Within Temptation©
Chapter Thirty-eight: Holly
By Genevieve Lee

--

"…sometimes your place is not something you find, but something you have when you need it."

-Libba Bray

--

Audrey.
Seven Months Later.
December 25th.

"Would you please," I gasped, "get the largest pot that you can find from the kitchen?"

"Why ever would I do that? What use would it be now?" Jacqueline asked, looking extremely worried.

"I want you to knock me unconscious until you can get this beast out of me!"

But Jacqueline's response, no doubt a firm negative, was lost to me when there seemed to be a red tint over everything and I gasped as a flash of pain ripped through my midsection. My hand gripped harder onto the pillow I had been given and I heard a tear, watching as the feathers from the down began falling slowly around me.

"Get...this…thing…out…of…me!" I yelled in-between pants of breath, grinding my teeth together in an effort to control the screams that wanted to escape from me. A particularly load groan issued though, and my head lolled backwards. In response to this, there was a very loud knock on the door across the room, and muffled yelling accompanying it.

Jacqueline looked between me and the door, half angling herself towards it and looking to me to see my reaction.

"Don't you dare let him in, Jackie!" I shrieked. "It's Erik's entire bloody fault this is happening to me, the bastard! I will never, for the rest of my life, allow him to touch me again and—"

Another contraction tore through me, and my head fell into my chest; the hair that had been stuck to my sweaty forehead drooped away from me. All rational thoughts fled.

"Come on, Mrs. Destler. Only a few more pushes and you will have your child. Use this contraction to push as hard as you can!" the doctor at my bedside said to me.

"I am already pushing as hard as I can, you fool!" I barked as soon as the contraction had passed. I breathed heavily, wishing more than anything that this terrible labor I had been in for ten hours would just be done. What a dreadful way to spend Christmas!

The doctor chose to ignore my biting comment and he focused instead on more important matters, telling me that the next time I had a contraction I needed to push just a little more, and my baby would be born.

"This can all be over if you work very hard on the next one," he informed me, looking as exhausted as I felt.

I nodded, and opened my mouth to eagerly accept the water that Jacqueline offered me. After greedily swallowing the cupful, I felt the comings of my next contraction, and I steeled myself, focusing on what needed to be done. I remembered pushing one last time, and then relief.

Relief, but not quiet, because soon an earsplitting cry echoed through the room as the doctor took my baby in his arms, cut the umbilical cord, and ran to the other side of the room to the basin of water, towels, and clothing that awaited. I sagged into the pillows in utter fatigue and closed my eyes, wanting nothing more than to sleep. But I awaited for the news of my child first.

The loud knocking returned, and Jackie looked at me, asking permission with her expression to let my husband, who had promptly been locked out as soon as the labor started, into the room before he broke down the door.

I scowled, waving my hand slightly before saying, "Let him in before he does unnecessary damage to himself."

Shaking her head as she did so, my sister quietly treaded to the other side of the room, unlocking the door and standing aside. A good thing she did too, because a split moment later, the door swung open, hitting the opposite wall with a loud thud that shook the entire room.

I glowered at Erik as he looked wildly around the room until his eyes finally rested on me. "Really, Erik," I abashed, but he crossed the room in only a moment and took up my hand in his own, placing a kiss there.

"How are you?" he asked with such concern that it melted my previous, and irrational, anger away almost instantly. After such an ordeal, I was happy to have him next to me.

"Exhausted," I said, and at that moment, the doctor came to us, a squirmy bundle in his arms. I sat up instantly, reaching my hands out to accept the child.

"It is a girl," he said, bending down to hand her to me.

A wide grin broke across my face, so large that it felt as if my face was going to split into two. I glanced at Erik as I cradled the child to my breast before saying, "I told you it was going to be a girl!"

Erik, who had been absolutely positive that he had a son on the way, leaned forward to look at his new daughter and I did as well, pulling back the blanket that covered her head.

Though red and scrunched, she was beautiful. Both sides of her face were perfectly smooth and I saw Erik run his finger across her soft cheeks in disbelieving relief.

"You see?" I said as I did the same. "I was right about this, too."

Erik had been enormously terrified that any child sired by him would have his abnormal face, but I had had a deep feeling that any child we created together would be perfect.

