Chapter 36:

RPOV

It broke my heart knowing Dimitri was hurting over the caves. I wanted to tell him that it was my choice. I knew I wouldn't be coming back from that, but that it didn't matter, if he hadn't come back from the caves my life would have been over anyway. But whenever I wanted to talk to him, I choked up. I simply couldn't think back to that time without shutting down. It was the only way I could handle it. By not handling it.

I had been plagued by darkness before. I understood the mechanics. But this was different. Even though there were similarities. Both had been out of my control. I wasn't my fault I got turned. The monster inside me did those things, I just wasn't strong enough to stop it. Dimitri had been there to bring me back from the darkness before, and now he was doing it again. But the darkness before, wasn't my own. It was Lissa's. It brought out a primordial rage but it simply shoved the real Rose back. I had never been aware of the things I did while under the influence of Lissa's darkness.

As a Strigoi however, I remember everything. I was conscious when I did those things. It was me that did those things, just the worst part of me. I didn't have my soul telling me what was right and what was wrong, but it was me. And that scared me. My time with Dimitri, was me. My hatred and resentment of Lissa was me. All me.

The only time I didn't feel completely overwhelmed by my past actions was when I was in Dimitri's arms. He still could keep me grounded. He was still the only one that could.

But I didn't know how to get back to the way we were. I couldn't bring myself to kiss him. I didn't know if he regretted the time we spend in Las Vegas together. I didn't know if I would be reminded of what I did to him. God, I fed off of him. At the time it had felt so good, but know I was ashamed.

But as I was sitting at the table with his mother, grandmother and Adrian, watching him so hurt, I knew I wasn't the only one who was hurting. He went to my funeral. He charged himself with the task of killing me, of setting me free. I was grateful to him for that. I wondered if it wouldn't have been better if he had killed me. I was desperately trying to get back to him, to who I was, but I feared she was gone. And all that remained was a broken girl unable to do anything herself.

We had been sitting on the kitchen table when a girl walked in. Her eyes were brown like Dimitri's and her hair color was also similar. I knew it had to be one of his sisters, the youngest one. Victoria.

Her eyes widened in seeing Dimitri. She flung her arms around his neck, nearly hitting me in the face. When she pulled back Dimitri's gaze darkened and he looked menacing at Adrian. He slapped him on the head.

"She is your cousin, remember."

Adrian was rubbing his head.

"Well can't blame a guy for looking." And as if on cue, Adrian's gaze turned to me and it was followed by another hit on the head by Dimitri.

I was still getting used to them being bonded. They were an odd pair but somehow it fit them. Like brothers. Well cousins. I never had siblings, but I knew about sibling rivalry. Dimitri was the calm one and Adrian was the rash one.

Victoria looked at Adrian and smiled while throwing her hair back. Adrian returned the grin until he saw Dimitri's face and then the smirk was wiped off of his face immediately.

"Hai, I am Adrian, your brother's charge."

"And your cousin." Dimitri finished just to make sure Victoria got the message too.

"Cousin. I didn't know we had cousins."

"yeah well. Now you do."

Victoria glared at him. Dimitri had always said I looked most like Victoria on the inside, both of us very feisty. But as I was looking at the beautiful feisty girl in front me of I saw no resemblance to myself. Whatever Dimitri had seen in me wasn't there anymore. I wondered if he would eventually notice this and leave. I subconsciously squeezed his hands in an attempt to stop him from leaving.

Dimitri looked over at me, wondering what was wrong. My face must have betrayed me because he came closer and ran his fingers through my hair. I didn't know why, but it always calmed me down. He looked at me with so much love when he spoke, I wondered when he would realize that the girl he is looking at is not the same girl he fell in love with.

"Victoria, this is Rose, Rose this is my sister Victoria."

Victoria looked over me confused.

"Hi." She said a little awkward. Even if she hadn't seen her brother in a while, she understood the dynamics between Dimitri and I, well how our dynamics were in the past. I have no clue of what exactly they were right now.

"Hi" I answered back.

The door opened and two women, both holding a baby and a boy about seven years old walked in. I assumed these were his other sisters.

"I swear if my manager shortens one more break, because it is too busy, I am going to strangle him. It's freaking Baia, how busy can it be." The younger one of the two said.

The other just rolled her eyes behind her, so she wouldn't see. Both stopped in their track when they finally noticed the crowd and their brother.

"Dimka!"

