Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage

Lesson 36

"Etiquette in the Public World."

(-LE GASP-: I am so sorry that I haven't been updating...I've had A LOT of tests lately ....although you should all be extremely happy to know that I scored a 97% in my calculus test. Furthermore, I took the PSAT recently and scored higher than 99% of sophomores in the writing section...which means that I'm 100% percentile, right?...except I missed 120 points out of 800. Which is really confusing. Anyway, on with the story, hope you guys are having/will have fabulous holidays, and remember suggestions for this story are always welcome. Enjoy! :D)

You're in the outside world with your lover, sharing a coffee at Starbucks or something like that.

The barista that made you your drink happened to be a particularly evil nemesis of yours, and attempted to poison you by putting powdered cyanide in your latte.

However, said barista didn't have the best of eyesight, what with that long shaggy hair that definitely should not be allowed on a prosecutor, and he accidentally switched the cyanide for powdered Viagra. Completely honest mistake, I can assure you; after all, they both are the same color, and it must be very hard to see through that shaggy mane.

Anyway, let's just say the powdered cyanide may have been better to put into the latte than the powdered Viagra.

You know, what with side effects of Viagra and all.

I mean, if I were that unfortunate person who had gotten powdered Viagra in his latte, I would much rather have picked the powdered cyanide over the Viagra. I'd much rather drop down dead and foaming at the mouth than jump up, grab my lover, and slam them against the wall while humping their leg.

Hypothetical situation, of course. If this ever happened to you, I'm sure you would have agreed that Cyanide is better than Viagra.

There seem to be a suspicious amount of hypothetical situations in this story....

Well, for starters, I'm going to be lovably obvious and just say that you and your lover should not have sex in public. I mean, if you absolutely cannot restrain yourself or whatever, then go into the nearest bar/restaurant/person's house (this one not advised), and have mad sex in the bathroom. I mean, you'd definitely be surprised to know how many people will let you willingly into their house on a Friday night after a few good rounds of beer. You'd also be surprised at how many people are willing to let you have sex in their bathroom on a Friday night. But let me tell you, there's just something about having sex in your own bathroom; I wouldn't advise you use other peoples' bathrooms for your weekly sex rituals.

And in general, people don't usually have sex in public unless they're prostitutes and such, and even then I'm pretty sure you have your own room when you go have sex with a prostitute. I don't know; these days, the prostitutes go around on the street and have sex in people's cars. How times have changed.

I remember the days when you used to go into a prostitute's room and throw her on her bed and get down with her...have people no sex of civility these days?! Nobody really needs to see that old guy banging that prostitute in the red Camaro...

And if you're thinking, "Oh, hey, MATT has a red Camaro!" then yes, that's right. My poor car, my poor baby...she was eyewitness to one of the most vile things I have ever seen in the history of vile things. And she was so young! Only 3 years old....The good die young, the good die young.

I swear, old people should not be allowed to have sex in public. I mean, it's totally fine if they get off in their own respective houses/nursing homes/wherever they are, but...the rest of the world doesn't need to see someone the age of my grandma having sex. I mean, seriously.

The only other situation I can think of where having sex in public is normal is when there's like, a BDSM showing, or an S&M exhibition or whatever.

And let me just tell you, I've seen Mikami at quite a few of those BDSM live exhibitions they sometimes show around the seedier parts of Kyoto. I mean, he has like his own special exhibition of buttercream BDSM, where basically you tie the other person down and then force feed them buttercream frosting: "EAT IT, BITCH, EAT IT!" And the weird thing is, people like that kind of thing. And we wonder how Mikami gets all those wives of his....

I just go to the exhibitions for the cigs. No lie. If you go, you can swipe a few dozen packs of cigarettes off people because they're too busy salivating over the new collections of whips and chains that come from all over the world.

GOOD EXAMPLE :)

Mello and I never have sex in public. However, we did have sex that one time in the church...I mean, nobody was in it at the time, as it was around late evening, but...you know. There's just something completely wrong about having sex in a church. See, I, too, like everyone else, have a conscience.

There's just something deflating (literally) about having sex with your partner on a rough wooden pew and looking up to see Jesus staring down at you with his finger raised in admonition.

BAD EXAMPLE :(

Well, Mikami, obviously, practices buttercream BDSM in public. If you MUST force feed someone buttercream, please do it in the privacy of your own house, yes?

PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D

Well, y'know, you gotta hand it to them. Soichiro Yagami and Sachiko Yagami (Light's pa and ma, respectively), have finally made their entrance into the story.

They're rather old, compared to the rest of us young ones, and...just for their credit, they have only had two rounds of sex in their lifetime: one to produce Light, the other to produce Sayu. Or at least, that's how the story goes.

I secretly think they only had the second round of sex so that they could have another little baby genius. I heard Light was writing novels at four. Or at least, that's what the parents say.

They're in the perfect example because they conduct themselves well at all times in the outside world. Well, truthfully, I can't really think of a scene in which they're together outside, but, you never know. They gotta go grocery shopping together some times.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!