Chapter 38: Power Of Emotions

Nick looked up with a quick heartbeat and stared at her face waiting for any slight change… anything! But nothing happened. He was almost sure he felt her hand move.

Nick sighed and leant closer to her face planting a kiss on her forehead and brushed the hair out of her face as he kept looking at her pale features.

The room was silent. He hated it. The only sound was the beeping indicating her -thankfully- uniform heartbeat. He hated that sound though, because he knew there was a chance it'd go beeping frequently saying he's losing her and with every passing second between the beeps his own heart stops waiting for the next one.

He loves her.

He realized that he loves her so much that scares him. Yes, he knew he loves her, but it's the first time that he feels it this powerful. He was afraid though; that he'd back out and chickens from the decision he's taken in the waiting room of divorcing her.

Even after the doctor's words, if anything, it made him stick to his decision even more…

The doctor told him with sorry tone that he sadly lost his first child; a part of him went missing after hearing that news.

He neither got the chance to ever take in the information of him being a father and thinking about his future child nor did he get the chance of arguing with Miley about the gender of their upcoming baby.

He didn't get to live the moment when Miley tells him and he becomes all shocked and she gets scared of his reaction and he just hugs her and tells her how happy he's right then.

He didn't get to cuddle with Miley in the late nights talking about how great of parents they would be and start choosing names.

He didn't get to freak out about not being ready for such a step. He didn't get to face Miley's mood swings as a pregnant woman.

But he was as sure as hell that this is how it was supposed to go…

Yet, the day he figured out his wife is pregnant; he lost the baby with a chance of losing the mother.

So, pretty much all the medical explanations the doctor had to clear out for him were just blurred lines in his memory. He just understood that the fetus wasn't stable yet in her womb that when she was hit hard by that bitch it didn't take it very well, especially that she was also facing slight placental problems.

And the only thing that he heard and understood right away after that was that when the doctor said that she's in danger especially she bled too much blood and for now, she is in a coma.

What is he supposed to do? How is he supposed to forgive himself? How is he supposed to live right now?

It has been four days since she's been laying there unconscious. The last he met her blue eyes was when he gave her that reassuring look, the look that made her struggle and fight with the two buff men; which led her to currently being in a white hospital room.

"How's she?"

He jumped upon hearing the interrupting sound as he turned around to see his mother looking almost as desperate as he was. Oh, they were back in America too, Miley has been moved in a special jet.

He wiped the tears he didn't know he was shedding and shrugged at Denise.

She sighed and moved closer to the hospital bed looking at her daughter in law, "You know she looks brighter than yesterday."

He let out a sarcastic complaining sound and shook his head, "Not one bit!" He stated the truth.

"Nick," she stopped not gathering the right words.

"I'm fine, mom!"

"No, you're not. You can't be fine."

"I'm!"

"Nick, stop it you know-"

"What am I supposed to do then?" He snapped, "Am I supposed to go mourn about how I ruined her life to everyone? I know I did, okay? And I know how much I've fucked up everything. It doesn't need to be said."

"Nicholas! What are you saying?"

"The truth, mom!" He spat.

"No, it's actually far from being true! Your wife loves you just as much as you love her!"

"I didn't say otherwise." He sighed, "Look, mom, you're not going to get it. It's about the right/wrong decisions at right timing… it's just-" He shook his head fighting the burning tears.

"Nick," she softened her features having her own tears already running down her cheeks, "It's just an obstacle. Everything will be fine."

"An obstacle, huh?" He chuckled sarcastically without an ounce of humor, "Mom, she left Italy, had to struggle through my precious mission, her father died, her best friend is on a wheelchair right now, her first baby ever is killed before even getting to develop and she herself is in coma… all because of me!"

"It's not because of you!" she exclaimed, "Nick, no relationship runs smoothly, you've got to face some dangerous situations, situations through which you'll have to wonder if you were ever meant to be with you partner in the first place… but that doesn't mean you just give it up and walk away. Divorce is not the solution."

"Joe told you?"

"Joe's just looking out for you. He's worried, and so am I, Kevin, Danielle, Selena and even Demi. We're all worried for the two of you, Nic, okay? Because we care. But don't you twist the situation now…"

"At some point, she's going to be the one thinking she's had enough. If not now, maybe in two weeks, a month, ten months, a year, four years… whenever it will be but it is going to happen." There he was confessing one of his many worries; he sure didn't wanna face such a moment when he can do nothing but agree; he won't be able to throw the blame on her.