Olena was quick enough to take both babies from the women before they lunged themselves at him. This time I did actually get hit by the one that had been bitching about her boss. Sonya, I presumed.

"Dimka, what are you doing here. Why haven't you called, you know you made mom worry, don't ever do that again, she is a pain when she is worried about her baby boy."

I saw Adrian snicker behind Dimitri's back at the mention of his mother's baby boy. Even though Dimitri couldn't see Adrian, I knew he could tell, because his gaze darkened again.

The girls finally let go of him and looked around the room.

"Who are you? Sonya said to both Adrian and me. But before either of us could answer Victoria did it for us.

"The cute one is Dimka's charge and apparently our cousin, but that might just be a ruse in keeping me away from him."

"It is not."

"And the other one is Rose, his girlfriend."

"She looks way too young to be his girlfriend. And that boy is too old for you, cousin or no cousin." Sonya replied.

My God, did they ever shut up. The oldest sister Karolina, was just standing there observing the scene in front of her. More importantly she was studying me. I looked away from her gaze.

The little boy came up to his mother's side and yanked her sleeve. She crouched down in front of him.

"Do you know who that is?" She said to her son and pointing at Dimitri.

The boy shook his head.

"That is your uncle Dimitri. He has been away for a while protecting very important people form the bad guys."

You could see his face light up and he ran across the room and into Dimitri's arms. It was enough of a scene that the two girls stopped bickering and both 'ahhed' at the display.

When the boy was done hugging his uncle he looked at me.

"You're pretty."

I was a little taken aback by that, but Dimitri laughed. It was good to hear him laugh.

"That she is Paul, that she is. Why don't you go say hello to Rose."

He got off of Dimitri and now stood in front of me.

"Hi."

"Hi." This boy was cute. He looked a little like Dimitri, he had big brown eyes and brown hair like the rest of the Belikov's.

"Do you want to play with my cars, I got a new one yesterday?"

Dimitri looked at me and signaled that I didn't have to if I didn't want to, but actually playing cars with a seven year old seemed a lot more simple then staying in the kitchen and explaining everything to Dimitri's family again.

"Sure."

And I followed Paul into the living room. The two babies, girls by the looks of it where placed in the play pen and the mothers returned to the kitchen to grill their brother.

DPOV

"Really Dimitri, that is your girlfriend? is she even older then Victoria? Is she even legal?" Sonya practically sneered at me. Sonya was always the most moody of the three sisters. I on the contrary to my sisters and mother would not tolerate that.

"Really Sonya, YOU want to lecture me about choice in partners."

At least she had the decency to look guilty before she became angry.

"I love Rose and if any of you have a problem with that, that is your problem not mine."

Karolina, the most sensible out of all of us and closest to me in age and personality sat down next me.

"Tell me about her."

"Rose has been through a lot lately. She isn't herself. But when she gets back to herself you are going to love her like I do."

"Well maybe not exactly like you do. That would be awkward, but I would definitely watch that though." Adrian was getting on my nerves. He seemed to make every situation worse.

"How come every time you open your mouth, nonsense comes out."

"A gift."

He grinned and Karolina had to hold in her laughter. When I looked at her angry she tried very hard to cover it up. I continued in the hope of shutting Adrian up.

"Roza is strong and loyal and incredibly passionate, and always puts others and her duty first. In some ways we are exactly the same and in some she is my complete opposite, but nobody knows me like she does."

Well some Russian women do. I know she wasn't your first.

At least he had the decency to say this through the bond and not out loud. I tried very hard to ignore him, but I could tell from the smirk on Adrian's face that he was reading my aura and my aura couldn't ignore him. Bastard.

"How did you meet her?"

Now Adrian outright laughed.

"Okay that is it. Out, go play with Paul. You know where the other children are."

"Are you saying Rose is a child, I mean she was when you met her."

"Argh." And I pushed him out the kitchen otherwise I would strangle him.

I took my seat again and put the hair behind my ear, trying to compose myself again. The women in the kitchen just stared at me. I don't think they have ever seen anyone get under my skin so much.

"I met Rose when I brought her and princess Vasilisa back to ."

"Rose was her guardian?"

Oh that would have been so much easier. Well we would still have the same charge but at least I wouldn't have gone to jail for sleeping with Rose.

