A/N: Happy New Year!

I'm not gonna say much and just let you get straight to the chapter. But a huge shout-out to my beta, Hadley Hemingway, for not only helping me really think through this chapter and constantly deleting the word that for me (lol), but for also helping me set my own New Year's resolution to make sure I write every day.

Chapter 37:

Even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No, I won't give up

Jason Mraz

Bella's POV

The door swung shut behind Edward, leaving me to my own stunned silence. I flounced backwards and repeatedly banged my head against the wall.

What the fuck just happened?

The last time Edward kissed me in the elevator, all I felt was pure rage. I was angry he took it upon himself to kiss me and mad at myself for reciprocating. But this kiss was different… Hell, if it hadn't have been for the knock on the door, it may have ended up being so much more than a kiss by the end of the night!

All I felt was confused.

And guilty.

Confused over everything that was slowly transpiring between us... And guilty because I wanted it. I wanted him.

Over the past few weeks, I had unknowingly dropped my guard with Edward. It started the night I let him sleep next to me and seemed to have spiraled out of control every day since then. I was just too blind and stupid to realize the dangerous game I was playing. I thought I could be comfortable around Edward and start a friendship with him. But the more time we spent together, the more I found myself trying to quell my unwanted attraction to him. It had become an almost nightly ritual for me to retire to my room and spend the rest of the evening with my Rabbit. I'd replay the way his lips turned up when he smiled and the little touches between us throughout the day. I'd imagine those lips leaving a trail of kisses up my thigh while his touches became rough and controlling. I knew I was in too deep, but I convinced myself it was nothing more than lust I could keep contained.

That was until tonight.

The illicit thoughts crept into my head the minute he walked out of the bathroom in nothing more than a bedsheet. It wasn't fair that I was tortured with seeing this chiseled body of his every day, but I couldn't touch it… lick it… feel his muscles contract while he thrust into me…

Dear God, I was going to need new batteries for my vibrator after tonight.

When it came to Edward, though, I could resist his strong body - my downfall was always his tender heart. When we got to the hospital, I ended up watching him from afar the entire night. Edward had always been good at making sure his fans felt special, but he tended to steer clear of the kids, leaving them to be entertained by me or Emmett when it came to meet-and-greets. Yet, seeing him interact with all the giggling little kids, without using any of his womanizing charm, made him incredibly endearing. I kept stealing glances while he helped a little girl with glasses make a crown. When she put it on his head to test it out, and he actually held it in place for her, I could practically hear my ovaries crying. There was a crazy woman from somewhere deep in the depths of my vagina begging me to take him in a utility closet and make a baby with him right then and there.

Later, that same little girl came up to me, telling me she had a secret.

"We made this for your wedding," she whispered, handing me the crown.

"My wedding? I didn't realize I was getting married!"

"He's your true love! All you need is true love's kiss!" she said, pointing to Edward, who was just walking back into the room.

"I'm not sure I believe in true love."

"It's okay," she smiled, placing the crown on top of my head. "He believes."

When we got back to the hotel and I found the cupcake display, all the emotions I had been fighting off the entire evening came crashing down. What was supposed to be just a flirty, playful celebration turned into me being unable to take my hands off Edward. I looked down at my icing-streaked body and groaned, then stripped out of my stained costume. I was the one who had initiated everything.

I fucking licked him.

I walked into the bathroom and wet a washcloth, wiping off the excess icing from my skin. This is what happens when I stop thinking logically and can't keep my emotions in check - I make colossal mistakes and can't handle the repercussions.

Yet, Edward said we weren't a mistake… That he was going to fight for us. I should have told him to give up - it was a losing battle. But, if I was being honest with myself, there was a small part of me that wanted him to fight like hell.

I splashed water in my face, trying to gain some clarity. Just one month ago, I had finally reached the closure I needed to put Edward behind me. Now I was throwing myself at him. I was playing with fire, and I was bound to get burned. There was no happy ending in store for Edward and me… I gave up on that a long time ago.

