A/N: please reference this picture:

http colonslashslash birdz dot deviantart dot com slash art slash The-Commander-s-Model-Ships-159869274

for inspiration for the first bit of this chapter. Well, that, and watch the first episode of Firefly. But really, just do that anyway. Firefly is awesome.

So, without further ado, here's the Chiaroscuro take on the Collector Ambush.

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Chapter 36: Beautiful Daisy Bell

"Pew! Pew pew pew! Boom! 'It's too strong for us! It's ripping the Citadel apart! But wait – what's that? It's the Normandy, piloted by the dashing Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau –"

"I believe you're giving yourself more credit than you should be, Mr. Moreau."

Joker shook the SR1 model he was holding at EDI. "And how many Reapers have you killed, EDI? Shut up and integrate that IFF." He returned his attention to the ships. "'—coming to save the day! Haha, Sovereign, your shields are no match for the power of the Normandy!'

"'Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!'" Joker paused. "Damn. That doesn't work." He quickly changed Sovereign's complaint. "'Curse you, Joker! Your skilled piloting and lady-killing attitude are too much for me!'"

"That's because you're a big stupid machine, Sovereign!"

Joker moved the SR1 model down and pounced it on top of the Sovereign one. "Mr. Moreau, Shepard will not be happy that Jack stole her models for you."

"There's nothing to do while you're installing that thing and Shepard's off gallivanting about planet-side. She won't mind."

"I believe she will be more irritated that you asked Jack to break into her quarters."

"You're no fun." Joker turned his attention back to the models. "'But what's this? Sovereign's shields are disappearing! 'Joker, you have to make the kill shot!' 'Right away, Admiral, I'm goin' in! Get ready, Sovereign, you son of a bi—"

"Mr. Moreau."

"EDI, I'm busy."

"There is a problem with the IFF."

Joker set the models down on the console with more force and panic than was merited and looked over the readings. No, that wasn't good. He shook his head. "That's nothing. Just bleed."

"Mr. Moreau, I believe there –"

"EDI. Those readings are off. It's radiation bleed, white noise."

"No, Mr. Moreau. I have detected a signal embedded in the static. We are transmitting the Normandy's location."

"Wait, transmitting?" Joker went white under his hat. He swallowed, picturing the large, cylindrical, previously-unidentified ship that had appeared on the SR1's scanners minutes before her demise. "To who?"

The proximity alarm suddenly sounded, ringing through the entire ship. Joker's eyes snapped to the viewport as a huge, brown rock-like formation swallowed up the black space beyond, his mind going blank with sheer, unadulterated terror as he recognized the nightmarish silhouette. "Shit!" He launched himself at the console, models scattering to the floor. "We're getting out of here!"

"Propulsion systems are disabled. I am detecting a virus in the ship's computers."

"Fuck!" His voice echoed with the steps sounding behind him as the crew hurried to grab weapons, the ship's alarms blaring. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that he was now the ship's senior officer and Shepard's third-in-command, willing himself to think through the fear-induced fog clouding his brain. "From the IFF? Damn it, why didn't you scrub it?"

"I did, Mr. Moreau. Our primary defense systems are offline," EDI continued. "We can save the Normandy, but you must help me. You must give me the ship."

"What?" Joker sat back, voice catching in his throat. "You're crazy!" He shook his head. But there's no other choice. "You start singing Daisy Bell and I'm done."

"I am unfamiliar with your current path of insults, Mr. Moreau." Joker started to pull himself out of his chair, feeling more weighed-down than usual. One hand fumbled for his crutches, feeling desperate for something familiar and potentially useful as a weapon. "Unlock my sealed databases, and I can initiate countermeasures. The maintenance shaft in the science lab will allow passage to the AI core. The main corridors are no longer safe. The Collectors have boarded."

Nothing should say those words that calmly.

"The emergency floor lighting will guide you, Mr. Moreau. Good luck."

Joker was pretty sure that the adrenaline coursing through his body would easily break every bone he possessed, and probably several he didn't. He hurried out of the cockpit, movement sped up thanks to the crutches, every step sending shocks into his back. Hadley glanced over at him as he emerged into the CIC, the crewman holding a gun shakily at the elevator.

"Joker! Seal yourself in the cockpit!"

"Can't," Joker said through grit teeth. "Gotta manually restart the engines."

He couldn't bring himself to say he was unshackling the AI.

