Chapter 37

Lou

I'm still in disbelief even a week after Kid and I confessed our love for each other. I often wonder if this is just a dream that feels very real. If it is truly a dream, then I don't want to wake up. Like I told Rachel, I'm so happy when I'm with him. His friendship has always meant the world to me, and now having his love is simply too huge, too important to express it in words.

My pessimism and misery are totally gone. All my fears and doubts have vanished. How can I mope about being a woman when that's exactly what has brought Kid to me? I don't think I have a better knowledge of my newly-discovered womanhood, but I just know that I really feel like a woman when I'm with him.

I've also discovered that my patience is frail and I get easily frustrated. The moments Kid and I can be alone are limited and scarce. During the day it's almost impossible to grasp a single minute with him as there's always somebody around. So it's after dinner when we enjoy each other's company in private. Naturally, those long hours till my yearned-for rendezvous with him feel endless and almost unbearable. And don't get me started on those days he's on a ride and I can't see him at all.

I tell myself I should be content with those minutes we can revel in at the end of the day. I never thought Kid could ever be interested in me, so all this feels like an unbelievable gift. Therefore, I have no reason to grumble or feel dissatisfied. When we get together, we usually meet at the stables. Sometimes it's quite cold, but Kid won't hear of us going to find shelter in my room. He says it ain't right, and he's so proper. At least, the temperature soon escalates when we start to give way to our longing. We normally talk a little, but by and large, we spend most of the time kissing, cuddling, or whispering I-love-you's. I know he longs for me as much as I do, and it's no wonder we jump in each other's arms as soon as we come together.

Last night there were no kisses or conversation. Kid was on a ride. It was the first time he spent the night outside the station since we started courting, and God, how I missed him. He's due back this afternoon, and since after lunch I've been pacing up and down the bunkhouse porch, hoping to see him appear at any moment.

The bunkhouse door creaks opened behind me, and when I see Jimmy step out, I stop my frenetic pacing and fix my eyes on the horizon. "Is Kid late?" he asks me as he stands next to me and rests his right elbow on a post.

"Not really," I mutter without averting my eyes. "He should be back in a couple of hours, but I was hoping he'd be early today."

Silence falls upon us, and I feel rather than see his eyes studying me. So I shift my glance from where it had stubbornly been glued for the last half an hour, and as I look at him, the question is there between us. Jimmy holds my gaze and doesn't speak immediately. It takes a minute for him to finally say something. "I know how you feel." I frown, unsure if he's talking about Kid, our newly-discovered feelings for each other, or my poor patience. "I sometimes have a hard time figuring out who I am. The reckless, fearsome gunslinger who people call Wild Bill Hickok or the poor ignorant boy who scrapes a meager living at the Pony Express."

"Maybe you're neither or both," I say.

Jimmy shrugs his shoulders and fixes his eyes into mine. "And who are you, Lou?"

I keep thoughtful for a bit before I reply, "There's not a simple answer to that question. I'm definitely not the man I used to believe I was, and I'm still learning to be a woman. However, I've come to realize that man or woman, what matters is what kind of person I am. I ain't that different now that I know I'm a woman."

"Did you reach that conclusion yourself, or did lover-boy help?"

I sheepishly grin and blush. "Everybody helped; not just him."

Jimmy gives me a crooked smile. "I can guess that now you wouldn't want to be a man even if you could."

I just smirk, confirming his words. The sudden sound of hooves calls for my attention, and as my eyes shift from Jimmy, my stomach and heart seem to do summersaults when I spot Kid and his beautiful pinto mare galloping across the yard. "Kid!" I cry as I jump off the porch and run to meet him.

Kid stops his mare, and barely has he eased off his mount when my arms snake around his neck and my lips capture his. I can feel his smile as I kiss him, and in the middle of our warm encounter, a voice wafts to us. "Oh heck, do you really have to do that in public? You needn't brag about how besotted you are! We already got the message."

We pull away, and even though utterly embarrassed, I dare to glance at Jimmy and grin when I say, "What's the matter, Jimmy? You jealous?"

