Chapter 37: Zui Hou De Zhan Yi (Final Battle)

When priests are more in word than matter,

When brewers mar their malt with water,

When nobles are their tailor' tutors,

No heretics burned but wenches' suitors,

When every case in law is right,

No squire in debt, no no poor knight;

When slanders do not live in tongues,

Nor cutpurses com not to throngs,

When usurers tell their gold I' th' field,

And bawds and whores do churches build,

Then shall the realm of Albion

Come to great confusion;

Then comes the time, who lives to see 't,

That going shall be used with feet.

The next few hours were a blur to me. I could hear someone screaming my name, someone so far away. I could feel myself fading in and out of consciousness, a blur of colors and the feel of someone picking me up. There was this ethereal feeling to it all, as if it all wasn't happening. I could hear myself breathing heavily, I could hear the sounds of people walking around. I could hear a heartbeat, a loud heartbeat that thundered in my ears. I couldn't remember too much, But I could hear sirens somewhere, someone shouting my name over and over. I couldn't remember anything except for the few times that light permeated through the darkness to show me where I was.

In the distance I could hear something beeping, something cold was being pressed onto me. There was a bright light and much chattering. I could see the faint outline of someone hovering over me, he was muttering comforting words, there was someone else to my side, holding my hand, constantly rubbing it and constantly, somewhere in the background I swore I could have heard crying. I swear I could have heard someone crying in the background.

That was all I could remember before the world turned black.

I woke up dressed in the pale blue of a hospital suit, there were things stuck to my arms, things taped onto my fingers and there was just so much machinery all around me, there was a soft beeping noise in the background. The very same one that monitored Nana when she was in the same predicament. The first thing I could think of was that this was all a dream. A nightmare, a nightmare that I was somehow hospitalized just like my best friend was. There wasn't a way that this could be happening to me right now. It was all a dream, it had to be. There was no way that this couldn't be a dream. I promised, I promised her that I would live.

"Hey... you awake?"

"If I was asleep would I be answering you?"

"Yeah, you're awake, and snarky as always."

"I'll take it as a compliment."

"Miss. Mogami, I'm glad to know you're awake. You had quite a fall." The doctor stood there, clad in white and a clipboard in hand. He had the air of

"Yeah, I guess I did, so uhm... when will I be able to get out of here?"

"I'm afraid you can't."

"Wait... what do you mean? Why can I get out?"

"Well... We took X-rays and ran some blood tests."

"And?"

"And... I don't think there's ever a kind way to say this, but uhm... you have a severe case of Lupus. It's attacked your heart and part of your lungs. Which is what caused you to faint earlier today. I'm sorry to say this, but you don't have much longer to live."

"How much longer?"

"Two days. At the state that your immune system is at... it' a miracle if you had lived any longer than today."

"Two days... that's... when our next concert is."

"Yunho, I'm sure that I'm quite adept at reading a calendar. Yes, I know that your concert's in two days. And I'll make it quite known that there isn't any worry for you guys, all the outfits are pretty much done, just a few touches here and there, but I'm sure you guys could live without them."

"Yashi, you've got Lupus, you're dying as we speak, and you're worried about us! Why don't worry about yourself for once?"

"Because if I did, then I'd miss out on all the fun in life."

"Doctor, are you sure there's nothing that you can do? There isn't some sort of medicine that can do anything?"

"Sir, I know that you're worried, but there just is no cure. Now we can help her ease the pain a bit... but with the condition that she's in, there really isn't anything we can do. If we had caught it earlier, then there might have been something that we could have done."

"So there's nothing left."

"I hate to say it, but there really isn't. It's attacked her immune system so she can't really fight back at this point... I'm afraid the most we can do is just lessen the pain that last attack had on her body."

"Yunho, don't listen to that doctor. I'll be fine, just a few days in here and I'll be back to normal. But... if word of this happens to get out to Sungmin and the others though, that might be a bit of a problem."

"Uhm... about that..."

"Don't tell me you called him."

"Well what was I going to do? Just sit here and hide it from them that you fainted in the middle of the stage and started to spew blood from the corner of your mouth?"

"Was it that bad?"

"It gave me the scare of my life. I thought you were dead."

"This... isn't a dream is it?"

"Want me to pinch you to make sure?"

"I think I'll survive without it, Yunho."

"Miss. Mogami, I'll be taking my leave now, if there's anything else you need, don't hesitate to call one of us."

"Of course. Thank you for taking care of me."

"It's our job... it also looks like you've got some more visitors."

In decided to walk a weary Hankyung and a bubbling Sungmin. A giant bouquet of flowers was in his hands. If I hadn't known better, I could have sworn he would be tipped over any moment now from the sheer number of florals in his hands. It was seriously half the size of the poor guy. Which brings me to wonder, where the Hell did he get that many flowers in the first place? Something about Hankyung's face told me that it involved some bribing and lots of fangirls.

The things that fame can do to someone.

"MOMMY! You're alive! When Daddy Yunho called he made it sound like you were already dead!"

"Sungmin... You keep talking to your mother at that volume and I'll die from bleeding out through my ears."

"Really!"

"No. She was being sarcastic. Seriously, Yashi, you should know Sungmin's brain doesn't register sarcasm like normal people."

"Hankyung, it's because you haven't taught him the truth about life. You should be more considerate and teach him the difference between sarcasm and a serious tone. It'll do him well when he gets older."

"He's already older than you."

"I know, but he's more innocent than I was when I graduated from high school. Did he grow up under a rock?"

