Part Thirty Five.
"My reign is not yet over... you live, and my power is complete. Follow me; I seek the everlasting ices of the north, where you will feel the misery of cold and frost to which I am impassive. You will find near this place, if you follow not too tardily, a dead hare; eat and be refreshed. Come on, my enemy; we have yet to wrestle for our lives; but many hard and miserable hours must you endure until that period shall arrive."
~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
"What are you doing?" Castiel asked as he appeared in Addison's heaven.
She was sitting on the hard wood floor with a large container on blood beside her, and a large paper which she was painting symbols on with a paint brush dipped in blood.
She looked up from the painting, and from the old book she was reading out of.
"Trying to keep my heaven inaccessible to any angel, except you." She said nodding to the dead angel laying on the floor of her kitchen.
Castiel walked over and picked up the old bound book she was copying the sigils from.
"Where did you get this?" He asked her.
"I'm pretty sure the cover is bound in human skin… well, either human or pig… but it's old enough I'm pretty sure it's human." She informed him.
He looked at it.
"It's human skin, where did you get this book?" He asked her again.
"I keep getting attacked here by other angels, so I determined from this book, and those…" She said motioning to a small pile of books on the coffee table, "That with 3 equal parts of blood from an angel, demon and human, and the right symbols I can keep all angels out of my heaven except for you! This can be like our little safe house where we won't have to worry."
His eyes went to the large container of blood she was using as paint.
"Where did you get the blood?" He questioned.
"Well, that angel over there." She told him pointing back to the angel in the kitchen.
She dipped the brush back in the blood and resumed the sigil she was painting as she spoke, "I went to hell and grabbed the first demon I saw, and then I waited around at a hospital until one of the critical care patients died and got the human blood."
Going back to his earlier question he asked, "Where did you get these books, Addison?"
After she finished the painting, she laid the brush down and rose to her feet.
"I stole them from Crowley's house… his angel proofing doesn't affect me." Addison admitted.
"I told you not to talk to Crowley." Castiel said, his voice showing anger.
"I didn't talk to Crowley, I went to his house when he wasn't there… killed his guard demons and stole these book." She said.
Castiel shook his head angrily.
"It's fine… when I'm done I'll give them back. Well, maybe… I'm not sure, there are some pretty powerful blood spells in there I don't think he needs access to." She admitted, avoiding his angry gaze as she took the book from him and dropped it to the floor by where she was sitting.
"You didn't speak to Crowley?" Castiel asked her as he watched her intently.
She crossed the living room and picked up a large sheet of paper with more symbols painted on it that had dried, and crossed the living room pulling a painting off the wall and flipping it around.
She attached the paper with the sigils to the back of the frame and hung it back on the wall concealing it.
"Did you talk to him?" Castiel asked again his voice slightly raised he was worried Crowley might have told her that they were working together.
"Why are you yelling at me? I haven't done anything wrong." She defended as she turned and faced him.
"I am not yelling, you're just not answering me." He said.
"Why is it all of a sudden such an issue if I talk to Crowley?" She questioned.
"It isn't." Castiel said.
"Then what is going on?" She asked him.
"I don't trust him." Castiel told her.
"Yeah, I don't trust him either. And no I already told you I didn't talk to him, I snuck in and stole a few books from him… again, not a big deal." Addison said.
Sitting back down on the floor she avoided his eyes as she looked through the book until she found her page again, and resumed painting.
She felt bad for lying to him, she had spoken to Crowley a few days before about getting Sam from the cage, but she hadn't told Cas about it.
He sat down on the bold, dark purple couch and watched her as she studied the book and picked up a new sheet of paper.
"Are you just going to sit there and stare at me?" She asked, not looking up.
"Would you like me to leave?" He questioned, he kept his gaze steady on her.
She sighed under her breath and looked up at him, locking eyes as she spoke. "I never want you to leave… it just makes me uncomfortable when you sit and stare at me."
"I miss watching you." He admitted.
Since she had developed the power to make herself invisible, he wasn't able to just watch her anymore.
She looked up at him and smiled.
"Well… maybe instead of just staring at me, you can alternate between watching me and finding more spells that could help in those books. I can't use any angel-proofing because it will banish you also." She said.
He nodded and started to look through the pile of books in front of him on the coffee table.
His eyes stopped on the corner a book showing at the very bottom of the stack. Cocking his head to the side he grabbed the book and pulled it out of the pile, his eyes widened at seeing it.
"Crowley had this?" He questioned, holding the book up for her to see.
