Chapter thirty eight : Backtracking

JPOV

April 28, Sunday

After her Prom I figured things would be calmer for her. And she would want to talk about the dance with me. I decided if she would call, I would give in and ask her to come over. But she didn't call. And all the depressing thoughts of the last four days were drumming in my head, it had only been four days, but I was sick with loneliness.

So I picked up the phone and did something stupid. Old habits are hard to break.

"Hello Jacob."

"Hello Leah."

"What's up?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to hear your voice again. Talk to me. I don't care about what."

She's the only one that can put my weary mind at rest. She used to do it with her body, maybe her voice would be enough now. I had low hopes though.

"Are you okay?"

"Not really. I miss you…"

"I've only been gone for a week, and we didn't exactly have so much contact before, so don't be offended, but I don't believe you."

"I missed you then too. It's harder now, knowing you're so far away. I find myself thinking more and more about you, instead of less."

"Why are you doing this, Jacob? For almost ten years we slept together without all this emotional crap, and now that I choose to stay away, you want to keep me near so bad."

"I want to keep you near because I love you, and that is the exact reason you chose to stay away, so you can hardly call that a coincidence."

"We agreed never to say that again."

"It doesn't matter anymore now."

"It matters to me. It hurts me..."

"Because you still love me too? Or because you feel sorry for me?"

There was silence for a few minutes. I didn't want to hurt her. I shouldn't have called her, but I couldn't let go now.

"I thought about leaving her Leah, starting over like you did."

"You won't be able to stay away."

"I could try."

"See, you can't say things like that to me. You never wanted to leave her for me..."

"You never asked. And you wouldn't have taken the chance if I had."

"Probably not."

"I wonder what he has got that I don't have, for you to take the chance with him. You can never be sure it will last forever."

"Don't be like that."

"I'm not being like that. I just need to know. Promises are never binding. Why him?"

" There is less at stake with him."

"What do you mean?"

"If this doesn't work out, I will live. With you… you have the power to destroy me."

…

"What's he like? Do you feel the same way you did when it was me?"

"How do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. Does he make you scream the way I did?" I had no right asking her questions like that. But I obviously liked hurting myself.

"What do you want me to say Jacob? That you were the best I ever had and I'll never have anyone else ever again?"

"Yes. That would be nice."

"Ung, you are impossible! And so not fair. Let me tell you something. Alec loves me and he tells me everyday. He makes me feel like the most fucking precious thing on the planet. He promises to love me for all eternity. Screaming is not on the top of my priority list anymore. But if you're so interested in comparing, ask me again in nine years when it's a fair game."

She had a point. Several actually.

"Maybe I'll love you for all eternity too."

"Maybe. But we both know I'll never be your most precious thing."

"The question is, do you love him?"

"I might."

…

"You have to let me go." She whispered.

"I can't."

Nothing hurts like the truth. I was really pathetic, I knew that, but I couldn't help myself. I started crying. I wanted her to be happy, I never expected it to hurt so much. Ness was with someone else too, but with Ness I held on to the imprint with all my might, trying to trust it will all work out. With Leah I knew I had lost her forever, her and the life that we could have had. And it hurt even more knowing that she really wanted to be with me. Tears streamed over my face and I tried not to make sounds as the sobs shook me.

"Oh Jacob…"

"It's alright. Gotta go now." I managed between sobs.

"I'm coming over."

"What? Don't be ridiculous. It's a four hour drive. I'm fine. I'm sorry."

"I'll phase. Be there in two. Better be home."

Click.

I didn't know whether to be totally ashamed of myself or excited that I would see her again. She still cared about me.

Maybe she's only coming over to kick the shit out of me after that selfish show. I felt like a mean bitch, trying the get my way by crying. But I hadn't faked it. I would have stopped it if I could. I was pathetic enough as it was. And now she was coming over, to comfort me? Leah is not that girl.

The hold-you-when-you-cry girl.

Once the tears had started, they were hard to stop. I cried for different reasons, and let it all out. Once the sobbing subsided, I took a shower. I also cleaned my apartment a bit, removing the evidence of Ness her stay over. Letting her stuff lay around was pathetic too. For instance the blanket in the couch that she had slept in for five nights and that still held her smell.

As the minutes passed, I wasn't sure anymore if I was actually ready to see Leah, I would only picture her in his arms, her soft hands in his blond hair, pulling him closer during passionate nights. I had to distract myself, fresh tears were starting to pool in my eyes.

When she finally arrived, she didn't hesitate. Our lips locked and I forgot all else.

We made desperate love, right there in the hallway, against the wall. If this was comforting-Leah, then she was doing a damn good job. I kissed her wherever I could and I kept whispering "I love you". At first she said "don't" but I answered that I had to and she let me. It had been over six weeks so I didn't last long. But we took it to the bedroom for several more rounds. Somewhere along the way she sighed "He's tender alright, but it takes a wolf to handle a wolf" and I was triumphant.

It was getting dark when she finally said "I have to be heading home". I winced at the word home. It had been the worst word for me this week.

"I'm sorry, Jacob, I don't want to hurt you, but you keep hurting yourself."

"Will you come back?"

"I don't think that's a good idea, I have to give this relationship an honest shot."

"Maybe the chances are higher if he has a wolf's help at satisfying you."

"That's bullshit."

"I know. But what's the point in holding back now, when it's clear that we both want it?"

"Moral reasons maybe?"

"Fuck moral." My self respect was below zero, and I still couldn't let her go. Maybe I never will.

She sighed.

"The day I realize I love him, I won't be back." I'll take whatever I can take until then.

"Okay. The day Ness realizes she loves me, I won't be back either."

"Okay."

I gave one last long kiss before she left the bedroom. I didn't watch her leave.

I noticed on my cell I had four missed calls. From Ness. I quickly pressed redial.

"Hey Jake!"

"Hey Ness. I'm sorry I didn't pick up earlier, I was busy." I tried to sound nonchalant, but if she would ask, I wouldn't lie.

"Had company?" There you go.

"Yes."

"Leah?"

"Yes."

"I thought she moved in with her boyfriend in Seattle?"

"She has. Please don't judge me Ness."

"You know I won't. Just be careful Jake, I don't want you to get hurt."

Way too late for that.

"So how was prom?"

"You know, prom-like."