"I don't know, that sure as hell beats me. But hey, he can sing and he can dance. So I guess that's all that really matters."

"In this industry, yeah, that and if you look good it's always a plus."

"Mommy... when are you going to get out?"

"Soon, I promise. I'll be able to get out of here and then we'll go bake cookies for Daddy Yunho."

"Really?"

"Really."

"I'll be happy to eat them just as long as you two don't poison them first."

"So, when are you going to be able to get out of here?"

"Doctors said in two days."

"Really! That's great!"

Yunho looked at me as if there was something he wanted to say about my choice of words. It was as if I was giving Sungmin some sort of false hope. But what was I to say? That I was going to die because there's no cure for me at this point? What did he want me to tell him? The truth? No, that's too painful, I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. It would be better if he just continued to live out his little fantasy about our little demented family. It would be better for him to just continue to live innocently for the time being.

There was silence for a very long time. The constant beeping of the heart monitor kept in time with second hand of the clock. The air wasn't stuffy as awkward silences go, but rather, it had an ominous sort of feel to it. As if, no matter how much I wanted Sungmin to not know of the condition, it was inevitable that I was to die. There wasn't going to be a time when I would walk out of this white prison. There wasn't going to be a time when I would be once again free to see the world. There wouldn't be. And I regret with all my heart that I didn't make life better for myself before this.

For all the wars against myself I've fought, for all the times when I've battled against myself, this is my last battle. There's no doubt about it. I suppose I finally understand what Nana meant when she could feel herself dying. The slow draining feeling of life just melting away. I had always thought that I had more time. I had always believed that I would be able to live past the age of thirty.

I had thought that I would be able to write the end of my fairytale with Yunho. After last night, I thought I could do everything, I had it all. I had finally found the right thing. And now, look at me, pathetic, laying in a hospital bed, completely vulnerable and weak.

God, I'm a sad person.

Ring, ring, ring! Ring, ring, ring!

"Hello? Yes... Yes, Yes Jaejoong, she's alive. No... the costumes should be fine. Yes, I'll be there for the concert. I can assure you that. Yes, I'm coming back right now... I know, I know, we've got rehearsal tomorrow. I'm not dumb."

The first sound to break past the heavy silence was the high pitched ring of Yunho's cellphone and his answer to the call. It seemed as though no matter how hard he wants to be normal, he'll forever be that famous guy whom so many people will look up to. Indeed, no matter how ill I am, no matter where I am, no matter what condition I'm in, he's still a celebrity. He still had his duties and obligations. He had work to do, not me. He was the one who needed to get out there and show the world what he was made of. I had no need to be there, I was only a support, a way for him to get forward.

No matter how much I look at it, I'm only made for supporting others. There's no way I could stand out for myself. There's no way I could ever find the courage to stand up in front of thousands of people and show them my passion. There's just no way that I could.

"Gentlemen... Visiting hours are over. It will do you and the patient well if you will leave as soon as possible." A nurse at the doorway coolly said, her demeanor and the way she carried herself was clear that she didn't find it very acceptable that there were visitors at all. Really, I wonder if she ever had anyone visit her when she was in the hospital. Maybe that's the reason she's so bitter. Quite frankly, I'm almost sure she had the disposition to throw all three of them out if they didn't comply completely and immediately.

I suppose some people are just anal retentive that way.

"Okay, before we get kicked out by the scariest thing since medical malpractice, we should leave you to sleep now. I'll see you tomorrow when rehearsal is over alright?"

"Alright, I'll be dreaming happily of you."

"And don't forget about me, Mommy!"

"Of course not, why would I forget to dream about you?"

"Because, I didn't tell you to!"

"Don't worry, you're always happily dancing around in my dreams, Sungmin. Promise you'll see your mother when you have the time to?"

"I promise!"

"Good boy, now go along home and get some sleep alright?"

"Okay!"

"Good night, Yashi, we'll visit when we can."

"I know you will, Hankyung. You're a trustworthy guy, the girl who you're going to end up with will be very happy indeed."

"I hope she will be."

"I'm sure she will. Good night."

"Good night."

Click

This was my last battle against life. I was tired, tired of all this fighting against all these hurdles that life has thrown at me. There's no way that I was going to live past this week. There's no way I was going to finally find happiness in this world. The few fleeting moments when it had felt so right between Yunho and I, those were to be the first, and the last it seems. With the state I was in, there was no way, no miracle that could ever bring me back to the happy bliss that had been felt just yesterday and earlier this morning.

It's odd, how accepting of death I was. How just perfectly easily I accepted the knowledge of my death. It was odd as well, how the scent of the flowers that Sungmin brought to me brought back the memories of old lauds that I remember studying in college. The scent of life mingled with the thought of death, how ironic that is.

There's rosemary, that's for remembrance,

Pray you, love, remember. And there is pansies, that's for thoughts.

There's fennel for you, and columbines.

There's rue for you, and here's some for me;

We may call it herb of grace o' Sundays. You must wear

your rue with a difference.

There's a daisy. I would give you some violets,

But they withered all when I died.

They say I made a good end.

The old song kept on singing in my head, over and over like a lullaby from disembodied voices. The mingled sanitary smell of the hospital and the fresh, lively smell from the large bouquet beside my bed somehow brought a strange sort of peace to the suffocating pressure of death that I had started to feel. The smell of happiness was gently being mixed into the scent of death.

And for some odd reason. I was able to accept this and sleep peacefully.

For I knew my final battle would be over soon.