Coming out of the bathroom, I glanced around the room now splattered in cupcakes and groaned. There was no way I could sleep in this mess. I threw on a pair of yoga pants and sweatshirt, called down to the concierge, and stepped out into the hallway. I wasn't sure if I needed to clear my head or simply escape the scene of the crime, but I decided to take Jake and Vanessa up on that drink they had offered me.

I made my way across the street to a little dive bar and immediately located the couple sitting on stools at the counter. I grabbed the empty seat beside them and asked the bartender for a Jack and Coke.

"Changed your mind about a little birthday celebration?" Vanessa asked.

Jacob squinted and leaned in closer to my head. "Why do you have icing in your hair?"

The bartender placed the drink in front of me, and I immediately took a long gulp - not even bothering to try and locate the glob Jacob had found in my hair.

"Edward."

"Edward put the icing in your hair?"

I nodded and took another gulp. "Among other places."

Realization seemed to cross Jacob's face. "Shit, Swan, you didn't."

"Oh, my God," Vanessa breathed out excitedly. Jacob and I shot her the same disparaging look.

"It was a momentary lapse of judgement."

"How momentary?"

"Not enough time to make it an even bigger mistake, okay?" My voice rose defensively.

"This is like deja vu from the last time I visited you," Jake said, clearly exasperated with the entire situation.

"Wait a minute, you and Edward have done this before?"

"Vanessa, I swear to God, this is all off the record!"

"Calm down, Isabella, you know Vanessa's not like that!"

Fucking great - I came here to escape my problems; instead, I'm now arguing with my friends.

"Isabella, why don't you start from the beginning?" Vanessa said gently. She turned her attention to Jacob and hit him in the arm. "And you let her talk! Stop judging."

"Ow, Nessie, I'm just looking out for her!"

I threw back the remainder of my drink and slouched against the bar, leaning my head against my hand.

"I just… want him so much," I started to ramble, to Vanessa's delight and Jacob's disgust. "I miss his body. Do you realize the last time I was with Edward was the last time I've been with anybody? And Edward and I had good sex… really, really good sex. I miss mind-blowing, toe-curling orgasms."

"You do realize there are plenty of guys around the world who are willing to help you out in that department, right?" Jacob said.

"You know I don't do one-night stands."

"So you basically want Edward as a fuck buddy?" Vanessa asked.

"Yes… No… I don't know!" I threw my hands up, disgusted with myself. "There's too much between us for sex to be casual. But there's still so much sexual chemistry… It's like an itch I can't scratch."

"Maybe you need closure," Vanessa offered.

"The only way she's going to get closure is to stay away from him and move on with her life!" Jacob said.

"Because staying away from me brought you the closure you needed?" Vanessa countered.

"We're… different," Jacob feebly tried to argue.

"Maybe we are, maybe we're the same - that's not for us to decide. But I do know it must be hard starting a friendship with Edward again when you ended your relationship with him so abruptly. There was no chance to say any last words or have a proper goodbye."

"So what are you suggesting?" I sat up a little taller, her words mirroring my emotions.

"Everyone talks about the benefits of make-up sex, but sometimes goodbye sex can be just as powerful."

"Nessie, what the hell are you doing?" Jake gritted through his teeth.

"It's a chance for both of you to say goodbye on your own terms and make a nice final memory."

"It makes sense…" I pondered over her words.

"You can't be serious?" Jake said, clearly appalled. "All this will do is cause more heartbreak for both of you!"

Jake had a point there. Edward had just gotten through saying he was going to fight for us; this would only give him more hope. But what if I made it clear this was our final goodbye? It was time to give up the fight. What if we could have just one final, glorious night together?

"Nessie, you weren't there when Edward was treating her like shit throughout their relationship… or helping her pick up the pieces when she was completely torn apart by this guy!"

