36. 3 Days
The knife slashed at her chest as Clay's face came into view and Effie woke up with a strangled scream that echoed in the empty bedroom.
She sat there, in the middle of the tangled sheets, and panted for a moment, her eyes darting from the small specks of dust dancing in the light coming through the window to the crib next to the bed. Slowly, her heart stopped racing and sensations came back. She groaned and flopped down on her back to rub her face with her hands – sitting was still a bit painful.
Once she was certain the nightmare wouldn't turn into something more, like a panic attack or a flashback, she felt around the bed with her free hand. The sheets were cold and, given how bright it was outside, she figured it must have been late.
Anxiety immediately made the content of her stomach slosh around.
Where was April?
She tried to calm down, to breathe in and out slowly, to get those treacherous feelings under control… She knew her daughter was most likely fine, with Haymitch somewhere in the house, and that she was overreacting. She had promised him she would work on those impulses to keep April close at all cost and she had mostly – letting Peeta hold her in her presence had been torture at first but it had made the boy so happy… But she couldn't help it. She couldn't.
She was out of bed before she could remind herself she was being irrational.
She hadn't left the bedroom much since the birth. She had briefly wandered downstairs the previous day, after Doctor Larcher had given her the all-clear, barely long enough to phone her family and Four.
She was still a little tired and she felt gross. There were things about the aftermath of birth that nobody told you about and now she realized why. It was somehow worse than having one's period and the fact that she couldn't use tampons wasn't helping in the slightest, she had never been a fan of pads. And she felt clammy too. She had washed with a cloth at the sink but it had been all that she had felt the strength to do after delivery and she now felt an urge to take a very long shower.
But all that was secondary to finding her daughter.
She followed the quiet noises to the kitchen.
Her stomach finally settled when she caught sight of what was happening in there. The backdoor was cracked open and Snowball was lying half-in and half-out, no doubt keeping an eye on the geese wandering outside. Haymitch was flipping things in a pan, wearing his red and grey checkered sweatpants and nothing else. She took a second to admire the hard lines of his back, her eyes lingering a little on the familiar faded scars, and then fell on the baby seat on the middle of the table.
She made a beeline for April.
The baby was sleeping and she didn't want to wake her so she simply placed her hand on the center of her chest, happy to feel it regularly rise and fall.
"I was starting to wonder if you'd slipped in a coma." Haymitch snorted, making the round something jump in the pan.
The counter was a mess of flour and dough and she eventually guessed he was making pancakes. Enough pancakes to feed an army. She eyed the small tower piled in a plate to his left with amusement.
"Are we expecting the rest of Panem for breakfast?" she teased.
"Just the kids." he snorted.
She stepped closer and stretched her neck for her morning kiss. It was just a peck and they shared a look afterwards before bursting out laughing. Well… She laughed, Haymitch chuckled.
He rubbed the back of his neck, amusement still plainly visible on his face.
"When did we get so disgustingly domestic, sweetheart?" he joked.
"Does it matter?" she grinned.
Domestic or not, ridiculous or not… She was certain she could never be happier than at that moment. Well. She might. If she had felt a bit less filthy.
The moment she had thought the word her smile turned to a small wince.
She could smell herself and it was bad. Rot and decay and…
A hand cupped her cheek and she blinked hard, coming back to the present.
"You should go grab a shower, sweetheart." he suggested, always attuned to her needs. "Get dolled up even. I've got it under control." She tossed an hesitant look to April, reluctant to be parted from her even for a second but… "We've been fine so far, we'll be fine for a little more. You can have your turn with her when you feel better." He pressed a kiss on her forehead. "Besides… Now, you've gotta eat a hundred pancakes."
"Certainly not." she huffed. "I intend to get my figure back." She smoothed his borrowed shirt over her budging stomach and let her eyes linger on the baby. "I don't know why it is so hard… I know she is fine with you. I just…" The prospect of leaving her behind, even if it was only in another room was enough to bring tears to her eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't know what is wrong with me."
