to refresh my knowledge.' French, she suspected, was the strongest connection to his mother that Guy had. If everything else failed, she'd still be able to reach him that way.
The next morning Guy woke up, uncommonly well rested for such a short and troubled night. With a content sigh he stretched his arms over his head. He hadn't slept this well in what seemed like a lifetime. He couldn't recall the last time he'd slept through dawn but, slowly opening his eyes, Guy realized that now he had. Bright daylight filled the chamber he was in.
"Must have been a really nice dream you had."
Guy's head swirled around. Allan was sitting on the other bed, a big grin on his face.
"What?" he growled and sat up.
"Just saying," Allan shrugged. "You're smiling."
"I'm not."
"Well, not now, no." The younger man walked over to a small washbasin, pulling his tunic over his head on the way. Then he began splashing some water onto his face. Hair and face wet he turned back to Guy. "But you were when you woke up. So, good dream?"
Guy raked a hand through his tousled hair before dragging it down his rough cheek. He needed a shave. And probably a bath, too. And fresh clothes. None of which he could have.
"Come on, Giz," Allan prodded. "Spill already."
"I don't remember," Guy threw back the covers and got out of bed. And he really didn't. He had a strange feeling that Allan was right, that it must have been a nice dream, but he couldn't recall any details. Only… that it had left a happy feeling in his guts. But he wouldn't tell Allan that.
"And even if you did remember, you wouldn't tell me. I know." Allan shook his head in exasperation. But then he walked up to Guy and blocked his path, arms crossed over his chest. "Just like you wouldn't tell me that you were planning on sneaking away in the middle of the night."
Guy sucked in a breath. "You know?"
"I know, yes! I heard you, you big oaf. You're not exactly stealthy."
"You heard," Guy felt strangely guilty and embarrassed at the same time. "Did you hear Granny and me talk as well?"
"What if I did?" Allan shrugged. "Nothing was said that I didn't know already."
Guy looked away. Allan sighed and took a step back. "Look, Giz. She's right, you know?" Guy's glare didn't stop him from going on. "You have changed. I've seen it. And you can do this, here. You don't have to run away to where no one knows who you are and what you've done. It wouldn't work anyway."
"What do you know of it?"
"Oh, I know. I've been running all my life, I'm good at it." Allan sat down on the bed again and beckoned Guy to do the same. "But it doesn't help. Your problems always follow you. I've learned that the hard way, too. And, not being funny but I'm sick and tired of running away. I like it here."
Guy looked away again. "I know. That's why I was trying to leave at night."
"You were trying to leave me behind without giving me a choice in the matter. But that's not what friends do."
"No?"
"No," Allan tried to make Guy understand. "Friends talk."
"About what?"
"Everything. For starters, they talk about their plans for the future."
"I don't have any plans for the future," Guy rolled his eyes. "I thought that much was clear by now."
"Well, you're lucky you have me then," Allan grinned suddenly.
"Am I?" Guy doubted it. "Why?"
"Because I, my friend, happen to have a plan. A good one. You're gonna like it."
Guy doubted that even more. He stood up and towered over Allan, who didn't seem to care at all. He kept on grinning and stood up as well.
"Are you gonna tell me or not?" Guy growled.
Allan was far too eager to share his thoughts to tease Guy any longer. "Alright, listen. You said you don't have any means to help those you've wronged in the past. No wealth, no belongings, no power, nothing, right?"
Guy didn't reply, he merely raised an eyebrow and motioned for Allan to go on.
"So, I've been thinking," the younger man continued eventually. "What if we were to take it all back? Everything that's yours?"
Guy didn't quite understand. Everything he'd owned had been confiscated by the Sheriff when he'd made him an outlaw. He said so.
"I know," Allan replied. "But your things are all still at Locksley Manor, right? It's all just lying there…"
It dawned on Guy then what Allan was hinting at. "You wanna rob Locksley Manor?"
