DISCLAIMER: This chapter, and previous ones, does not reflect my own personal views on abortion. Views discussed in this writing are for the sole purpose of this fictional story, and whether or not the characters' beliefs directed in this way, I do not know, for I do not own any 7th Heaven characters. Unfortunately, they are property of Brenda Hampton and Spelling Television. If they were mine, there would be a 7th Heaven reunion by now, as I would not be wasting the actors' time on Secret Life. (:
Outside Heaven
Chapter 38
Only Time
The world around her was ticking like a stop watch, and Ruthie couldn't slow it down. She was racing the clock as she stepped into elevator with her sisters and brother. The elevator dinged with each floor it went past. With each floor they went up, her heart raced faster. What if they were too late? Would she ever be able to forgive herself?
Lucy was trembling next to her. Tears had already begun to drip out of her eyes. "I shouldn't have come back," she had whimpered. "I should have stayed." Of course, Matt did not know the real reason she was saying that. Mary and Ruthie did. If she hadn't come back, her secret would not have been revealed.
Only time would tell how long it would take for the others to find out. Giving those little ears that had overheard the conversation; Ruthie figured it wouldn't be long. It wouldn't be long before the whole world knew how messed up their family really was.
The elevator door slid open. "Go!" Lucy cried as she pushed passed Mary and Ruthie and started running down the hospital hallway. Ruthie looked up at Matt and Mary, both were frowning. Chills swept through Ruthie's body as she stretched her legs down the hallway, treading after Lucy.
Ruthie squinted, at the end of the hall way she saw two familiar faces; Hank and Carlos. "You made it," Hank gasped reached his arm out for Ruthie, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. Ruthie flinched, she didn't want his comfort, and after all, she had never been that close to Hank. Behind Lucy and Ruthie, Matt and Mary had caught up with them.
"Simon and Julie are in with her now…there's not much time," Carlos whispered, as he wrapped his arm around his wife, and kissed her forehead.
"We just got here," Hank told them. "Apparently just in time."
"Where's the Colonel?" Ruthie suddenly asked, as she looked around. Then she remembered that he had taken the twins to the park.
"He and George took Sam, David, Erica, and Nolan down to the cafeteria…it's almost like they're in denial," Hank answered hesitantly, his lips frowned. "But Ruthie, believe me, she's been asking for you. It's important that you don't waste any time. Go say goodbye to your grandma."
Ruthie nodded hesitantly, as tears began to roll down her cheeks. She glanced up at her oldest brother and sister; both motioned her to go in the room. Nervously, she peaked in the room. There she saw her. Her grandmother; a woman Ruthie would remember for always been sophisticated and strong. Now, she was as white as a ghost. She didn't want to see her like this, but she knew she had to fulfill her grandmother's last wishes.
To her right, was Simon; his face was stained from tears, and his eyes were glossed over. On the other side of her bed, her left, was Aunt Julie. Her face was also stained with tears. When her aunt saw Ruthie enter the door, she left her mother's bed post and walked over to Ruthie to wrap her arms around her. "Good, you're here," her aunt sniffled. "She's been asking for you." Ruthie nodded, as her aunt guided her over to her dying grandmother.
"Ruthie?" her grandmother's weak voice croaked. "Is that you, my granddaughter?"
Ruthie nodded with sobs as she broke away from her aunt's grip. "It's me, Ruthie, your granddaughter."
"Ruthie dear, don't cry," her grandmother whispered with a soulful voice. Ruthie could always remember her grandmother's serious, elegant voice. But now it was different now; now it was ghastly, and hoarse. Her breathing had become separated, almost as if she was choking for air.
"Grandma," Ruthie cried, "I love you…and I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to know you better." Her eyes wetted and she glanced toward her brother, whose tears had begun to roll faster.
"Ruthie, you have nothing to sorry about," her grandmother whispered. "It was I who should have been a better grandmother…and a great-grandmother…Ruthie, you're going to have beautiful children, and you have the opportunity to be a great mother. Just don't take the wrong path, don't let your children get away from you, like I did. Cherish every moment with them…children are the most beautiful creatures, can you hear them? They're singing for us." Her eyes were becoming glossy. Ruthie's face burned as she turned around and saw Matt, Mary, and Lucy standing in the doorway; their eyes filled with tears.
"No," Ruthie whispered. "I don't." And she realized it; her grandmother knew she was pregnant. Something about it all seemed surrealistic, but she knew that her grandmother was not talking hypothetically. She knew.
"There he is…" her grandmother whispered. "Jesus. He's here now…and look at those pearl gates…they're opening. I can see my boy, Eric! He's motioning for me to come join him …I've got to go now…"
"Wait—," Ruthie started, but she was too late. The once steady beeping of her grandmother's heart monitor had gone straight. Ruthie watched her grandmother's face go still; the little life that had been left in her had been sucked away. She was gone. "NO!" Ruthie cried as she fell into her aunt's arms. Her face dampened as she cushioned her face against her aunt's face, and their tears ran together.
