There's not a single night I don't dream of him leaving me or Pastor Reed raping me. Sometimes I dream of just one of them… sometimes I dream of both situation. I've been sleeping very poorly, lately.
But guess that's what I deserve for sleeping with my husband's brother.
In the following days I keep myself busy with work. I work with artists on their new records, I even do the paperwork which I hate. We've signed a lot of new artists before Christmas as well as some soundtracks for a few upcoming series as well as a few scores. One of the contracts include Timbaland with whom I will work again, now under my own label, for a new show called Empire, which will air in the new year. The soundtrack for the show will have heavy beats, driven by R'n'B sound and Rap. It's going to be something new for my record label. I am excited for Unfaithful records to starts this. Who knows, maybe if the show will be a hit.
Nowadays I'd do anything to keep me distracted. Anything to keep him off my mind for a second or two. He's tearing me apart, punishing me in ways I never thought he would. If he would just call me back!
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
I sigh before writing down the lyrics, adding a heavy beat to the piano music. I might as well make the best out of my situation and produce another hit-single. It's the least I can do.
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
I feel the music echoing in my bones. I work best when I am heartbroken and alone with a piano. That way I produced my best songs…
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
I feel a shiver going down my spine as my teeth bite on the pencil in my mouth. This is going to be good. I can feel it. Heartache is good for music.
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
"Gabriella, this is the best Christmas party ever!" I hear Thomas saying to me, smiling. Christmas songs are coming from the speakers. But not in the original versions. We recorded Jazz versions, versions with pianos and versions with guitars. There are even versions with a gospel choir. It took us two whole weeks to record those songs, but it was worth it. We gave the songs our own twists. And they turned out absolutely lovely.
Everyone is chatting, having a good time. The menu was truly amazing. We had vegetarian options for every single meal. About half my staff is vegetarians.
I return his smile. "Thanks." Freya, our party planner, has done a fantastic job. For my fifty employees she has found the perfect location. The Ritz is glamorous, yet modern. It's perfect for my label.
I push myself through the crowd, carefully. I don't want to bump against anyone. I also don't want anyone to step on my dress. My eyes scan for my business partner. She's laughing her heart out, standing in front of the fireplace with Ryan.
I smile as I make my way over to them. I might have not approved their relationship from the start, but they do make a cute couple.
"Hey, you seem to have a good time." I say smiling as I reach my family members.
"We are." Kelsi agrees, returning my smile.
"What about you?" Ryan asks me.
I fake a smile, "I'm busy with checking on everyone…"
"Enjoy this Christmas party. It's your first." he says with a shrug.
"With hopefully many to follow." Kelsi agrees.
I nod, "I hope so, too. Have you seen Freya? I'd like to thank her."
Kelsi's bright blue orbs start scanning the room. A smile forms on her lips as her eyes stop, "I don't think you'll be able to get your hands on her tonight. She's been chatting with Javier the whole night."
My eyes follow her glance. The black haired woman is laughing at one of Javier's jokes. Being the charming Spanish man he is, he has her wrapped right around his finger. "I'm glad she's having a good time as well."
"Everyone is having a great time, Gabriella." Ryan points out. "Everyone, but you."
I look him into his light blue orbs. How can I have a good time when he's not here with me? "I'm trying very hard to fake it. It's the least I can do."
He nods and drops the topic as he doesn't want me to start sobbing again. "I didn't want to upset you."
I shrug, "I've dug my own grave." It was my mistake.
"Still, he shouldn't make you suffer this much."
"I've hurt him in the worst way possible." I mumble. And now I am losing him.
Don't bury me
Don't let me down
Don't say it's over
Cause that would send me under
Underneath the ground
Don't say those words
I wanna live and your words can murder
Only you can send me under, under, under
I die every time you walk away
Don't leave me alone with me
See, I'm afraid
Of the darkness and my demons
And the voices, sayin' nothing's gonna be okay,
I feel it in my heart, soul, mind that I'm losing
You, me, you're abusing
Every reason I have left to live.
I stop playing at the piano to write down the words. Week twenty nine of my pregnancy makes me feel sad... My heart is aching. A lot. I miss him so badly.
Lost trust, 21 grams of soul
All the sanity I've ever owned... gone
But I'm still breathing
Through the thunder, and the fire, and the madness
Just to let you shoot me down again
But I'm still breathing
I feel it in my veins, skin, bones that I'm losing
You, me, you're confusing
Every reason that I've left to live
Don't bury me
Don't let me down
Don't say it's over
'Cause that would send me under
Underneath the ground
Don't say those words
I wanna live but your words can murder
Only you can send me under, under, under.
