I know, it's been ages. I have a paper due tomorrow and I spent all my energy on that. Okay, most of it. Then me and my Beta had a few misunderstanding and...yeah, weeks passed. Apologies, again.

The title is from Loser by Beck.

Enjoy this and wish that February arrives soon!

Chapter 38 – I'm Insane To Complain About A Shotgun Wedding

Parents, they define your life. They put in this world and after a while they just say 'You're old enough to do it by yourself' and so you do it. And you fail. Miserably most of the time.

Death is unexpected. When you are a child, you never expect your Mommy and Daddy to die. Then one day your father disappears from your life and your mother sorts of does the same thing, so you think you'll be prepared when they will actually die.

Fool.

It always hits in your guts, no matter how much hatred and crap had build up between the two of you.

Meredith was avoiding all that.

She could have a degree in avoidance at this point, she felt she was a better avoider than a surgeon some days, which explains a lot. She was a little rusty in the best techniques after spending so much time with sane people, but it all came back quickly.

She focused on her engagement as an avoiding technique, which was the biggest oxymoron ever conceived by her mind. But she basked in the good feelings for once. That and all the attention Derek was constantly giving her.

When she went to work two days after her official engagement and the death of her mother, she was politely smiling, wearing proof of Derek's love on her ring finger proudly.

Everybody -and with that I mean even the janitors- were looking at her like she had grown three heads or she was carrying quintuplets, or both.

"Mer" Cristina's worried voice reached her ear, before being pulled aside in a broom's closet.

"Good morning to you too" Meredith replied sarcastically.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm getting married" Meredith said excited, making Cristina's eyes widen.

"What!"

"Derek proposed" she explained, showing her the ring.

"He has the timing of a tsunami, man..." Cristina snickered, studying the ring "At least he has good taste"

"He was just...it wasn't out of the blue, c'mon, we share a life already, I'm carrying a human being branded with his DNA, I was expecting this!" Meredith retorted, one hand pointing down at her expanding stomach.

"And?"

"I feel good about it"

"Seriously?" Cristina was still incredulous

"Seriously" Meredith echoed, smiling in the process.

"Do I have to worry?"

"Not yet"

"What about your mother? Not to plunge the scalpel in the flesh, but..." Cristina frowned.

"I'm coping. I'll cope" Meredith corrected herself

"You're avoiding"

"Ergo, I'm coping" Meredith smirked

Cristina smiled unconvinced "Whatever, Mer"

"Look, I love Derek. I love the life I have with him. I love Eden. I love our baby. We'll be okay" she sighed

"I know. It's just..."

"Quick?"

"No. Yes. Maybe?"

"We just made things official between us"

"Don't use it as an excuse to keep your life busy and your head away from your mother, Meredith. It will end badly. Remember Burke?" she almost flinched only mentioning the fact that he had left her at the altar.

"Derek is no Burke, Cristina" Meredith said, almost offended "I love him, he's not him"

"I'm not saying he's like him, I'm just saying that maybe you should deal with your mother before dealing with shiny rings"

"I'll deal with her when the time to deal will come" she said, clearly avoiding the subject and Cristina decided to drop the whole issue, knowing that she was going against a wall of avoidance in any way she poked her.

"Okay" Cristina sighed "Any good surgeries?"

"I think Derek has a brain tumor scheduled, but I don't want to get my hopes up"

"Heart transplant" Cristina smirked "I so win today"

"Yep. But I'll enjoy the tumor immensely. It's like a week that I'm not allowed in the OR. I'm being mommy-tracked already" she sighed "Stuck in the skills lab, for a week"

"Poor you" Cristina grinned, patting her stomach "You're definitely getting fatter"

"Oh, shut up you bitch!" Meredith hit her and Cristina faked an unconvincing "Ouch!"

"This is how you'll treat your children, Mer?" Cristina grinned

"Nope, this treatment is reserved for my person" Meredith snickered back, mirroring Cristina's expression.

Cristina then sobered up "Look, I'm happy for you and Shepherd. Well, for you, I still dislike the guy and his ego a little, but I'll try to get over it, okay?"

"Thank you" Meredith smiled and almost felt like hugging Cristina, before realizing how awkward that looked.

"Do you want to be my bridesmaid?" Meredith whispered then, right when Izzie and Lexie entered in the room.

"Are you getting married?" Izzie squealed and both Meredith and Cristina were sure that people in Spokane had heard her.

"I am" Meredith sighed, happily, but slightly annoyed that she had found out like this. "Derek proposed two nights ago" she added.

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Izzie's expression was neutral, though, her previous yelp more out of surprise than actual excitement.

"I was going to tell you today, Iz, you just didn't give me the time" Meredith smirked "Since both of you are here, I wanted to ask you to be my bridesmaids"

"Wait, both of us?" Lexie was staring at her wide-eyed.

"Yeah, you're my sister" she replied simply and Lexie almost flung into her arms for a hug, then she retreated herself.

"Thank you" she limited herself to say."Have you set a date?"

"December 22nd, it's before Christmas so Derek's family can fly here for the wedding and spend Christmas here. I couldn't fly over there, so we'll just cram the two things together."

