Chapter 36: Skyway

"What is Sheen like? Is she pretty? Is she strict? Is she coming here any time soon?" Mina is in rapid-fire Q&A mode. Meanwhile, I've been focusing more on making the perfect vegetable wrap because I don't want to give away anything that might get me in trouble. PD-nim gave me express instructions to NOT talk to anyone about the fact that I'm mulling over an offer from BigHit and from my own company. So I let Jenny answer all of Mina's questions about meeting Jackson's Chinese manager despite the glare she's giving me across the table.

"She is pretty—the normal kind of pretty." Jenny says. "She dresses nicely and she's model-thin. She's not strict at all, it's almost like she's been friends with Jackson for a long time—"

"But that's Jackson, we all know what Jackson's like..." Mina argues.

"No, but she's the same with Mark. She's really friendly toward him and we all know Mark. He's cold and detached and totally not someone you'd easily be friends with," Jenny observes while flipping the meat on the grill. Mina nods in agreement. The three of us have been working with GOT7 way too long now, we could almost write a tell-all on each member's personality.

"That's true, but then again Love and Mark hit it off pretty easily so maybe there are exceptions to the rule." Mina's statement makes me choke on my vegetable wrap. "Aigoo... Cheoncheonhi hae?!" [Oh no... Will you slow down?!] She hands me a glass of water which I immediately drink. "So how did you do it?" Mina suddenly asks again.

"Mwo?"

"How did you manage to get close to Mark?"

"Ani! I'm more close to Jackson and BamBam, actually," I answer in haste. It isn't fully a lie. These days I talk to them more than anyone else.

"Yah... Geojismal hajima! [Hey... Stop lying!] I remember that night at the resort very clearly," Her voice is stern and the look on her face is resolute. It's the same look she gave me when we got back into the room and she asked why Mark was up and about in the dead of night with Coco. She was right all along. She was right about how weird it was that Mark went out that night to walk his beloved dog and chanced upon me. I wonder what she'd say if I tell her...

But I dont. I won't.

Despite the fact that I consider Mina and Jenny and Nawoon my friends, I would much rather keep the truth from them if it means I get to save them from the burden of carrying my secret. Besides, they'll be greatly disappointed in me, I just know it.

Even I had no idea that Mark and I are very different people until we got to talk after the MAMA after-party. Maybe it's the physical attraction. Maybe it's the crazy hormones. Maybe it's the thrill of our secret arrangement that drove both of us nuts. But after sitting down with him that night I learned that we're opposites in almost everything. Where I do things for fun sometimes even without a plan, Mark has always been about rules and planning. And while we both know that what we're doing is wrong on so many levels, he revealed that he wanted to date me officially because he wants to "make things right for us". I refused to talk about the future in the same manner he did, but I did tell him that I really just don't want to make things more complicated than it is now. By the end of it all we just gave up and decided to give ourselves time to think—which is why we haven't spoken or met at all since coming back to Korea.

"It's just because of Coco, it was an accident," I reiterate, earning me an eye roll from Mina. I wish it really was an accident. I wish we both didn't act on a whim. I wish I didn't swim in the first place. When it comes right down to it, I realize that night changed the course of the past year big time. Now I'm suddenly finding myself scared of making any big decisions, delaying my career path further. "Besides, he's younger than me."

"Namjoon is younger than you too but you two went out for coffee," Jenny grumbles. That's when my chopsticks drop. Twitter is faster than my wit could ever be. "Not that I'm saying it's wrong, I'm just surprised. I saw you two at MAMA, you know..."

"Are you mad because I didn't get to introduce you to Taehyung? I already said sorry..." I whine. Jenny shrugs, looking defeated. Mina watches us with a gobsmacked look on her face.

"Can you please explain yourself?!" She finally interrupts. "Are you dating Rap Monster?"

"No, I met up with him and his manager over coffee twice. It wasn't a date, it was an errand." I say, still unsure as to how I could paraphrase my explanation so I don't give anything away accidentally.