"You also weren't there when things were actually really good between us!" I spat.

"You're right - I was there to see the entire downfall. Not every relationship ends in a perfectly wrapped bow. Some stories just stop and are left unfinished. You can remember all the good times as much as you want, Isabella; it doesn't mean you can recreate them."

"It's up to you, Isabella," Vanessa said. "Jacob's right - some people just need to walk away. But if there's all this sexual tension between the two of you, maybe one last night together is a great way to get it out of your systems."

Jacob snorted but remained silent. I contemplated Vanessa's words and wondered if this was really something I could do. Was it possible to have one final night together, to touch him and hold him in my arms? Was it even something that I wanted?

My thoughts jumped back to just an hour earlier when that was exactly what I wanted. I could still feel his lips against my neck…. His hands firm, but tender, sliding up and down my sides… His cock rubbing against my center causing a torturous friction. I groaned out loud.

Jesus, I was getting wet just thinking about it.

I grabbed the remainder of Jacob's drink and threw it down my throat.

"Hey!"

"I'll only do it if he's completely on board with this being a final goodbye."

Vanessa's eyes gleamed with excitement. Jacob grumbled to himself and ordered another drink to replace the one I had commandeered. I threw enough money down on the bar to cover everyone.

"You're in over your fucking head."

I jumped off the stool and threw my arms around Jacob. "Jake, thank you for always looking out for me, but you've got to ease up on the overprotectiveness."

"For once, it's not you I'm actually worried about."

I gave Jacob a peck on the cheek and then hugged Vanessa, exiting the dimly lit bar.

"What the hell are you trying to pull, Nessie?" I could hear Jacob muttering to her as I walked out the door.

As I made my way back to the hotel, doubt began to creep in. I wondered how I was even going to present this to Edward. Would he think I was being erratic? Was I a fool for wanting this? The attraction between us was growing stronger every day, and as much as we wanted each other, I knew I couldn't give him everything he wanted. I could give him my body willingly… but not my heart.

Lost in my own thoughts, I inadvertently ended up standing in front of Edward's door. Before I had time to lose my resolve, I quickly rapped on the door. After a minute, Edward opened up, wearing only a pair of low-hung sweatpants. My eyes raked over his bare chest, and any doubts I had immediately vanished. My God, I wanted this man.

"Bells… Hey." Edward seemed surprised to see me but stepped aside and let me in.

"Hey… I, um, have a proposition for you."

Edward crossed his arms over his chest and raised his eyebrow. I couldn't stop staring at his muscles.

"Oh?"

I could feel my face heating up with a blush. Now that I was about to say it out loud, it seemed ridiculous.

"I think it's obvious that we're still… attracted to each other."

Edward smirked and stepped a bit closer. "Very obvious."

"And I feel like the sexual tension between us is just going to keep escalating."

Edward placed his hands on my hips and dipped his head into the crook of my neck. "So what do you suggest?"

My heart raced feeling his his hot, wet breath against my skin; I could barely concentrate on what I was saying. "I think we should just get it over with… goodbye sex."

Edward froze and pulled back, his eyes full of confusion. "Goodbye?"

I gulped and nodded. "I know what you want, Edward… Sometimes I think I want it too, but there's too much shit that's happened to ever get that back. And if I'm being honest, I don't want it back - things weren't always good between us. But no matter how fucked up our situation was when we were together… physically… everything was perfect. And I want us to be perfect again. God, I want it more than anything. But it's not possible… because that was never us. But just for one night, maybe, we can have that perfect night. We can kiss and touch and be together all night long, then when morning comes, we can say goodbye. But at least we'll always have this one night."

Edward remained silent to the point where it became uncomfortable. I fidgeted with the hem of my sweatshirt.

"Bella, I've got countless perfect nights between us already seared in my memory."

"I know… but all those seem overshadowed by the night I walked out on you."

Edward winced and closed his eyes; I could tell he was reliving the pain from that night all over again.