He nodded mutely as we continued studying our dark-haired daughter. I cooed to her until she opened her eyes, smiling to see that they were the same blue mine were.

Erik, knowing what I was smiling about, said, "Babies eyes often change colors, you know."

"Some babies do," I argued playfully, "but ours will not. Those are my eyes if I ever saw them. Besides," I continued, "if she has your hair, it is only fair that she has my eyes."

I could have sworn that she nodded her head in agreement.

--

I woke several hours later, curled up at Erik's side, who was dozing lightly. I yawned, stretching slightly as I did so. I felt absolutely horrid, and so I got out of bed, careful not to wake my husband. I tiptoed across the room, peeking into the cradle where my daughter slept as well. We had yet to name her, because although Erik, Jacqueline and I had volleyed names back and forth for almost an hour, nothing seemed right. We had decided to try again tomorrow when Nadir, Carmen and her husband, whom we had nicknamed Monty, Jacqueline, George, and Rachel, would all be coming to see the newest addition to our family. My parents were currently away on a trip, and had left Rachel in Jacqueline's care, and so they would have to see their first grandchild another time.

After I was sure I could sneak away, I did so to bathe and dress in a clean gown. It felt nice to be able to wear a corset again. Although my figure was a far cry from what it had been before my pregnancy, it sure looked better than it had two days ago.

By the time I emerged from bathroom Erik was awake and dressed. I came in quietly so he did not hear me, and I watched him stare into the cradle for a long moment before reaching a hand down to gently stroke her cheek. By the way he handled her you'd think he was afraid of breaking her.

"You won't hurt her," I said, leaning against the doorway tiredly. I was still sore and a bit weary from everything that had happened yesterday.

Erik turned slowly to face me, not looking at all surprised by my sudden appearance. He gave a small smile and said, "I know, but she is just so small."

I nodded in agreement, but I was suddenly wishing that we weren't having so much company over. I wanted nothing but to curl in bed with Erik and our daughter and sleep the day away. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I did not notice Erik's approach, but only did so when he swept me into his arms and carried me to the bed gently. I did not argue. I was too tired.

"You seem like you are still recovering," he said once he had laid me down on the bed and lay next to me. I rolled over, curling up at his side and sighing when he wrapped his arms around me.

"Perhaps a small nap," a yawn, "wouldn't be too terrible. They aren't expected for a few more hours anyways."

Erik agreed and I closed my eyes, feeling my breathing immediately slow. I could tell I would have been asleep within the next two minutes, but my daughter's hungry wail broke through our silent relaxation, and both my husband and I opened our eyes and looked at each other in surprise.

I gave a small grin, saying, "She refuses to be ignored."

"Then she really is your daughter."

Erik managed to dodge the pillow I threw at him as I got up.

--

Luckily for me, and everyone else, I think, I was able to nap before everyone showed up. Erik was downstairs, arranging them in the drawing room while I was readying our daughter for her unveiling to her new family. After I had dressed her, I sat her on my lap and sighed, stroking her soft head of hair very slowly.

"I apologize now for any cheek-pinching that may occur from your aunts, or possibly Nadir." I smiled. "But these people will love you forever, little one." I paused, considering. "And perhaps one of them will come up with a suitable name for you. I cannot call you 'baby' forever."

She gargled in reply, and deciding we were both ready, I scooped her into my arms and made my way downstairs where I could hear the excited voices of my friends and family in the drawing room.

As predicted, the first couple of minutes were filled with a lot of squealing and exclamations of how much she looked like Erik and I. She was then passed around so that each person could hold her for a moment, but after ten minutes, I demanded to have her back, to which Erik smiled before I handed her over to him. He accepted her graciously.

"Do you have any names narrowed down?" Jacqueline asked once everyone was seated.

I shook my head slowly. "No. We've tried all the traditional names but none of them seem to fit, exactly. But I don't want her to be nameless forever."

"What about Abigail?" Rachel suggested.

I winced. "That was the name of my old friend at Woldingham."

"Oh, yes. I'd forgotten about that."

"How about Hester?"

"Too masculine."

"Phoebe?"

"Too ugly."

"Ann?"

"Too common."

"Lila?"

"Victoria?"

"Emma?"

"Martha?"

"No," I replied, shaking my head at all of them. "None of those names will do."