"You're her mom and it's still new." he shrugged. "Can't say I'm too happy when I can't see her either. It'll get better."
"Will it?" she whispered.
His mouth twitched into a smirk. "Worse comes to worse, we'll be those annoying parents who follow their kid everywhere. Bet she's gonna love it when she's a teenager."
She made a face. "Do not talk of her being a teenager. We will be ancient by then."
"You'll still be gorgeous." he countered smoothly.
She snorted and fought her own smile.
"You are an idiot." she accused with fondness. She pressed a kiss to his cheek and let out a sigh. "I will be back in a flash."
"Take your time." he dismissed.
She stopped by the table to drop a kiss on her daughter's head before scurrying upstairs. She caught a glimpse of the bed on her way to the bathroom and wrinkled her nose in distaste. It only took her a couple of minutes to undress it. She would do it later, she decided, and maybe she would clean around a little too because she had been remiss in the last few weeks and…
She shook her head and forced herself to get a hold on her compulsions. She wasn't in a cell, the bedroom was clean enough, it would be alright.
She stepped into the shower and let the warm water run on her body – and it was bliss. She gradually relaxed, forgetting to fret for a few minutes. She took her time rubbing her scented gel on her body and she took even longer working the shampoo in her hair.
She felt refreshed when she finally emerged from the shower in a cloud of steam. Once she had dried herself, she passed the towel on the mirror to get a clear reflection and she took a good hard look at herself.
She had felt so huge lately…
She didn't look as bad as she remembered. The pressing weight on her stomach had disappeared and that was already a good point. She certainly wasn't slim anymore but she didn't feel ready to burst either and she figured that with a proper healthy diet and some exercising, she could get back in shape in a couple of months.
It made her feel good about herself.
She hummed as she selected an outfit for the day – something that she hadn't indulged in in a while because inelegant stretchy pants and loose shirts had been all she could get comfortable in. She settled on a pink dress with an empire waist that mostly hid the flaws in her figures. She wanted to couple it with heels too but she wasn't sure it was wise yet. Tomorrow, she decided and it made her smile.
She felt a lot more like herself once her hair was tied up in a fancy bun and she had applied some make-up on her face. She clasped the butterfly necklace around her neck and grinned when she felt it settle on her collarbone.
She looked less like a pregnant elephant and more like Effie Trinket.
She was sporting a bright smile on her lips when she walked back down.
Everyone in the kitchen did a double take, which made her feel very cocky. Peeta was smiling wide, Katniss looked a little relieved and Haymitch just licked his lips.
"Well, shit, sweetheart…" he breathed out, his gaze turning a little dark with lust.
For all his oaths that he always found her beautiful, she had known he was most likely partially lying. It was alright. She liked herself better when she was presentable too.
"Language, Haymitch." she chided him. "I won't have you talk like that when you have my baby in your arms." She lost no time in stealing said baby from him, though. April was awake, bright blue eyes staring back at her… "Hello, my darling…" She could have gotten lost in her daughter's eyes but she forced herself to make an effort. "And hello to you too, children."
"You look beautiful, Effie." Peeta offered, always the gentleman.
She smiled back at him. "I did try."
"Well, that's a win." Haymitch snorted, taking his seat at the table where four plates were waiting. "Breakfast, come on."
She pretended not to notice the chair intended for her had a nice fluffy cushion on it. It was thoughtful, certainly, but also a little embarrassing. She transferred April in her left arm, propping it on the table so it wouldn't get tired and made sure she was comfortable before she started eating.
The conversation was easy.
The children joked and laughed, teasing Haymitch about something or other… Effie wasn't really following, she sometimes made a remark but she was distracted by the bundle of joy in her arms. She couldn't stop staring at her daughter, marveling at her.
In a flash of mad imagination, she saw the rest of her life and it was a succession of quiet mornings like this one: her baby nearby, her not quite babies arguing with Haymitch about why he really should put on a shirt before they came around, Haymitch feeding the banter and stealing glances at her when they weren't looking… The two of them sharing secret smiles to which the children were oblivious.
