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Chapter Thirty-Five

Those Two Words

Molly instructed me to rest at the Burrow for several weeks. "You've spent four months living in a cold barn, with no decent company, no hot meals and no treatment for any of your injuries, so you'll do as I say, Remus Lupin!" she said sternly, when I suggested after three days that I start helping the Order again. I accepted defeat fairly quickly, and she consented to let me help her around the house, provided that I did not "over exert" myself and provided I had several hours rest every day. Courtesy of the ointment Snape had left me, all that now remained of my injury was a white pearly scar on my side, but it still presented me with a dull ache most of the time, that even a week later was still agonising if I was up and about for too long, and once I'd run out of protests, I began to welcome the moments she insisted that I went and rested up in the twins' bedroom.

I was still frustrated at not being able to do anything particularly useful, although I had to admit that the Burrow was not a bad place to be stuck at, as it was still being used as an unofficial headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix. Grimmauld Place had been confirmed as safe to continue using, and was where the most major meetings were held, but many members of the Order would drop by the Burrow regularly to discuss more informal matters, no doubt preferring its warm, sociable atmosphere to the cold, deserted rooms that, I think, reminded everyone of Sirius's last days. After four months of no contact with anyone at all, it was wonderful to be in a place where Arthur or Kingsley would bring me news of what was happening at the ministry, where Bill would often pop in to tell me what was happening at Gringotts, and where Molly would, courtesy of the letters she received from Ginny and (once in a blue moon) Ron, inform me of what was happening in the teenage world of our younger friends.

Tonks became the most regular visitor of all, and during my first couple of weeks back, when I was - on Molly's instructions - still spending a lot of time in bed, she barely left my side. She insisted on sitting with me, filling me in on everything going on in the Order, at the ministry and in the outside world, bringing me food and drink in spite of my protests that I was well enough to get them myself, and generally providing warm and pleasant company that was far beyond what I felt I deserved from her, after walking out on her at Christmas.

Perhaps it was because of my injury, or because she had more pressing issues to deal with, or because she didn't want to make things awkward between us again, but she made no mention of what had happened, and although I was grateful, I also felt ashamed, knowing that I did not deserve any sort of understanding, knowing that she had every right to still be angry with me. I also knew that, for her sake, I should be distancing myself from her, that spending so much time with her was only going to cause her a lot of pain and heart ache in the end, but I couldn't do it. And so I continued to engage her in conversation whenever she came round, feeling angry with myself once she had left. I offered her sympathy and understanding if she had had a rough day at work, trying not to think about the fact that in doing so I was only adding to a bigger, more long-term problem. My heart always gave a secret leap of joy when she stayed at the Burrow for dinner, one that was almost instantly accompanied by a second reaction of self-loathing for my selfish desire to spend as much time with her as I could. I became caught up in a vicious circle of denial, guilt and utter inability to back away, and for every day my physical condition improved, my psychological state was thrown into even greater turmoil.

oOo

"So how long until Molly releases you back into the big wide world?" I joked to her one evening. She had been staying at the Burrow as well for the last few nights. There had been two Death Eater attacks in her road that previous weekend, and in spite of her protests that she was a qualified auror, had protective charms on her house and would be perfectly fine, it had not been enough to convince Molly. Eventually, after many repetitive conversations, Tonks had given in to her pleas that she come to the Burrow after work and stay in Ginny's room for a few nights instead of going back to her house on her own. Having her around permanently was not doing anything to ease my conflict of emotions, but I couldn't help hoping - selfishly as ever - that she would be staying for a while.

Tonks just rolled her eyes with a sigh. "I'm going to have to go home at some point," she said. "I can hardly stay here forever, can I? And what's she expecting, anyway, that things will just settle down in a few weeks time?"

I smiled grimly. She was right, of course, although I had a feeling that the dangers of living alone were not the sole reason for Molly wanting Tonks to stay at the Burrow. She, like Tonks, had not broached the dreaded subject with me again at all, but I had not missed her pointed looks whenever she mentioned Tonks in my presence, or her satisfied smile when she saw the two of us chatting. But if she was hoping that we were magically going to work things out and effectively solve both problems in one go, she was going to be waiting a while, and I decided to change the subject before any awkward topics came up with Tonks.

"Did you know that Harry and Ginny were going out?" I asked abruptly. Molly had told me earlier that day and I hadn't been particularly surprised, because even I had cottoned onto Harry's not-so-subtle glances at Ginny over the Christmas holidays.

"Yeah, she told me in her last letter," Tonks said with a small smile. "About time, really!"

"So how did that come about?" I asked. "Molly didn't get told the details, apparently."

Tonks raised her eyebrows, suddenly looking amused for the first time in a long while, and I saw the tiniest shadow of her old self flicker in her face. "I didn't know you were one for teenage gossip, Remus!"

I smiled too. "Just curious," I admitted. "I have a feeling Harry's approach to dating will be a bit different to that of his father's!"