"Oh, it's gonna be a hell of a week. Literally, Mer" Cristina snickered, chuckling and Meredith glared at her.

When she turned to Izzie for a bit of support though, her friend was frowning.

"Isn't all this a bit too..."

"Shotgun?" Meredith filled in for her, smiling, because she knew people were bound to talk about this.

"No, I didn't mean..."

"You do mean that. I'd marry Derek today at City Hall, but his mother is nice, I like his sisters, he wants to wait"

"It can't be a church wedding" Izzie half-stated, half-complained about it.

"It will be in a church, not a consecrated one though. We'll have a minister, a short ceremony and a buffet in our new house. That's all."

"You planned everything already?" Izzie looked as if she wanted to hit Meredith, somehow, disbelief etched all over her face.

"I had a day off yesterday"

"You planned everything in a day? A single day?"

Before Meredith could understand what was going on, Izzie had stormed off the room shocked, leaving Meredith stunned in the locker room.

"I'm in for the bridesmaid thing if you don't make me wear pink. Or pinkish" Cristina cut the awkward silence and Meredith was finally pulled out of her staring at an empty doorway.

"What about lavender?" Meredith whispered

"I think I can deal with lavender"

"Okay"

"Okay" echoed Meredith

"I think it's a beautiful color" Lexie told timidly "For a wedding".

"Thanks Lexie"

Before any more awkwardness could pass in the room, the shriek of Meredith's pager saved the situation, making her rush into surgery.

It wasn't until the end of her shift that she was able to talk to Izzie.

She practically tackled her in the hall and Izzie grunted annoyed when she was pulled in an empty on-call room. Cristina's technique proved to be effective once again.

"What's wrong with my wedding?" Meredith asked immediately, she didn't want to spend a lot of time going around the subject, since her feet ached and she just wanted to lie down and rest at home, possibly with Derek giving her a foot rub.

"Your mother just died and you spent a whole day planning your wedding!" Izzie recoiled, almost yelling in her face.

"What should I do? Cry all my tears?"

"At least plan her funeral, not your wedding. It's selfish!"

"She had her funeral planned since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer!" Meredith shouted back.

"Show some respect for her death, for God's sake!" Izzie shook her head disapprovingly.

"Look, I took care of my mother for two years before coming to Seattle and sometimes I even had to feed her. Feed the freaking world-class surgeon Ellis Grey. I had mourned her death since I was five years old!"

"Meredith..."

"You don't know what it was like to be left alone at six years old. 'cause my nanny was a cheap one and often got out to buy herself alcohol and get drunk while I pretended to sleep. Sometimes I waited up for my mother to come home and she never showed up before midnight. Never. I mourned her death a long time ago." Meredith replied forcefully, this time around though the hormones had nothing to do with her anger.

"I'm sorry"

"You don't know because I never told you, but when I arrived in Seattle and I put her in Roseridge, she wasn't herself anymore. She recognized me a dozen of times since she got here. Maybe twenty. I lost count after a while"

"I'm sorry"

"Do you think it's nice to hear how much you ruined your mother's chance at happiness by merely existing? How many surgeries she lost during the months she was pregnant of you and she had to got to maternity leave? She left me to the cures of my dad when I was two weeks old. At three she was already in the OR, by the time I was a month and a half she did thirty-six hours shifts."

"Mer..."

"I can't even...I'm in love with this life I have with Derek and I don't care if you think it's shotgun. If you despise this wedding so much, just stay out of it!"

Meredith finally breathed heavily after her rant, her cheeks flushed and her eyes blazing. Her chest was heaving and her breaths were still irregular, more pants than anything else and Izzie was almost scared. She had heard Meredith fight once or twice with Derek, but being the counterpart was far worse than hearing it from the comfort of her own bed.

"I'm sorry" Izzie said in a small voice and Meredith's anger started to dissipate "You're right. About everything. I just...jumped to conclusions"

"That's why I wanted to tell you at home, not like that" Meredith sighed, finally a little calmer after her freeing rant.

"I would love to be your bridesmaid" Izzie admitted

"Good." Meredith sighed "I hope you like lavender" she lightened up things and they both finally managed matching smiles.

"I think it's perfect. I'm happy for you and Derek, Mer"

"I know"

"And I'm sorry about your mother. Everything you said about her"

"It's okay. I'll cry about it someday" she admitted, then she left the tiny room after another smile and a meaningful look that meant more than anything, leaving Izzie stunned and a little unable to move.

"Oh" Meredith's face peeked from the door with a childish smile after a few seconds "You know, I really could use your help about a few things, I'm a terrible wedding planner" Meredith grinned and Izzie couldn't help but laugh, not caring if the whole building heard her.

"I guess I'll help you. That's my duty as your bridesmaid, right?"

AN: At the end of the month this chapter will probably be replaced, since my Beta will fix what's wrong. So if you find weird things and typos, it's absolutely possible :D Point them out or not, but it will surely be helpful for me if you do.

Anyway, I hope you liked this, even if it was on the short side. I'll try to update soonish!