"Nick-"

"Don't say she loves me; because I know. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't have stamina, mom." And then he let go of the tears.

"True. But, who said your life is always gonna be this way?"

"Because that's my life…"

"It's now hers too."

"I chose this field for myself, but she is more forced into it, she can't just live her whole life in the fear of taking a breath not knowing if she's going to be able to let it out or not." He pointed out, "Have you ever imagined how it would have been if this child lived? If he or she was born? Wouldn't we be responsible for another human being? What if something happened to me? I died in a mission, she'll be a widower and my kid will be an orphan. What if an enemy to me hunted them down? Can I put my family in such a danger?"

"Nick, you're freaking out. You're not the first CIA agent to get married and build a family."

"Doesn't mean they're stable."

"What are you trying to say?" She sighed knowing whatever she's saying is in vain right now.

To be honest, he didn't expect her to ask this question, he expected her to argue more, he needed her to. The same closure he was seeking from Joe earlier when he spoke to him. He didn't want –or more like wasn't ready- to say those words out loud; that's why he took forever to respond and when he did, he was stuttering.

"She –She needs to… you know… she needs to live her life- I mean, I'm the one stopping her from-"

"You want to let go of her and let her start off a new life with someone new? Someone right for her?"

Well, the image looked disgusting in his head when she said it like that, but he knew that was exactly what he was trying to say.

"Yeah…?"

"You don't sound so sure."

He took in a deep breath closing and re-opening his eyes in the process, "Yes, mom. This is what I want. This is what is best for her and that's only what I'm supposed to want for her; the best."

"Supposed." She nodded after remarking, "Just think of the idea of you both living separately and she actually starting with someone else as you watch from a distance, okay?" And she purposely added some hurtful images to the scene as to make him realize how stupid he's being, or so she hoped, because to her Nick has never sounded more irrational. And then she sent him a smile and patted his shoulder before leaving the hospital room

He was mentally and emotionally unstable and he knew so. But, seriously, do they have to torture him even more?

He looked at his wife's dead body and held her cold hand planting a kiss on it as he let the tears go freely when he rested his forehead over her hand he was still holding.

"Oh, Mi, what am I supposed to do now? I love you. But, I can't keep doing this to you." He whispered hoping she'd reply.

Of course she didn't.

"Just please get better, Miles."

He cried as he looked at her white pale face for a second imagining she's actually smiling at him. He knew it didn't happen, but he didn't want to believe so. He needed some kind of reaction, and that could hardly work, but it's the best he'd probably get.

Was that how she felt when he got shot? Was that what she went through? God, she felt this pain? She needs to be really strong then.

And he knew Miley is strong, but to think she's went through all this pain for him and he's there being the coward who tends to let all go in vain and just get a divorce is making him feel even more guilty.

Well, he's feeling guilty either ways!

He suddenly felt the headache. The sharp killing headache and he felt the need to scream. This was all too much… A million of racing thoughts, what ifs and reciprocal emotions passing through his head in one second.

What if she woke up and she doesn't wanna see his face again? Is her love fore him enough to stay? Will she even give him a second chance? What if she really wanted a baby? What if she mourned the baby forever? Did she ever plan on telling him? Or did she want to run away with the baby to be raised in a normal atmosphere? What if she never wants to have kids again? What if she thought it was too much? What if she hates him now? Is it even possible? What if she wake up with a lost memory? Should he tell her the truth or start over with her? What if she never wake up again?

That one last thought made his head shoot up into her direction with wide eyes.

"No, no, no, no…" He shook his head and whispered to himself, "She's fine, Nicholas. You're over thinking things."

He embraced her body careful not to touch any attached equipments to her body, as he sobbed hardly unto her body.

"Don't go anywhere, Miley."

"Just, please don't go."

"Please, just wake up for me, and I promise you I'll do whatever you want me to do… if you want me to quit I'll, if you want me to leave you alone I will, I'll do anything for you… I promise, I just please don't go."

And the thing is, the sobbing, mentally wrecked and emotionally crushed Nicholas has to stick to his promise…

A/N: Thank you guys so much for commenting last chapter :) Meant a lot to see your come backs :) And I'm sorry it took a while to update, but I'm bust as hell :( Hopefully, I'll get to right more soon :)

What do you guys think? Will Miley make it? :P

And also, do you guys think it's enough or do want to see more drama? I'd like to hear your opinion about that because I have some different paths the story could take, and your opinion might help me in choosing a one :)