"Which was?" Tonks asked, looking interested.

"Well, to say persistent would be an understatement," I replied. "I think Lily finally agreed to go out with him after his seventh hundred attempt!"

"Really?" Tonks sounded surprised. "I always thought it was love at first sight with them. That's the way you hear it told whenever people talk about them, anyway!"

"Yes, well, I assume most people think that "love at first sight" is a more befitting story for The Chosen One's parents than "James took seven years to realise he was being a prat!" I smiled sadly at the thought of my best friend but was warmed by the sight of Tonks giving me a proper smile. "But I can't see Harry asking Ginny hundreds of times!" I added, recalling Harry's awkward, nervous demeanor around Ginny the last time I had seen them.

"No," Tonks agreed. "By the sounds of it, he didn't even ask her once. Just kissed her in the middle of the common room after their quidditch match."

For some inexplicable reason, we both seemed to find this idea highly amusing, and as I laughed, I felt a jolt in my stomach as I heard Tonks do the same. A jolt because I had completely forgotten how that sound had the power to stir something deep in the centre of my chest. And the reason I had forgotten? Because I had not heard her laugh properly in a very, very long time. This sobering thought was enough to quench my own amusement, and when I looked back at Tonks the grin had left her face as well.

"She seems really happy, anyway." Tonks went on quietly. "Well at least one of us has managed to get what they wanted."

Her tone was suddenly unbearably bitter, as if the laughter we had just shared had not even occurred, and I stared at her sadly. It had been a while since any mention of "us" had come up and, although I knew deep down that I was in complete denial, I had been entertaining the possibility that Tonks had started to move on and accept we were never going to be anything more than friends. The thought didn't fill me with joy - quite the contrary - but it had been my excuse for letting myself get close to her again over the last few weeks, and her comment had instantly shattered the illusion I had carefully constructed in my head, filling me, once again, with guilt for what I was doing to her. She seemed to mistake my self-hatred for annoyance at her comment, for she hunched her shoulders and dropped her gaze.

"Sorry," she muttered, "I didn't mean..." She shrugged, looking so miserable that I felt as if my heart was being pulled out of my chest. How could it be because of me that someone was so desperately unhappy? It probably wasn't all down to me, I tried to tell myself. She had been telling us about her day over dinner; a long, difficult and eventually fruitless chase with Kingsley and two other aurors that had left her physically and mentally exhausted, but I still felt uncomfortably responsible as she put her face in her hands and started to sob.

"Please don't cry," I said desperately, moving closer to her and putting my arm around her, half thinking she was going to shrug it off. But she accepted my attempt at comfort, burying her face in my shoulder just as she had done all those months before, and even though I knew that, this time, the only thing that would make her feel better was the one thing that I couldn't say, I just wrapped my arms round her and held her, each sob breaking my heart a little more, each shake of her shoulders intensifying my feelings of guilt.

Eventually, she sniffed, accepted my tissue and wiped her eyes. Giving a minute, humourless laugh she said, "Some would argue I'm losing my dignity by saying this, but I think it's a bit late for that. Remus, please. Please just give us a chance. I know you feel the same way I do. How many times do I have to tell you that I don't care about the rest?"

"I care," I said heavily. "I care about you. I want what's best for you. I can't bear seeing you this upset. But -" I knew that Tonks wouldn't appreciate hearing all my arguments again, so I did not go into them. But I had to say something. I couldn't just say nothing like I had done at Christmas, not after how kind she had been to me since my return.

I knew what I should say, of course, was well aware that I should tell her that not seeing each other at all would be the best thing for her, but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. Her warm presence had meant everything to me over the last few weeks, and I was still too selfish to distance myself from her entirely. I wanted to be her friend, even though I knew it could be nothing more.

"Friends?" I had offered, all those years before, to Mary, when deep down I had wanted more. And hadn't I paid for my rejection? Hadn't I deeply regretted, in the months that had followed, not letting her into my secret? Hadn't I, many years later, felt a painful blade of envy pierce my heart when I had found out about her marrying someone else? Why was I doing it all over again, with someone I not only liked, but maybe, even-

Because you're not doing this for you, said a cross voice in the back of my head, refusing to even let that thought enter my mind. You're doing what's best for her.

"You deserve so much better than me, Tonks," I said finally. "You really will see that at some point."

Tonks didn't even look hurt, or angry, or mutinous as she had done on previous occasions when I'd tried to let her down as gently as I could. Nor did she look like she'd completely accepted defeat. She just sighed deeply, looking more tired than I had ever seen her, and gave a slight shake of her head before pulling me towards her again.