Glancing up she looked back down and shook her head back and forth.
"This is one of the original texts of angels… recorded by the first prophet ever known, humans don't even have a record of that prophet." He said.
"I know… it's kind of hard to decipher the language, but I think being more Nephilim than human helps me read things like that…and understand some Enochian." She admitted.
"If Crowley didn't have this where did you get it?" He asked her.
"Honestly… I took it off of one of Raphael's followers." She told him.
He stared at her in disbelief for a minute before he asked, "You took it off of one of Raphael's followers?"
"It's war Cas, I'm doing the best I can to keep myself and you alive. We're getting attacked daily… I'm still part human and need some sleep. I can't sleep and gather my strength back if I have nowhere safe to rest. I'm just trying to use my head here." She said, feeling like he was upset with her.
Glancing through the pages he said, "Getting this book was risky… but smart. It's better we have it in our possession than our enemy's."
She looked back up and smiled at him, glad he wasn't mad at her.
He watched as she looked back down and continued to paint on the paper, and started to think maybe he had underestimated her plan of defeating Raphael.
Every move she had made in this civil war so far was calculated and effective, he wondered if it was unnecessary to have entered into the deal with Crowley.
But it was too late to turn back, he needed those Purgatory souls… he had already showed up Raphael with the power of the 50,000 souls Crowley had lent him.
Then he thought of how Raphael had almost killed Addison.
"I'm sorry, Addison." Castiel said as he looked up from the book at her.
"For what?" She asked.
"I shouldn't have removed the Enochian from your ribs… if I had left it on Raphael wouldn't have been able to find you at the lake house." He said, his blue eyes bore into her.
"It's not your fault, Cas. You didn't know he was going to start all of this. We both thought it was safe to remove the Enochian because we thought the angels weren't after me anymore." She said as she finished up the last symbol on her paper.
"It was selfish on my part, I put my wanting to always find you above your safety." He admitted.
"Everything turned out okay, I'm still alive… because of you." She said as she stood and walked across the room, pushing one of the books back from the edge of the table, she sat down across from him on the table and took the book from his hands.
He looked at her as he held his hands in hers.
"I wanted the Enochian gone also, because I always want you to be able to find me too." She said, looking him in the eyes.
"Not one bit of this is your fault. This is all on Raphael, because he is just as screwed up as Uriel was… and Zachariah and Michael. Wanting the apocalypse to be fought and claiming it's god' will, all of the blame falls on them." She told him.
"I love you." She finished saying, as she leaned across the small space between them and kissed him.
"I love you too." He responded as he held onto her soft hair, letting it fall between his fingers and around his hands as he pulled her face closer to his.
~(A few days later)~
Addison looked down at the lush green grass under her shoes and tall full trees lined the perfect shade of blue sky above their head. There were all different kinds of bushes and flowers amongst the trees and small river.
Her eyes stopped on a man in a red sweater and khaki pants flying a small kite in the air as a fine mist of fresh rain fell from the sky.
She smiled at the scent of the fresh air, and knowing exactly where she was.
She was in the heaven Castiel seemed to favor, he always went there to think and collect his thoughts.
It was the eternal Tuesday afternoon, the heaven was created by an autistic man who drowned in a bathtub.
She saw Castiel sitting on the bench with his back to where she was standing.
"Cas…" She said as she sat down beside him.
He looked over at her and gave her a small smile.
"I need to tell you something…" She said, biting her bottom lip as she spoke.
"What?" He asked her.
"I've been lying to you for a week." She admitted.
"What about?" He asked, turning more sideways on the bench and looking at her.
"I told you that I didn't talk to Crowley… and I didn't talk to him when I stole those books, but I talked to him days before that." She admitted.
"Why?" He asked her.
"Because I had to know if he knew of a way to pull Sam from the cage." She admitted.
"I already told you…" He started to say but she cut him off.
"Sam is alive… he's out of the cage." Addison said.
Castiel's face didn't reveal a bit of surprise at her words.
"Oh my god… you knew, didn't you?" She asked.
"He prayed to me no too long ago…" Castiel said, not admitting he was the one who freed Sam from the cage.
"Why wouldn't you tell me that?" She asked.
"I've had other things on my mind… we are in the middle of a civil war." He reminded her.
"I know that… but when I came to you telling you I wanted to get Sam from the cage, you told me you didn't know of a way. You could have told me he was already out." She said, standing up and crossing her arms over her chest.
"You're upset." He stated, as he stood and faced her.
