Long Ago, Before Many Things We Now Know
"What the heck just happened?" Jimmy Hoffa gasped with his eyes darting back and forth among the Acolytes. "Who are you people? Where have you taken me?"
"Uh," Piotr stuttered in befuddlement.
"Hey! We picked up a stowaway," Pyro chirped. "Neat!"
"Boy did he ever pick the wrong trip," Sabertooth snorted.
"I know how he feels," Mastermind groaned holding his head. "Why didn't I let Magneto kill me when I had the chance?"
"Eh, everyone makes mistakes," Remy quipped. "At least you lived to regret it."
"What do you people want? What happened to the car? Where the heck am I?" Hoffa demanded rapidly.
"More like when the heck are you," Sabertooth grunted.
"Huh?" Hoffa blinked and glanced at his wristwatch. "What are you talking about?"
"Should we answer him?" Piotr whispered.
"Couldn't if we wanted to," Remy glanced down to see one of the machine's screens displaying random numbers and symbols. "At least not yet."
"We will figure it out later," Mastermind winced while trying to overcome his disorientation. "Ohhh, and I thought the tinnitus was bad before. Now it is making it seem like everything is shaking!"
"Everything is shaking," Sabertooth felt the earth vibrate beneath them while trying to clear his head. "And something is really starting to stink..."
GLLLUUUMMMP!
A huge set of jaws full of sharp teeth shot down and clamped over Sabertooth.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Mastermind shrieked and fell back as another set of teeth-lined jaws nearly chomped down on him as well. "HOLY #&*$!"
"Oh my gosh!" Pyro gawked at the pair of powerful legs, towering torso and massive bony crested head flanked with red tiger stripes. "It's an Allosaurus!"
"A what!" Remy yelped diving out of the way.
"It is a dinosaur!" Piotr stood dumbstruck as the mighty beast burst fully into view. Its naturally camouflaged hide blended nearly perfectly with the foliage.
"AAAGGGUUUHHHHHH!" The first Allosaurus reared back with Sabertooth's upper body clamped in its jaws. The Allosaurus appeared to be male and was noticeably brighter colored than the second.
"Piotr! Look out!" Remy shouted.
"Huh? Oh, right!" Piotr snapped out of his daze and armored up as the second Allosaurus nearly ran him over. This one appeared to be female and was significantly larger than the male.
"HELP ME!" Pyro yelped running around like mad. "LET ME LOOSE! I DON'T WANNA BE A DINO SNACK!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Hoffa screamed and took off into the ferns only to run head-first into a tree.
WHAM!
"Oooh..." Hoffa warbled and passed out.
"SOMEBODY SAVE ME!" Mastermind screeched while desperately trying to avoid the unstoppable engine of claws and teeth. "I DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN!"
"GGGRRRAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Sabertooth's hand burst through the cheek of the male Allosaurus from the inside. He struggled to claw at its throat and break the joints of its jaws.
SNAP!
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Mastermind tripped and fell as the huge female Allosaurus bore down on him.
"Urrraaah!" Piotr ran up and just barely managed to knock the Allosaurus off course.
"There!" Remy used his powers to undo the last strap of Pyro's makeshift straitjacket.
"Alright!" Pyro grinned and quickly stretched his arms before unleashing a torrent of newly freed flames. "TAKE THIS YOU OVERGROWN EMU!"
WHOOOSSSHHH!
The female Allosaurus froze as a wall of fire appeared in front of her. She backed off a few paces before rearing back her head.
"KLIIIRRRP!"
"Did...did that thing just chirp?" Remy blinked.
"I think it did," Piotr confirmed in shock. "A very loud chirp."
"I thought dinosaurs were supposed to roar and bellow," Remy stared in confusion. "Not sound like a two-ton, beefed-up canary."
"WHO CARES WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE?" A helpless Mastermind wailed as the Allosaurus began advancing despite the flames. "JUST DON'T LET IT EAT ME!"
"No problem, mate. Take this!" Pyro increased the intensity of the flames.
The Allosaurus tried to press on, but was forced back by the heat and finally retreated into the forest.