Everyone lapsed into thoughtful silence before Jacqueline said, "What about Christine? That's a perfectly lovely name."

Neither Erik nor I replied at first, but finally Erik said, "I really don't think—"

"Christine is the name for common street whores," I said with a sniff, while everyone looked at me in astonishment. Although I had told Jacqueline everything that had happened, I had not discussed the name with her, as it seemed a pointless detail. The only people in the room who understood my dislike for the name was Erik, Nadir, and Carmen.

Although I suppose I was not being fair. That night had not been the last time I had seen or spoken to Christine, and I remembered the day we came face to face with one another again all too well.

--

I leaned forward, trying to keep the savage-like expression from appearing on my face; it would possibly give me away.

"I am simply asking one simple little favor, Carmen," I said with my voice dripping sweetness.

She glared at me over the rim of her china teacup before taking a sip. "Just a favor, Audrey? Then why do you have the look of someone who is out for blood?"

"I am not out for blood," I insisted, hoping she didn't look too deeply into my eyes. "I just want you to invite some guests over for dinner, and invite me on the same evening."

"Well," she said reluctantly, and sounding a little more clam, "that doesn't sound too bad. Who are they?"

"The de Chagnys," I said. "You know, the Victome and Victomess?"

She gave a light nod. "Yes, I do remember reading about them being in London in the society pages. But," she asked, leaning towards me, "why ever do you want to speak with them about?"

"Well," I began slowly, choosing my words carefully, "let us just say the Victomess—I'm terribly sorry, I mean Christine—and I need to have a few words together."

My emphasis on the name did it, and she understood everything immediately. She pushed her teacup away from her and stared at me evenly for a few moments before saying, "Are you saying that Christine de Chagny, Victomess, is the one who Erik…?" She trailed off and I nodded, understanding her meaning. "Are you sure?" she whispered.

I gave another vicious nod. "I am utterly positive," I said, but I did not confide to her how I knew; that after Erik was no longer sick and we returned home, he had explained to me the entire story of how he and Christine were connected. I would not have settled for anything less.

"You were the Opera Ghost?" I had practically squeaked out. "The Phantom of the Opera?"

He had given a slow nod, unable to meet my eyes. I furrowed my brow slightly, studying him as what I knew I needed to do flooded into my system.

"The Phantom of the Opera? Really?"

He managed to look up then, meeting my eyes with his own anguished ones. I could tell he thought this was going to push me away from him, possibly forever, and I hesitated before I spoke next, saying, "Don't you think that's a bit overdramatic?" And then I smiled, letting him know he was forgiven.

"Well," Carmen began, reminding me that she was there, and I shook my head to rid myself of my thoughts, "what good will come out of talking to her?"

"I can't explain it," I said, "but I feel I just need to speak with her." Seeing the look Carmen was giving me, I amended with, "You know, when our husbands aren't around trying to kill each other."

She shook her head. "I still don't see what good this will do."

"But will you do it for me, Carmen? They will come if you invite them. It's their social obligation."

She sighed, but finally said, "Fine. I will do it."

And, as promised, Carmen informed me they would be calling on them the following Sunday for a tea and a dinner, of which I was invited to.

I had discussed a small plan of attack with Carmen. I would show up a half an hour after they did, at which time Carmen's husband would be with the Victome doing a gentlemen's activity, leaving me free to speak with Christine alone.

As planned, I arrived promptly at the expected time. The butler led me to one of the many drawing rooms, where I could hear muted female voices behind it. After opening the door and announcing me, I brushed into the room as if I met my husband's adulteress every day of the week. I greeted Carmen cordially, giving her a kiss on the cheek before I finally turned to face Christine and be introduced. I could tell Carmen was slightly nervous, but it was nothing compared to the expression on Christine's face when she recognized me.

"Madame Victomess, may I introduce to you Mrs. Erik Destler, a very dear friend of mine. I hope she will keep you entertained while I go have a word with our cook about dinner tonight. If you will excuse me," Carmen said before leaving the room, only throwing one worried glance over her shoulder on her way out.

Well, I thought silently to myself, at least she didn't waste any time leaving us alone.

I laid my hand on my protruding belly, thinking it was really too bad I was pregnant, as it limited what I could do to this girl significantly.