The old Effie Trinket, the one who had dreamed of glory and influence, would have been horrified by a fate she had always tried her hardest to avoid. She had never wanted to be only a mother or a wife to a man who would regard her as some possession. She had always wanted to be more.
Right then, she would have been happy if being a mother and a wife was the last things she got to be. In no small part because Haymitch would never behave like she was a doll on a shelf for him to play with when the fancy struck.
There would be exciting new things in her life, she was sure, but for now… For now she was content with what she had. It was more than she ever thought she would get.
A family of her own.
Healthy and happy…
She hid her smile against her daughter's brow as she dropped a kiss on her head.
April made a small sound that held no real meaning but that made Effie smile harder. She soon became unsettled though and Effie excused herself to feed her in the living-room. It was a bit less painful but it still wasn't comfortable, her nipples felt raw and irritated and no amount of advices or tips to help actually made a difference.
April still looked hungry when she eventually took her away from her breast. It took her a few minutes to calm her down. She was a sweet-tempered thing though – at least when Effie wasn't a ball of nerves – she settled down quickly.
"We got a delivery." Haymitch said, leaning against the doorframe. "Not that you could hear over the wailing… I'm telling you, sweetheart, she's got your lungs." She tried to force a smile but didn't quite manage. She felt sad because she knew, Doctor Larcher's recommendations to wait and see or to take it easy notwithstanding. Haymitch frowned. "Effie, what's wrong?"
She shook her head. "We will talk about it with the doctor when he comes over later."
His grey eyes darted to the baby and he immediately outstretched his arms in an instinctive plea to be allowed to protect and comfort. She had to remind herself nobody would be taking April away before she handed her over, hiding behind a mask of fake cheerfulness that was still almost too easy to conjure.
The baby safely cradled in his left arm, he brushed slightly trembling fingers against Effie's cheek. She leaned in the caress but her eyes remained sad.
"You think she's still hungry again?" he asked, uncertain.
"Call it a mother's instinct." she whispered. "I know."
"Larcher said we needed to wait and see." he hesitated. "Maybe…"
"We will see." she dismissed. "A delivery, you said?"
He touched her shoulder before she could wander too far away.
"Sweetheart, if we have to add bottles…" He shrugged, careful not to disturb the baby. It was the most precious thing, really, to see him holding their daughter close to his bare chest. "It doesn't mean you failed or any bullshit like that."
She flashed him a smile but escaped his knowing gaze by taking refuge in the kitchen. Katniss and Peeta were chatting while doing the dishes, she turned her attention to the huge package in the middle of the table. The return address was her parents' and her mood improved drastically. Her mother had promised to send some stuff over in express but nothing had arrived so far and Effie had started to think Elindra would be there well before the gifts.
She grabbed a knife from the drawer – and tried not to remember what had happened the last time she had opened a package from her mother with one of those because the knife slashed and Clay' s face and…
"Do you need help?" Peeta asked, gently taking the knife from her clenched fingers. It took her a second to relax her fist but the boy simply waited as if nothing was out of the ordinary. "Those packages can be so tricky…"
She nodded, taking the excuse he was giving her with gratefulness.
Katniss didn't seem to think anything of it but Haymitch, who had followed her in the room, was now studying her with rapt attention. He had picked up the cat rag doll somewhere and he was distractedly playing with it, making it dance in front of April's face.
It was a ridiculous sight and she wasn't really surprised when a camera flashed. Katniss had made it her mission to collect as many embarrassing pictures of Haymitch as she could – Effie believed there was a bet out there with Johanna.
The bright flash, unfortunately, did nothing for her. It briefly blinded her and… her cell was dark. Dark. Dark. Dark.
She breathed in through her nose, made a point of identifying the different smells in the kitchen… The dishwater soap, the lingering scent of pancakes and syrup in the air, the faint touch of dog fur…
"Here you go, Effie." Peeta said. It was loud. It was loud but she couldn't tell if it was because he was trying to get her attention or because of the hissing sound in her ears.