As long as she lived, Ruthie knew she could never forget the day her father's mother died. Pain would stake within her heart each night, as she remembered watching her grandmother's soul leave her body. And her words stuck with Ruthie, "You're going to have beautiful children, and you have the option to be a great mother…"
By not being there for his wife's final moments, the Colonel had given himself reason to remain in denial of his wife's passing. As they prepared for the funeral, he remained his usual self. He continued on making jokes, corny ones at that. In a way, he remained close to his youngest grandchildren; it was like he was living through them. Ruthie had come to the conclusion that both her grandmother and grandfather had regrets with their own children; like they regretted not being there for them.
As for her immediate family, Matt and Sarah had become more distant than ever before. Ruthie could see it each time she saw them. It seemed now that Matt was pushing Sarah away. Ruthie wondered if she had told him, but somehow she doubted it.
They weren't the only ones distancing each other. Ruthie couldn't help but notice Mary pushing Carlos away, and Lucy pushing Kevin away. Simon and Cecilia seemed to be the only couple clinging to each other. After they had returned from the hospital, Simon had fallen into Cecilia's arms, as if he never wanted to let go.
Two days later, they held the funeral. The church was lovely, and full of flowers. It reminded Ruthie of her own father's funeral. Though, there weren't near as many people. Ruthie knew that both of her grandparents had been in the military, her grandmother had been a nurse. Several of her grandparents' military friends had come. But Ruthie knew none of them. There was one face she did recognize, though.
She was sitting in the front pew next to Mary when she spotted him. Ruthie was shocked to see him there; she remembered the last time he had come around, it had been around three years prior. Their father had asked him to come counsel some teenager who was about to become a teenaged father, just like him.
There he stood, tall next to a blonde woman – another face Ruthie recognized, though she was sure from where. It took her a few moments to realize who she was. Then it hit her: Mary's friend. It was Mary's friend, Corey, who had been on the basketball team with her. Wilson and Corey – they hadn't even been at her father's funeral, why were they there?
In each of their arms was a toddler, a boy and a girl that appeared about two. Both had dark hair and pale skin, and brown eyes. They looked like they could be foreign.
Quickly, Ruthie nudged her oldest sister. "Look who's here," she whispered in her sister's ear. Mary cracked her head behind her and nodded, not looking the least bit shocked.
"Yeah, he said he was coming," Mary whispered back. "He and Corey moved to New York about a year ago, we've been in touch…he was supposed to come to Dad's funeral, but they were already over in Russia picking up their little ones, Gabriel and Olivia."
"Oh." Ruthie raised her eyebrows, rounding her lips. Mary waved back at Wilson, motioning for him to come up next to them.
"There you are," he whispered, smiling friendly. Corey had followed, and two children that Ruthie hadn't spotted before were behind. They couldn't be too far in age, but Ruthie assumed it was Billy, and then she remembered that Corey had a daughter, but she couldn't remember her name right off the back. "Mary, I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I know how close you two were,"
"Thank you," Mary forced a smile, as she looked over at Billy. "That's Billy?" She raised a brow looking back and forth between Billy and Wilson. "You're so big now, the last I saw you, you weren't much bitter than my little boy."
"Are you Mary?" Billy asked. "My dad says that I used to think you were my mom when I was little…" Mary laughed, and blushed.
"Where are your kids?" Wilson asked. "I'd love to get the chance to meet them."
"Carlos has them, now that you mention it, they should be coming short—," before she could finish her sentence, Carlos came out of nowhere. He held Jenny in his arms, and Crissy was walking with her hand in Charlie's hand. The little girls were all dressed in black; Charlie was wearing a suit. "There they are." Mary smiled down as she reached down to pick up her daughter.
"Mommy!" the three and a half year old chirped as he climbed up next to his mother on the pew. He wrapped his arms around Mary, with love.
"Who's this?" Carlos inquired as he hesitantly glared at Wilson.
"Oh, this is Wilson…my…" Mary's face flushed a bit, as seemed to be thinking of a word to describe Wilson...
Wilson stuck out his hand to shake Carlos's hand. "I'm her friend from high school," he smiled as she shook Carlos's hand. He then turned to Corey, "And this is my wife, Corey, she played basketball with Mary in high school." And he turned toward his children, "And our children, Bernadette, who's twelve, Billy who's eleven, and the newest editions to our family, our two year old twins, Olivia and Gabriel."
"Oh, so how do you do Mary's grandmother if you went to high school with her?" Carlos questioned.
"Oh, well I lived in Buffalo for a few years following high school," Wilson explained. "We were pretty close."
Pretty close alright, Ruthie thought, as she remembered that they had almost gotten married.