"Mrs. Destler—"

"Call me Audrey, please," I said with a sickly-sugary smile. "I do believe we are past formalities now."

"Mrs. Destler, I—"

"Audrey," I corrected, not wanting to hear Erik's name on her tongue.

Looking uncomfortable, she looked down at the powder pink dress she was wearing, one that was the top of fashion right now and one I would have envied only a few months ago.

"Audrey," she began hesitantly, refusing to meet my eye, "perhaps we should discuss—"

I had planned on being cordial about this, or at least, as cordial as I could get, but unbidden, the words "how you cheated on your husband with mine?" came out of my mouth.

It hung in the air for a moment before she said, "Yes, I suppose so."

I narrowed my eyes at her, saying, "Was it a game to you, Victomess? Breaking my husband's heart, leaving him to die, and—oh, yes, he told me everything," I said, catching the shock on her face as I discussed their past, "and then coming back just to play with him a bit more? Perhaps you could make him just a bit more miserable before riding off into the sunset with—"

"It wasn't like that!" she spoke out with her small fists clenched. "I had no idea he was married! I didn't even know his last name before all of this! It took me a year to find him," she continued, "and I did not know you even existed. If I had, I would have turned right back around and left him! Don't you understand? I just wish for his happiness," she finished tiredly, and I looked at her in surprise.

Hmm. Well I had not expected that. But at the same time, I knew she was telling the truth.

"And I want to say I am so very sorry," she continued when my silence did not end. "I had no intention of breaking up a marriage—yours or mine." She then looked down sheepishly before saying, "Is everything alright between you two?"

I found myself sitting back down, as I had stood during our heated, though short, debate. I could not look at her though, and I settled on looking at the plate of biscuits in front of us, noting how delicious they looked.

Without thinking, I laid my hand on my stomach and said, "Yes, yes we are fine."

The gesture did not go unnoticed, and I saw her eyes wander to my noticeably round abdomen that was swelling with child, but she chose not to say anything.

"Raoul simply thinks that Erik bewitched me and is choosing to believe that I had no free will in all of this," she said quietly and I looked at her in astonishment.

Though it made me angry to think of my husband accused of such a thing, I knew it may be for the best.

"I plan on telling him the truth soon," she continued. "It's just that—"

"Don't," I said suddenly. Seeing her startled look, I hastened to explain myself. "It is not worth it. If you truly believe you can put this behind you, then let it be." I blinked, looking at the girl in front of me. Christine had tears pooling in her eyes and she looked utterly miserable, but most of all, remorseful. "And I believe you," I found myself saying softly, as if I was speaking only to myself.

"W-what?" she sniffed, looking at me questioningly.

"It's alright," I said, finally letting my eyes find her's. I straightened my shoulders, finding confidence in my voice as I continued speaking. "I can see now you are truly regretful of your actions and I believe now that you knew nothing of my existence in Erik's life."

"What are you saying?" she said quietly, meekly, as she tried to restrain the hope from coming into her eyes. But it was there, all the same.

"I am saying," I began, even going as far to reach my hand out to pat her's carefully, but it was more of a pat you'd give an acquaintance's daughter when you had to show false affection, "that I believe you and more importantly, I forgive you."

Christine looked at me for a moment, as if trying to determine if what I had said was true, and upon finding no deceit, she gave a tentative smile. "Truly?" she questioned.

"Yes," I said, nodding. I then stood, grabbing my gloves and my small handbag off of the table in front of me, but not before I did the very brass thing of putting a biscuit into it to eat in the carriage. I turned to face her, as she had stood when she saw of my intention of leaving, and I held out my hand for a gentleman's handshake. It was the only thing I could bear.

"I am glad we sorted this all out," I said straightforwardly, reaching to grab her hand in my own. I pumped it up and down once, twice, before letting it go.

"I am too," she said, and she seemed in this, honest. "I felt truly awful."

I gave a light nod, not sure of what else to do. I finally turned to leave, but I stopped just before opening the door.

"Oh, Christine?" I called with a slight smirk on my face.

"Yes?" she asked tentatively.

"Don't ever come near my husband again," I instructed, and without another word, I swept out the door, not looking behind me, and not seeking out Carmen before I headed home.

