YOU IDIOT. Serena's brain screamed the words and she flew towards the bathroom. She crashed through the door which was fortunately not locked and looked around frantically. Drew in a sharp breath and held it.
Bernie had tucked herself in the small space under the sink. The bathroom cabinet door was hanging open on the wall and as Serena looked she could se the broken pink plastic case of a disposable razor to one side of the sink. Looking down she could see the silver blade winking at her from
Bernie's hand, mocking her for her stupidity in letting the traumatised surgeon be in a bathroom on her own with sharps. She hasn't even looked up, thought Serena and her fear came back in the worst way.
Bernie hadn't really seen or heard Serena come in, despite the dramatic entrance. There was so much noise in her head, snatches of what had just happened mingling with voices from time long past, her brain determined to taunt her with things she'd done wrong, people she'd hurt, wounds she couldn't heal, friends she hadn't saved. Everything was too fast and the noise heart, like a migraine all over her head and down every nerve, like fingernails on a blackboard over and over again, and the pain, the mental pain so overwhelming that she'd turned to the only thing that had ever worked. She whimpered as somatic flashes of fingers and fists and feet all over her body, but never silencing the commentary, never relieving the pressure building behind her eyes, came to haunt her in this state of nightmare.
Serena ran a quick check with her eyes only but couldn't see any immediate or life threatening wounds. She had to get that blade from Bernie. Had to. Not wanting to spook her she approached gently, "Bernie" she whispered. "Can you hear me?"
Absolutely zero response. Not even a flicker. The blonde was lost in her mind. "Bernie" she tried again in her normal speaking voice. Nothing.
"Berenice Griselda Wolfe will you look at me!"
Being full named seemed to startle Bernie back into the room and she ran her eyes around onto Serena and the off again, memorising every detail she could take in, just as she'd been taught. She'd always done well in observation training in basic. She'd been applauded heartily for realising a combatant, who was actually a staff sergeant outside of the role play, had changed one single button on his shirt being done up. So no chance was she going to stop using those skills. Her eyes settled on Serena.
"Bernie will you let me have that please?"
She shook her head. "Need it"
Serena thought quickly. "What if I looked after it for a while?" She shifted to sit on the floor, hearing her knee pop as she did. Now they were at eye level to each other she could see how fragile the thread connecting Bernie to the present was and how loud the siren song of her mind must be right now. She held out her hand and the army medic shook her head. "Need it to hurt Serena. Need to punish myself."
Bernie's words were almost monotone and Serena realised she was dissociating slightly: drifting in and out of the now to the past, to outside herself, anywhere where she couldn't feel what was in her mind. The blade flashed in the light of the spots in the ceiling as it passed from hand to hand. And then it happened.
Bernie came tumbling back into the room from the corners of her mind at the sound of Serena sobbing, what? How? Looked down and oh.
Dropped the blade on the floor and it made a faint tinkling as it bounced slightly. In less than a fraction of a second Serena, still sobbing had crossed the space and snatched up the blade. She stood quickly and rummaged through the cupboard, taking the other two razors and a pair of nail scissors and fled from the room.
Bernie put her hand to her head and it felt clammy to the touch. She was so tired. Maybe she'd have a little nap. She shuffled herself sideways and lay on the floor. She closed her eyes and waited for sleep to come. Except it didn't because Serena was back, pulling her from the under the sink. The brunette was lifting the blondes top up looking at her stomach and ran her hands over her, checking, checking, and that's when Bernie was fully present in the moment.
"Serena, I didn't do it. I thought about it. I wanted to do much, but I didn't. I promise you."
Their eyes met and suddenly for the second time that evening Bernie found herself catching one of the Campbell-Haynes household as Serena did something she hadn't done since she was a child. Pitched forward and fainted clean away as Bernie lowered her to the ground.