"If music be the food of love, play on,
Give me excess of it; that surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die."
(William Shakespeare -Twelfth Night)

REMUS:

True to his word, Sirius asked Rebecca out almost as soon as the start of term feast ended. Remus had gone on ahead to the common room, so he never actually saw Sirius do it, but it was pretty obvious when Sirius returned with Rebecca in tow and the two of them squashed together on the sofa near the fire, which was usually reserved for the Marauders alone.

As Remus watched from the floor of a dark corner with Hamish in his lap, Rebecca laughed, flinging back her head so her dark curls moved in a way she obviously thought was seductive. He thought that it looked more like she was having some sort of chronic neck spasm.

She then proceeded to plant herself right in Sirius's lap and snuggle against him like a possessive cat, shooting sidelong glances at the other girls in the room – many of whom were watching the scene with envy.

Remus felt Moony stir and rise in him and his breath hitched in surprise. What the hell was wrong with him? Was he really that angry about the way that Sirius was using this girl? And why hadn't he been this angry with James, who was using Bronwyn in a way that was even worse?

"It's disgusting!"

Remus jumped as the distinctly feminine voice spoke his own thoughts aloud. He looked up to see Lily, who crouched down beside him, glaring in a different direction to where he was looking, and followed her gaze. Looking very out of place in her Ravenclaw colours, Bronwyn was curled up with James on another sofa, whispering in his ear. Remus wondered how James had sneaked her in. He couldn't remember ever having seen someone from another house in their common room before. It was amazing the lengths James would go to make Lily jealous.

Bronwyn giggled at something James said and snuggled up closer to him while the messy-haired boy put an arm around her waist. Remus wondered why teenagers always turned into romantic clichés when they wanted to show off their relationships to the outside world.

"This had better not be some stupid plan you boys have cooked up for fun," Lily said savagely, turning to glare at Remus. "Those are real girls with real feelings. You can't do that to people!"

"Don't look at me," he snapped back, more sharply than he had intended because Moony was still peering out of his eyes and growling in his mind. "Does it look like I have a pretty girl sitting in my lap and clinging on to my every word? I have a hedgehog in my lap and an annoying girl squatting beside me, rudely accusing me of doing something that I don't even want to be happening in the first place. We're the Marauders! They shouldn't…they shouldn't…argh!" he couldn't think of a way to finish his sentence, so he settled for sending a poisonous glance at Lily before going back to glowering at Sirius.

"Good heavens, Remus." Lily looked taken aback. "I just asked."

"No, you accused! Now leave me alone!"

She stared at him. "What's got yourknickers in a twist?"

"I said leave me alone!"

Lily followed his gaze towards Sirius, looked back at Remus. Then she looked at Sirius once more. Her mouth opened, then closed.

"What?" Remus snapped.

Her mouth opened again and stayed like that as she glanced towards a group of girls who were sending envious looks at Rebecca and Sirius, then back to Remus again.

"Oh my God," she murmured, and rocked back on her haunches so her behind fell with a thump to the floor beside Remus. "Oh my God, Remus."

"What?" He turned his full attention to her and scowled. "I thought I told you to leave."

"Oh you poor thing. You poor, poor thing. And after everything else you've been through with your father and being ill, as well."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Do they know?" Lily whispered. "Your friends I mean."

"What?" Suddenly Remus forgot everything else as he took in her expression of shocked and slightly disturbed pity. He had only seen that expression a few times before – whenever someone found out about his lycanthropy. He felt every muscle in his body tense and begin shaking. Hamish shifted in his lap and sent a concerned glance upwards to Remus's face. "Oh no… p-p-please… How did you g-g-guess? Please don't tell anyone!"

"So it's true?" she whispered. "I thought – but then – Remus, it's really frowned on in Wizarding society. I mean it's frowned on in Muggle society, but in Wizarding society it's even worse and things could get really nasty for you if people found out."

"Y-y-you won't tell anyone?"