--

The afternoon ended with everyone leaving to go home, save for Nadir who left to call upon the woman he met while away, Dana, who he had been seeing quite regularly. I was happy for the quiet of our home again, but the only disappointing attribute was that my daughter still had no name.

"We'll just have to call you 'baby' forever, won't we?" I said miserably as I set her on the bed next to me and handed her a small doll to play with.

Erik sat next to me and sighed, stroking my hair while I leaned into his shoulder, our daughter between us. "We will think of something," he said. "I know you want it to be perfect."

A knock sounded on the door and Erik got up and opened it, letting our maid in. She held our dinner trays in her hands, as we had requested to have dinner in bed tonight. I was positively weary. After taking the trays and thanking her, she left us alone. Erik walked over to me, setting my tray in front of me and sitting beside me.

"Take it off," I said suddenly without looking at him, but I heard him sigh.

"Audrey—"

"Oh, Erik. Stop being ridiculous! You cannot possibly eat properly with that thing on! Aren't you assured of my staying by now?"

It was silent for a moment, but from the corner of my eyes I saw him remove his mask and set it gently on the nightstand, looking extremely uncomfortable. For months I had been trying to break him of wearing his mask when it was just him and I in private, and although it was getting better, it was not yet completely relaxed or natural. But I was patient. I knew that it would take time.

Satisfied by the removal, I turned my attention to my dinner plate which was artfully arranged. There was even a small vase with a rose in it. Thinking that perhaps she had gone a bit overboard, I began removing the decorative and inedible things off of my plate, but I paused when I held a sprig of holly in-between my fingers.

"Holly," I said softly as I brought it closer to my face for inspection.

"Pardon?" Erik asked, looking at me with confusion.

"Holly!" I repeated gleefully. "That's it!"

"Yes, darling, that is holly—"

"No, Erik," I began excitedly, turning to him so abruptly that my dinner tray would have tumbled to the floor if it had not been for Erik steadying it lightening quick. "That is her name! Holly! She was born on Christmas, after all!"

We both looked down at our daughter who was beginning to fall asleep. I was bouncing up and down excitedly and I looked to see what Erik thought of my idea.

Erik smiled slowly, reaching down to extract the doll from her tiny sleeping arms. He then bent down and kissed her forehead and said, "Sleep well, my darling Holly."

And Holly she remained.

--

Later that night we lay in bed, attempting to sleep ourselves. Outside, snow had begun to fall, silencing all with its white blanket, making everything seem peaceful and faultless. But I was not fooled; I knew the peace could not last forever. There would be something to disrupt it, to change it, to make it harder to continue.

Long after Erik and Holly were both sleeping, I still lay awake, thinking. I finally got up from bed and stood by the window, staring happily at the snow that was falling on the ground like a calming hand. The snow could not fall forever, of course, but I willed it to continue for the moment. It was then I understood that happiness did not mean perfect, but it just meant that perhaps sometimes you would have to work a little harder, perhaps compromise a few times, for things to be at ease.

And finally, when I was tired enough, I returned to bed and fall asleep.

--

Genny's Note: I realize it's been over a month since I've updated, and I apologize. But as most writers know, it is the end, not the beginning, that is the most difficult to write. I wanted to do it correctly, and unfortunately in order for that to happen, it took many hours of frustration, countless rough drafts, and, apparently, a month of contemplation. But I finally did it. There will be an epilogue after this, one of which is already written (and was written before this chapter was, quite honestly) that I will post in exactly a week. Again, I apologize for the wait but I wanted to get it right. I think I finally did.

Also, I am aware that the dates on this chapter do not correspond of what I put down before. Rest assured I have edited them specifically so that Holly could be born on Christmas. Cheers!

And a note to an anonymous reviewer of mine, lizmchayhay: It's alright that you do not like my story, as we all deserve an opinion. But if you are going to leave such a long review, I would appreciate knowing what makes my story so distasteful to you. I'd love some critique on what made it awful so I can see the reasons for your dislike. All you did was leave me a flame, and therefore, I am unable to fix the things that you think are making the story go "downhill." If there are places you think I can improve on, you are probably right, but I cannot grow as a writer if you simply leave me hate mail. So I'd appreciate constructive criticism instead of a merely passing of "your story sucks."

Warmest Regards,
Genny