The elevator started to be forced open as he drew closer. Hadley glanced at it like a deer caught in the irrepressible headlights of an eighteen-wheeled transport, then back at Joker. "Then go! We'll hold them off as long as we can!" he yelled, returning his attention to the door as it sprung open. Time slowed down as, for a brief second, Joker stared in horrific fascination as the enormous bug opened its gaping mouth, revealing a collection of humanlike, moaning heads –

"God, what is that thing?" Goldstein yelped, spraying fire across it. It jerked back, then roared in her direction, each head's mouth echoing the thing's gaping maw in its echoing howl—

"Joker! Go!" Hadley barked.

The thing roared again, and time sprung back to its original speed. Joker stumbled backwards into the tech lab hallway then the lab itself with Hadley's screams following him until the doors sealed. Inside, Mordin's tools were still scattered across the table, a stack of datapads tossed haphazardly by the window; Joker's rapid breathing and the hum of a few instruments were the only noises inside the otherwise silent room. Outside the viewport, the gaping hulk of the Collector ship was still visible.

And in the engine room, visible through the window, rose another enormous bug. A blue stream of light slammed into the window next to him as Joker hobbled for the ladder, making him freeze for a second with a hissed chorus of "shit"s before throwing the crutches down the hole and himself onto the rungs – to hell with the broken bones.

Joker dropped out of the shaft on the crew deck, wincing as something snapped in an unspecified area of his body. Hawthorne – of course it had to be Hawthorne – stood cowering by the door. He was in life support. Thane's small collection of belongings – a few datapads that were probably of a religious nature, several various and unrecognizable weapons – were gently organized on the table that overlooked the drive core. He found his crutches again and clung to them, cussing how much it felt like he was clutching a security blanket.

"Multiple hostiles detected on the crew deck," EDI warned over his headset.

"Shit," Joker mumbled, alerting Hawthorne to his presence. The crewman jumped, gun shaking in his hand.

"Joker! What the hell?" Hawthorne glanced out the door. "You should be sealed in the cockpit!"

He shook his head. "I have to get to the AI core."

After considering a reply, what was left of the color in Hawthorne's face vanished and the crewman motioned. ". . . Okay. Stay close, I'll cover you." Joker ignored the growing feeling of dickishness cutting through the terror and followed him out. The crewman sprinted around the elevator and opened fire as Chambers started screaming. Joker started to step out towards the elevator, narrowly missing Hawthorne flying back into the wall.

"Shit!" Joker yelped before spinning back towards the elevator. Some huge, blue lumpy mass of – oh god, husks – was dragging Chambers back inside the elevator, the yeoman screaming as she kicked the floor behind her, struggling to break free. A terse, strangled croak erupted from his throat as he forced himself into a shuffling, cluncking jog, avoiding the Collector's eyes. Fortunately, Chambers was making enough noise that the ginormous space roach bug things were distracted. As he headed past the mess tables, a blue lump of goo sprayed the wall by his head. He ducked, wondering if Chakwas had avoided the Collectors.

The med bay door opened, and . . . no. The doctor was gone, the floor and walls just inside the medical bay doors covered in some sort of bright yellowish goop. He rummaged in her desk for a bottle of pain meds, downing the familiar dosage dry as he staggered toward the AI core. "Main fusion plant offline," EDI said. "Activating emergency H fuel cells."

"What the shit?" Joker breathed, slamming his hand into the door's latch. It slid open, then sealed behind him. Pausing for a second to catch his breath, he finally latched onto EDI's console. "Yeah, so I'm at, well, you."

"Connect the core to the Normandy's primary control module."

Joker drew a sharp breath through his nose, leaning heavily on his uninjured foot. The console was confusing – he'd familiarized himself with the controls once, but had never really bothered to go over them in great detail. "Great. See, this is where it starts," he said as he fumbled with the controls. EDI flickered behind him. "And when we're all just organic batteries, guess who they'll blame." The crew deck had gone eerily quiet through the doors – screams no longer echoed through the halls, and the gunfire had died down.

He found himself rambling as he finally located the control module and connected EDI to it. "'This is all Joker's fault, what a tool he was. I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the Overlord.'"

The connection finished, and the AI core lit up like a suburban center at Christmas. "Ah," EDI said. "I have access to the defensive systems. Thank you, Mr. Moreau. Now you must reactivate the primary drive in engineering."

"Ugh," Joker groaned as EDI convalesced back into her flickering ball. "You want me to go crawling through the ducts again."

"I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees." Joker's eyes widened as he stumbled back into one of the railings. EDI flickered again. "That is a joke."

. . . "Yeah. Not funny."

"The shaft behind you connects to the engineering deck. Good luck."