Her fingers were shaking but she kept smiling as she reached for the now ripped open package. She smiled when she saw what was inside though and it helped chase the memories away.
Darling little outfits, small hats and soft headbands…
She piled them up next to the box, her smile growing more genuine with every new item she took out.
"Guess you're getting a change of clothes, shrimp." Haymitch snorted, venturing closer.
There were a few other things in the box: a mobile with stars and unicorns, some practical items they already had but in pink this time around and a lot of glittery fuchsia pacifiers that immediately caught Haymitch's attention.
"Fabulous." he teased her.
She pouted. "I am not sure I want her to use a pacifier. We will have trouble training her off it."
He handed the baby to Peeta who readily took her to go sterilize one with a shrug. "Let's see if she likes it first."
Her pout deepened but she kept her peace, gently tracing circles on April's tummy. The baby was happy in Peeta's arms, probably because she knew the boy was already wrapped around her little finger. She would be a charmer, this one.
Effie thought Haymitch was only eager for her to use the pacifier because it was pink and glittery and because it would allow him a new range of jokes about how April was her mother's daughter. And, naturally, April took to the pink sparkling monstrosity with delight.
Haymitch smirked and Effie rolled her eyes.
"Don't you dare." she warned before he could comment. She scooped her daughter up and nodded at the clothes. "Help me get those up to the nursery, will you?"
Once everything was upstairs and she had April on the changing table, she faltered a little. So far, Haymitch had been the one taking care of diapers and outfits because she had been confined to her bed. Her manicured nails were no help in that matter and she struggled to change her diaper – all the while wrinkling her nose at the mess – disgusted by it all.
"I think you will be in charge of diaper changing from now on." she declared, when Haymitch wheeled the crib back in the nursery as she had asked.
"No way, sweetheart." He shook his head. "That's shared duty."
He pressed a kiss against her neck and waved at April over her shoulder.
"Do not kiss me when I smell like baby poop." she grumbled.
"It's still poop." he snorted. "Adding baby before it doesn't make much of a difference."
She pursed her lips at him but finished dressing April in a brand new red romper with little white dots and a green rigged collar that made her look like a little strawberry. She added its matching little green hat.
"You look darling." she declared with a bright smile.
"Please, tell me you're not going to dress her up every day like a doll." he scoffed. "Cause what went for a boy… We agreed on how we wanted to raise our kid. You're not going to try and turn her into a crazy fashion person, yeah?"
She frowned at him, not really pleased with the assumption.
"I simply want her to look pretty." she replied. "Is that wrong?"
"As long as we're clear she doesn't have to be proper and shit." he warned. "Say, when she's older she likes pants better… Or running outside… Or climbing trees…"
"She will do what she wants." she cut him off. "Except climbing trees. That sounds very unsafe." She waved her hand to dismiss that, keeping her other one of April's stomach to avoid any incident – all the books agreed you should never leave a baby unattended on a changing table. "I want her to be everything she wants to be. That does not mean I am not hoping to give her some sort of fashion sense." She gave him a small shrug. "Besides, she is little still and I like dressing her in cute outfits. Where is the harm?"
"There's none as long as you remember she's not a toy or an accessory." he replied.
She shot him a glare. "I do not like what you are implying."
She knew what he was implying though. Capitols used their children that way. They left them to nannies to be brought up and only took them out to be seen and marveled at. Capitol children, in the elite, were little more than human dolls.
Effie had never wanted her own children to be raised in that way.
His grey eyes flickered from her to April and back. He winced. "Sorry."
"Yes, I believe you ought to be." she huffed, carefully lifting her daughter up to place her in her crib before opening the dresser's drawer. She needed to sort the clothes they had bought. Some could be kept but others had clearly been meant for a boy and wouldn't do. "Honestly."
Arms wrapped around her mid-section and his nose nuzzled her neck.