Lily placed a gentle hand on his arm. "Of course I wouldn't. You can't help who you are."

"Th-thank you!" Remus felt as though his muscles were dissolving and sagged against the wall with his eyes closed. "You don't know – hang on!" He sat up again and stared at her. "Muggles know about us?"

"Of course!" she looked affronted. "Muggles are humans too, you know. There are just as many gay people among them as among wizards I reckon."

Remus froze, his mouth half open. His mind went completely blank for a few seconds before he managed to choke out, "what did you say?"

"I said," Lily repeated, a little impatiently, "that there are just as many g –"

"No, stop, stop! I heard you the first time! Merlin, girl, don't repeat it!"

"You asked me to!"

Remus put his face in his hands. He didn't know whether to laugh hysterically or cry. "Heavens, Lily, you got it all wrong. I thought you were talking about something else. What in Merlin's name made you think…oh." He glanced up at Sirius, then back at Lily. "That wasn't it. I wasn't angry because I'm…because I…because of that. It's not like that between us!" His heart was hammering against his ribcage as he struggled to make her understand. "Not that!"

"Oh really?" she said sceptically. "I've never seen such a rejected-puppy look on anyone's face in my entire life. If you're not in love with him, you have to be in love with Rebecca and I've never seen you look twice at her before."

"I wasn't!" Remus said desperately. "You've got it all wrong!"

"No, I haven't. You're just in denial. It all makes sense now – the way you look at him and talk about him. I remember the way you held him up with two dislocated arms that day in the corridor to stop him falling, without a single complaint."

"N…no…"

"Yes! And on the Quidditch pitch? You were so focused on Black you never even saw Potter score. I was sitting right behind you, and Pettigrew almost knocked me off my seat he was elbowing you so hard."

"Evans, stop!"

"'Evans' now, is it?" she looked triumphant. "I hit a nerve, didn't I?"

"S-stop!" Remus felt desperate tears well up in his eyes. He felt like she was tearing him open and making everything he had felt was so special seem tainted and wrong.

Lily's green eyes met his own and suddenly filled with remorse. "Oh Remus! Remus, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have… I'm sorry. Please, I really am. I shouldn't have said all that. I'm sorry."

"Just l-leave me alone," Remus whispered.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said, trying to put an arm around him, which he shrugged off. "I just…" she stopped and he felt her stiffen. "You thought I meant something else," she murmured. "Before – when I promised not to tell. You thought I meant something else." She leant back and studied his horror-stricken face. "How many secrets do you have, Remus Lupin? How many secrets are you keeping? At least one other big one, hm? One that could get you ostracised or even killed by Wizarding society. And it's about who you are as well, isn't it? Something you are. What is it?"

Remus felt sick to his very bones. He scrambled to his feet, clutching Hamish to his chest. Lily followed and tried to hold him back with her hand on his arm. "I'm gay," Remus whispered to her desperately. It was the lesser of two evils. He wouldn't be killed for it. "You were right. I'm g-gay, and I didn't want you to know. There's nothing else. No other secrets. I like blokes. That's all."

"Liar!" she whispered back, holding onto his arm. "It's worse than being gay? You're so frightened I'll find out, you'll even admit to that to put me off?"

A frightened sob jerked its way out of his lungs and Lily dropped his arm immediately. "You can tell me. I'm your friend."

Remus turned and sprinted towards the boys' dorms, up the stairs and into the Marauders' room. He dropped Hamish on his pillow and flung himself down next to the hedgehog, burying his face.

Only a few minutes passed before his sensitive ears picked up the sound of approaching footsteps. His nose was still pressed against his bed so he couldn't smell who it was until a gentle hand was pressed against his back. "Moony?"

Sirius. Everything else that Lily had said that evening flooded back in a tidal wave of emotion. "Get away from me!" he screamed, his voice muffled. A freak, he thought, a freak. Please, Merlin and all the gods, let me not be even more of a freak that I already am…

Sirius jerked his hand away. "Remus, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're upset! What did I do?"