"I thought we could make a new memory… Maybe relieve all this pent-up sexual tension. Maybe it'll give me the closure I need to finally move on."

Edward stroked the side of my face, brushing the hair behind my ear. "You need this?"

I shuddered at his touch. "I do."

"And then it's goodbye?" His voice was tight with emotion.

I closed my eyes, tears threatening to spill out, and leaned into the palm of his hand, nodding my head.

"Well, then, let's make it one hell of a goodbye."

Edward hoisted me up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. His lips attacked my neck as he alternated between sucking and nipping at my collarbone. My hands roamed over his broad shoulders and chest; I wanted to touch every inch of his body. He carried me to the bed and laid me down, ripping the sweatshirt over my head. He leaned over me, and I wrapped my hands around his neck, pulling him down to my lips.

Our kiss was slow and almost reverent but quickly became much more heated. My hands slid down his back to the waistband of his pants, trying to tug them down. Edward gripped my hip, pulled me flush against his pelvis, and ground his erection into me. I moaned and threw my head back. Everything was dizzying, and I was desperate for air. Edward dove for my mouth again while his fingers dipped inside my pants. I spread my legs, desperate to feel his calloused fingers against my most sensitive parts. I closed my eyes in anticipation…

And felt nothing.

His lips, fingers, and the warmth of his body were all gone. I opened my eyes to find Edward standing across the room with a frantic look on his face.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this."

I tried to swallow down my humiliation as I watched him pace back and forth. "Is something wrong?"

"You've been drinking."

"I've only had one drink; you're certainly not taking advantage…"

"No, Bella," Edward cut me off. "I can taste it."

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. "Oh."

"Shit, Bella, it's never going to get better, is it? You're all I ever think about… All I've ever wanted! I finally get to have you back in my arms for one last time. But the minute I tasted the faintest trace of whiskey on you, it's like you weren't even there anymore. All I cared about was the alcohol."

"Edward…"

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to comfort him and tell him everything would be all right because he looked so distraught, but the words caught in my throat. I did this to him. It was my stupid, fucking, rash decision to try and release my sexual frustration - consequences be damned. Jacob had been right all along.

"I can't be near you right now, Isabella."

Edward walked into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him, leaving me alone in my shame. Panic rose up inside me, and I jumped off the bed, banging on the bathroom door.

"Edward, please don't do this," I sobbed.

"Bella, just leave," he called through the door.

"I'm not going to leave you alone right now. Please, tell me what I can do."

"Call my dad."

Within two minutes after I made the call, Carlisle and Esme had rushed to Edward's room. I barely had enough time to pull my shirt back over my head before they came barging through the door. Even though I was fully clothed, I stood before them completely disgraced for what I had done to their son. I wiped at the tears streaming down my face and pointed to the bathroom.

"He's in there."

Carlisle nodded and walked over to the door. "Son, it's me."

The handle turned slightly, and Carlisle stepped inside, closing the door behind him. Esme gathered me into her arms and smoothed my hair in a soothing manner.

"Come on, dear, let's go back to your room. Edward will be all right."

We silently walked down the hall, and I opened the door to my room - now in pristine condition. The maid had come and cleaned up our mess from earlier.

Too bad I created another mess with Edward.

"Isabella, do you know what set Edward off?"

A lump formed in my throat, and I felt like I was going to suffocate. I couldn't look Esme in the eye.

"Me," I rasped out.

"I thought things were getting better with you two."

"We kissed," I confessed. Esme seemed surprised but remained silent, waiting for an explanation. "I wasn't thinking. I had just come from the bar. I didn't realize he could still taste the alcohol on me."

"Oh, Isabella," Esme said softly.

"I'm so sorry." Tears ran down my cheeks, but I did nothing to stop them.

Esme gathered me into her arms and let me cry on her shoulder. "Isabella, dear, we're all going to make mistakes, and Edward's going to be tempted plenty more times throughout his recovery. I refuse to let either of you chastise yourselves because of pitfalls along the way. What's important is how we respond to the challenges placed before us."