"Of course," Carlos nodded. Somehow, his eyes hinted jealousy. Ruthie didn't know Carlos was the jealous type, but apparently, he had it in him.
Moments later, Kevin and Lucy entered the church with their daughters. Based on her past experience, Lucy had opted not to give the sermon at her grandmother's funeral. Given all that had happened in the past months, she had come to the conclusion that she couldn't handle it. Ruthie, she didn't know about the others, was shocked at that.
Lucy seemed to be avoiding eye contact with her husband, like she was afraid of him almost. Who could be afraid of Kevin? Ruthie wondered. She couldn't imagine Kevin ever hurting Lucy, if anyone hurt anyone, it would be Lucy hurting Kevin.
Hesitantly, Lucy took a seat next to Carlos. Savannah pushed her way between Carlos and Charlie, so she could sit next to her cousin. Both children were just too young to understand death. At their age, Ruthie hadn't even been to a funeral. The small children had experienced death far too much over the last year.
Kevin slid in next to Lucy, Lucy still kept looking away. Then she noticed the man sitting behind her. "Mary?" Lucy whispered down the row. "What are Wilson and Corey doing here?"
"They live in Buffalo now," Mary answered bluntly. She still had failed to answer the question. Lucy's face squished tight with confusion just as Sarah and the boys began walking down the aisle. Right behind her was Cecilia and Madi. Matt, Simon, George, Hank, along with two of Grandma Ruth's closest friends had all been selected as pallbearers.
Sarah and Cecilia took seats at the end of the row. "Where are the Colonel, Aunt Julie, and the kids?" Lucy whispered. "Shouldn't they be here by now?"
Both glanced at each other and shrugged. "I didn't see them back there," Cecilia admitted. "I'm sure they're fine…they were with the Colonel."
"Maybe I should go check on them," Lucy insisted as she started to stand up, but Kevin grabbed her arm.
"Luce, chill," he whispered. "Like Cecilia said, I'm sure they're fine, as long as they're with their grandfather. It's good for your grandfather to be around the kids, especially if it helps him with his grieving."
The Colonel, grieve? The words didn't seem to fit in the same sentence, Ruthie took note of. Over the past days, she hadn't seen her grandfather grieve. She tried to imagine her grandfather lying in bed alone at night, in tears, like any normal person who had just lost someone they had spent fifty years with. But she just couldn't.
A split second later, Aunt Julie started walking down the aisle. She dressed head to two in black, and her eyes were red from crying. Her eyes were wandering, and as she took a seat behind them, next to Wilson and his family, she whispered, "Where are my father and children…and Sam and David?"
"Wait, you weren't with them?" Lucy shot her eyebrows up, her face flushed red with worry. "Well, then, I better go find them…" She started to stand up again but Kevin grabbed her again.
"Luce, chill," he whispered.
"Chill, you're telling me to chill. Right, I don't have to chill! This is my grandmother's funeral!" Lucy shrieked, embarrassing them all. Ruthie could feel the eyes of people in the back of the church falling on them. Leave it to Lucy, she thought, to embarrass us all.
As Lucy panicked, the organ player had begun playing Amazing Grace, and the chorus – mostly made up of Grandma Ruth's fellow military nurses – had started singing the lyrics.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed …?
As the music played, Ruthie's body lingered with sadness. From the time she was little, there was something about that song that had always made her sad. Ruthie could remember it being played at her other grandmother's funeral. Maybe it was then that she had started associating Amazing Grace with mourn and death.
Saving Lucy's panic, the Colonel along with his four youngest children entered the church. Heads turned with his presence. There stood a man of dignity and structure; a man who was now a widow.
He stood straight and tall, just like he always had. No tear came from his eyes as he placed his hand on his youngest grandchild's shoulder. The four children shyly made their way down the aisle with their grandfather, several sets of eyes continued to beat on them all.
The Colonel acknowledged his grieving family with a nod, and the children squeezed in the pew that they all sat in. On the other hand, the Colonel took a seat in the empty pew on the right, sitting all by himself.
Ruthie felt disconnected for the remainder of the funeral. She found herself staring a head, ahead at the Alter. Her head spun with ambivalence and loneliness; she became so disconnected from her surroundings that she didn't even realize when the song changed. When she had become conscious again, the new lyrics swirled in her brain.
Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows, only time?
And who can say if your love grows,
as your hearth chose, only time?
Who can say why your heart sights,
as your life flies, only time?
And who can say why your heart cries
when your love lies, only time?
Who can say when the roads meet,
that love might be in your heart?
And who can say when the day sleeps,
and the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart...
Who can say if your love groves,
as your heart chose, only time?
And who can say where the road goes
where the day flows, only time?
Who knows? Only time
who knows? Only time
She felt her eyes watering up vigorously, as her thoughts went back to Martin, and then Peter. They were the only two guys she had over really loved, or at least thought she had. Or had she ever experienced true love? That, she didn't know the answer to, what is true love? What was true love? Will I ever know? Ruthie's head spun as the song came to an end. Only time would tell.
