Thirty-eight
"You left your phone at the dinner table." He says softly and she can just tell it's taking everything inside of him not to break down on the spot.
It's been what feels like like forever, but she doesn't want to meet his eyes, afraid that somehow it will make it real even though on some level she already knows it is. He suspected it, of course he did. He wasn't stupid.
"How long? How often?" And when he questions her, his voice cracks, his breathing falters and for some reason he only now moves from the doorway, closing the door behind him so no one will come in.
"Since back on tour...before our last break, pretty much every day." Mitchie mumbles rather pathetically, turns around but still doesn't meet his eyes. She wants to know exactly what's going through his head, wants to know why he's still here and hasn't run for the hills.
"Why Mitchie? This happened back when we were barely dating, when you were at school one day and you told me, you admitted to it when I had no idea at all." He sounds almost hysterical like he cannot comprehend it, as if she's playing one big practical joke on him.
"Because i've never felt more ashamed of myself. I've never hated myself more, i've let the pressure of Hollywood get to me and I just need to be in control of something." She says softly, kind of like if he doesn't hear it that it isn't true.
And Mitchie is going to say she's sorry, but really she has no grounds to because she was doing it to herself. Finally looking him in the eyes she can really see how upset and torn he looks, it makes her feel even more guilty, more ashamed.
"I thought we could tell each other everything, Mitchie. How am I supposed to try and help you if you won't even say anything?"
She shrugs her shoulders and begins to tear up, "I don't know Shane. I just want to make you happy, I just want to be perfect for you and perfect for everyone because i'm just this god damn role model now."
"You don't have to be perfect for me Mitch, you make me happy. I'm the happiest i've ever been."
The tears are now flooding and she cannot move from her spot, "I just don't deserve any of this. I just don't deserve you, or the fans, the fame. I'm just not good enough for any of it. I'm not this big Hollywood bombshell like the others." She weeps, trying to hold herself upright and not to collapse on the floor.
"You're beautiful." He's crying now, takes the few steps towards her and holds her face in his hands, "You're absolutely beautiful and I don't know how you can't see that, how you think otherwise." She feels him wipe a tear with his thumb and staring into his eyes, she really just wants to cry harder.
"Well now you've seen the parts of me that aren't so beautiful...I love you so much but I just don't think i'm good enough."
"You are good enough, you are more than good enough. I love you so much and I want to help you get better. You owe it to yourself."
He's just so supportive and wraps his arms around her tightly, allows her to bury her head into his chest and cry it out. She feels his tears on her head and he just keeps saying that it'll be okay.
It's half an hour later when they've both calmed down that they return downstairs where Shane's mum has dessert waiting for them, "We were about to send up a search party for you both." She jokes.
"Jason was about to eat your dessert as well as his." Hayley laughs.
Mitchie manages a small smile yet doesn't say anything, feels Shane's hand on her back a second later.
"Mitchie isn't feeling so well, so we're going to go home, get her to bed." Shane decides, grabs her handbag by her chair. She can see Caitlyn looks concerned but still doesn't say anything, just waves goodbye to everyone.
…
In the morning she wakes up to Shane watching her with an expression on his face meaning he's been thinking.
"Morning." She greets him meekly.
"Hey." He responds softly, brushes some hair off her face.
"Hey..."
"I've been thinking, you're South American tour starts in three weeks and I know you're only there for a week but I think you shouldn't go. I think you need to stay home and get some help."
When he says it, it just can't be taken back. It's out there and his words sting just a little even though Mitchie knows he wants what is best for her.
"I can't cancel. I can't let my fans down."
"Mitchie, you can't let yourself down."
"Shane, i've gone through this before, before I met you...I will be fine. I'm a professional, I can't just not go on tour. There are people who rely on me for a pay-check, fans who have bought tickets to see me."
"Think about it please." He whispers, doesn't get mad.
She tells him she will, but how could she cancel? Other than letting down her fans she would have to admit to the world that she had a problem, that she wasn't this role model that they all had built her up to be.
Honestly though, she appreciates that Shane is supporting her and she tells him she does, kisses his lips tenderly.
"I know you're going to have moments where you're...sick because you just can't stop completely right away. But when you do have these moments, I just want you to tell me okay? I won't judge at all, I just want to be able to support you."
She's rolled onto her other side now and really she is grateful, she really is but really doesn't know what to say. He told her once she was bent, not broken. But she was definitely broken, she would just love him like she never had been broken before.
And although she knows she should get up she grabs her phone and just types down some lyrics that come to mind, she's got a handful of songs already that she'd loved to put on her next album and for some reason the lyrics just flow, they just don't stop.