With a second glance back at the med bay behind the AI core, Joker threw his crutches into the vent and lowered himself down the ladder. As he crawled towards the one that connected to the very depths of the ship – where Jack usually was, he remembered – EDI started humming in his ear. "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do –"

"Not funny!" Joker hissed.

He dropped off the ladder into the pit with a pause to grab his crutches, wincing on his foot before heading for the stairs – at least the drugs were kicking in, and his adrenaline was running so high that the pain was bearable. "Hostiles are present in engineering," EDI warned, once again deathly serious. "They are heading towards the cargo bay."

"Shit," he murmured, tripping on the stairs as one of his crutches snagged on a step, sending him crashing to the ground. On the wall he could just make out the shadow of one of those huge blue husk-y lumps and a Collector, carrying one of the storage pods out of engineering. "Shit . . ." That had to be either Ken or Gabby.

He lay there on the stairs, hardly daring to breathe, hoping the clatter he'd made when he'd tripped went unheard. Fear seized his mind again, helping the hapless pilot remain perfectly still from sheer terror rather than the necessity of remaining unnoticed. The door above him closed. "Engineering is clear of hostiles. Proceed immediately to minimize chances of detection."

He did, stumbling off the stairs and into the wide room. The blue glow of the drive core was nonexistent – it was still turned off. He found his way to Tali's console, the quarian's minor touches and additions still present onscreen. "Activate the drive and I will open the airlocks as we accelerate. All hostiles will be killed."

"No!" Joker protested, tapping at the console. "What about Hadley and Hawthorne and Goldstein an-and Chakwas! You can't just –"

"They're gone, Jeff," EDI said quietly, almost comfortingly. "The Collectors have everyone."

"Shit," he murmured, hurrying to the console in front of the drive core to finish the job. Every joint in his body protested the movement, arguing that freezing in place would be a much better route of action. "Shepard's gonna kill me."

"I am sealing the engine room." Joker pressed the last button between them and freedom. "I have control."

The drive core erupted in light, and Joker found himself thrown to the floor as the ship accelerated. Everything went dark.

He woke to EDI's voice. "— life forms on board. Securing airlocks and cargo bay doors."

Joker slowly pulled himself to his feet, wincing. One hand fumbled for his crutches, the feel of the wood under his hand oddly comforting despite the fact that they were utterly useless and hard to cuddle when he had nightmares (he thought disparagingly. He never really had nightmares, after all. That was for lesser men. Although there was totally one scheduled for the next time he managed to sleep). The drive core pulsed ahead of him, signifying that the ship had returned to flight. "Back to Overlord?"

"Yes, Jeff."

He leaned on the console, ripping his hat off. The entire crew, gone. Everyone, gone. Just . . . gone. Like that.

Screw the IFF. That hadn't been worth it. Everyone, gone. He groaned, feeling like even more of a dick for fighting with Hawthorne when he'd started hitting on Jack. Before everything got complicated.

Before everyone disappeared.

"Send a message to Shepard," he murmured. "Tell her what happened."

"Message away." There was a brief pause in the AI's voice. "Are you feeling well, Jeff?"

"No." He turned back, planning to return to med bay. "But thanks for asking."

EDI was quiet for a second as Joker made his way out of engineering.

"I am sorry. I should have been more prepared for an attack."

Joker paused, glancing back over his shoulder at the AI's slowly flickering bulb. "I shoulda been too, EDI," he murmured.

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A/N: I wanted to do the Collector ambush this way for several reasons:

1. The crew are not the same as the ground team. They're on the ship. They don't see this stuff every time they go groundside. So I wanted to play that up.

2. Joker is in charge of the ship with everyone gone. Miranda might be the XO, but you know that (at this juncture) Shepard's really placing Joker in charge a lot more than Miranda. He is the XXO, after all.

3. I, like so many others, was disappointed by the "A Wizard Did It" sort of "Let's get the entire ground team off on the shuttle" sort of thing. So I kind of thought it would have been easier to find a long mission that would require the whole team and then test the IFF while they're groundside. It's multitasking and would make sure they were ready for the Omega 4 faster - which Shepard would be happy about.

4. I had fun with this chapter, even though I had to put poor Joker through so much stress. :) I just felt like the game didn't really deal with that, despite Joker's constant swearing. And besides, any opportunity to harass Joker is one I take in a heartbeat.

5. I didn't play ME2 until very, very recently. As in, within the past year. I was familiar with the game thanks to one of my roommates (the aforementioned LCT) but had apparently not been in our apartment when she got to the Ambush. Therefore, I basically had the gist of the plotline, but then this happened. I was quite possibly more freaked out than Joker.

As always, hope you enjoyed. Reviews for the review whore? :)