Chapter 34 – Part 34

Disclaimer: Yep, I REALLY own nothing.

I'm back! And, hopefully, with a vengeance. I know that it's been a year (roughly) since I last posted something, but I hope to do some more writing here. I can't promise regularity, but I'm hoping that it'll be less than a year before I post another installment to the Idiot's Guide. But hey, I'm starting grad school and going to school to be a librarian definitely provides some darn good material.

Belated acknowledgement: sciencefictionsquirrel: for Rule 768 in Chapter 33. I am so sorry that I didn't credit you and that it took me so long to do this! You are hilarious!

This chapter contains rules entirely written by me! Wow! It's been a while since one of those has happened! Anyway, I got onto a roll and these are the things that I came up with! Enjoy!

Jen and Ronon were both extremely happy people, Elizabeth noted, the day that they came back from Earth. Of course, since they had just come back from their honeymoon, the entire Expedition decided to welcome them back in the only way that they knew how – with insanity.

779. Weddings are nice.

A. Just don't force people to have them for your own sake.

As a result of Ronon and Jen, the Marine Brigade realized that Anne and Zek hadn't had a wedding on base. They had been married off-world, not that it had really mattered, once Elizabeth had gotten the paper-work sorted out. Both were trying to avoid the large groups of Marines who wanted to have another wedding on Atlantis soon.

780. You are not allowed to have jet-skis.

John had tried. Carson shot that one down immediately.

781. Do not take any blowing bubbles off-world.

A. Nine times out of ten, the natives will want some.

B. Or be deathly terrified of them.

Multiple teams had been chased off or simply ran off worlds because of the native's reactions. Elizabeth was not necessarily happy when she found out the reason why. Colonel Caldwell had informed her, later, that the Marine Brigade had been the ones who had started and it had grown increasingly from there. He hadn't thought much of their requests. After all, the Expedition had requested much weirder things from Earth that the Daedalus had brought over.

782. James Bond is a fictional character.

A. You are not allowed to have him brought to Atlantis.

More than a few people had put in such requests. Elizabeth thought that they were funny. The SGC and the IOA didn't.

783. Cardboard forts may only be built in your free time.

She wasn't going to put a stop to that, despite what the SGC said. It was actually quite entertaining to see the complexity of the forts that were being built. Right now, the big competition was between the Smart Camp's Hogwart's Castle and the Marine Brigade's White House. Though, she didn't know where they kept getting all that cardboard. Coldwell didn't say anything

784. Do not perform chest bumps while off-world.

It wasn't that they were getting extremely carried away with a new fad. Elizabeth had just noticed a new pattern that was evolving as a direct result of some of their nuttiness.

785. No Monorail systems.

The Smart Camp had wanted to build a Monorail system around Atlantis. That sounded completely ridiculous and she had nipped that one in the bud as soon as she had heard about it.

786. Keep all hot glue guns away from George.

A. He doesn't like them.

Someone hadn't. George threw a fit. It wasn't pretty the next day. Now no one was allowed to keep the hot glue guns in the three labs surrounding whatever lab George happened to be working in on any given day. Suffice to say, everybody was pitching in on the hot glue gun rotation schedule.

787. Reversing the magnetic poles may only be done under the direst of situations.

A. And only if really necessary.

The Smart Camp had gotten way too bored one day and, to no one's surprise, had figured out how to reverse the magnetic poles of the planet. What was surprising was that, despite the messing up of directions, nothing else really changed. Apparently, as George had reasoned, the Ancients had done it multiple times before.

Elizabeth suppressed the urge to laugh when Rodney had come barging into her office with the manic plans to figure out how to do this on other planets, to mess up anyone who might attack them. The man needed a break, so Elizabeth was sending him back to Earth early to visit with his sister.

788. In Dr. McKay's absence, Dr. Zalenka is in command of the Smart Camp.

A. He's been here just as long as Dr. McKay.

B. Remember, he's also a member of the Alliance.

That had gotten more than a few newer, younger scientists to shut up. Radek had been thoroughly pissed off when one had insinuated that he wasn't as qualified as said newer recruit to lead the division.

Dr. Gorl was eating his words now, especially when the paint-ball guns had been broken out.

789. Keep the Scrabble tournaments calm.

A. Don't hurt each other.

B. Remember the hazards of the great Monopoly tournaments.

The Marine Brigade and the Smart Camp had gone at each other's throats (quite literally) over an all-out Scrabble tournament. The brawl had been so bad that Carson had put several members of each side on bed rest until their broken bones and other internal injuries had successfully healed.

790. No impersonating Tim the Enchanter off-world.

A. Or any other character from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

B. The natives really won't get it.

A-10 had tried. A-13 had copied them. It had ended very badly. Elizabeth had to deal with the fact that both teams had come back and, in their mission de-briefs, had explained that they had quoted the movie and the natives had gotten very confused. She was just happy that A-6 hadn't gotten that idea. Joshua was extremely dangerous when around anything that could be considered flammable.

791. Do not quote the "Ex-Parrot" speech when around Polly.

A. Or suffer the consequences of your actions.

B. Remember that Polly is a VERY large parrot.

C. And remember who her owners are.

A pair of marines had launched into the dialogue after seeing Polly. That fad had quickly caught on. Polly didn't like it. She took her revenge on them. And so did A-6. It wasn't pretty.

792. You may not have the Penguins of Madagascar.

The fact that the Expedition had gotten their hands on the show and loved it honestly didn't surprise her. She just had to convince them that getting the penguins was the hard part.

793. Skeleton gloves are not acceptable parts of the uniform.

A. At least when you're off-world.

B. Even if the uniform laws are pretty lax out here.

The Rebel Alliance had decided that, since they couldn't get matching tattoos, like the Alliance, they were going to get Halloween skeleton gloves. Two weeks later, Elizabeth decided that it would be a good idea to only allow them to wear said gloves when on Atlantis.

794. Do not graffiti the Wall.

Someone had. The Marine Brigade immediately went on a man-hunt. It wasn't going to end pretty.

795. No flash mobs off-world.

A. Seriously?

She wasn't sure if it was the Marine Brigades or the Smart Camp who had first come up with the idea but, when half the Fleet disappeared one night, only to return the next afternoon with most of the Expedition, Elizabeth was furious.

796. No pranking Dr. Keller or Ronon to let you time-travel back to their Earth-wedding.

They had decided to have the Atlantis-wedding for that specific reason, but most of the Expedition still wanted to see them get married (again).

797. In the absence of the Master, A-1, and the Alliance, Mr. Woolsey will be running things.

In retrospect, Elizabeth knew that this was important. She had learned the hard way, when she had left for Jen and Ronon's Earth wedding.

The rest of A-1, as well as the Alliance, Anne's family, and a few choice members of the medical staff had gone with her. Elizabeth wanted to stay on the safe side, while they were all away. Woolsey had been honored that she put enough trust in him to oversee things while they were gone. He had been there for the Atlantis-wedding and he was well-aware of the Expedition's insanity..

In the back of her mind, Elizabeth remembered that the Earth-wedding was quite insane, especially with members of the SG-C there, as well as the President and his family. She had to smile. Most of Jen's family didn't know that Jen was such good friends with the President or that her co-workers (along with herself and her new husband) were (to put it kindly) bordering on bat-shit insane.

It had been a great wedding.

So what did you all think? Liked? Disliked? Please review and let me know. I do love your feedback.

Also, I will be doing my darndest to keep producing funnies, so here's hoping that the Muse (and my perverted sense of humor) can produce some funnies soon enough!