"I shouldn't have even gone to his room… let alone kissed him."

Esme pulled back to look at me. "My dear, I have no clue what's going on between you and Edward right now. I get the feeling neither of you do. Trust and forgiveness take time. I know you two have a long road ahead of you, but take a minute to look back and see how far you've come. I look at you and see a beautiful, strong woman who has been through her fair share of struggles. Even through it all, you haven't given up on Edward. Please don't give up on yourself. You don't believe you can love again, but the heart is incredibly resilient

"Since Edward is your son, you may be a bit biased," I quipped, wiping away the tears.

She gave me a crooked smile that immediately reminded me of Edward. "Probably. But you know I've always considered you like a daughter. I want what's best for both of you."

"I keep thinking I know what's best, but it still ends up being a mistake."

"Trust your heart, Isabella - no matter how frightening it may be." Esme leaned in and gave me a gentle hug. "I'm going to check on Edward. Get some rest. Tomorrow's a new day."

After Esme left, I brushed my teeth, changed into my pajamas, and got ready for bed. Even though I was fairly certain I wouldn't get much sleep, all I wanted to do was crawl underneath the covers and withdraw into my thoughts. It made me sick to my stomach to think I was the reason behind Edward's turmoil. I never should have gone to Edward and proposed a final goodbye. The pathetic truth was I only used it as an excuse to finally be with him without letting my heart become vulnerable.

Well, that backfired completely...

I pulled the comforter down and imagined Jacob laying into me for never listening to him. He was like my own damn Jiminy Crickett. An envelope sitting on top of the pillow caught my eye, and I realized it was the card that Edward had slipped under my door earlier in the night. With trembling hands, I opened it up.

Bella,

Happy Birthday. I've struggled trying to find the right words to say to you. Birthdays are a way to celebrate another year passing, and it's crazy to think how much has changed within this past year. This time last year, you were just starting to put together the plans for your first European headline tour. Now, just 12 months later, you've had two European headline tours and one US tour. I can only imagine this was your wish when you blew out your candles. It's been a roller coaster year, full of ups and downs, but I couldn't be more proud of you and your success. You deserve all of it. You've, unknowingly, become my source of inspiration. You've handled any adversity that's come your way with such strength and dignity. I can only hope to be as strong as you one day. Here's to another year older and wiser. Hopefully this one will have more ups than downs. I'm sure all of your wishes will come true because you have more determination than anyone else I know.

Edward

His words punched me in the gut. I inspired him? He was fighting a much bigger battle than I was and winning it every day. At least I could face my enemies; he had to fight the demons within himself. The realization dawned on me: Edward was able to refuse me tonight, even when I set off a trigger for him. He could have ignored it, and we would still be in bed making love all night long. He could have gotten everything he wanted. But he made his sobriety a priority - the same thing he had been doing every day since he got out of rehab.

I thought back to my conversation with Dr. Uley and how he surmised a lack of communication contributed to the downfall of our relationship. I admired the new and improved Edward because he was so forthcoming. Even tonight, with shame and defeat written all over his face, he still was honest about his struggle. I kept telling myself I couldn't trust Edward, as if he didn't deserve it. But how much more did he need to prove himself? Maybe I couldn't trust myself around him. When it came down to it, I wanted to be there to support him through his struggles, but what if I could never get over the fact that he cheated? It would be something I held over our heads, and it wasn't fair to either of us. How could we truly move on if he was still being punished with the past? I was finally willing to admit to myself that I wanted to move on, but I had no clue how to do it.

I debated about going to Edward. I wanted to make sure he was okay and try to talk things through with him. But I was frightened of my own emotions and how I was coming to terms with everything. I was even more scared Edward was going to shut me out after my actions tonight... just when I was finally starting to figure everything out. I decided my only option was to take Esme's advice and try to get some sleep. I closed my eyes and hoped my new resolve about Edward wouldn't disappear when morning came.