"What did you talk about? AND WHAT HAPPENED AT MAMA?!" Mina is restless now, perhaps even angry because she didn't get to go. I'm listlessly fidgeting with the lettuce and Jenny is nervously shifting her gaze between me and Mina. The atmosphere is getting thicker and it's not just because of the after-work samgyupsal.

"Well, the first one was because he gave me tickets to see their show and the second one was about my DJ gigs. He asked me how I learned to DJ at MAMA so I explained it to him and we talked a bit about a possible collab this year..." I answer. That one's true, but we did also talk about BigHit's offer. I was at their agency that morning for a private meeting with Bang PD-nim and JYP was right, they still don't have a solid framework. They do know that they want new talents like me. It doesn't matter that I'm past my early twenties, he says I look 24 anyway. He asked me if I'm interested in becoming an idol as he's working on building a girl group but I refused. No, not that route. Absolutely not. Surprisingly, Namjoon's advice is to not take the offer if it doesn't align with what I have in mind for the future. Somehow his maturity impressed me more than his straight English did.

"Wow, you're going big..." Mina says, sounding unimpressed. I still don't know what her problem is. It's not like I begged to come to MAMA. If anything the whole experience sapped all of my energy, what with all the socializing and all the ass-kissing I had to.

Jenny decides to clear the air up by telling Mina the lowdown of what happened backstage with Taehyung, what he looked like in person, how cute and giggly he is. Mina's face is growing more and more palid as she talks. "FYI, I'm not mad you didn't introduce us. It's enough that I got to see him up close." Jenny grins at me before placing more meat on my plate. I throw her a grateful smile. It's a good thing she's here because it would've been so awkward if it was just me and Mina's damp mood.

Jenny goes on excitedly about the glam team my mother sent us, saying she's never been dolled up like that before EVER in her life. She shows Mina pictures of the event, pictures of the day after MAMA when we finally got to explore Hong Kong on our own, videos of the fans waiting at the airport for our delegation, videos of GOT7 at the dressing room huddling together in celebration of their first ever MAMA award. Mina's face softens a little upon seeing that. "I saw the performance on TV, they were daebak," She says and both Jenny and I nod. It was an emotional night for everyone. In hindsight, Mark probably felt all the pressure of his idol career leaving him, which finally allowed him to open up to me. Meanwhile, I was in such a chaotic, emotional state since coming to Hong Kong that being with someone I trust finally allowed me to break and breathe. It was like that for us—a breather. It's like coming for air after a long sprint in an Olympic-size pool.

I insist to drive both Jenny and Mina home, owing it to the large amount of soju shots they both took. Jenny looks fine, she doesn't get drunk as easily. But Mina is already slumped in the backseat, her eyeglasses askew. It's a good thing Jenny knows her address and was able to put it in my GPS.

"Hey," Jenny slurs in perfect English while taking her seat belt off. "Be patient with Mina. It's not her fault she's in the dark. And one more thing..." Jenny raises a finger at me, her black eyes narrowing into tiny slits. "Just... For the record. I am Team Namjoon, not Team Mark. Araso?" My eyes go wide and she chuckles as she takes her leave. I stare at her disappearing figure as she enters the apartment complex.

"I heard that," Mina grumbles in her solidly drunk state. I've never seen her this drunk before, probably because we've only been drinking together in my apartment and she never lets her guard down when JB is in the vicinity. "I heard that... You, and Mark, and Rap Monsh—" She hiccups and laughs and sighs.

"Jenny's drunk she doesn't know what she's saying," I say backing out carefully into the main street.

"Aisshhh... Baboga anieyo! [I'm not stupid!] I've been trying not to show my feelings for JB for a year now... Because we're colleagues... Because I need to be a professional... We're at work. We're—"

"Mina, hajima... Uli ssaujimalja..." [Mina, stop... Let's not fight...] I sigh while looking cautiously at my drunk passenger through the rear-view mirror.

"No, I'm not done speaking. I don't hate you..." She answers sorrowfully. Her eyes are closed and her arms are flailing around while she speaks weakly. "I just hate it... I hate that you're so close with the boys, and that you and Mark—I mean, there's obviously something there! I hate that I had to pick up your slack when you left for Hong Kong, and I hate that I was alone... And I was sad... And I was tired. And I thought maybe I wasn't good enough and..." Then she starts crying, bawling her eyes out. MAMA was more than a month ago but we were all so busy preparing for the next comeback that we had to let our feelings take a step back.