"Gah?" Mastermind blinked and stared at the source of his salvation. "Pyro, I am your slave for life!"
"RRROOOAAARRRRRR!" Sabertooth freed himself by prying open wide the mouth of the male Allosaurus and ripping off its entire lower jaw. He then leapt at it and managed to tear open its throat. The mighty theropod staggered for a moment before falling to the ground with a crash.
"Oh my!" Piotr stood stunned at the downed dinosaur.
"Hooley dooley!" Pyro let the wall of fire go out in amazement.
"Ohhh," Mastermind whimpered while curled up in a fetal position. "I can't believe I survived...I can't believe I survived..."
"YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT PUNK!" Sabertooth roared over his opponent while covered in saliva and with his midsection full of puncture wounds. He ripped out a pair of four-inch long teeth from the skull of the Allosaurus and held them up in triumph. "WHO'S DA KING? WHO'S DA KING?"
"Great, now he's gonna calling himself Sabertooth Rex," Remy quipped. "Though I have to admit, he actually might have earned it."
"Actually, Tyrannosaurus is usually the one associated with the name 'Rex'," Pyro noted. "Not Allosaurus."
"Whatever," Remy shrugged.
"Excuse me," Mastermind twitched and shakily got to his feet. "How can you all be calming standing around talking about minutiae while we were nearly eaten by LIVING, BREATHING DINOSAURS?! ACTUAL BLOODY DINOSAURS?!"
"Well, I'm still coming down from my adrenaline rush," Remy said. "Give me a minute to work up a nice, soothing panic attack."
"It was not so bad," Piotr noted. "We are all still alive. Just stay calm."
"ARE YOU CRAZY?!" Mastermind shrieked in a very high voice. "I WAS NEARLY EATEN ALIVE BY A DINOSAUR! I WILL NOT STAY CALM!"
"How about you stay quiet?" Sabertooth growled. "Unless you want the other dinosaur to come back!"
"MMMMPPPHHH!" Mastermind's eyes bulged and quickly covered his mouth with both hands.
"I wish it would come back," Pyro said looking around the forest. "I wanna see it again."
"Are you insane?!" Remy gasped. "What am I saying?"
"Think about it, mate," Pyro said excitedly. "We're the first people to ever see real live dinosaurs! Not robots. Not special effects. Real! It's a miracle! And what's the first thing we do? We kill one!"
"I killed one!" Sabertooth grunted proudly. "It was trying to eat me. So I killed it!"
"Huuuhhhhhh..."
Everyone turned as the downed dinosaur began to twitch and move. "You were saying?" Remy managed to get out.
"No way," Sabertooth gaped in shock.
The stunned Acolytes stared as the Allosaurus slowly got to its feet; it's breathing gradually growing stronger. They also noticed that its throat had stopped bleeding and its lower jaw was slowly but surely starting to grow back.
"Oh my gosh," Piotr gawked.
"It's impossible!" Remy stuttered.
"Mmmph?" Mastermind nearly fainted.
"I don't believe it!" Sabertooth gaped. "That thing has a healing factor!"
"AH HA!" Pyro whooped gleefully and began doing a happy dance. "I knew it! I knew we'd encounter a mutant dinosaur someday! And today is that day! Yahoo! Hooray!"
The still healing Allosaurus slowly turned and began advancing toward them. "Oh no, not again!" Mastermind wailed.
"Get outta here, ya punk!" Sabertooth roared readying his claws. "I beat you once, I can do it again! My healing factor is eons better than yours!"
The Allosaurus stopped, noticing Sabertooth's display. It hesitated for a moment before twitching in pain and reluctantly retreated deeper into the forest.
"Ha! What did I tell ya?" Sabertooth puffed up proudly. "That thing's not so tough. It's just a big, overgrown chicken!"
"I am surprised it still tried to eat us," Piotr commented. "It must be very hungry."
"It didn't look like it was hungry," Remy paused to think for a moment. "In fact, both of those dinosaurs tried more to kill us than eat us."
"There's a difference?!" Mastermind shrieked.
"Of course there is," Pyro chimed in. "Animals kill to eat, but also to defend their territory, ward off rivals or to protect their..."
