[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to all of you who read and review. I'm always looking forward to read your nice comments. They make me smile.

FAQ's

Is Jasper going to make a move on Alice?

Not sure yet, but I'm sure he's aware that she's a very attractive woman.

Is Erica gay or straight?

She's bisexual

As always feel free to ask me questions, should you have any

**38**

There are topics that are so terribly unpleasant for me to talk about that I try avoiding them at all costs.

This here is definitely one of them. I swallow back a wave of embarrassment when Alice takes a closer look at one of the foil-wrapped Trojans.

"I don't like those very much. They smell yucky and I don't think it's very romantic how you always rush off to the bathroom the minute you're finished."

I pull her on my lap and nuzzle my face against her damp hair while I wonder how I should start the upcoming conversation with her.

"I know, but unfortunately they are inevitable. I don't want to risk anything."

It was so wrong to do it without a condom at all. If something happened, if she—no I better not think about it. That would be fatal.

"Don't you believe me that I'm clean?"

"It's not because of that and of course I believe you. Why would you lie to me?"

She raises her head and when her lips touch against mine, I enjoy the amazing warmth that radiates through my heart. Is this how it feels like to be truly happy? I love Alice and I'm planning on doing everything that's within my power to make her dreams come true. Painting is what she wants to do and her parents are stupid for holding her back.

"Are you scared I could get pregnant?"

There it is. The topic I've been trying to avoid with her. God, damn it, this is going to be so awkward.

"Bella?"

"Yes." I whisper hoarsely after a few moments. "Yes, I'm scared about that."

"Because it would be too soon for us to have a baby now. Right?"

I sigh and take a deep breath before I speak up, desperate to keep my voice calm although I'm very agitated deep inside me.

"I don't want to have kids of my own. Not now and not in the future. I can't do that to a child to have to deal with a freak like me for a parent."

"You're not a freak. Stop talking so low of yourself. I can't stand that."

"Alice, I can't put a child through being bullied for having a father who would prefer being a mother. That's just too much. I 'd rather die."

She nods her head and stands up from my lap. Her eyes look glassy now and I cringe when she rushes off to the bathroom and slams the door behind her.

Crap, now I've offended her.

"Alice, baby, please don't be mad at me now." I tell her through the closed door before I sit down on the cold floor in front of it.

When she opens the door again, Alice almost drops over me.

"Please, don't be angry at me. It doesn't mean I love you less that I don't want kids."

"But I do want kids. Not now of course but in a few years, I want some. I always wanted to be a Mom."

She sits down next to me and takes my hand in hers, caressing it tenderly by planting kisses on each of my fingertips.

"Maybe you'll change your mind. We have time."

I bite my tongue to keep me from spilling the whole awful truth to her. Time won't make a shitty difference to me. People like me shouldn't have kids. Leon's ex managed to get custody for both of his sons and she rarely gets to see them at all now. You can't explain something as strange and complicated as transsexuality to a child.

"I really do want kids. It's important to me."

"Kay," I mumble, unable to bring out more words. Maybe I can convince her on how wrong it would be to put a child into this mess that is my life. The question is whether my love for her will be enough. I don't want her to miss out anything just because I'm the way I am. She deserves better than me, so much better.

"Fine," Alice whispers, leaning her head against my chest. I wrap my arms around her and pull her as close to me as I can.

I don't want to be without her. I can't be without her. She's everything to me.

"I still don't like the condoms. Would you want me to go on the pill or something like that?"

"You'd do that?"

"Sure, why not. It's not for forever. Right?"

I don't know whether she's referring to the kids topic again or to my bottom surgery. I'm still not sure about the surgery and Erica is right that it has mostly to do with Alice. I like the sex with her the way it is and no one can guarantee me how things will be like once I get my vaginoplasty. I already had so many surgeries since I started by transition and somehow, although my final goal is not finished I feel exhausted.

I wished I could just wake up and be normal. Just for one day to know how that is like. Our relationship could be so much less complicated if I had been born in the right body.

"You'll come with me when I go to see the gynecologist? It's not like I'm looking forward to have some freaky doctor peak into me."

"If you want me to, I'll come with you. I'm sorry that we have to deal with this contraception crap. If I were a normal woman—"

"Bella, there is no use in talking about this if all the time. I told you that I'm okay with you being transgender. You need to start believing me."

I kiss her lips and when my tongue touches hers in the wet heat of her mouth I can hear her moan into my mouth.

She pulls back and takes my face between her hands, stroking down my jaw with her dainty fingertips.

"I love you. I want us to have a future together and this baby thing, well to me that's part of it."