Edward's POV:

I woke up to someone banging on my hotel room door. Rubbing my eyes, I glanced at the clock to see it was only 7am. Who the fuck was waking me up so early in the morning? After Bella left last night, Carlisle stayed in the room for about an hour, helping talk me down from the ledge. I don't think I would have actually relapsed, but I felt nothing but hopelessness in that moment.

For months I had been trying to prove myself… to Bella… my family… even myself. All I wanted was to show that the alcohol and drugs were behind me, and nobody needed to worry anymore. Instead, I ended up showing just how much it still controlled my life - to the one person I was desperately trying to convince otherwise. In that moment, I felt everything was pointless. Why try so hard if the slightest thing could send me spiraling out of control?

When Bella came to me with the proposition of a final goodbye, I didn't want to accept. As much as I wanted to spend all night under the sheets with her, I didn't want just her body - I never did. If that had been the case, I would have taken her the minute she asked after our first date. I was determined to prove myself to her back then, and I thought I could do the same again. How could she not know that the only thing I wanted from her was her heart?

I could see the desperation in her eyes, pleading for me to agree. I wanted to tell her our relationship was worth so much more than one night. Just a few hours prior, I promised I would fight for us. Now she was asking me to give up? She said it was something she needed, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't deny her. When I got out of rehab, I'd made a promise to myself: I'd follow whatever lead she took when it came to our relationship. If she was willing to let me in, I would be there; if she pushed me away, then I would unwillingly oblige. I didn't want to leave Bella, but if she was telling me she was already gone, then I was going to make sure to savor every last moment with her.

When we kissed, I could taste the alcohol instantly. Even so, it wasn't an immediate trigger. I relished the taste of her, but the longer we kissed, the more I savored the taste of the alcohol. I wanted to trail kisses all over her body and taste every inch of her, but I couldn't remove my lips from her mouth. It was as if I was kissing the alcohol instead of Bella, and the whiskey was the other woman. It wasn't until I heard Bella's moan that I was pulled from its clutches. I was immediately repulsed that, once again, I favored alcohol over Isabella.

Now that it was the next day, I wondered how she was processing everything. She had obviously been upset with my erratic behavior. Was our newly rekindled connection now broken? Did I just prove to Bella she'd never be able to trust me? Why should she? I couldn't even trust myself anymore.

The banging on the door intensified; I cursed and got out of bed.

"What the fuck, Rose?" I asked, opening up to find her on the other side.

Rosalie shoved a small plastic cup in my face. "Here. Pee in this."

I was shocked and hurt at her accusation. "You can't be serious. Is this because of last night?"

"Last night?" Rosalie asked. "Edward, as shocked as we all were to find you half-naked in Isabella's room, it's also something we've been expecting for a while now."

It was only then I realized Rosalie didn't know about the more shameful events from last night.

"Care to share what happened?"

"No."

"Neither did Isabella," Rosalie grumbled to herself. She pushed the cup back into my hand. "This is to prove our suspicions about Tanya. I've collected everyone's samples on this tour. Carlisle is going to personally deliver them to the lab and stay there until they have all the results. If she comes up positive, we'll know by tonight."

I took the cup and wordlessly walked towards the bathroom. Rosalie stepped inside the room behind me.

"What's up with you? I thought you'd be more excited about finally getting rid of all your problems!"

I shut the door to the bathroom, not bothering to respond. Rose didn't realize all my problems still existed… They were inside me.

I spent the majority of the day in solitude, holed up in the recording studio. I wasn't trying to shut anybody out, but I needed time to gather my thoughts. A phone call to Dr. Uley, who ensured everything I was experiencing was natural, helped a bit. It was still unsettling, though, because I truly believed I was going to be the exception to the rules of recovery. I guess everyone has those beliefs in the beginning.

