Disclaimer – I do not own BMT world, it belongs to Trudi Canavan.

Sonea's Puzzle.

For the first few minutes of her journey back to her lodgings, Sonea had been in an ebullient mood. Lorlen and Akkarin working together once again would solve her problem and she would be fully fit and able to perform her tasks as a black magician once more. She was walking several steps in front of the Healer, rather than by his side, just in case someone would see them together and remember, perhaps causing trouble for Lorlen in the future. She felt free of a tremendous burden, filled with the knowledge that everything was going to be all right. Her magic would return and she would be whole again. She almost felt like dancing along the dusty streets, regardless of what passers-by might think.

But as she got nearer to the docks area, her mood began to change and uncertainty flooded into her mind. It was all too true that Akkarin would be angry at her for once again disobeying his orders. This time, it was different however, because she had made him a solemn promise. She had always previously countered his arguments about joining him in exile and following him back to Imardin by saying it was as a result of her promise to Takan. She had repeatedly told him how important that promise was to her, that she could never break it and using it as total justification for all her actions.

Now, she was foresworn. There was no other way of describing it. She could now be accused, with complete justification, of being someone who simply used promises to support whatever action she thought she should make. Yes, Akkarin would be furious with her. But I can cope with that, she thought quickly. He has been angry with me for days and I've coped with it. She told herself that he would come round, especially after her magic was fixed, but deep down, she was afraid.

The man she had fallen in love with was a complicated person, to say the least. She had lived in his Residence for years without understanding him and, if she were honest, not making any attempt to do so! She had only gradually begun to see beyond his calm, distant mask in brief flashes, until, eventually, she understood what he was doing and why. So she had thrown herself into learning forbidden magic because she understood the danger of not stopping the Ichani, not because she had at last discovered the 'real' Akkarin. She had followed him because of her promise and because she wanted him to live. But none of that meant she knew him well. The Akkarin she knew was only the surface Akkarin. She was sure, too, that that was all the rest knew of him, Lorlen included. What went on deep inside him was a closed book she was no nearer to opening than she'd been in the beginning. He had secrets still, and had shown no desire to share them with her. What had happened to him during his time as a slave could only be guessed at. That it had been a time of physical punishment and deprivation was to be expected, but she was sure that something else had befallen him then, something which still drove him and coloured his approach to the events life through at him; something which profoundly affected the way he felt about her.

The knowledge that Akkarin had secrets gnawed away at her constantly. She would listen intently to anything he said relating to his earlier life, not daring to question in case that led to his refusing to say anything at all. These nuggets of information were few and far between. If I write them down, they would scarcely cover a quarter of a page, she thought. She was willing to share her whole being with him, body and mind, hopes and dreams, hurts and suffering. Why wouldn't he do the same? But she knew it was no good. He would not and she couldn't make him.

"Sonea, is something wrong?"

Lorlen's voice came from just behind her and she realised that her steps had slowed, reducing the distance between them. She shook her head and quickened her pace. The sooner they faced Akkarin the better.

Her mind returned to the puzzle that was her lover. He had such a firm hold on his emotions, she was never sure exactly what he felt about things. Their lovemaking was passionate, but he was always in control somehow. There were no whispered words full of emotion slipping out, unintended, at the moment of climax. No softly spoken confidences in the warm glow of the aftermath. She couldn't really fault him as a lover. He took care that she received pleasure from his caresses and he certainly took pleasure in her body. He could be tender, holding her close, his arms wrapped around her, as she drifted off to sleep listening to the sound of his heartbeat. He could be demanding as he took control of her body, pushing it to ever-higher levels of pleasure. But she still had not heard the three magic words she longed to hear. She still didn't know if he loved her. She suspected he might, she hoped he did, but she didn't know. It was slowly eating away at her and driving her mad!

And now, there was to be a child; a secret of her own to keep. She wasn't sure how long she would be able to hide it from him. He could read her thoughts all too easily and, she realised, he knew her much better than she knew him. But hide it she must, at least until they had finished their task and left Imardin. Then, she could almost see the small country cottage where they would live, studying magic together and watching their child grow. She could imagine their life in a comfortable little village somewhere, with a few friends and good times. The problem was, she could not clearly see Akkarin in such a rural idyll. He had always been a man of action, whether as a Warrior, or a leader of men and to think of him settling down to a country life was almost impossible to imagine.

She gave herself a mental shake. That rural idyll was far off. Now she had to deal with the consequences of her defiance of his orders. Lorlen had asked if she was afraid of him. She hadn't lied when she had said she wasn't. She had no fear that Akkarin would beat her, but she was afraid he would withdraw himself from her. Leave her, either physically or mentally, so that she would no longer be able to feel part of his life. Yes, she was truly afraid of that. And, she was sure he could do it. He had the self-discipline to cut himself off from others and follow his own path. He had done it as High Lord and he would have done it with her if she hadn't prevented it by measures that wouldn't work again. She had seduced him into showing a little of his feelings for her. It was her actions alone which had led to their becoming lovers. If she hadn't made the first overtures, he would never have imposed himself on her, regardless of how strongly he felt about her. If he withdrew from her now, she couldn't hope to bring him back to her by offering herself again. He was strong enough not to let himself be seduced for a second time.

If I live a hundred years, she thought, I will never get to the bottom of what makes him tick. But oh, the joy of trying! I could happily spend the rest of my life trying to understand the puzzle that is Akkarin.

They had reached the door to her current home. She felt her mouth grow dry. She paused for a second or two, then she knocked in the pattern Takan had taught her. When he opened the door, she pushed quickly inside, pulling Lorlen in after her. Takan's eyes widened at the sight of the former Administrator in his unfamiliar green robes, but he said nothing, merely turning a reproachful gaze on Sonea.

"Is he back?" she asked tersely.

"No," the servant replied before turning to the Healer, "Welcome Lord Lorlen."

"It's good to see you again, Takan," he replied handing over his cloak.

"Perhaps you would care to wait in the guest room. I will bring refreshments shortly. Would you like wine or tea?" Taken opened the door to the room and indicated they should enter.

"Tea," Sonea said, "With some cakes if you have them."

"Of course my lady," Takan replied. Lorlen had already moved into the room, so the servant put a hand on her arm and shot Sonea a sharp glance. "What have you done?" he hissed. "You know what Akkarin said."

"I know, Takan, I know, but trust me, Lorlen won't betray us. He's Akkarin's friend."

Takan shook his head sadly, "You must learn that the past is dead and gone, Sonea. You cannot recreate it. Akkarin knows this and the sooner you lean it, the better things will be. He will be very angry, you know."

She bit her lip, "I had no choice."

The servant fixed her with a piercing gaze, "Yes you did. You could have done what he asked for once. I am disappointed in you, my lady."

He turned from her and disappeared down the corridor, leaving her standing alone, her face pale and telltale tears filling her eyes.