"I'm just…" he hesitated. "I'm feeling a bit… overprotective. She's so small and…" He shrugged awkwardly. "Look… I was ready for a boy and… Girls seem more like your territory than mine."
She rolled her eyes at his stupidity. "Have you forgotten Katniss and Johanna? Because I guarantee you are better at handling them than I am."
"Different." he scoffed. "They're…"
"They look up to you and they love you just like our daughter will." she interrupted. "It is not so different. You will do fine with a girl and I won't make my mother's mistakes. We will… We will learn. We will manage. Together. Isn't that what you promised me?"
He brushed his fingers on the butterfly resting over her collarbone. "Yeah." He dropped a kiss on her shoulder. "Yeah, we will."
"Good." she answered. "Now help me, would you? This house is in complete disarray."
Truth be told, it wasn't that bad and she knew that her cleaning impulses had more to do with how unsettled she felt that day. She managed to sort through the clothes while he fixed the mobile on the crib – without waking April up and that was a feat – but doing some actual cleaning proved to be difficult.
They tested the baby monitor at least ten times but neither of them could take more than two steps out of the nursery without freaking out. The idea that April would be by herself… It was far too much to bear.
In the end, they leaned against the corridor's wall, shoulder to shoulder, their arms brushing against each other.
"That's gonna be a problem." he remarked eventually.
"We are very deranged people." she sighed. "She is fine. I know she is fine." She looked at the monitor in her hand. "What is wrong with us?"
"We lost too much." he said quietly.
Snowball wandered by, stared at them for a moment and then paddled in the nursery. Effie followed, immediately alarmed that he would try to steal something from the crib again and accidentally crush their daughter to death but, instead, the dog lied down next to it. An animal shield.
"Good boy." she whispered and Snowball rolled on his back in answer, presenting his belly to rub. She humored him. "Very good job, my pretty baby. You stay here and keep watch."
It probably wasn't the healthiest idea and some people would have argued that it wasn't safe to leave a baby with an animal but…
She knew with every fiber of her being that the puppy would never hurt their daughter. He would stay there and protect, just like he was trained to do.
The fact that Snowball was with April actually allowed them to wander a little further. They kept to the first floor though, wary of going downstairs, and they regularly peeked inside the nursery despite the baby monitor remaining silent.
She used the vacuum cleaner and mopped the floors… She gave Haymitch instructions that he did not follow at all… He was a hindrance. Instead of doing what he was told – never quite interested in chores – he distracted her with kisses and wandering hands.
"You are aware a baby kills one's sexuality, yes?" she grinned up at him. As soon as the bed had been made, he had pushed her down on it – so she would rest, as he had put it, but there had been more kissing than resting. "Not that anything of that sort will happen any time soon."
She wasn't sure how long exactly the bleeding would last but she knew it was supposed to be some time. And she felt so tender down there that… No. They wouldn't have sex in the immediate future.
"Not for us." he smirked. "Nothing can do that. We're too good at it."
She burst out laughing.
Because he was stupid and she loved him for it.
At the first cry of her daughter, Effie was off the bed and in the nursery in a flash, quickly followed by Haymitch. She scooped April up and gently rocked her until she stopped crying, making her way to the rocking-chair. Sitting still wasn't comfortable but a glance at the clock confirmed it was feeding time again. She knew it was important to try and keep to a schedule.
Haymitch didn't quite watch. He crouched and played with Snowball, sometimes glancing up but still somehow ill-at-ease with breastfeeding. She thought it was idiotic. It wasn't like he hadn't seen her breasts a million times. What was so disconcerting about it?
He brushed it off when she asked, mumbled something about it being weird – she didn't try to pry further, she figured it had something to do with his own fondness for sucking on her nipples.
Once April was fed and calm once more, they were at a loss.
It was difficult to find a sense of normalcy. Neither of them was sure of what to do. Carrying on with their lives seemed unthinkable, not when they had a baby to take care of. In the end, they ended up in the living-room, watching their daughter who was happily falling back asleep in the baby seat, taking turn running errands around the house. At some point, she answered the phone and had to force herself not to sound rude or impatient when her mother kept her a lot longer than she would have liked.