Was this a new tactic? I wondered wildly, as her arms wound round my neck, her head laid on my shoulder and her short mousy hair brushed against my chin. Her voice muffled against my neck, she said a few words that I didn't quite catch - or perhaps it was just that I didn't want to acknowledge them - as, still bewildered, I breathed in the light, fragrant scent that, even in its lacklustre shade of mouse, was ever-present in her hair.

oOo

Tonks and I did not get a chance to have any more contact for the remainder of my recovery. The very next morning, we received word of an urgent matter up North that needed the Order's attention, and Tonks immediately took it upon herself to take charge of it. Bill also volunteered to go and the two of them were gone for over a week. I worried a lot about them, but thankfully they were able to send daily updates and it was through this that I was reassured that the two of them were alive and well, and the Death Eaters they were tracking had so far not got wind of them so they were making progress.

I was restless. My side was now almost completely better, and I was eager to get back to work, but Molly was strict. "Just rest until they get back," she instructed. "It'll only be a few more days."

I again did as she told me, grateful that at least I would be in the best place to receive news of her, but I missed Tonks' company and, with Arthur and Kingsley occupied with pressing matters at the ministry and Molly too worried about her son to talk, the Burrow instantly became a much more frustrating place to be living in.

Fleur, as worried about Bill as I was about Tonks, surprisingly became quite good company in those few days. Distracting herself with plans for the wedding, she regularly came knocking on my door to ask me what I thought of the chosen colour schemes and centre pieces. I humoured her, glad to be of assistance to someone, and one afternoon, after I had told her, very sincerely, that I thought that the golden phoenixes were a much better cake topping than the silver fairies, she turned her dazzling smile on me. "You 'ave good taste," she said approvingly. "When eet eez your wedding eet will be most beautiful I am sure."

I forced a laugh. "I'm not sure that day will ever come Fleur, but thanks anyway."

Fleur looked at me with what appeared to be genuine surprise. "Yes yes, with Tonks," she said firmly, and when I could think of nothing to say and merely squirmed with embarrassment she breezed on. "Tonks eez in love with you, oui? I heard her telling Molly so. She says she 'as never felt zees way before."

Burying herself in a pile of white fabrics, she missed the look of complete shock that had come over my face as I stared back at her.

In love. The words that had may have been thought, hinted at and maybe even mumbled indistinctly, but that had never truly been acknowledged. The words that I had tried not to think about ever since learning that Tonks' patronus had changed its form, knowing deep down what the only reason for this could be. The words that, before hearing them out loud, I could pretend weren't true, telling myself that Tonks simply had a sort of crush on me because I was an older man with a dark past, that she was still merely entertaining a fantasy about bringing me out of my shell, and that soon it would all blow over and she would realise that she could do far better.

"Do you love her?" James had asked me bluntly in our seventh year, after I had been going out with Mary for several months. "I- I don't really know," had been my completely honest reply. But had I been asked the same question about Tonks, right there and then, I could not have given the same reply with such sincerity. I had known for quite a while how I felt about her, probably ever since Sirius had given me that rare, serious speech and forced me to confront my feelings. But a lot had changed since then, and in any case, my own feelings were not the ones at stake here.

Nevertheless, I don't think Fleur could have possibly imagined the impact that she had on me, nor appreciated how much those two little words caught me off guard and stirred up the firm resolve that I had made upon Tonks departure for the mission - that I would back off, for her own good, and let her move on. It was those two simple words, in love, that first flashed through my mind when I heard Tonks and Bill returning to the Burrow late that night, that swayed my heart more than any other argument - whether from Sirius, Molly, Ginny, or Tonks herself - had in the past year, and, when Tonks paused outside my room on her way up to bed to see if I was still awake, it was the thought of those two words that prevented me from feigning sleep, that compelled me to open the door. And as I stood in front of her, taking in her tired expression as she nevertheless gave me a warm smile of greeting, as I realised just how much I'd missed her over the last week, as I returned her tight embrace, it was the thought of those words that stopped me from pushing her away again when, very tentatively, her lips brushed against mine for a third time.

And this time, I did not end the kiss abruptly, I did not push her away, and I did not recite to her a long list of excuses that she had already heard numerous times before. Instead, I allowed the desire that I had felt only once before to consume me entirely. I let the kiss continue in the dark privacy of the bedroom, and I let it go further, well beyond the point of no return, forgetting every reason I had not to be with her and hearing only those two words again and again in my mind as we lay, breathing heavily, in a stunned but satisfied silence and I pulled her closer towards me. And as she laid her head on my chest, directly over my heart, it was as if its rhythmic drumming was beating out those words over and over again. The words that I had never, in all my life, thought would be said about me. The words that, for better or for worse, had just sent me down a path from which there would be no going back.

a/n Rereading this chapter it seems a little confused.. but I'm hoping that will just help to convey Remus's state of mind. I always saw something happening between them before the hospital scene, although I know some readers might feel differently. Remus probably isn't going to come off particularly well in the next chapter but hopefully will redeem himself.

There's not very many chapters left now, I hope to have the story finished in the next week or so because I'm going away for a while after than and won't have much time to write.

Please review :)