A lone figure trudges along the path to Wayne Manor through pouring rain. Their breath is quick and their whole body shivers in the cold, but their face is one of utmost determination. With one swift motion they kick open the front door, striding into the antechamber. Far off in the darkness atop the stairway there is a silhouette, a shadow blacker than any other. The lone figure trembles for a split second; then lets out a roar.

"Take off your disguise!"

For a while, there is silence, but it is split by roaring thunder, and by the light of nature's fury, Batman smiles at the drenched intruder.

"Let me tell you a story."

Once upon a time there awoke a very hungry bat-man. He grumpily got from his bed, in his birthday suit, and trudged downstairs. In the living room his prayers were answered by the cheery presence of his adoptive son, who he usually sent out at night to fight gunmen with his bare hands. This time, however, he ate him.

It was during this impromptu dinner that Catwoman arrived. She watched Bruce eating Robin, sobbing and exclaiming: "Goddammit, Goya!"

But Goya was already in flight, having captured the moment on canvas, immortalizing it. He would return to his isolated shack to finish some more black paintings. But none of this ever happened, so don't worry. At least it is doubtful.

What did happen was the following. There was a Batman being serenaded.

Bane holds out his arms. "If you want a doctor, I'll examine…"

The Batman smiles, hiding coyly behind his cape. "Every inch of me?"

The Riddler twirls his cane with a desperate smirk. "Here I stand. I'm your…"

The Batman jigs away with a giggle.

Ivy throws back her hair. "And if you want a driver…"

The Batman leans toward her, eyebrows waggling. "Climb inside?"

The Joker fans himself. "Or if you want to…"

The Batman growls saucily. "Take you for a ride?"

Penguin unbuttons his coat. "You know that you can."

Harley beams and belts out: "Cause you're my…"

But the Batman is already gone onward.

Man-Bat rears back and howls. "Well, the moon's too bright"

"The chain's too tight?" Snarling, the Batman pulls on it.

Catwoman gasps. "The beast won't go to sleep!"

The Batman blows her a kiss.

Hush is on all fours. "Well, I'll crawl here baby"

Firefly claws at his face, moaning. "I'll howl at your beauty"

The Batman grins wide and toothy. "Like a dog in heat?"

Atop the ziggurat called Wayne Manor stands the god known as Bruce, studying himself in the reflected surface of reality. "What is the nature of Batman?"

His question goes unanswered, save for the whispers of the cracks in the pyramid: "Justice?"

"No," he laughs from atop the cathedral spire. "Larger."

"Hope?" Venture the stones of the pyramid.

"No," he laughs from inside his sarcophagus. "Grander."

"The goodness of man," tries the rune-stone.

"No, you fools!" he snarls through the mountain range that constitutes his teeth. "Greater!"

Killer Croc wails at the sight. "I been a-running through"

The Batman twirls his cape with a lewd smile. "These promises to me?"

Harvey holds out his coin, trying and failing to throw it away. "That I made, but cannot keep"

The cape keeps twisting, showing the occasional lewd glance of skin-tight clothing hugging bulging muscle.

Ra's carefully cuts away his clothing with a rapier. "But a man never got…"

With every movement the Batman's ears cut the air with a swish.

Hugo Strange polishes his fogged glasses. "A Batman back"

The Batman stares him down with a snarl. "Not by begging on your knees?"

The Scarecrow scratches incessantly at his scarred skin. "If you wanna strike me down"

The Batman throws back his head and laughs. "Well, there you stand."

They all keep shifting as their numbers dwindle and multiply, shifting from microscopic life forms to marine animals to monkeys to men to eldritch abominations to Batman and back.

Deep in the bowels of the world a man is howling with laughter at the sight of time itself, marveling at the sheer scope of it all as truth after truth unfurls in front of him and leaves him untouched. "Nothing lasts forever," he giggles to himself.

"Nothing lasts forever," his villains howl in between births and un-births, deaths and un-deaths.

"Except me," he smiles. Then he screeches as a dagger of bone strikes from the void and spears his heart, a sliver of his own femur, eons from now. The Batman is dead, the Batman lives.

"No," you whisper, safe behind the glare of your screen. "Not even you, Batman."

"If I gotta sleep a moment on the road?"

Black Mask throws away his guns. "I will steer for you"

The Batman purses his lips. "And if I want to work the streets alone?"

The Mad Hatter tips his hat. "I'll disappear for you"

The Batman hugs his cape tight and purrs. "If I want a lover?"

Clayface cries out. "I'll do anything you ask me to"

The Batman laughs heartily. "If I want a partner?"

KGBeast falls to his knees. "Take my hand"

They all fall, writhing on the ground in exquisite agony as the Batman roars with laughter and wriggles his way around and around as they sing in unison. "I'm your man! Yes, I'm your man! Well, I'm your man! Yeah, I'm your ma-a-an!"

Yes, Batman deserves all of it, and more.

"How many sad childhoods can one man have?" Bruce cries a tear, shaking his head. "Not enough," he cries with tears, "not enough."

The lone figure shivers, from both the cold and the frightening tale. They grind their teeth and steel their resolve, pointing a trembling finger at the horrendous figure of the Batman.

"Take off your disguise! I know that underneath…"

The Batman's mask falls off. His face is that of Martha Wayne. The lone figure gasps and stutters. Another mask slips, and Thomas Wayne comes into view. He takes a single, echoing step forward and he is Alfred Pennyworth.

"I know that underneath…"

Another step that stabs at the ears and mind; the Batman is James Gordon. Another, Dick Grayson. Jason Todd. A third, Timothy Drake. Stephanie Brown. A fourth, Cassandra Cain.

"I know that underneath…"

The terrible figure keeps walking; slow, measured steps befitting such a divine abomination. Harvey Bullock, Renee Montoya, Crispus Allen.

"I know that underneath…"

Step, step, step. Joker, Two-Face, Penguin. The lone figure shivers as the monster advances. Step, step, step. Poison Ivy, Riddler, Hugo Strange. Step, step, step. Faces flash past. Step, step, step! The distance between the lone figure and the Bat-thing doesn't seem to be about to run out anytime soon. Step! Step! Step! Faces! Faces! Faces! STEP! STEP! STEP! FACES! FACES! FACES!

"I know that underneath…!"

The mask falls off and there is nothing underneath. At first it looks like darkness. But it is much, much more than that. There is a swirling current in the pitch black hole that is the Batman's face. The lone figure stands trembling as the walking abyss comes to a stop inches from their face.

"I know that underneath…!"

There is movement in the darkness. The lone figure stutters once more and stares into the abyss. They soon find the abyss is staring back. Slowly approaching from the depths… looming ever larger…yes. It is the Batman. He comes to a stop just before popping out; a small Batman face framed within a larger Batman face.

"Take off your disguise! I know that underneath…"

The lone figure stutters one last time as the Batman smiles and puts a hand to their face. "Is me."

With calloused yet incredibly delicate fingers he pulls off the mask you have been burdened with for so long. Underneath is the Batman. Again there is the crack of thunder, and the eerie light of repeated lightning bathes the room. The two Batmen embrace, and kiss. In the distance, a whisper can be heard: "Cosmos"

Welcome. You are finally home.