He shakes his head and gives us a blithe smirk. "Just find yourselves your own private nest where you can smooch each other senseless for all I care." I can't hide my embarrassment any more, so when he swirls around and walks back into the bunkhouse, I'm relieved it's only Kid who can see my red cheeks. I turn my face up to him and whisper, "I missed you."

"I can tell," he quips good-humorously and chuckles. "I couldn't wait to come back. Being without you for a whole day was a torture," he says in a more serious tone.

I smile at his sweet words. "How was the ride?"

"Lonely," he replies as we slowly start moving towards the stables. His right hand holds Katy's reins while his left arm is wrapped around my shoulders, keeping me close. My own arm is around his waist as we walk together. It feels so natural as if we had done it all our lives. "Also tiring and too warm."

It's early in the year to be this warm, but it's true that in the last few days we've had strangely mild weather. An idea suddenly strikes me. "Kid, I have a couple of hours of leisure. Why don't we grab a couple of towels and freshen up at the waterhole?" I used to enjoy splashing around in the river close to the cabin on hot summer days. It was one of the things Pa expressly forbade me to do, but I sometimes snuck to the river and challenged his rules.

When Kid doesn't respond to my suggestion right away, I fear he ain't thrilled by the idea "Oh you're right," I say. "Silly me. I can't expect you to go gallivanting with me when you must probably be longing for a nice nap."

Kid cups my chin and makes me look at him. "What I long for is you, Lou, and I think it's a great idea. Let's do it."

I almost jump in eagerness and kiss his cheek. After we both take care of Katy, Kid goes to the bunkhouse and I run to my room. In my old saddle bags I pack a towel and fresh long johns to change into after our incursion at the waterhole. Back in the stables I saddle Lightning and a fresh mount for him.

"I asked Rachel for a few sandwiches in case we feel hungry," Kid says when he comes back.

"You think of everything!" I exclaim and leaning over, I plant another kiss on his cheek.

We ride to the waterhole at a relaxing pace, talking, laughing, and teasing each other. When we reach the place, it's as quiet and deserted as the few times I've been here myself. We secure the horses to a nearby tree, and Kid spreads a blanket on the ground. "Shall we have a bite first? I haven't eaten anything since this morning."

I nod to his suggestions, and we sit across from each other on the blanket. Kid starts eating the sandwich Rachel packed for us, and I let him have mine too. I ain't hungry, especially now that I'm around Kid. His mere presence plays havoc on my nerves, and I often lose my appetite over him. As Kid eats, I watch him, and he meets my eyes, speaking a secret, silent language that only I can understand. At night in bed I often doubt the truth of his feelings for me. How can anybody, let alone Kid, love me? There's a whole list of reasons why his love should be impossible. I beat myself up for hours in sheer agony. Yet, as soon as his eyes talk to me, my faith in him is restored. He undoubtedly loves me, and I'm a complete idiot for letting my foolish fears dominate me, even for a few hours.

God, I didn't know I could feel so strong for somebody. It's been only a week since our first kiss, and I grow more and more smitten with each passing day. He's everything I'd want and more. This is such a huge thing that I can hardly contain it within myself. My skin, my eyes, the way I move, walk, talk… everything proclaims my love for him, and logically, I can't keep it quiet either.

"I love you, Kid," I whisper before I've even registered my intention to speak up. A blush spreads over my cheeks as he smiles at me sweetly.

"And I you, Lou," he says. "I've never loved anybody so much before… never ever. And I'm afraid this man here and his heart belong to you, milady."

I smile, but there's something that has been haunting me for a while now. I feel the urgent need to get it in the open, or the fear will fester and rot my happiness. "Kid, are… are you really going back to Virginia if the war breaks out?"

There. I said it, and now apprehension crams and taunts my soul as I wait for his reply. He peers at me with a serious countenance as he eats the last bite of sandwich. He shakes the crumbs off the front of his shirt and wipes his hands and mouth on a napkin. "Come here, Lou," he says, opening his right arm in invitation to his warmth. I crawl to him, and he wraps his arm over my back and drops a kiss on the top of my head. "What's this about leaving?" he asks as I snuggle closer to him.

"You … you said a while ago you might join up when fighting started in the east."

