He left the room abruptly. I couldn't look at him leaving. I didn't want him to leave, but I didn't want him to win. I didn't want him to prove his point. Maybe I wasn't healthy…maybe I was weak… but no… I had to keep my ground.
All I wanted was to vanish into thin air as he closed the door. There was no one left. Maybe I was too hard on him…
I hate my life… my parents don't realise that they have a daughter… they've given up on me completely… they only think about everything except what they truly have too… Did Austin become like them too? Does Austin hate me? I wouldn't blame him… Maybe he'll come tomorrow… Maybe I'll see him.
'Hey mum…'
'Hello my dear! You're early!'
'We had a fight… I said some hard words… and she wanted me to leave.'
'I told you Austin she has nothing. They're keeping her in hospital for nothing.' Mum replied while Austin went to get a beer from the fridge.
'Mum… have you seen her? She's placed on a feeding tube. She won't make it if she doesn't increase her weight. She's weak… tired… I don't recognise her anymore… someday she was another girl… another sister…'
'Austin you just said she fought with you. She had to have strength.'
'Mum it's called anger and desperation!'
'Austin…'
'You know what mum? Do as you like! I'm not giving up on her.' He replied as he went up to his room with the beer in his hand.
Before Austin went to his room, he saw my door room open. He entered hoping to find me there… although he knew where I truly was. He saw my bed fully made as usual. He saw my posters of Nadia Comaneci. He went towards my desk and followed the perfect straight line that everything was set at.
He saw all the order in heights of books… He saw everything in perfection… He saw pictures of us together in the frames that I had decorating my room. I always loved girly colours and Austin always knew what to get me with girly colours in them.
He saw all pictures of us in the album I had on the desk. It was the family album that both Austin and I used to keep since when I was 7 years old. He used to tell me, that when the time comes, we'll want to remember these moments together. Guess… he was right! Usually I wanted to keep memories and review the albums… but that day, it was him.
He grabbed one of my favourite cardigans and held it to his nose. Tears prickled down his eyes… I guess he did miss me. He grabbed one of our pictures together from my room, and left to his. As he entered, he went straight to his desk and put the picture there while he opened the beer and drank.
I never knew that Austin kept a bottle of vodka in his room. Guess that was the day he discovered the real use for vodka.
Dear Diary,
I'm sorry I'm not writing in the journal, but it's at home, and I'm hoping no one will find you there… So… for now am going to write here… I think I made a huge mistake today. But Austin agreed to the feeding tube. I want to take this out. I want so bad… I want Austin here… I want to be able to talk to him like I used too… I want loving parents… Why can't I have that? Why am I like this?
Maybe I'm annoying… maybe I deserve all this… Yes… I do… I have to be perfect… Than everybody will like me. My parents will love me… Austin will be proud of me… I can work harder… I want to go back home… I hate this cold place… I hate these boring walls… I hate these wires…
I want to die right now. I want all the pain to end… I... I … I don't know what I want… feel… think anymore… Doctors and family make me seem as an invalid.
I have to work harder… Tomorrow is a new day… Tomorrow is the day…
Martina Tucker…