"Klirp!"
"Huh?" Remy turned to see several ferns rustling. "What's that?"
"Let me check," Piotr cautiously moved among the ferns before carefully reaching down to part them. "Oh!"
"Klirp!" A clutch of half a dozen allosaurus babies peered up at him. They were about thirty inches long, had big eyes and a slight ring of fluffy red-white down around their necks and along their spines.
"What is it?" Pyro asked as he and the others joined Piotr. "Oh, how cute!"
"Yeah, real cute," Sabertooth mocked right before a baby allosaurus began to nuzzle his leg. "Hey!"
"They sure are friendly," Remy commented as the babies sniffed the mutants experimentally. Two of them rubbed themselves against the unconscious form of Hoffa nearby. "Those two big ones must have been their parents."
"That explains why they tried to kill us," Pyro smiled. "They were just protecting their babies."
"They are cute," Piotr said while petting a baby allosaurus. "I like them better this way instead of when they are grown up."
"I don't like them either way...ow!" Mastermind yelped clutching his hand. "It just bit me!"
"No, don't do that!" Pyro scolded the baby allosaurus. "You'll get rabies!"
"It was probably just playing or something," Remy said while stroking another one. "It didn't even break your skin. Besides, they aren't biting the rest of us."
"Figures," Mastermind grumbled. "Ow!"
"Are you sure this is safe?" Piotr looked around worriedly. "What if the parents come back?"
"Well we can't just leave them here," Pyro protested vigorously. "These little ankle-biters are all poor and defenseless!"
"They're defenseless...ow!" Mastermind yelped clutching his behind. "YAHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME!"
"Hey, come back here!" Pyro shouted as Mastermind ran of with the allosaurus babies nipping at his heels.
"Wait for us!" Remy yelled as Piotr picked up Hoffa and slung him over his shoulder.
"Stop running Masty! They just want to be your friend!" Pyro encouraged as the Acolytes ran after Mastermind
"THEY WANT TO HAVE ME FOR DINNER!" Mastermind yelled scrambling around a ginkgo tree. "HELP!"
"So we'll go and have them for dinner," Sabertooth suggested as they reached the end of the forest. "Bet they taste like chicken...ooof!"
"Oh my," Piotr ignored Sabertooth running into him from behind and stared in wonder at the natural panorama stretched before them.
"Wow!" Pyro squealed jumping up and down in excitement. "Look! There's a herd of Camptosaurus over there! Followed by an even larger group of Dryosaurus! In the middle of the field is a herd of Stegosaurus! And overhead and in the trees are lots of little pterosaurs called Anurognathus!"
"It's beautiful!" Piotr gazed around in awe.
"Whoa," Remy marveled at the sight. "This alone makes this whole stupid time travel trip worth it."
THOOOMB! THOOOMB! THOOOMB!
"What the?" The earth shook as a graceful Apatosaurus family appeared following the edge of the forest along with a towering Brachiosaurus trio.
"Look out!" Remy yelled as he, Pyro and Sabertooth scrambled to get out of their way.
"Gah?" Piotr stood awestruck as the majestic titans walked by close enough to touch. One immense Brachiosaurus actually passed right over him.
"Ooo, my head. What happened?" Hoffa groaned and opened his eyes. He took one look at the living mountains of flesh soaring overhead and immediately passed out again.
"Piotr! You okay?" Remy called out.
"I am fine," Piotr smiled and began laughing with childlike joy. "Just fine!"
"AAAUUUGGGHHH!" Mastermind ran around with the allosaurus babies playfully hopping after him. "GET AWAY! GET AWAY!"
"Hey, look at that!" Pyro pointed as the Stegosaurus herd moved closer to them. "They're all dark blue!"
"The tops of them are anyway," Remy noted the skin coloration of their backs. "Man, that is one funny-looking animal."
"More like stupid-looking," Sabertooth sneered at a narrow head of a Stegosaurus. "Especially the plates. They don't even do anything!"
WHUUUOOOH!
"Huh?" Remy blinked at the colorful, leathery-looking plates for a moment. "Did that thing just whistle?"