Nothing! You're wonderful and perfect and, GOD DAMN HER, she was right. I would do anything in the world for you. Twisted freak. Out loud he only screamed, "Get away from me!" again.

After a long moment, he heard Sirius get up and leave. He rolled onto his back and closed his eyes. Right now, he wished more than anything he could just give up. Throw in the towel and yell to whoever it was up there that controlled fate, "I give up! I give up, damn you! Just leave me and be done with it."

Hamish crept over and nuzzled Remus's cheek with his little black nose. A tear escaped from under his closed eyelid and tricked down his cheek.

"Remus?"

He turned his face towards the door without opening his eyes. "Just leave me alone, J-James."

"I go to all the effort of going out with a random girl to get Evans's attention and you're the one who has to fight her off," James said, obviously trying to lighten the atmosphere.

Remus rolled onto his side so his back faced the door. He reached out to stroke Hamish's head.

"Sirius is upset. He doesn't know what he did to make you mad at him."

"I'm not mad at him," Remus said hoarsely.

"No?" James came closer and Remus felt his bed dip as he sat on it. "It sounds like you are."

"Moony's tetchy. I'm mad at everyone."

"Why's Moony tetchy? It's ages until full moon."

"Bugger off and snuggle with your girl, James. Leave me alone."

"Is it the girls? Is Moony seeing them as a threat to our pack? 'Cos he doesn't have to. We'll always be the Marauders. No girls are going to change that. Blimey, Moony. I've never seen you this mad at anyone. Was it something Evans said?"

Remus let out a frustrated growl that definitely sounded more like Moony than himself and glowered over his shoulder at James. "I think she's figuring out my secret. There. Happy now?"

"What?" James asked faintly. "Which one?"

"Which one do you think? How many bloody secrets do you think I'm keeping?"

"With you, Moony, I don't think anyone but you knows. You're a master at keeping secrets."

"Some master!" Remus said bitterly. "Every time I turn around there's a new person with that expression on their face. 'Oh, poor Remus! Your father beats you,' 'oh poor Remus, your mother was torn to shreds in front of your eyes', 'oh poor Remus, you're a werewolf,' 'oh poor Remus, poor Remus, poor bloody Remus. Why do you have so many secrets, Remus? Don't you want our pity?' 'We pity you for being a freak.'"

He curled around his pillow, hate, hurt, anger, and frustration welling up inside him. "And do you know what the worst thing is?" he demanded, clenching his hands into fists and pressing them against the pillow at his chest. "I do want it. I do want their pity because it's so much better than their hate, or their fear, or their f-f-fists beating and beating, and s-s-silver whips, and spoons, and pokers…"

He curled up tighter, barely aware of James's shocked presence anymore. "And I want their pity because it's almost like caring, but sometimes it's not enough. And sometimes I just want someone to stand up for me and say 'That's enough for Remus. He's enough of a freak now. Leave him alone. He doesn't want hate, or hurt, or beating, or even pity anymore, because he's tired now. Now he just w-w-wants to s-s-sleep." Remus let out a shuddering breath and finally fell silent.

"If I could do that, I would," James whispered. "If I could stand up there and say that for you, I would. I do care. I do. And so does Sirius and so does Peter. And everyone else can go to hell if they want to pity you. You don't deserve pity. You deserve admiration, and humour, and friendship, and - and – and love, and I am completely the wrong person to be telling you all of this and I wish Sirius would stop skulking in the doorway, eavesdropping, and help me out – but it's all true Moony."

Remus raised his head a little and tilted it towards the doorway. Sure enough, Sirius was there, sitting hunched against the frame with his knees drawn up to his chest and his hands clenched in his hair. The expression of distress on his face was so acute that the pain it caused in Remus's chest was violent and physical.

