Chapter 39 :

Asking for help :

After long minutes of sobbing in Jane's arms Maura finally fell asleep right in the middle of that blood bath that was their bathroom.

When she woke up almost two hours later she was in bed and had bandages on her arms.

"Jane?" Maura mumbled sitting in bed, her vision blurry and a strong taste of blood in her mouth.

"Just lay down okay?You lost a lot of blood but you should be alright." Jane smile caressing her wife's cheek with the back of her hand.

"Oh Jane, what have I done?" Maura asked seeing the bandages on her forearms feeling her head pounding from the blood loss.

"You tell me…Why did you do this Maura?I thought this habit of cutting yourself was behind you." Holding Maura's arms seeing the blood through the bandage Jane couldn't help but feeling stupid for not acknowledging this issue before and try to do something about it.

"It was, I haven't felt the urge to do it since I came back. I just….between the accident and what happened at Dr Lowell's office I just felt so powerless and…"Maura muttered unable to face the distress in Jane's eyes.

"And what Maura?You couldn't trust me to make it better so you decided to harm yourself thinking it would help you get rid of the pain?" Feeling her pulse rise Jane was now showing her anger freely. She couldn't understand why Maura would choose to harm herself when she was there the whole time, patient, willing to help her.

"I don't know Jane, I'm sorry…" Hearing Jane rising her voice on her Maura understood that she was no longer worried, but mad and disappointed and she was unfortunately unable to provide a valid explanation to justify her behavior.

"No Maura you don't get to apologize. Look I love you and you know I would go to the hell and back for you. I would cut myself in two, God I would give my life for you but can not continue blaming yourself for everything that ever happened to us okay?You are not responsible for almost dying during birth or for not being a match or for not being able to have another child."

"That's easier said than done Jane." Maura chucked annoyed that Jane was still unable to understand her.

"I know how you feel babe, if I hadn't been a match and Ian had been trust me I would have feel terrible too not being able to help my own daughter and I can't possibly imagine how not being able to have another child must make you feel but you have to stop Maura, for the sake of your daughter and our marriage, you have to stop."

"Are you saying you want to leave me?"For the first time since they met 10 years ago Maura felt that Jane was almost giving up on her, on them.

"Of course not. I love you and I'm not the kind of woman who leaves when things get though you should know that. I'm just saying that I don't know what to do or say anymore. I have done everything I could, now it's up to you."

"You didn't support me Jane. All I wanted was a child and you didn't support my desire."

"How can you say that?I want another child as much as you do but I can not let you risk your life."

"I wouldn't be risking my life Jane, I will be on constant monitoring."

"You heard what the Doctor said, you will have to stay on bed rest the whole time and even doing that there was still 85% of risk that you will miscarry and I will not gamble with your life."

"I understand. I realize I'm being selfish, we have a daughter and I can not offered to put myself in uncessarry harmful situations."

"Exactly,Look I'm sorry, I was a bit hard on you but I just don't know what to do to convince you that I'm here for you and that you don't need to harm yourself like this."

"I know. I knew it would take time and I thought that being with you again would help but it doesn't but I think having another child would, would you still agree to look into adoption?"

"Absolutely and I understand what you're saying. You feel that having a child would help us put the past behind us and start our new life together ."

"Exactly."

"Unfortunately you know that to adopt a baby we must go through psycological evaluations ."

"I know and trust me I 'm aware that after what just happened I'm clearly not ready to have another child."

"I know but we have all the time in the world for that. All that matters is that you finally get better, how about I come more regularly to your therapy sessions?It's been a while since the last time I joined you. " Jane offered climbing in bed with Maura wrapping her arms around her.

"I would love that."Maura sighed feeling safe and comfortable in her wife's loving arms.

For the next 6 months Jane and Maura attended weekly therapy sessions. Slowly Maura started to open up about her feeling of being a failed mother, about the self hatred she has been punishing herself with ever since she left Jane and most importantly she opened up about cutting herself. Maybe it was the perspective of having another child and knowing she needed to be fully recovered to be declared fit for adoption or the fear of loosing Jane for good but Maura really started to open up. Even if it was hard at first to completely be honest during the sessions and at home, she slowly started to feel more comfortable confiding in Jane on daily basis. After longs hours of therapy Maura understood that she refused to allow herself to be happy because she couldn't forgive herself from hurting Jane so much for so long. Luckily for her with the love of her wife and daughter Maura slowly started to forgive herself . Looking at things from Jane's perspective Maura realized that she had to put the past behind her, that her life was perfect, she was married to the love of her life not their daughter had fully recovered from the transplant. Slowly she started to look towards the future, a future that she could only picture with her two Janes and another baby.

During those 6 months Jane took it on her to go to every sessions, listening to Maura blame herself over and over. It was hard for her because she felt that no matter what she did Maura would still continue to blame herself. Seeing that even after marrying her and adopting her daughter Maura was still not able to forgive herself Jane almost quit and even considered leaving her, but looking at their beautiful daughter she felt that she ought it to her to try. Yes even if Jane was tempted to quit from time to time all she needed to do was think about the 5 miserable she spent missing her to immediately change her mind and convince herself that even if it might hurt for a while, being away from Maura would actually be far more painful. Luckily for her after months of intensive care and support Maura was finally started to heal and Jane was finally started to picture the next big step in their relationship : a baby and was over excited.

So guys, I thought it was important that Maura got help but didn't want to bore you to death with separation that would tell you what you already read in the past. I think it was important not to make things easy and for Jane to express her anger towards Maura and also the fact that she actually considered leaving her.

As always feedback is welcome.