"It did!" Pyro squealed excitedly. "See all those holes in the covering of each plate? They must combine with the bones to act like weird wind tubes or something when air is forced through them!"
"Are you kidding?" Sabertooth snapped. "That is the stupidest thing I've ever..."
WHUUUOOOH! WHUUUOOOH! WHUUUOOOH!
"You were saying?" Remy gave him a look as the Stegosaurus herd began to sound like an organic collection of didgeridoo pipe organs.
"Did you hear that?" Piotr walked up to them carrying a still limp Hoffa. "Those dinosaurs are singing!"
"They're not singing," Sabertooth growled. "They're just acting like a bunch of stupid, overgrown wind chimes!"
"Oh, too bad," Piotr looked disappointed.
"Don't listen to him, mate. We've seen wonders today!" Pyro laughed happily. "Think about it! We've seen dinosaurs chirp! Dinosaurs make music! Dinosaurs that are mutants!"
"One dinosaur was a mutant," Remy corrected. "That doesn't mean there are others."
"Uh oh," Piotr noticed a group of small, bipedal dinosaurs running across the grassland toward a baby stegosaurs that had wandered off. They were about three feet high and twice as long.
"Oh no! Those are Ornitholestes!" Pyro cried at the sight. "Run mate, run!"
"I can not watch," Piotr shielded his eyes.
FA-WHOOOSSSH!
"Holy," Remy gaped as the plates of the baby stegosaurs suddenly erupted into flames.
"Firebug you maniac! Why did you do that?" Sabertooth roared.
"That wasn't me," Pyro gazed in shock at the sight.
"Huh? Then where the heck did those flames...?" Sabertooth trailed off. "Oh no. No, no, no!"
"Oh yeah! It's true!" Pyro whooped as the Ornitholestes were stopped by the fire-topped stegosaurus. They hesitated for a moment before leaving to find a less flame covered animal. "That beautiful little tacker is a mutant! A fire-making mutant! YAY!"
"You gotta be kidding me," Remy groaned as the baby stegosaurus extinguished itself and trotted back toward its mother. "If a group of paleontologists ever learned about this they'd have fits!"
"WAAAHHHHHH! WILL SOMEBODY HELP HERE?!" Mastermind wailed as the allosaurus babies mobbed him. "AAAUUUGGGHHH! MY LEG!"
"They are not the only ones," Piotr sighed. "Maybe we should leave now while we have a chance."
"Can't. The machine is still cooling down," Remy glanced at a screen. "But it's finally cleared up." He read the given readout aloud:
November 3, 151,207,218 B.C.
Central Lowlands, Western Laurasia
"151 million," Remy staggered at the number in amazement. "I didn't think that was possible!"
"Uh, where is Laurasia?" Piotr looked confused.
"It's an ancient continent," Pyro explained. "Like Pangaea or Gondwanaland."
"How do you know all this?" Sabertooth glared at him.
"I read all the file cards that came with my toy dinosaur figures when I was a tacker," Pyro grinned proudly. "I knew they'd come in handy someday!"
"So what do we do now?" Piotr eyed the Ornitholestes in concern.
"We're stuck millions of years in the past surrounded by dinosaurs that could eat us, impale us or squash us like a bug," Remy gave him a look. "What do you think we're gonna do?"
Ten minutes later...
"WAAAHOOOOOO!" Pyro whooped in euphoria while perched between the plates of a fully-grown Stegosaurus. "This is the greatest day of my life!"
"Mine too!" Piotr smiled riding on the back of a Brachiosaurus. Both dinosaurs completely ignored their mutant occupants.
"Alright kiddies, here ya go," Sabertooth fed bits of a freshly killed Othnielosaurus to the allosaurus babies. They stopped nuzzling the unconscious form of Hoffa and eagerly tore into the fresh meat. "I gotta admit, you lot are starting to grow on me."
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Mastermind was now running from the group of excited Ornitholestes. "WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS TRYING TO EAT ME?!"
"Because you're the cultured, civilized one," Remy quipped from his perch on the back of an Apatosaurus. "They know you have good taste!"