Closing his eyes again, Remus tried to push away the rush of self-hatred that rose in his chest for causing that look on Sirius's normally buoyant and cheerful face. "You're right," he said eventually, struggling to keep his voice level. "Of course you're r-right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. I didn't mean them. Lily wound me up so tight I just had a go at the first person I saw. I didn't mean any of it. Don't worry." He was quite proud of how calm and pleasant his voice sounded, but when he glanced up he saw that James's and Sirius's expressions were anything but reassured.

"You can't keep doing that, you know," Sirius said from the doorway.

"Doing what?"

"Bottling everything up like that. You meant every word of what you said. You do just want to give up right now, don't you? I don't know what Evans said to you, but it sent you over the edge." Sirius didn't look up from his knees as he spoke.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm fine now. And I really am glad to have you three. I know you care about me. We're the Marauders."

James wordlessly reached out and picked up one of Remus's hands. Remus watched with almost detached resignation as his friend used both his hands and all his strength to prise open Remus's fingers, which had locked themselves into a fist. When his hand opened, the little red crescents caused by his nails were so deep that blood welled from them. There was a long moment as all three boys stared at the little wounds.

Then Sirius pushed himself to his feet and went to Remus's trunk. He opened it and pulled out a healing ointment. Neither he nor James said a word as he took Remus's hand from James's and began smoothing the potion onto his palm. Remus felt his heart quicken as Sirius's Quidditch-roughened hand held his own so gently. He wondered at how completely blind he had been not to realise how he felt before. Sirius's scent was so warm and close to him now that he felt slightly drunk on it. He knew he should pull away. He was taking advantage of Sirius in the same way that Sirius himself had taken advantage of Rebecca, but right now he just didn't have the will power.

This. This was perfect. This stolen moment that he viewed in such a different way to Sirius. As Sirius lifted his other hand and gently prised open each finger, Remus's mind screamed, his heart sang and his soul wept. His face, on the other hand, was as placid as the full moon.

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Remus was good at acting. Sometimes he was holding up so many false personas at once, for so many different people, that he forgot who he was really supposed to be. At times like these he wondered if the person he was, was made up of all those personas - And if someone managed to break through them, perhaps all they would discover underneath would be an empty, suffocated shell of the real person he might have been.

But the skill did come in useful over the next couple of weeks as he was forced to watch Sirius and Rebecca at every opportunity – stealing kisses, holding hands, and cuddling. Sometimes, Sirius would come back to the dorm, his mouth swollen and pink and his voice filled with pride as be boasted to his friends about his latest snogging session.

Somehow, Sirius had managed to sweet-talk Professor McGonagall into letting him take Muggle Studies this late in the year, but instead of making the lesson better for Remus, it turned into a twice-weekly torture. The seat beside Remus had already been taken, so Sirius sat in front of him instead, beside Rebecca. Remus couldn't count the number of quills he had accidentally crushed as he eyes were drawn to the game of footsie between Sirius and Rebecca under the table, or to Rebecca's hand on Sirius's thigh.

Sometimes Sirius would turn around to send him a grin and a wink; "Alright Moony?"

Of course, Remus would always smile his placid, dependable, book-worm smile and counter with "Concentrate, you idiot. You have six months to catch up on," while his mind stored up the wink for future perusal and his stomach churned with guilt.

He knew that his happy mask was a little too brittle to be completely believable because James, Sirius, and Peter often sent him worried or bemused glances, and more than once, he had caught the three of them huddled together whispering, stopping guiltily as he approached.

He also knew that he would pay for his turmoil of emotions when Moony had the reins to their body. He didn't think he had ever felt this heart-sore or disorientated before. After his mother' death, he had been too young, and after his father was thrown into prison, positive emotions of relief and hope had checked the worst of his guilt and stress.

No, this was the worst he could ever remember feeling emotionally, and the fact that he didn't dare to share it with anyone else only served to bottle up and distil his feelings of helpless panic, self-loathing, and longing. He hated hiding this much from his friends, but he knew he would not survive if they turned on him when they found out about his newest secret. His newest abnormality.

