Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (As usual, thanks for the reviews. No flames or the chocobo will Meteo you.) Most of this was written while at work. I apologize. Thanks for the reviews, they're muchly appreciated!

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 38: Last Save Point Before Final Boss

Kuja blinked in confusion when he woke up. Partially because he didn't remember falling asleep, and partially because he had found himself laying on a bed.

"A...bed?" He squinted, sitting up. He looked around. Kuja found himself on a small bed in a small, nondescript inn room. "What the hell..." Kuja didn't move to get up, brain stumbling half-awake through its thoughts. He hadn't had a bed to sleep on since...well, before he'd died.

He prodded the fluffy pillow behind him curiously. "Figures even the beds in Heaven are nice."

Kuja looked to the door when it creaked open. Zidane stuck his head in the room. "Oh, hey, so you are awake."

"Do I dare ask what I'm doing in here?"

Zidane looked embarrassed as he entered the room, closing the door with his tail. "We-eell..." He scratched the back of his head. "You fell asleep downstairs. I had to hide you."

Kuja pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why'd you have to hide me?"

"'Cause there's a trio of heroine-types wandering around looking for you, with orders to kick your ass," Zidane said. He grinned, looking sheepish.

"Who would order them to do that?"

"Uh...." The blonde glanced away guiltily.

"Zidane...."

"Uh, it was Garnet," Zidane admitted.

"What?!"

"She says you're a bad influence on me," Zidane shrugged.

"The pot calling the kettle black."

"Something like that." His tail wiggled. "I talked to her while you were asleep, but she said she couldn't call off the Gullwings 'cause they were already out, and kinda hard to call back."

"The Gullwings?"

"That's what their group was called, when they were still alive." Zidane scratched his head. "Or was it the Seagulls? Something silly like that."

"And I'm supposed to be afraid of them."

"Well...Heck, I would be. They're a bit violent sometimes."

Kuja flopped back onto the pillow. "Wonderful, just wonderful."

"But you should be okay, as long as they don't find you before you leave."

"Mmph." Kuja sighed. Zidane leaned against the door, tail still wiggling.

After a moment, Kuja glared up at his brother. "You didn't do anything to me, did you?"

Zidane blinked. "What?"

"While I was asleep."

He looked embarrassed for a moment, glancing away. "Nah, I wouldn't do something like that."

"Dirty tail chaser."

"So you're saying you've got a dirty tail?" Zidane grinned.

"I didn't say th--Shut up!"

:

"I think I may have the worst luck, ever," Kefka muttered.

"I'll second that, once you get your elbow out of my ribs," Sephiroth hissed.

"Shh, he'll hear you!"

"Who is he, anyway?" Sephiroth wondered, jabbing his finger in the direction of a tall, buff man with terribly short blonde hair.

Kefka's eyes narrowed, and he sneered a bit. "Blasted goody-goody."

"His name?"

"Leo. General Leo."

"Hmm," Sephiorth made a thoughtful noise, shifting Kefka's weight off his left shoulder. They were presently hiding in a very narrow alleyway that faced a small park. "He looks like a Leo."

"Shut up, Sephiroth."

The silver haired villain was quiet for a few minutes. Then he tilted his head, moving his finger to point at a tall thing man with black hair.

"Who's the greasy fellow Leo's having tea with?"

Kefka's eyes narrowed further. "My father."

"Oooh," Sephiroth cocked his head the other way. "You get your looks from your mom."

"Yeah, I know."

"So whatcha gonna do now?" Sephiroth wondered.

"Well, since I can't blast him into little itty bitty pieces, I'd like to claw his eyes out."

"You'd probably get in trouble for that."

"Yeah," Kefka sighed, heavily. "I know."

"So...."

The blonde hopped over Sephiroth's shoulders, his hair clasp coming loose in the process. "Come on, let's go find Kuja. He's more important than them anyways."

Surprised crossed the other villain's face. "You're not going to talk to them?"

"No," Kefka said, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "They're better off dead."

:

"This mission is really starting to suck," Paine grumbled into the mouth of her beer bottle.

"I hate to say it, but I'm starting to agree," Yuna sighed.

"Zidane has to be somewhere," Rikku was stomping her feet. "He couldn't have just turned invisible or something!"

"Or maybe he could," Paine arched a brow.

"That's just gonna make his punishment have to be all the more brutal!"

"Don't be silly, Rikku," Yuna said. "We're not supposed to punish Zidane."

"Yeah," Paine peered up and down the street. "We're just supposed to kick his brother's ass."

"Phooey," Rikku crammed a little moogle-shaped cracker into her mouth. "Well, then we're going to have to take turns beating his face in."

"Ah, hurt time, my old friend," Paine said, sounding wistful.

Yuna shook her head. "Did I ever tell you that I felt sorry for your kids?"

Paine considered this. "No, not today."

"Then I must be slipping."

"Besides, I was a good mother," Paine gestured with her bottle.

"I won't ask what that is supposed to mean."

"Hey, I wasn't the one who ignored the laws and went crazy and turned your eldest son into an aeon," Paine snapped. Yuna snorted lightly.

"I was...it was...I...um..."

"You were out of your Yevon-hating mind," Paine said.