Mary seemed to take note to the tears in her eyes, and gently wrapped her arm around Ruthie. "It'll be okay, Ruthie," Mary whispered, and Ruthie knew right away that Mary wasn't referring to their grandmother's passing. She was referring to it.
The remainder of the funeral was filled with sorrow and mourning, as Ruthie found herself bursting into tears at random times. The thing was she knew she wasn't crying for her grandmother's passing, even though that was sad. She was crying for herself, and only herself. Every time she screwed up, somebody died. It was like she was a magnet for causing death with her troubles.
After the funeral, the reception was held in the basement. Ruthie found herself pulling a chair to herself, away from everyone else. She closed her eyes and wondered where she would be a year, or two, or five. Gently, she found herself placing her palm on her stomach. She wondered; would it really happen this time? Would she…give birth? Or would history repeat itself? Only time would tell.
"Ruthie?" her sister's voice startled her, and she spun around. Lucy stood before her holding Bekah. "Why are you over here by yourself?"
"Huh? Uh, I just wanted a place to think, that's all," Ruthie murmured.
"Are you okay?" Lucy inquired. "You look pale, and I have to say, you look like you've lost a lot of weight. Are Simon and Cecilia feeding you alright? I could go get you a sandwich or something…?"
"Huh?" Ruthie shook her hair back and forth. Lightly, she stroked her forefinger down her arm, feeling the bone stick out at the end of her wrist. She had lost a lot of weight since last spring, something she hadn't noticed. "I'm fine," Ruthie insisted. "And…I don't think I could eat now if my life depended on it."
"I see. Neither could I." Lucy whispered as she took a seat down next to her. "Hey, Ruthie—," she began. Ruthie raised her eyebrows, acknowledging Lucy, and waited. As she gently rubbed her daughter's back, Lucy let out a sigh as she gazed into Ruthie's eyes. "I-I know I haven't exactly been the most supportive sister over the last months…and I've been taking a lot of my anger out on the rest of the family."
"Mhm," Ruthie murmured. A chill swept down her arm, and she felt goose bumps crawl up it. She had a feeling that she knew where Lucy was going.
"And…well, I'm sorry Ruthie," Lucy sighed. "I miss talking to you…you and Mary both. Remember back when we used to share each others secrets?"
Ruthie nodded, "Yeah…"
"I wish we could have that relationship again," Lucy sighed.
"Well, that's kind of a three part job," Ruthie mumbled. "Don't blame me for that." She rolled her eyes and looked into her sister's watery blue, sincere looking eyes. Had she finally come around? Who knocked sense into her?
Lucy nodded in agreement. "You're right…and I'm not blaming you Ruthie. I…do take partial responsibility for us drifting away…and…I think I know what part of the problem has been."
"Oh," Ruthie uttered. "What would that be?"
Lucy ran her right hand through her hair, and murmured, "Guilt."
"Guilt, you say?"
Her sister nodded. "Ever since…well, ever since I lost the twins…it's been on my mind nonstop. Then, after the baby died…and this December…I feel like God's punishing me for what I did…"
"Why'd you do it?" Ruthie inquired. "I mean, you were married to Kevin…and he's a great guy. What's the deal?"
Lucy's face flushed, likely with embarrassment. "We were just newlyweds," Lucy whispered. "And…I have another confession…"
"Oh?"
"I called Sarah, when I suspected, and she told me…"
"You knew?" Ruthie gasped. "Sarah didn't tell me that…she said that only Cecilia and her mom knew…"
Lucy huffed and rolled her eyes. "I don't see how she could forget. But yes, I knew. She told me way back then, and I do know that her mother helped with the carrot seed soup. It was her mother's recipe…apparently it's been in their family for years." Looking away from Ruthie, she sighed, "Yesterday, when I freaked out, I was trying to look like I didn't know. Because if I knew, then my...secret...would come out, and I couldn't have that. Obviously, my plan backfired."
"You mean…" Ruthie's stomach churned with assumptions. "You're lying," Ruthie accused. She has to be, she just has to be lying, Ruthie told herself. She's trying to make Sarah look like the bad guy, and she an innocent victim…that witch. But, then again, before yesterday, Ruthie would have never guessed that she had self-induced an abortion in the first place. Nonetheless, defensively, she argued, "Sarah wouldn't, she just wouldn't do that…"
"Sarah wouldn't do what?" a deep voice spoke from only a few steps away. Quickly, Ruthie turned her neck away from her sister. Matt was standing before them; he held a plate that was full of food.
"Gross, how can you eat at a time like this?" Lucy rolled her eyes as she rocked her redheaded baby.