"We're just friends, you know that. I'm sorry, I didn't want to be at MAMA, I know you deserved to be there more than I did and believe me I tried..." I explain in English, knowing she understands anyway. "They sent me there as a collateral, not as an employee. I felt like I was being held for ransom—do you know what that feels like?!"

"Well then why am I still getting all the dirty work? You... You're getting less and less work now. Is that still part of the kidnap? What does the company need from you anyway?" She asks, almost screaming now while attempting to wipe her tears away.

"I don't know! I really don't know..." It's partly true. By now I know that our bosses are giving me less editing work because I need to transition to music production somehow and that's one thing I can't discuss with Mina—even in her drunken state.

"Well it's unfair!" She spits in bitter English, making me bite my lower lip. I don't talk back, I just let her roll into a ball in the backseat as I drive. She's right. It's unfair. Everything I've done so far has been to my advantage and it's unfair for everyone— for Mina, for Mark, for Jackson, even for JB and the rest of the members. It's unfair for JYP PD-nim who trusts me. It's unfair for Sheen who I barely got to know but is now reportedly working on my DJ training framework. It's unfair for Jenny who's suddenly about to be shipped to Bangkok. It's unfair, even for me.

I didn't even plan for all of this to happen. All I wanted at 22 was to live in Seoul with Liv and work with K-Pop idols and now we're both doing what we've always wanted to do but this... This is the price I have to pay for a few nights of fun. I found potential. I found a new dream, but it's costly and it's unfair. For the first time in my life I suddenly feel like I haven't earned my place and it took one drunken bout with a work friend to make me realize that.

I wipe my tears as I pull up before Mina's apartment. It's small and shabby and definitely not as conducive for comfortable living, nor is it close to where we work. How lucky am I that I get to live in a fucking penthouse using my parents' money as downpayment? How lucky am I that I get to pay for my sky-high rent with the gig money I earned because of my parents' influence. I probably wouldn't be a DJ if my last name didn't matter. Mina collects her things and leaves the car wordlessly.

I finally let my guard down when I step into my apartment. Everything around me looks clean and pretty and orderly but my life, as I know it, is in chaos. I wish I could keep on vacuuming all the bad feelings but I can't.

Mark: Baby, odiya?

I don't answer his message. I don't even pick up the phone when he calls. I sit on the sofa, still in my jeans, plain black shirt and pink socks, feeling a hundred times emptier than when I first slept in this apartment with just one mattress.

Jackson: Where are you?

Jackson: Answer your phone please, Mark is worried

Mina's tear-streaked face haunts me again, and I can't help but hate myself for all the crazy ass decisions that brought me here. The door opens without me even noticing because my head is buried in my arms, arms hugging my knees.

"Hey... Baby... Hey, come on... What's wrong? What happened?" Mark's voice is strained and low, his hand gently patting my head. He sits beside me on the sofa and rubs my back as I sob before pulling me closer to him, placing my head against his chest.

Thankfully he doesn't talk. All he does is console me and hug me as I heave and sob wordlessly. When my tears finally stop he takes my hand and guides me to the bathroom. He fills the tub with warm soapy water and helps me out of my clothes and into the bath tub. "Talk when you feel like talking. Okay, Baby? Do you want anything?" He asks while his fingers make tiny circles in my bath water. "Wine?"

"Yeah..." I answer weakly. Maybe that's all I need. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight without some help. Mark leaves me, and while he's gone I can't help but wonder if we'll end up naked under the sheets again. Frankly, I'm not in the mood. But if it helps put me to sleep soundly, then maybe I'll be fine with it...

But we don't.

After talking about my heated discussion with Mina, finishing three glasses of wine, and cleaning up, Mark waits for me to dress in a pair of comfy pajamas and tucks me into bed silently with a kiss on my forehead. He's still there when I wake up, wearing fresh clothes and making pancakes and coffee, the sofa bed in the living room unraveled and slept on.