"You're not going to blame me for that again, are you?" Rikku asked, her mouth full of moogle crackers. "I mean, I was dead."

"No, I was just under a lot of stress, that's all," Yuna said, nodding decisively.

And that was that. Paine and Yuna continued drinking, while Rikku stuffed a few more crackers into her mouth.

"What happens if Zidane's brother leaves before we get to beat him up?" Rikku wondered after a few more unproductive minutes.

"Then...I guess we get a mission complete by default," Yuna said.

"That's never as much fun," Paine grumbled.

"Then we should get back on the trail and find that evil pretty boy!" Rikku spilled a few crackers as she jumped to her feet.

"Alright, alright, lemme just finish this beer."

:

"You know, I'd accuse Heaven of being boring, but Hell isn't much better," Kuja said. He and Zidane were taking turns working their way through a jumbo-size lemon slushie, while hiding in a park.

"Yeah," Zidane slurped, handing the cup back. "And we get food."

"Don't remind me again."

They watched as a man approached from elsewhere in the park.

"Ah, Lord Tribal, imagine seeing you on this side of town. Hiding from someone?" The man said, adjusting the delicate glasses on his nose. His voice was tinged with contempt. He looked from Zidane to Kuja. "And who's your lovely companion?"

"My big brother," Zidane said, smiling fiercely. Kuja bristled, noticing the man's leer.

He recognized the leer.

"I know who you are..." Kuja cringed.

"Mm?" The man looked surprised.

"How do you know Lord Palazzo?" Zidane wondered.

"He's Kefka's father."

"Ah, you know my son?" Lord Palazzo smiled thinly. "Then you must be another dirty fiend from Hell."

"D-Dirty?!" Kuja shrieked.

"W-woah, down boy!!" Zidane grabbed Kuja by the arms as the villain leapt to his feet. (Fortunately, he had set the slushie down on the bench, so that went unharmed.)

"Ooh, a temper," Palazzo grinned, still leering a bit.

Kuja was swearing in Terran, struggling against his brother's failing grip, when a shout rang out behind them.

"Ah-ha! It's them!" Rikku was pointing and grinning triumphantly. "And it looks like they're causing trouble!"

"Wow, she was right," Paine said as she and yuna arrived. They took a moment to pose.

Kuja faltered in his screaming, turning to look at the approaching women.

"What in the blue light of--"

"Stop right there, you fiend!" Yuna shouted, pointing at Kuja.

"Will you people quit calling me that?!"

"Wow, he really is pretty!" Rikku noted.

"Apparently Brother wasn't exaggerating, for once," Paine agreed.

Kuja looked uneasily from the Gullwings, to Lord Palazzo (who had used the distraction to scurry off to a bench several yards away), and finally back over his shoulder to Zidane.

"You guys must really be deprived," he said, pulling his arms free from Zidane's grasp. "Not that I'd disagree with you, but..." he paused, brushing his hair back.

"Less talking, more fighting!" Paine barked suddenly.

"Yeah!" Rikku hopped in place.

"Fight?" Kuja looked at Zidane again. "You mean you were serious about that?!"

"'Fraid so," the blonde Genome said, sheepish.

"I'm afraid I'm not fit to fight," Kuja said, raising his left hand. The power restrictors glimmered in the cheery light of Heaven's sun.

"Oh, poopies, they didn't say anything about him being unarmed," Rikku stomped her foot.

"I think since he's a fiend, we can still beat him up," Paine said.

"I told you, I'm not a--"

"Hey!" Rikku perked. "You're Zidane's brother, right?"

"Technically, yes," Kuja said, cringing uncertainly.

"Then you guys have matching tails, right?"

Kuja and Zidane exchanged a glance. The younger shrugged.

"Well, not exactly matching..."

:

"I hate this place!" Kefka hissed, kicking at a moogle who looked bound and determined to hump his leg. "I hate not having my magic!"

"Will you quit whining about that already?" Sephiroth sighed. "If it means that we don't have to be followed around by those creepy guards the whole time we're here, then it's worth it!"

"I wish we could just find Kuja and--" Kefka stopped, moogle still stuck to his pants. He tilted his head. Sephiroth copied the motion curiously.

"Ow! Let go of my tail!!"

"That sounds like Kuja, uwee!"

"But from where?"

"Sounds like at the park, kupo," the moogle said. Kefka looked down.

"Thank you, but will you kindly STOP HUMPING MY LEG?!"

"But the fabric's so nice, kupo."

Kefka shook his leg again. "Then why don't you go for a little variety and try his leg?!" He pointed at Sephiroth.

"Hey!"

"I don't like leather, kupo," the moogle shook its head.

"Hey!"

"Then I command you to let my freakin' leg go!"

"You can't order me around, kupo, you don't even live here!"

"I'll order you if I darn well please, and--"

"Dammit, will you listen to me?!" Sephiroth shrieked. Kefka and the moogle looked up at him in surprise.

"What is it, Mr. Pissy-pants?"

Sephiroth blushed a bit, his voice returning to normal. "Can we just go get Kuja now?"

"Yes!" Kefka gave his leg a vigorous shake, and sent the distracted moogle flying. "Let's go."

----

end chapter 38