"For your information," Matt spoke with a huff, his eyes directed toward Ruthie. "I brought this place for Ruthie; I can't help but notice that she's turned into skin and bones over the last couple of months. Here, Ruthie, eat." Gently, he placed the plate in front of her and then took a seat across from his sisters.
"Uh, thanks, but I'm not hungry…" Ruthie insisted.
"Eat." His stern dark brown eyes aimed directly into hers. Ruthie nodded, hesitantly, and forced a bite from the pulled pork sandwich. Slowly, she chewed the salty meat inside her mouth. The saliva inside of mouth began to build up as she chewed, and her stomach churned and her throat hardened as she forced herself to swallow the bite. In the meantime, Matt crossed down his arms and eyeballed Lucy and Ruthie. "So, what were you saying my wife would never do?"
Ruthie looked at Lucy warningly. Lucy wouldn't tell Matt, because if she did, then she would have to reveal her own secret. "Um, nothing," Lucy insisted. "It's nothing, nothing that concerns you." Well, that's a lie, Ruthie thought, it definitely concerns him.
"We weren't talking about Sarah," Ruthie insisted, going along with her sister's lie. "Remember my friend Sarah from grade school? Well, we were talking about her. Lucy saw her…uh…smoking pot the other day before they left Glen Oak, and she was telling me." There, Ruthie thought, I've just succeeded in making a little lie, a big lie. Hesitantly, she glanced at her older sister, who was rolling her eyes.
"You know," Matt gave his sisters a skeptical look. "You're both terrible liars. Of course, that's not your fault. It's in your genes, but still." Ruthie glanced back at her sister, who shrugged, and Ruthie shrugged back, and then her eyes traveled back to her brother. "Anyway…" Matt started; his eyes were now directly aimed at Ruthie. "There's something I wanted to talk with you about, Ruthie."
He knows; he has to, Ruthie thought, did Sarah tell him? No, she wouldn't, would she? She hadn't told him about last December, or at least that was the impression that was received. Would Simon have told him? After all, it was his and Cecilia's idea to keep it a secret until all of this chaos was over. "Um, okay," Ruthie shrugged, anxiously.
"I'm listening," Lucy said.
"He said Ruthie, not Lucy and Ruthie," Ruthie rolled her eyes; she had already managed to forget about the food sitting in front of her. It still lingered up her nostrils, yet, she managed to avoid it.
Lucy huffed as she looked at Matt. Matt said nothing, he solely shrugged and his eyes aimed back toward Ruthie. "Ruthie," he said, "from my experience…which isn't much, but I've had some, they say that people who are near death…know…stuff."
"Uh, okay." She trembled, and her palms became sweaty.
"Well…" he continued, "I can't help but replay Grandma Ruth's final words to you in my head…'Ruthie, you're going to have beautiful children, and you have the opportunity to be a great mother…' Why would she say that, unless she knew something?"
"Oh my…" Lucy trailed. "Ruthie, you're…you're…no…you can't be. Not again. Holy..." Lucy's once shimmering blue eyes turned pale, and the color was sucked out of her face, as if she could faint.
"Luce…" Matt trailed. "Are you okay?"
"This is my fault," Lucy whispered. She turned to Ruthie. "It happened on Christmas Eve, didn't it? Oh, God. It's my fault…if I had let them run after you…Ruthie, who's the father? I know you came back with Peter, but he was supposed to be at work when you ran off. Where'd you go after you ran off?"
"You people sure jump to conclusions," Ruthie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. As she spoke, a waddling Sarah came across the room, followed by Kevin.
"Where are the kids?" Lucy immediately gasped, directing her attention off of Ruthie for a few minutes.
"Julie's with them all in the nursery, if you'd like, I can take Bekah over there and you can free your arms for a bit," Kevin insisted.
Lucy shook her head and gripped onto her daughter. "That's fine. I'd just soon keep her right here with me." As she spoke, she was bombarded with gazes from Sarah and Ruthie. "You know," she said. "On second thought, sure, you know, I'll take her…I'll be right back, you stay put, Kevin." She winced and stretched to give Kevin a peck on the cheek, something she used to do all of the time, but Ruthie hadn't seen her do in awhile. Even Kevin seemed a little shocked, as he gave them all an astounded look as Lucy rapidly disappeared with Bekah.
"What's going on?" Kevin inquired, looking at Ruthie, Matt, and Sarah.
"I don't know," Matt answered. "I think it's a woman thing, if you know what I mean." He winked at Kevin, who raised his eyebrows, and the brother-in-laws exchanged looks.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Sarah gaped at her husband. She looked at Ruthie, as if she was searching for an answer. A stretch of paranoia overtook Sarah's face. Ruthie had never seen Sarah look so paranoid. Her eyes widened, and her face turned beet red with fury.