I had been rewriting the chorus of a song multiple times, trying to give some hope to the melancholy lyrics, when the studio door swung open. Bella walked in, and we both froze. Tension instantly infiltrated the room, all the words left unsaid from last night now lying thick in the air.

"Hi," she rasped out, nervously bunching her shirt sleeves over her knuckles. Her eyes looked slightly sunken in, letting me know she looked as tired as I felt.

"Hi… I've been in here all day, so I'll step out and let you have your time," I offered.

"Actually…. I was looking for you," she admitted, much to my surprise. "I know you're probably not happy to see me..."

"I'm always happy to see you, Bella," I told her truthfully.

She seemed taken aback by my admission and paused briefly to collect her thoughts.

"I thought we should talk about last night."

I swiveled my stool around and gestured to the couch. She sat down across from me, our knees brushing against each other. We sat in awkward silence until we both rushed out an apology at the same time.

"Bella, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"Are you kidding me? This entire thing was my fault! If I hadn't shown up at your door begging you to have sex with me, none of this would have happened. I was so selfish, only thinking about what I wanted. I didn't think how my actions would affect you."

"You shouldn't need to constantly be worried about how I'll react. I shouldn't be that weak," I spat, angrily.

I was beginning to close up on her, and she could tell. Bella reached out and gently placed her hand on top of mine.

"Edward, please talk to me. I'm here; I promise I won't run."

I looked at her intently and realized she wasn't placating me. There was a steely determination in her eyes - a stark contrast from the nervous glances she usually cast me. It didn't seem palpable. "Why?"

"Because I care."

"Yeah, well, you shouldn't. Look where caring got you last time."

"Don't shut me out, Edward." She squeezed my hand, pleading. "Not again."

Her words pierced my soul. This is what I did to her before. I bottled up all my self-doubt and loathing, too ashamed and afraid to admit anything to her.

"Talk to me. Tell me so I can help… So I can understand." She squeezed my hand again, holding it tighter.

I let out a resigned sigh. As much as I wanted to hide this side of me to protect her, I knew it would only continue to hurt us.

"A lot of demons I thought I buried seemed to resurrect last night," I began. "The doubts and insecurities crept back into my head, and I can't seem to shake them."

"I'm sorry," she whispered again.

I shook my head, irritated that she was continuing to blame herself. "Don't you see? This was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm just ashamed it had to happen in front of you."

"Edward, I don't want you to feel like you can't be yourself around me."

"This isn't who I want to be," I hissed.

"You're not! You've changed… Even I can see it. I tried to ignore it and push it away because it causes me to have all these mixed feelings. You're still the same Edward that I lo...know," she stumbled over her words. "But you're like a better version of him. Sometimes I get so resentful because I feel like I got gypped out of having this new, improved Edward. Sometimes I'm hopeful for…"

She trailed off, shaking her head, not allowing herself to continue. I still held her hand, afraid to break the connection between us. I was blown away by her honesty. I couldn't even remember the last time she had opened up about us. Now, here she was spilling all her thoughts, like a spool unraveling.

She breathed out a frustrated sigh and looked down at our hands. "Sometimes I'm so scared because as much as I want to hope… I'm terrified you'll slip back to the Edward I didn't know."

Her words right before our accident pierced through my mind.

I'm speaking to Edward the Rock Star right now - I DON'T LOVE YOU!

"Well, looks like your fears were warranted." The bitterness seeped through my voice. "I proved that last night."

"Yes, Edward, you proved a lot to me. You proved you had self-control, and you reached out for help when you needed it. For the first time, you were honest with me about your struggles. The only thing you did last night was stop something I should have never started."

I shook my head regretfully. "I should have never agreed to last night, but I didn't want to deny you what you wanted."

"I didn't want it," she whispered, more to herself.