"Yes, I said that," he admits in a soft voice as he looks over my head at an unspecified point on the horizon.

I dread the confirmation of my worst fear, but I need to know. I just can't live on an illusion. What we have now might be short-lived as his plans are already made and don't include me. Yet, I'd rather know the harsh truth. "Kid?" I urge in a strained voice when he keeps quiet for long seconds.

He looks down at me, his lips kiss the tip of my nose, and then he says, "Honey, you've come to complicate things for me."

"What?" I let out, unsure how to feel about his very unflattering words.

"You have, Lou. I was so certain what my duty was, and how I had to defend the land where I was born and raised. But now… how am I supposed to turn my back on you and let hundreds of miles separate us?"

That makes my heart pound and my mouth smile. Yet, I still feel I need to play the devil's advocate. "We've known each other five minutes in comparison to the years you've loved your home land."

"It could well have been five centuries by the way I feel about you." Then he kisses me, the kind of kiss I've been longing for since he first rode in today. I respond intensely, with a yearning that is almost insatiable. His arms wrap around me, and as I lower my body and lie on my back, I drag him alongside with me. We keep kissing. Only his lips and arms touch me as the bulk of his body is held back, hovering over mine since I imagine he fears his weight might crunch my small frame.

When he pulls away, he drops on the blanket next to me and spreads his arm around my waist. "I want to be with you forever," he whispers, looking into my eyes. "You know, you get the certainty this is it when you meet your destiny, and that's how I feel when I'm with you."

I smile and caress his face with my fingers. I'm overcome by a staggering wave of love and bliss, but there's also something overlapping and polluting my bright landscape. That troubling nag must have shown on my countenance and given me away as Kid asks next, "What's wrong, Lou?"

"I… I was thinking about my father," I say hesitantly. "If he could see me now, I'm sure he would have a few things to say."

"He wouldn't be the only one, would he? I guess you'd like to have your say too."

I nod. "I wouldn't even know where to start," I admit. "I'm angry with him… furious, in fact. However, that ain't the feeling that dominates me, to be honest. I'm actually scared."

"Scared?"

"Thinking about facing and telling him about my life, about you, about everything… that mere possibility leaves me weak with nerves because I can certainly imagine how he'll respond."

"But, Lou, that won't happen in a long time. Your father won't go anywhere in five long years, and who knows where you'll be then… hopefully with me."

I smile again, but even if his words are meant to be soothing, they make me nervous as well. It's the second time in barely five minutes he's hinted about us being together for good. Does this mean he wants to marry me? It must just be playful talk, I guess. I hope he ain't planning to propose. I'm his in heart and soul, but thinking about marriage would be just a bit too much. I haven't lived enough as a woman; I'm still taking baby steps, and I can't demand from myself to be a wife on top of everything.

In an attempt to divert the conversation to lighter topics, I disengage myself from his hold and scramble to my feet. "Well, enough about my father. We came here for a reason, didn't we?" I then start shedding my clothes. My jacket goes first, which I toss onto the blanket. When I start on the buttons of my shirt, I notice Kid hasn't moved and is still sitting on the spread blanket while watching me. His intense gaze unnerves me, and my hands begin to shake slightly. I look behind me and give him a coy smile. "Come on, lazy bones! Have you fallen asleep on me, or do you mean to get into the water fully-clothed?"

He slowly rises to his feet, folds his arms, and says, "I… I ain't sure this is such a good idea."

"Why? I hear you and the boys come here often when it's as warm as today."

"That's right, but well, it's different, you know. We're just a foolish bunch horsing around, and you... you're my girl."

It's nice to hear him call me his girl, but at the same time I'm quite miffed as well. What does he mean by that? Does he prefer being around his friends? Whatever it is, I'm afraid he's going to let me down here. "Do whatever you want," I state curtly. After my boots, socks, and pants join the pile of discarded clothes, I slowly tiptoe to the waterhole, just clad in long johns.

The coldness of the water hugs my calves and thighs, and a shudder courses all over my body. For a few seconds I wade around and dither whether to brave further. Yet, after a while I breathe, and take a plunge, submerging in the water completely but reappearing almost instantly. My skin loses its goose bumps as it gradually becomes used to the temperature of the water. For a while I move my arms and feet in a vain attempt to imitate something akin to swimming. Pa never taught me how to swim properly, but at least I know how to let my body float.