"It means, when I walked over here that Ruthie's exact words were 'Sarah wouldn't do that!' then, when I questioned them, they came up with some pathetic lie about some friend of Ruthie's in high school. What am I missing here? I feel like there's this big secret circling around you women. I heard you and Cecilia whispering on Christmas Eve, and now Lucy and Ruthie are in on it. Sarah, what aren't you telling me?" Matt shot at his wife, his eyes bloodshot.
"What's going on over here?" Simon asked, walking toward them with a glass in his hand. "I heard my wife's name mentioned…something about whispering? What was she whispering about?" Cecilia stood right behind him, giving Sarah and Ruthie hesitant glares.
"See!" Matt cried. "It's us men that are being left out. Our wives and sisters know something, Simon, and they're not sharing it with us."
Simon shot a glance at Ruthie and whispered, "Did you tell them?"
"I told Sarah and Mary," Ruthie answered back, not in a whisper. "But not Lucy – not officially anyway, though Matt already kind of spilled…"
"So, you are pregnant," Matt insisted. "I knew it…the dying really are all-knowing."
"Don't say the word!" Ruthie spat, though she knew it wasn't like it made a difference. She would have to come to terms with it sooner or later.
"You're pregnant?" Kevin gasped.
"I knew it!" Lucy cried, who had just came back in the room. Heads turned as her presence re-entered. "I just knew it…and it's my entire fault."
"Who's the father?" Matt asked. "So I can go murder him."
"It's Morgan…" a solid voice came from just a few feet away. "I mean, Martin, Morgan…same person."
"Okay, Morgan and Martin is not the same person!" Lucy shot. "Morgan was our father's dear friend, a minister. Martin…Martin, he's dead when I get my hands on him; that fool!" She placed her hand on Ruthie's shoulder. "What were you thinking? He's too old for you!"
"He's only two years older than me," Ruthie rolled her eyes. "And I'm eighteen now…I'm of the age of consent, so please; quit treating me like I'm a baby." And then her eyes turned back to Matt, "And Simon already volunteered to murder him, thanks anyway." She couldn't help but notice Simon's face flush pink.
"For Heaven's sake!" Matt cried. "This isn't answering my question, and I want it answered now." His eyes shot up at his anxious pregnant wife. "What is going on, and something tells me it has absolutely nothing to do with my unwed eighteen year old sister being impregnated by a guy who used to live with her. And I want answers, now. We can deal with her later!"
Ruthie bit her tongue, and forced herself to hold back laughter. Thank you Sarah, Mary, and Lucy, she thought. Her eyes traveled around the room, only to realize at least thirty sets of eyes were gaping at them.
Mary had noticed too, and she grabbed Carlos's arm and sighed. "I really, really don't think this is the place to do this…let's take this outside, okay?"
"Sounds like a winner to me," Sarah agreed with Mary, nodding. Her voice then turned into a whisper, "I really doubt that you want all of your grandparents' friends listening."
"It's that bad, eh?" Matt asked doubtfully, but nonetheless stood up. "Let's take this outside then, now."
And they did just that. Matt, Sarah, Carlos, Mary, Simon, Cecilia, and Ruthie all made their way to the outdoors, escaping the internal glares. Ruthie couldn't help but feel that they were still being watched. And they probably were. People would always find a way to snoop into business that wasn't theirs; she of all people ought to have known that.
"So," Matt glared demandingly at his wife and sisters.
"Okay!" Sarah cried. Salty liquid formed in streams down her face. "Four and a half years ago…in May 2003...I murdered our first child. It was selfish of me, and I felt like I didn't have a choice. I'm sorry, Matt. You'll probably never forgive me, and I'm sorry I lied to you…for all of this time. You have no idea how bad it's hurt." Her bloodshot eyes gaped into her husband's.
Matt gazed back at his wife in shock. His eyes had become watered, as tears started to roll out of his eyes too. "That's all?" he asked. "You…you had an abortion…"
"…Not just any abortion, I self-induced it…with the help of my mom…"
Simon and Kevin's jaws dropped to the ground at the same time, both appeared to be in shock. Carlos, on the other hand, didn't seem the least bit surprised. His face remained neutral as he looked at his own wife. Maybe his own mind was swept with curiosity.
Ruthie shot a look at Lucy. She hadn't lied. Ruthie couldn't believe it. Tears were already streaming down her face as she knew her revelation was coming.
"And…and…" she looked at Lucy. "Luce called me…"
"What, Lucy called you?" Matt and Kevin both asked at the same time.
Kevin noticed the tears rolling from his wife's eyes. It wasn't abnormal to see her cry, but given the situation, and the fact that she wasn't attacking Sarah for doing something so immoral, had to make him suspicious. "What is it, Luce? What did you and Sarah talk about?"