Larcher usually arrived around five and she kept glancing at the clock, her anxiety levels rising with each passing minute. When the doctor finally showed up, she was so nervous her hands were shaking.
She watched him examine their daughter and she saw the small wince when he checked her weight.
"We need to switch to formula." she said before he could.
"Not switch." Larcher temporized. "You can still feed her, Effie. We will give her formula in addition to breastfeeding."
He asked questions. How many times April fed day and night, at which approximate times, when it was the most difficult for Effie to produce milk… She let Haymitch answer most of those questions, forcing herself to keep a smile on her lips and resolutely ignoring the worried glances the two men were giving her.
She let Haymitch walk the doctor back to the door and crouched in front of the coffee table where the baby seat was placed. April's blue eyes stared straight at her, so bright and trusting… Her smile softened into something genuine if a little sad. She dropped a kiss on her forehead and walked away to lean against the couch and look through the window.
The baby started crying almost as soon as she left her sight.
Haymitch tossed her a puzzled look when he came back, clearly not understanding why she was letting their daughter cry. He immediately picked her up, struggling a little with the pacifier when he tried to give it back to her… Effie closed her eyes when she heard April starting to calm down.
"Effie…" he sighed.
She felt him come closer and she let him. She let him because what was the alternative? Running away? If she did she wasn't sure she would ever stop. Leaving April behind would devastate her but there was a tenacious little voice at the back of her head that whispered that it might be best, that their daughter didn't need her, that…
"Why can't I ever be enough?" she breathed out softly, almost too softly to be heard.
She had never been enough for her mother. She hadn't been enough for the Capitol. She hadn't been enough for Haymitch – not for a long time at least.
She had hoped that…
"Don't think like that." he rebuked her. "You're more than enough." She scoffed bitterly but he scowled and, before she could call out his lie, he forced the baby in her arms. Making sure April was safe was instinctive, cradling her close was purely selfish… She loved feeling her against her chest. "You're her everything." he spat, harsh. He was always harsh with the important truths. "It's not her fault she's not getting enough to eat. It's not your fault either. You want to blame someone, blame the assholes who tortured you. Fucking blame me. It's not your fault."
"I do not blame you." she denied at once, searching his eyes.
He ignored her.
"Listen to me, sweetheart. You're not gonna let this be a problem, alright?" he insisted. "We give her what she needs. No child of mine is gonna go to bed hungry, yeah?"
She wasn't sure what he wanted to hear. He sounded a little on edge and she knew that the food issue was always a sensitive one.
"I'm sorry…" she hesitated. She didn't know what she was apologizing for: failing to feed April or his own insecurities being woken up by it.
"No." He made a face. "Don't… It's not…" He sighed and rubbed his neck. "I meant if she needs more than you can give, it doesn't mean you're not enough for her, alright? 'Cause… She loves you."
"She is three days old." she pointed out. "I am not sure…"
"You don't see the way she looks at you." he snorted. "You're her whole world, Effie. Look…" April was looking at her, her tiny fist curling and uncurling as she sucked on the pacifier. It brought tears to her eyes because she loved her so much… "You're enough. You're more than fucking enough. You don't have to ask yourself that stupid question ever again 'cause you're her whole fucking world." She was so busy watching their daughter she almost startled when he wrapped his arms around her waist and propped his chin on her shoulder. "Mine too." he mumbled awkwardly before pressing a kiss against the side of her neck.
She relaxed against his chest.
"You say the sweetest things, Haymitch, but I do wish you would mind your language." she joked.
She expected him to make a joke of his own, to deflate the emotionally tense moment…
He kissed her temple instead, deadly serious. "It's true."
April made a small noise as if to agree with her father…
How could she not believe them?
Important truth, that. She's their whole world ;) Did you enjoy this chapter? Let me know! Next week, we get a surprise guest !