"Come on, you big beauty. Just reel off one round of flame for your pal Pyro," Pyro coaxed while rubbing the Stegosaurus between its plates. The Stegosaurus began to chirp contently. "Hey, I think it's purring!"
"Really? Let me try," Remy rubbed the back of the Apatosaurus only for it to shake and chitter wildly. "Is this thing laughing?"
"I think it is," Piotr blinked at the convulsing giant. "It must be very ticklish."
"Hey, what's wrong down there?" Pyro leapt down from the Stegosaurus and approached a young Camptosaurus that was chattering in pain. "Whoa, hold still, mate!" Pyro carefully removed a two-foot-long splinter from its foot. "There ya go!"
The Camptosaurus blinked for a moment before standing up to place its front feet on Pyro's shoulders and began licking his face.
"Ewww, that's cute!" Pyro giggled. "Here, try this!" He turned around and started leading the Camptosaurus away with its front legs still on his shoulders.
"Huh?" Remy stared as another Camptosaurus clung to the first while mimicking the same posture. Several more followed suit. "What the...?"
"Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, ha! Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, ha!" Pyro happily led the Camptosaurus conga line around.
"That's right, eat up," Sabertooth continued to feed pieces of raw Othnielosaurus to the allosaurus babies while snagging a few bites for himself. "Mmmm, that's good! Tastes like a mix of crocodile and turkey."
"YAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Mastermind stumbled around with the Ornitholestes group now hugging him instead of pecking him. "GET OFF! GET OFF!"
"This is perfect," Piotr smiled at the wild yet serene vista spread bellow him. "I never want this to end."
"KLIIIRRRP!"
"Uh oh, looks like mommy and daddy are back," Remy quipped as the healed Allosaurus pair emerged from the forest. "And I don't think they're gonna back down this time."
"Oh well. It was nice while it lasted," Piotr sighed as he and Remy carefully leapt down from their mounts.
"Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, ha! Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh...ahhh!" Pyro yelped as Piotr plucked him from the Camptosaurus conga line. "Hey, I'm not done yet!"
"Yes you are," Remy said firmly as Piotr dragged Pyro away. "It's time to go."
"Awww," Pyro sighed as Sabertooth quickly abandoned the allosaurus babies to their parents. "Hey, let's bring one of those tackers back with us as a pet!"
"NO!" The other Acolytes shouted.
"How about the mutant, fire-making stegosaurus?" Pyro pleaded.
"NO!"
"Aw," Pyro pouted.
"Gah?" Sabertooth hauled up a twitching Mastermind with dozens of little claw marks in his coat. The Ornitholestes and other smaller dinosaurs had fled at the appearance of the Allosaurus pair. "Claws...tails...teeth, teeth...lots of teeth..."
"Well this was a fun childhood dream come true," Remy quipped as he prepared to activate the machine. "Everybody ready?"
"Yeah," Sabertooth patted the extracted pair of Allosaurus teeth in his pocket. "Let's get outta here."
"I have a funny feeling we forgot something," Piotr scratched his head right before the machine whisked them all away. "Oh well, it could not have been important."
Back near the forest...
"Ooo," Hoffa groaned and opened his eyes. He found himself surrounded by a pack of eager allosaurus babies and pair of protective Allosaurus parents with very sharp teeth. "Mother..."
"Ooof!" Pyro gasped as the Acolytes landed in a cramped, dingy hallway. "Ow, my foot!"
"Next!"
"Hey, watch it!" Remy struggled to recover from his disorientation as he was suddenly grabbed and hauled through a door.
"Sign here," Remy was brought before a rough table as a pen was unexpectedly thrust into his hand.
"Huh?" Remy staggered and braced himself against the table. The pen made a slight mark on a sheet of paper.
"Congratulations, monsieur," A tough-looking soldier stood behind the table wearing a uniform and white képi. "Welcome to the French Foreign Legion!"
Historical note: Stegosaurus was a large, heavily built, herbivorous dinosaur which lived between 155 and 150 million years B.C. in what is now North America. It was the largest member of the suborder Stegosaruia known for its distinctive array of tail spikes and back plates. While various theories have been proposed over the years, the exact purpose for the Stegosaurus plates has never "officially" been determined.