"Kevin," Lucy whimpered. "That same spring…I was pregnant too…with our first...Dad had heard that Matt and Sarah were expecting, and I realized I was late. It was only a month and a half after our wedding, and it was just too soon. I was still in school, and I loved you and wanted to have your baby…and…"
"She wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for me," Sarah whispered. "I put her up to it, when Lucy called me she was in tears, she said she was afraid of being pregnant at that time…the feelings she described to me were very much like the ones I had been enduring…so I gave her the recipe that my mom had give me."
"Your mom gave it to you?" Matt gasped. "B-But when I came home right after you told me that you weren't pregnant, your mom was there…there was no way that she knew you were…" his face turned slightly green. "No way, you should have seen how thrilled she was.'
"I know," Sarah whispered. "Right after she was at your house, she called me. My original plans had been to run off to Florida and get a traditional abortion, and when I told my mom that, she told me there was an easier way…a cheaper way, a way that had been in her family for years." She took a deep breath and collapsed her palm on her unborn child. "Matt," she whispered. "Can you ever forgive me? I'll understand if you can't."
Matt closed his eyes, and nodded his head gently. "Sarah…" he reached his arms out and wrapped them around his wife. "I love you," he whispered softly. "And…nothing can change that, we've been through thick and thin…and you've given me two adorable boys, and we're about to have a third. Neither of us are the same people we were our first year of medical school. Now, I think a lot of what happened the following Hanukkah makes sense. In fact, everything makes sense now…I'm just sorry I didn't see it before. If anything, I should've…" A light shimmered in his eyes as he scooped up his wife and unborn child.
On the other side of the tracks, Kevin was staring stupefied at his wife. "Luce, why didn't you tell me? You know that I was raised Catholic, and how against abortion I am."
"Technically, I didn't have an abortion," Lucy murmured. "As far as that goes, it was a miscarriage…and Kevin, do you have any whopping idea how awful I've felt? We've lost four babies since then, and it's my fault. I feel that God's punishing me for what I did. Each and every day, I've been punished. I don't deserve to be a minister, Kevin, I don't deserve Him…and I most certainly don't deserve you. I understand if you'll never forgive me."
Kevin's eyes glistened with liquid; for a buff man who never showed emotion, he showed nothing but emotion at that point. He looked over at Matt and Sarah, whose arms crossed tightly across each other. "If Matt can forgive Sarah," Kevin whispered. "And if it really was her who gave you the idea…Luce, I don't know…"
Lucy wrinkled her nose and sniffed. She turned around and looked at Ruthie. Somehow, Ruthie got the drift that Lucy was thinking, "I bet you're happy, eh?" But how could she be? Yes, she was happy that for once the attention wasn't focused on her. To see her siblings in such pain, over something that occurred so long ago, hurt.
"Only time, Luce, only time," Kevin whispered as he gently stroked her soft hair. "We'll get past this," he murmured. "We've got two daughters to think about…and maybe, now that this is off of your chest…maybe God will forgive you, unless of course, it's really like the doctors say, and it's been our blood type all along…"
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Lucy whispered, still sobbing.
"That I'd like to have more children with you, Lucy Kinkirk," Kevin suggested. "If that's what you mean."
"Even knowing what a terrible person I am?" she asked, "Still?"
"We'll have to see," Kevin said; his tone couldn't have been more serious. "Like I said, only time can reveal all…time heals."
Ruthie's eyes jetted away from Lucy, Kevin, Matt, and Sarah. She met eyes with the silent group: Simon, Cecilia, Mary, and Carlos. Simon's eyes were on his own wife. "There's not anything that you're not telling me, is there?" he inquired. "You didn't…have an abortion, or miscarriage, did you?"
Cecilia gazed sternly at her husband. "No, and I'm appalled that you would even accuse me of that and not telling you so. Our daughter was my first pregnancy."
Simon let out a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry, but you can't blame me, Cecilia." He looked over at Lucy and whispered quietly so his sister couldn't hear him, "This is Lucy we're talking about, Cecilia. Lucy."
In the meantime, Carlos was shrugging at his own wife. "So, Mare, do you have any secrets you'd like to share with me?"
Mary glared over at Ruthie and shrugged, sighing. "It was before we were together, Carlos…months before we ever reunited. It wasn't yours, and I couldn't have that man's baby."
"Captain Jack?" Carlos asked. "The old guy you told me about?"
Mary nodded reluctantly.
"Good. I'm glad you got rid of it."
"You're Catholic too, aren't you against abortion?" Mary accused, seemingly shocked by her husband's reaction.
"Yeah, but having a baby with a man twice your age, Mare? ¡Eso es asqueroso!"
"No, he wasn't a virgin!" Mary cried. "He had two daughters, both whom were about my age."
Carlos let out a roll of laughter. "¡Eso es asqueroso! Means: That is gross!"
"Oooooh," Mary raised her eyebrows. "Soooo…" her face flushed a bit as she looked at Ruthie, and then back at her husband, and then toward Simon and Cecilia. "I was thinking, now that Ruthie's…well, you know…she should come live with us, what do you think about that Carlos?"