"I wanna take back what the Sheriff took from you," Allan nodded. "And from Robin, if there's still some of his wealth left. "
There was, Guy knew. Or, at least there had been when he'd lived at the Manor House. He doubted that Vaisey had had the time (or even the mind) to clear out Locksley Manor before he'd left for the Holy Land.
And now Vaisey was gone, and would be so for a long time. The envoy that ruled in his stead, Sir What's-His-Name, Guy didn't remember or care, had only just arrived and would need a few days to get acquainted with the state of affairs. He would concentrate learning the way of things on the castle and Nottingham first. He wouldn't bother or care much about one small estate on the outskirts of his realm.
The timing was perfect, Guy had to admit. Allan's plan held some merit. It was still madness though, to think that, with only the two of them, it could ever work. They couldn't just walk up to Locksley Manor, overpower the guards, and take everything away.
Guy voiced his thoughts and finished with a shake of his head. "I'm not saying it's a bad idea. But we won't succeed. Not unless we have more men."
"You don't understand," Allan smirked. "I'm not talking about simply robbing Locksley Manor. I was thinking more along the lines of… a friendly, or not so friendly, takeover. As in, you know, permanently."
"What?" Guy's eyes widened. "You want to occupy Locksley Manor?
"And the village," Allan nodded. "There's no new Lord of the Manor yet. The people at Locksely are still loyal to Robin. They've always been, even when you were there. That's a fact. So, I say we take it all from the Sheriff. In Robin's name. So that when he comes back..."
Guy had heard enough. "Are you mad?"
"No, I'm practical…"
Guy didn't let him finish. "You are talking about an open rebellion! An uprising against the stand-in Sheriff! Against Prince John's representative, against the orders of Prince John himself! You are mad!"
"I'm not!" Allan shouted back and grabbed Guy's arm to stop him from leaving. "I've thought it all through. So just listen, will you? For once, just shut up and listen!"
Guy broke free of Allan's grip. "Forget it. This is madness." He opened the door and strode out into the kitchen. Allan followed. "Giz, come on! Wait!"
Guy had reached the front door and he tore it open with force. Then he threw a dark glare over his shoulder. "Leave me alone. Don't. Follow. Me."
He raced outside and nearly crashed into Crispin, who'd just been about to enter the house. The boy jumped out of Guy's way just in time and then stared after him, a worried frown marring his features. Turning back to Allan he asked, his voice wavering. "Where is he going? Is he leaving? Why? What did you do? Will he be back?"
Allan walked up to the boy and put a hand onto his shoulder. "I hope so." Together they watched Guy stride across the village and into the forest, until he vanished from their sight.
"He'll be back," Granny suddenly appeared at Allan's side. "Don't worry."
"How can you be so sure?"
Granny smiled secretively and slipped back into the house. She sat down at the table and then began to peel some carrots as if she didn't have a care in the world. Allan and Crispin stared at her.
"Granny," Crispin sat down beside her. "Are you sure Sir Guy will come back?"
"Yes, my boy, I'm sure."
Granny's word seemed to be enough for Crispin. The worry cleared from his face and he quickly stole a carrot for himself. But Allan wasn't convinced.
"Shouldn't I go after him?"
"No," Granny sent him a hard look. "Leave him be. He'll be back soon, with a clear head and a way to make your plan work. Have faith, Allan."
Allan sighed. Faith… not something he usually had in spades. But perhaps, this time, Granny was right and having faith would be enough.
After all, there was a first time for everything.
Midday had already passed when Guy suddenly stormed back into the house, grabbed Allan's arm and without a word pulled him outside again. Everyone stared after them in confusion. Only Granny smiled knowingly and Crispin beamed back at her, before he quickly dashed off to follow the two men in secret. He hid behind some bushes and listened to what Guy and Allan had to say.
They exchanged strategies, they argued back and forth, and they spewed forth ideas one moment, only to dismiss them again the next.
Allan and Guy talked till well into the night, but eventually they had worked out a feasible plan.
Locksley would be theirs.
If this part is full of typos it's because I was so desperate to finally post it that I couldn't wait for anyone or anything to spell-check. Sorry. I will post the next (and final) chapter in a few days. Promise.