"Then why…"

"I thought I wanted it. Last night left me so confused. We were kissing, and I wanted you to kiss me, and I don't think we would have stopped if the others hadn't interrupted us. And that scares the shit out of me, because we would have had to deal with the repercussions in the morning. I hate that I want you. I thought if I could get you out of my system, then I could finally let go."

"What changed your mind?"

"Last night."

I grimaced, but her other hand came and rested against my cheek.

"Don't you see? You keep beating yourself up, thinking you had chosen alcohol over me, but you didn't. You chose you, Edward. You chose your sobriety above all else. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to pull away, but you did. And you didn't hide any of it from me. Do you know how many sleepless nights I've had, knowing something was wrong with you… with us… But you never told me anything. If you had just told me your feelings…"

Bella shook her head and angrily wiped away tears. I closed my eyes, unable to watch her cry over me anymore, and turned my face kissing the palm of her hand.

"I'm so sorry, Bella."

I would never be able to stop apologizing for what I did.

"You are not the old Edward," she said confidently. "And you need to stop doubting yourself."

I shuddered, never believing I'd hear those words come out of Bella's mouth; they absolved me of the guilt eating me up inside.

"And you? Have you stopped doubting me?"

She pulled her hands away, clasping them in her lap. "I'm trying. I'm not sure if I'll ever fully get there, but I'm trying."

I nodded, unable to ask for more. She pulled a strand of hair behind her ear and bit her lip.

"Are you still going to fight for us?"

I wasn't sure what response she wanted, but eventually I settled on honesty. "Every day."

She swallowed hard and looked away. "You were right to suggest I go to counseling. I think we each have our own issues we need to focus on. But there's a lot of shit lying unspoken between us, and it needs to be dealt with too. I was wrong to think sex could solve our problems. The only thing that's going to help us is to finally have an open, honest conversation with each other. I don't think I'm ready to handle it on my own… Do you think Dr. Uley would be willing to meet with us together?"

"Absolutely!" I exclaimed, completely surprised by her request. Just seconds ago, I thought she was withdrawing from me once more - telling me she couldn't handle the issues between us. Instead, she was taking a huge leap of faith.

"You've been fighting so many battles by yourself. You don't have to do it alone. I can't promise anything… And I'm scared as hell… But I'm willing to try and fight with you."

"Bella…" I choked out.

I was at a loss for words, trying to control my euphoria. I went from feeling completely despondent to feeling nothing but hope. I cupped my hands around her face and stroked her cheeks with my thumbs.

"Thank you."

Our lips were on each other again. It was soft, reverent, and full of unspoken promise. I poured all my love for her into that kiss, silently letting her know we would win this together. She pulled away, keeping her eyes shut, and rested her forehead against mine. We stayed like that, slowly breathing together.

"Isabella, are you in there?" The loud banging on the bus door broke us from our reverie.

I groaned. Once again, Rosalie had managed to interrupt us at the most inconvenient time. Bella wiped the remnants of tears off her face then stood up and opened the door. Rosalie barged inside with an envelope in her hand; her eyes were frantic. Carlisle silently walked in behind her; his mouth grim. Panic started to seep in. Something wasn't right.

"Rose, what's wrong?" Bella asked.

Rosalie weakly held up the envelope. "I have the drug test results."

"Were we wrong?" I asked. If Tanya was using drugs, they wouldn't look this upset.

"It's not Tanya…" Rosalie trailed off and looked to Carlisle for help.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Isabella, your test came back positive."

I clearly didn't hear Carlisle's words because there was absolutely no way he could be implying what I thought. I knew Bella inside and out... She wouldn't do that.

"I don't understand." Bella said, just as confused as I was. "What does that mean?"

"You failed the drug test."

A/N: Phew! That was a rollercoaster ride of a chapter! And I know I left it on another cliffy, but please don't think we're spiralling out of control. In fact, I've mapped out the rest of this story, it should be completed in the next 5 chapters or so. (I don't know what I'm going to do with my life when I let go of these characters lol).