"No, Rose was a novice"

I let that sink in a bit. Karolina realized it first but didn't say anything I just saw her eyes widen a bit and knowingly look my way. Rose thought I had picked up my guardian mask from school, but that wasn't true. I learned it from my grandmother and Karolina. Both excellent in hiding their true emotions. However, my other two sisters weren't as subtle.

"A student? Rose is a student?"

"She WAS my student."

"Well she must really be something if she could get my goody-two shoes brother to break the rules."

Oh if only they knew of some of the things Ivan and I did when we were younger. Although Ivan was the instigator and I followed him to keep him out of trouble. I wondered if I would have to do the same with Adrian.

"That she is."

"Dimka? Does what happened to her have anything to do with why we haven't heard from you in a few months?"

Karolina was always the smart one.

I nodded. I wasn't going into details with my sisters.

"I thought she was lost to me and I didn't handle it very well. But we found a way to get her back. She is just traumatized and needs time to heal. So please, don't be too hard on her."

Karolina nodded, the other two still contemplating my request. I knew they had questions about her. To ask her, I just hoped they would be gentle with Rose. She was improving a bit and I didn't want to jeopardize that.

After that my mother kicked us out of the kitchen and started on dinner. I walked into the room and saw Rose playing with Paul and Adrian watching TV. Although I doubt he could understand much. His Russian wasn't very good.

When he saw me he smiled. I just rolled my eyes. When Rose saw me she got up and walked towards me. She stood in front of me and I ran my hand through her hair, putting some of it behind her ear. I didn't know any more if I was doing it to make her feel better or myself. She handed me a book and I realized it was one of my old western novels. I walked over to the couch and laid down. I crossed my legs at the ankles and Rose took her spot on the couch next to me. Her head on my chest and one leg over mine. I opened the book with one hand while I was running my fingers through her hair with the other. Even if she would never get back to herself, this was enough for me.

My sisters looked at me funny but I ignored them. Until it was time for dinner. My mother got all of us and I kissed Rose's head before getting up. Her hair was all tussled from lying on me and I straightened it out for her. After which she followed me to the dining table. I sat down and looked at the feast my mother had cooked up. I had missed her cooking. Hell I had missed any homecooked meal. I saw Adrian look at me.

Is this eatable? There isn't any dog or rat in there, right?

I shook my head. Not in answer to his question but to dismiss him entirely. Russian food wasn't that different from what he is used to.

I packed on my plate and helped Rose fill hers. I knew what she would like and gave her an extra helping of those. When I handed her the plate she looked at me the same way Adrian had looked. But somehow on Rose it was cute whereas on Adrian it was annoying.

"Try it. It's good."

She put some on her fork and carefully placed it in her mouth. She moaned and I knew she liked it. I on the other hand had a hard time not remembering the last time she moaned like that, in an entirely different situation, thank God my guardian mask was in place. Adrian, however, smirked at me. Damn aura's.

"Dimka, I need you and you charge to help me with something tomorrow. I don't mind if Rose's tags along."

My grandmother said in Russian. I was wondering why Babushka needed Adrian to come along, he was useless in anything except shopping, and well bringing people back from the dead. I guess he did have his uses.

"Sure Babushka, whatever you need."

As we ate I noticed Rose eating less and less, and becoming more and more anxious. She kept staring outside and I realized the sun would be setting soon. She was running her nails down her arms again, but at least she wasn't drawing blood this time.

I took her hands in mine.

"There aren't any Strigoi here. The town is protected too much. You're safe here." She looked at me and I saw fear in her eyes. But she wasn't afraid off something, she was afraid for something.

"And who will protect everyone from me?"

So that's it. She is afraid of the dark because it reminds her off all the terrible things she had done as a Strigoi. I didn't know how to make her realize the dark doesn't change her. It had been the fact that her soul was taken from her by whoever turned her that made her the way she was. Logically she knew this, but emotionally she associated the dark with all the terrible things she has done. It was different for Rose I realized. She had been infected with darkness before and couldn't control her actions. She had nearly killed people a couple of times when it had become too much. Maybe she thinks the darkness of a Strigoi can come back just like Spirit darkness can.

I turned towards her and grabbed her head in my hands, my hands on either side of her face.

"Listen to me Rose, that is not you, it was never you. You're back now. You are not going to hurt anyone. You won't let yourself and I won't let you."

And the last part she perked up a bit. If she didn't trust herself she could trust me.

"You're not going to let me hurt anyone?"

I shook my head.

"I'll be there the whole time. Protecting you, even from yourself, like I have always done."