On the evening before the full moon, as he sat hunched under a table in the library trying to complete his homework, Remus wondered, in all seriousness, if he would even survive the coming transformation. What scared him even more was that some deep part of himself – perhaps that lost part that was just him, hoped that he wouldn't. He was just so tired of coping all the time. It seemed like such an easy option to just...let go.

He stiffened as he sensed Sirius's approach. He could smell Rebecca's scent mixed strongly with his friend's so he knew Sirius had just left her. He curled further into the shadows as Sirius stopped at his table. He was too tired and weak with the approaching moon to face acting for his friend.

Sirius didn't seem to see him because he pulled out the chair Remus had placed in front of the table to conceal himself and sat on it without peering under the table. His long legs stretched out beside Remus and he crossed his booted feet at the ankles. He then leant forward, blocking out Remus's light and appeared to be resting his head and arms on the table in front of him.

Remus sat in dead silence, huddled to one side and trying not to look at Sirius's muscular thighs. He almost choked in surprise when Sirius suddenly spoke.

"Are you ignoring me, Moony?"

Remus found that he couldn't answer. He drew his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead on them. His body was preparing for the transformation and he knew he was running a high temperature even as his head pounded with pain and his muscles cramped.

"I know you're there. I saw the shadows shifting when I came in."

"I do talk to you," Remus mumbled against his knees.

"Only when you have to. Otherwise you avoid me. Especially when I'm with Rebecca. James was right, wasn't he? The girls are upsetting Moony. He feels like his pack is threatened. That's why you're not yourself."

It was a good a reason as any, but Remus couldn't bring himself to actively aid in the lie, so he remained silent.

"Am I right?"

Remus sighed and shifted, wishing he didn't feel so hot and nauseous. Sirius was quiet for a long time; waiting for an answer. Eventually, he let out a little huff of air and there was a light thump as his forehead connected with the table.

"Do you want me to dump her? I'll do it if you ask me to."

Remus felt his breath catch in his throat. It would be so easy to say yes. But then what? Sirius would get another girl. Would he keep dumping them for the sake of his ragged werewolf friend? And even if he did, could Remus bring himself to ask the boy, who meant everything to him, to deprive himself of that pleasure for the sake of a one-sided love that could never be reciprocated?

"No," he whispered. "Don't do that. You like her."

Sirius gave a non-committal hum and drummed his fingers against the table. "She's not a Marauder," he answered. "Marauders always come first. There's a lot of other girls out there who are just as pretty. Though I guess that wouldn't matter to Moony."

No, Remus thought, it wouldn't. As long as they were with you, it wouldn't matter who they were.

"She's fine," Remus lied. "I like her. And she makes you happy. I want you to be happy. I want my whole pack to be happy."

"That was a pretty speech, Moony," Sirius said wryly. "I don't believe a word of it."

Remus reached out and gathered his homework things together, stuffing them into his bag, wondering, as he did, why he had bothered to complete so much of it. He froze when Sirius uncrossed his ankles and nudged him gently with the toe of his boot. "You still awake down there?"

"Would you look after Hamish for me?" Remus asked, picking up the dozing hedgehog out of his nest of screwed-up parchment and stroking his little head fondly.

"You know we always do on full moon nights," Sirius said.

Remush reached up and placed Hamish in Sirius's lap, his heart leaping as his fingers brushed Sirius's thigh.

"No," he said softly. "I mean if anything ever happened to me." He glanced at Hamish whose red and gold spines glinted in the soft light of the library. "I just want to know that you wouldn't give him away or anything."

"Remus, what's going on?" Sirius's voice was laced with panic. "Is something going to happen tonight?"

"Just my transformation. You know that. I just wanted to check." He almost wished he hadn't said anything, but he'd felt he had to – for Hamish.