"Pretty fucked up words." I hear a voice saying, causing me to turn around. Lucas is leaning in the doorframe, wearing a simple dark jeans with a white oxford shirt. His lips form a sad smile.
I shrug, "I'm feeling fucked up lately..." I mumble before I continue playing.
Chasing you but you don't look back
Words I threw that I can't take back
Reaching out but I can't hold on to you, no
Chasing you but you don't look back
Words I threw that I can't take back
Reaching out but I can't hold on to you
Don't bury me
Don't let me down
Don't say it's over
Cause that would send me under
Underneath the ground
Don't say those words
I wanna live but your words can murder
Only you can send me under, under, under.
Oh, only you can send me under, yeah.
Under.
I continue writing down the words on the paper. I hear Lucas sighing before his footsteps are making it's way over to me. He sits down next to me as I continue playing the melody.
"You forgot, didn't you?" he asks me.
I frown at him. Apparently, I really did forget something. "Do we have a meeting or something?"
He smiles at me, "It's Christmas Eve, Gabriella."
Shit. I completely forgot that. And I haven't even prepared anything yet! "How angry are they?"
He shakes his head, "I told them you'd be as late as me. I figured, you'll forget so I wanted to pick you up. I gave Miley a key to your house let them inside, though, so they could… you know, start opening the wine bottles."
I smile at him, "You're a good friend. You'll be a great uncle."
He grins, "Of course I will. I was born for that." he says with such confidence, that I believe him immediately.
I slice the gherkin, feeling my mouth already filling up with water. I am nearly done with the main course. Lucas is helping me with the side dishes. Kelsi was a big help with the dessert, which are now cooling in the fridge until I have to flame them up later. Crème brûlée. It might not be as good as Troy's, but I think it's pretty close… Soft jazz music is coming out of the speakers, filling the kitchen in a comfy, homely atmosphere. It's calming my nerves. I still haven't heard from Troy. I have no idea if I will see him on Christmas Eve or not.
I still don't know where the heck he is.
"Guys, we're starving!" I hear Miley yelling from the living area. After two bottles of wine, Kelsi and Ryan and giggling about anything now, which on the other side is very entertaining for Miley.
"Just gives us another second!" Lucas yells back, grinning as she protests with a growl.
I return his giggle as I put the sliced vegetables into a bowl to make a salad. "So, when will you ask her?"
"Ask her what?" He asks me back, all innocently.
I roll my eyes. "You know what I mean, Luc." I say as Miley walks into the kitchen.
Lucas shrugs at me, his bright green eyes shining. He already has a day in mind.
"What are you guys talking about?" she asks, eating a sliced gherkin.
"Baby names." Lucas says quickly before I pour the dressing over the salad.
My blonde best friend raises her eyebrow, "Baby names? Any options yet?"
"She likes Barbara." Lucas says grinning.
My chin falls down. Seconds later I hit him, "I do not!" I protest.
Miley nods before she picks up the bowl with the salad and walks back into the living area again.
"Barbara?! Seriously?!" I hiss at Luc.
He shrugs, "It was the first name which came to my mind..."
I shake my head, "I will not name my child Barbara."
"Speaking of names… Got any names picked out yet?"
I shake my head, "I don't want to speed things up. I have about three months until I have to name her."
"Well, we now know it's not going to be Barbara." he jokes.
I shake my head, giggling. My giggle stops abruptly as I feel kicks. Very strong kicks against my rips. She's missing her father. As much as I am.
"What's wrong?" Lucas asks me worried.
A soft smile forms on my lips as I shake my head, "Your niece is kicking..." It's an amazing feeling.
"Where?" He asks me, his emerald colored orbs shining.
I get his hand and place it on my 29 weeks pregnant belly, right where she is kicking.
"Wow..." He says amazed, grinning like crazy. "That's-"
A loud bang stops him from talking. We both turn our head around, looking into the direction of the noise. We don't expect any other guest. No one is welcomed. Beside...
My smile drops as I see the man walking in. Or the stranger he has become. He stops in the doorframe, staring shocked at us. He's wearing a simple dark washed jeans, sneakers and a plain white shirt. He hasn't ever looked better. My eyes lock with his. It's such an intense color! My blood freezes. The child inside of freezes. Time stops around us.
No one says anything. We just stare at each other. All three pairs of eyes. Each pair is widen due to the surprise. One pair is filled with horror. One is filled with fear...
He's seeing a happy couple, who is about to become parents. The male partner is placing his hands on the belly of the women from behind, both are grinning. They look happy. Really happy. In love.
Only this is so not what it looks like.
A new chapter! Please review!
Xoxo