…
It's a few days later and Mitchie has called for a last minute recording session at the label to record the song she'd be working on. It was different, quite a different sound really and Mitchie was extremely excited for it.
It honestly felt like her last album had just come out but why not start on the next one as soon as possible if she could?
Afterwards, she meets up with Shane as well as Nate and Caitlyn for dinner. Kissing Shane on the cheek, they make their way into some over-hyped Japanese restaurant and are seated off in a fairly private area.
She wishes the menu in front of her doesn't make her want to immediately start crying, she just wants to grasp control somehow and Shane places a hand on her thigh under the table, rubs it reassuringly.
Noticing the way Caitlyn looks at Nate, she wonders if she looks that way when she looks at Shane. Can people easily see how much she loves him like how she can tell how much Caitlyn loves Nate.
Managing to get through half of her dinner, she refuses dessert and by the time they're home she knows Shane is doing his best to keep it together, trying to distract her from going to the bathroom.
"I'm sorry." She apologises and he just blinks back at her.
"What for?"
"Being how I am."
"You don't have to. I understand, or well i'm trying to."
"I just think you deserve someone better than me sometimes."
"Don't be stupid."
"I'm not stupid."
"Mitch, just drop it okay?"
"Why?" And just like that, they're bickering over nothing. She tells him to not to be an ego-centric male.
"Tommy is here, lower your voice." Shane tells her, ushers her into his bedroom.
"I'll talk as loudly as I want, i'm sure Tommy has heard it all before with your past girlfriends."
"Whoa, mood swings much? Where the hell did that come from?"
"I don't know. But I wonder now, how many of them have been in this bed before?"
And he shuts her up by kissing her, just really kissing her before getting her on the bed, "Only one. And that's you."
…
It's just over two weeks since Shane found out about her relapse, since he suggested she cancel her tour. And she just couldn't, not with such short notice.
Waking up she just feels ill and has to rush to the bathroom to vomit unintentionally. It must wake up Shane because a moment later he's at her side, holding her hair back.
"It's okay." He murmurs in her ear repeatedly, rubs her back soothingly.
And instantly it hits her, as if she'd driven into a brick wall with extreme force. She begins shaking her head, "No, Shane, no. It's not me, well it is me, but not like that." She rambles frantically.
"Mitch, it's okay. I understand."
"No, I didn't do it."
"Didn't make yourself sick?" He follows.
"No...i'm late."
And the way his whole face goes pale speaks volumes, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am...three days late." She does the maths in her head quickly as he hands her a cloth to wipe her face.
She's scared out of her mind, she's about to turn nineteen and really should have the world at her feet, not be pregnant with a boyfriend who is geographically unavailable, hell she was geographically unavailable.
"Mitchie, it could be a number of things. Not morning sickness." Shane says trying to be calm, although for some reason he doesn't sound too convinced by his own words.
"I cannot do this. I cannot be pregnant right now. We can't do this." She practically cries.
"Whatever happens, we'll deal with it. But we don't know anything for sure yet, let me ring Tommy, he's out for breakfast with Nate."
"Don't let him say anything to Nate. I just can't deal with people knowing."
He grabs his phone and quickly dials, "Tommy, I need a favour...I need you to go to a pharmacy on your way home, how long will you be with Nate?...This is just between you and me...I need you to get me a pregnancy test...okay, i'll see you in half an hour."
There's a million thoughts racing through her mind and they just can't seem to stop. By the time Shane has gotten through to her she is sitting out on the couch in the living room waiting for Tommy to come home.
Shane is nervously waiting in the kitchen, Mitchie can tell from the way he is fidgeting with everything.
She's in a state of disbelief by the time Tommy walks in the door and Shane can barely say a word to him, grabs the paper bag off him and lets out a heavy sigh.
"Thanks." Mitchie says, getting up, "I really appreciate it."
"Whatever happens you guys, it won't leave this room. I'm here to support you both no matter what happens."
By the time she has peed on the first stick and is waiting for the unholy little lines to show up, Shane is pacing back and forth in his bedroom anxiously. Setting it on the bathroom counter, she goes into the bedroom and sits on the edge of the bed.
"This is going to be the longest two minutes of our lives." She lets out and Shane kneels down in front of her, takes her hands in his.
"I love you. No matter what happens, I love you."
"I love you too." She says, strokes his cheek before pulling him up off the ground and onto the bed with her.
By the time one of them is brave enough to get up, Mitchie is practically ready to break down, ready to throw up just from the anxiousness of it all.
Shane comes back from the bathroom, that evil little stick in hand and looks up at her with this look on his face that just says it all.
Pregnant.
Oh yeah, things just got more complicated. ;)