Carlos shrugged, "I don't see anything wrong with that at all. Ruthie's more than welcomed to come live with us."
"I think not!" Simon gasped, before Carlos could answer. "She has been happy in London, haven't you been Ruthie? And besides, Mary, come on. Remember last time!"
"Don't bring that up, please," Mary pleaded, more patient than she had been when Sarah had brought that up. It was like she was out to prove her sanity to Simon. "You're only using her as an in-house baby-sitter."
"And what would you be using her as?" Simon coughed. "You have three kids, come on."
"I would insist that Ruthie get a job in New York. She barely has any work experience, and baby-sitting doesn't count—."
"—I worked at the movie theater in Glen Oak for awhile," Ruthie insisted; then she shuddered as she remembered why she had wanted that job so badly. T-Bone, her heart pounded recklessly. Horrible memories flooded her head.
"See, she needs more experience in the real world, and she's not going to get that living in London…" Mary insisted. "New York would be good for her; I know it was good for me at that age. I was the same age Ruthie is now when I moved in with the Colonel and Grandma." As she pronounced Grandma, Mary's voice quivered just a tad.
"You were in Buffalo," Simon pointed out. "Not New York City. There's a difference. I don't think I like the idea of my eighteen-year-old pregnant sister living in New York City, and no offense Mare, but particularly with you. You're not exactly the best example."
"Only 7.7 million people," Mary suggested, laughing a bit, almost like she was serious. "And besides, she's already pregnant. What could happen that's worse? And while we're talking about setting bad examples, I remember a certain someone who came home drunk his sophomore year and used his siblings to cover his tracks, and I also remember hearing about a certain someone who thought he had AIDS, before he was married."
"Don't you dare…?" Simon's eyes glared. "And you've just admitted to not being a virgin when you married Carlos! So, like you have room to talk! At least my girlfriend didn't have an abortion."
"And you know that, how? If I remember right, you had your own pregnancy scare. In fact, if I remember right, you had two of them…how do you know that one, or both, of them didn't abort their pregnancies?" Mary shot. "You know, it's our bodies, our choice. We don't have to tell the father of our babies what we're doing!"
"Wait a minute," Simon raised his brows as he glared back and forth between Mary and Ruthie. His eyes finally set on Mary. "You're not going to insist Ruthie get an abortion, and not tell Martin, are you? You can't do that, Mary. Despite how much anger I feel for Martin right now, Ruthie's equally responsible, she's eighteen now. And he has all of the right to know…"
"No, actually he doesn't," Mary said. "It's her body, her choice." She crossed her arms and looked toward Ruthie.
Here they had been raised in a conservative, Christian atmosphere. Her father had never mentioned abortion around the children. When he talked about teenaged pregnancy, he would always mention two options: keeping the baby or adoption. Abortion was never the answer, and here it was, being throwed around so vigorously.
Carefully, she glanced over at Lucy and Sarah, both clinging to their respective spouses. She saw the hurt in their eyes, and the pain they endured. If she aborted the child, she knew that was exactly how she would feel. A piece of emptiness lingered within their eyes. Ruthie didn't want to feel that emptiness again, a feeling she had felt last summer when she had found out about the baby she lost. How could I ever intentionally kill my child?
"Either way," Cecilia finally spoke up, looking into her husband's eyes. "Whatever Ruthie does, it's her choice. It's her life. She needs to decide where she wants to live, and what she wants to do with her body."
Her head continued to spin, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't picture herself ever going back to London. What would she do there? Sit on her bed, watch Madi, and eat chips for the next nine months? Surely she'd be so fat; she'd never lose the baby fat after the baby was born.
Mary and Carlos's eyes shined into hers sincerely. The option was there, and even if she knew she couldn't abort the child like Mary had suggested, an opportunity was there. And if Mary was willing to support her…could she say no?
What are you thinking, Ruthie! Her conscious screamed back at her. This was the same sister who had abandoned her after the accident that had killed her unborn child; the same sister who had destroyed a gym, begged for money, and taken advantage of her sisterly love; the same sister who had lied to her on more than one occasion. Could she really be trusted now?
Her eyes looked sincere, but were they were really? "So Ruthie," Mary asked quietly. "What do you say?"
Author's Note: What will she decide? Find out next chapter! I originally wanted you to find out this chapter, but it got way too long, and I find that 10,000 word chapters are too long to read. (This is pushing it, it's at about 7,400.)
Credits:
Amazing Grace – John Newton
Only Time – Enya
Oh yeah…thank you guys for the reviews, and getting me to the magical two hundred! :] Let's go for another 200? I'm happy with any reviews. Reviews are what keep me motivated. Believe me, when I started this, I would have never guessed that this story would make 38 chapters, 200 reviews, and 200,000 words. Thank you all for keeping me going.