When I glance in the direction of the shore, Kid's still standing on the same spot and with his clothes on. "Oh come on, Kid! Don't be such a spoilsport! The water feels perfect!"

He considers my words, and finally relinquishes. "All right, all right. You win." I beam in triumph when I see him strip down to his long johns, and before he can back out again, he dives into the lake headlong. I laugh and shriek as I'm flooded by sudden spurts and jets of water. When his head emerges, I paddle closer to him and hook my arms around his neck. "This is even nicer," he says a second before we kiss again.

My hands travel from his neck to his front. My fingers run through the relief of his chest. He feels smooth, strong, and so different from my own body. Curiosity takes the best of me, and I break the kiss to have a peek. I know men and women must be built in a different way, but I don't exactly know the specifics. Since I learned I was a woman, I've tried to find clues by watching the boys and Teaspoon. Naturally the way Rachel fills her blouses is distinctly different from what I can see in Kid and the others, but that can be applied to me too. Actually, I still I look more like the boys than Rachel.

My eyes follow my hands as they brush over his chest. "Lou, what are you doing?" I hear Kid say, but I don't bother to answer as I'm too focused and pleased by my scrutinizing. The wet material of his long john top is glued to his skin, and I can make out the curves of his smooth and strong chest, which feels very nice to my touch.

"Lou…" Kid calls my name, and I can hear the warning tone in his voice. His hands come around my wrists and he moves away from my touch. Unhappy I look up. His hold on my wrists relaxes and I find his eyes breeze past mine and land on my front. Something in his stance discomfits me, and I automatically fold my arms over my chest. I can see the blood dye his face; he's obviously troubled. To my surprise he suddenly whips around, turning his back to me.

Confused by his strange behavior, I come closer to him and rest a hand on his shoulder. "Kid, what's wrong?"

Without turning his head, he says, "Lou, I told you this wasn't a good idea. I… it ain't easy to keep a cold head when I'm around you, and I try my hardest not to succumb to you." My mouth hangs open as his words prick my pride and leave a stabbing wound in my soul. "Do us both a favor, and… and stop touching me. And… please leave me be for a minute."

I remove my hand as if his skin were on fire. Without uttering a single word, I wade away from him. Once outside the waterhole, I toss a look over my shoulder. Kid's still where I left him, unmoving but shaking his head. When he notices my stare, he tries to catch my eye, but I look away. How dare he? How dare he? I angrily keep repeating as I retrieve my clothes and my saddle bags.

I'm fuming as I get out of my wet long johns and into my dry clothes behind some bushes. I've never felt as humiliated as he's made me feel now. A few angry tears escape my eyes which I brush off roughly with the back of my hand. He turned away from me! He turned away as if I were a cockroach that disgusted him! And he even had the nerve to order me not to touch him! What the hell is wrong with him? Is this the same man who claimed he loved me? Liar! Damn liar! His words echo in my mind, and irritation soars inside me! What a bastard! Like hell I will lay a finger on him again! He can well be the last man on earth for all I care!

Once dressed I march back to get Lightning. Kid's sitting on a tree stump, tying his boots. His shirt hangs open over his fresh long johns. When he sees me, he smiles, but my face remains serious as I glare at him. His smile freezes and his face scrunches into a confused frown. "Lou?"

"Don't ever talk to me again!" I bark, pointing a menacing finger at him. "Don't even breathe in my presence ever again!"

"Lou, I don't understand," he says, rising to his feet.

"Are you deaf or just plain stupid? Get this into your head: just forget I exist!"

He walks closer to me, and as he tries to reach for me, I back off, placing myself behind Lightning. "Lou, you ain't angry with me because of what happened before in the water, are you?" When I stay silent and simply glare at him, he adds, "Please let me explain. I…"

"There's nothing to explain," I state dryly. "Goodbye, Kid." I jump onto my mare, and turning a deaf ear to his summons, I flap the reins and spur Lightning into a fast gallop, not bothering to spare a single look at the man I leave behind.