"Damn right I'm upset! I've been feeling like complete crap and so guilty for a week because I felt bad for lying to you and saying I hadn't spoken to Crowley. And then this whole time you've been hiding something from me." She said, a hurt expression on her face.
"I'm sorry." Was all he could manage to say, he didn't have an excuse that she'd understand without having to reveal he was working with Crowley.
"You're sorry?" She questioned, with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes, I truly am." He said, his eyes honest and sad as he spoke.
"I don't want an apology, Cas!" Addison said.
"When I've done something I regret, I'm supposed to apologize for it." He said.
"Yes… but instead of an apology… I want an explanation." She told him, her eyebrows arched in anger.
"You're extremely mad." He pointed out, looking down and shifting uncomfortably before looking back up at her with sad eyes.
"You need to tell me right now what's going on? Why did you lie to me?" She asked him.
"I don't have an explanation." He told her.
"Yes you do, there is always an explanation for something… It's simple you just tell me why you've been lying." She said.
"I said I don't have an explanation." He repeated, knowing he couldn't tell her he was trying to get into Purgatory.
"I love you, and I trust you. I think you owe me the same respect as I give you… you have to level with me and tell if something is going on." She said.
He shifted uncomfortable again.
"I don't like it when you're angry with me." He said.
"Then don't give me reasons to be mad at you." She said as she threw her arms up in the air in frustration.
"I don't try to." He admitted.
"I'm starting to believe that you are… I know you're going through a lot with this war, and you hate us having to kill the other angels because they are your brothers and sisters." She tried to empathize.
"I'm sorry that I've been aggressive with the war… and I've dropped quite a few bodies, but they are coming after me and I'm doing the best I can to stay alive." She said, her light green eyes growing sad.
"What?" He asked, not understanding what she was getting at.
"I don't just make needless killings, every single one I've done has been in either self-defense or helping you." She went on.
"You think I'm upset with you over killing angels?" He asked, surprised at her thought process.
"I mean maybe you just can't look at me the same way… but I'm still me. A tougher, stronger, and more determined me… but still me." She said, growing sadder.
"I don't hold anything you've had to do against you." He explained, feeling bad for making her think it was her fault that he was hiding stuff from her.
"I'm not so sure I believe that." She said, shaking her head.
"Addison, none of this is your fault…" He said, taking a few steps towards her.
"Then tell me what is going on? Why didn't you tell me Sam was alive?" She asked again.
"I still don't have an explanation… other events took precedence over that." He said, wishing he had a better excuse for her.
"I think I need to go to earth for a while…" Addison said, looking around the heaven they were in.
His face twisted with pain.
"Why?" He asked.
"I don't know… I just can't be in heaven right now… not this heaven, not my heaven not any of them. I've barely stepped foot on earth in going on 4 months. I'm kind of starting to feel like maybe I don't belong here." She admitted, looking down at the beautiful grass under her shoes.
"Of course you belong here… you belong with me." He said, a he took a few more steps towards her.
"I need some time… to be around humans again, or something… to feel human again I guess." She said, her words a little jumbled.
"You're not human anymore." He reminded her.
"I'm beginning to think I'm too human for all of this." She said, her voice sad as she spoke.
"I… I don't understand." He told her.
"I can't just shut off my feelings… or pretend that I'm not hurting. I'm not an angel… I'm not human… I just don't really belong anywhere anymore." She told him, looking back down at the ground.
"You can't change what you are." He said, his eyes sad as they traced the soft features of her face while she looked at him.
She shrugged and glanced around the heaven.
"Why would you want to change what you are?" He asked her.
"I don't know… I just kind of miss feeling like I belong." She said, shaking her head at how weak the sentence sounded.
"You do belong…" He began to say but he interrupted him.
"You think I belong with you… yeah, I know." She said.
"I don't think that. I know you do, I've never been more sure of anything." He told her.
She avoided his eyes.
"I would never change what you are… or anything about you. I love you." He said.
"I love you, but I think I just need some time… away from heaven." She finished holding her breath.
"Then I'll come with you." He said, taking another step toward her.
"You don't understand." She said shaking her head back and forth.
"Then explain it to me… I want to understand." He said, watching her intently.
"I don't want it to hurt you… but it's not just heaven I need time away from. I need a little time away from you. My feelings and trust for you is a little wounded right now." She said, trying to word it gently.
"Oh…" He said, looking at her.
"Yeah." She said, swallowing hard as she nodded.
A/N- Thank you for reading, I really hope you all liked the update! ^_^
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