Suddenly, Sirius's hands appeared and lifted Hamish off his lap and onto the table. They reappeared again, and before Remus had a chance to react, they had made a blind grab for him and pulled him out from under the table by his upper arms. Remus struggled violently. There was a reason he had hidden himself away in the library this evening, and he couldn't let Sirius see his face.

He was weak, though, and wasn't able to prevent Sirius from locking his upper body between his knees to keep him from escaping and roughly lifting his chin to the light. Even though the situation was desperate, Remus couldn't prevent his body from reacting to their position. It was as if now that he had acknowledged his feelings for Sirius, they had grown even more potent. He wondered if his blush showed around the fever-flush already on his cheeks.

"Merlin and Mordred, Remus!" Sirius swore. "What the hell is going on? Your face – how long have you been this ill?"

"It's just the transformation…" Remus started.

"Transformation, my arse! Tell me the truth!" He gave Remus's head a little shake for emphasis and Remus closed his eyes as a wave of nausea washed over him. "Oh God, I'm sorry." Sirius pressed his palm to Remus's forehead. "You're so hot."

"Thank you," Remus said, completely unable to help himself.

In spite of himself, Sirius's mouth quirked into a half-smile. "Idiot. This is serious."

"And this is Remus," Remus said. "And Remus would be very grateful if Sirius would release him so he can go off and become a slavering monster for the night."

"Not until you tell me what's going on."

Remus suddenly thought that if he did die this night, Sirius would always blame himself. He knew he would, because for some reason he'd got it into his stupid head that Remus was angry with him. With great resignation, Remus realised that he would have to say something; to explain at least a little. "Fine." He murmured. "Okay, fine." What could he tell Sirius? He didn't really want to lie to his friend. "It's...It's not your fault. It's something else. A new secret of mine." He smiled up at Sirius and he hoped it didn't look as bitter as it felt. "You know me and secrets. I never tell. Even if it kills me. But you can know it was nothing you've done. It's not your fault at all. Or James's, or Peter's, or even Lily's, before you ask."

"Damn it, Remus!" Sirius snapped. "This isn't a bloody game! You could die tonight if you're this ill."

"I might," Remus agreed softly. "Which means you won't have time to work out my secret." He sighed. "I never tell, but people always work me out anyway. Sometimes they're just too big to keep. They leak out around the edges."

"Tell me!"

"It's almost moonrise. You'd best let me go."

"Never! Don't you remember Moony? You said it to me once. I got you. I won't let go."

"We were hanging off the edge of a stone wall," Remus said, wishing that Sirius meant those words in a different way – the way Remus had unconsciously meant them even as he had voiced them all those months ago. He wondered how it was that Muggle songs seemed to dictate his life as much as they had his mother's. "You weren't threatening to tear me to shreds and eat me. Let go, Sirius!"

"Tell me, Moony! Please?"

It was that last broken plea that broke through Remus's meagre defences. A hint, he thought. He'll never make the connection, and I would have said it in a roundabout way. I would have told him that I love him. And I do. I know that right now. I love him.

"Sirius." He broke off from his struggles for a moment. "You don't know how much it means to me – everything you've done for me. No matter what, you're always there for me. When I'm sad, you act like a clown to cheer me up. When I'm scared, you're always around to help me fight my demons." Would Sirius ever make the connection? Remus truly didn't know, but it was too late to go back now. "I'll try not to die tonight, I promise. I mean, come on – I've looked worse."

"Not before the moon," Sirius said, his hands tightening on Remus's arms. "Moony's going to rip you to shreds."

Remus looked up into those concerned grey eyes and felt a sudden, desperate desire to press his mouth to Sirius's and kiss away the fear on his face. It was only his horror of how Sirius might react that prevented him from leaning those few crucial inches

"Let me go, Sirius. I really have to leave now."

Reluctantly, Sirius unclenched his knees so Remus's arms were no longer pinned to his sides and released him.

"You'll look after Hamish?"

"You know I will."