DARKNESS WITHIN

Part Thirty-Eight

The dinner table was lively tonight with talk of the Danger Room session and discussions about how it could have been better, or what had made it so difficult. Rogue, for the most part, merely listened, for she disagreed with all that had been said about how challenging and exciting it had been, how it had been one of the best sessions in a long time.

That session nearly killed Remy, she thought unhappily.

She'd gone up to check on Kitty, who was awake, and in bed reading. She was apparently still feeling ill, but not quite as bad as she had at the start of her detox. The pains weren't quite as intense she had confessed, and she was much more awake than she had been. Rogue had taken her dinner up to her, but was still concerned about her up there alone. Things could change suddenly with withdrawals and for all Rogue knew, there was something hidden up there, regardless of her claiming that there was nothing, regardless of Remy's sweeping the room looking for any hidden stash.

Ah can't run up to check on her durin' dinner or everyone will know somethin' is up. People don't constantly run up and downstairs checkin' on a person who's only meant to have a flu, she thought worriedly.

Rogue glanced at the empty seat the other side of the left of the table. Remy had not shown up at dinner as had planned. It was almost twenty-minutes in now, and his seat remained empty and no one had been informed whether he had changed his mind or not.

How long does it take a guy to shower? Maybe he's too hurt to get out, maybe he fell and hurt himself. What if he can barely make it to the door?

"Maybe Ah should check on Remy," she announced to Hank as she went to stand up. Yes...perfect excuse...then Ah can check on Kitty, too, she realised.

"Sit," Logan warned from the other side of the table, "He's a grown man, he doesn't need to be checked on."

"He's in pain, though..." Rogue tried.

"He's a big boy, he can take a little bruise or two."

"He could barely walk to the bathroom..." Rogue said under her breath, trying to avoid the younger students overhearing.

"He'll manage. Everyone else does. Just sit and eat."

Rogue sighed and put a new potato into her mouth and chewed thoughtfully, there was an after-taste on the potatoes, she couldn't place it. Sage? Chives? Something vaguely oniony. She decided not to ask and just eat as it was pleasant enough for once.

It was almost five minutes later when Remy walked in slowly, slightly hunched over, his hair soaking wet and still dripping. He was wearing only the bathrobe, a towel around his neck, his chest was slightly exposed and she could see it was bright red from the heat of the shower.

"Hope you'll forgive my dress..." Remy said feebly as he moved slowly to his seat, "still a bit too sore from the session to manage to pull on pants. I promise, I do got underwear on...I just couldn't manage the rest..."

"I heard you got creamed," Bobby spoke up immediately.

Jean smacked Bobby's arm gently and threw him a warning look, Bobby quietened down.

"Way I see it," Remy stated calmly, ignoring the dig as he inched his way carefully into his chair, "if you don't get creamed the first time, they're makin' it way too easy on you...if it ain't bein' made to challenge you, then they don't think you can take the challenge..."

Bobby's face turned pink; Rogue seemed to remember Bobby's first danger room session being rather fast and painless, as it usually was for the younger students the first few times. She supposed that comment would make Bobby feel a little inadequate which probably wasn't ideal for a teenage boy, but considering how smug he had seemed regarding Remy's inadequacy, it was probably warranted just a tad.

"I think I should give you an examination before you go to bed to make sure you are truly all right," Hank said quietly to Remy, leaning sideways to speak to him over Ororo, "you seem to be in quite a bit of pain."

"I'm fine, it's just a few pulled muscles, I'll probably be fine by mornin', just need a little rest."

"How did you find your first session?" Ororo asked, as she had not been there to witness for herself.

Remy shrugged, he seemed to instantly regret doing so as he winced in pain, "it was fine, harder than I thought it would be but...it was challengin'," he admitted.

Ororo gave a nod, listening interestedly as she sipped from her glass of water.

"To be honest, it was much faster than I thought it would be," Remy continued.

"That's what she said!" Bobby blurted. There were a few immature laughs at the table from the younger students. Remy thought he might have laughed too if he hadn't been plagued with that small issue of sexual dysfunction.

"Drake!" snarled Logan, "shut up and eat."

"You were saying?" Ororo asked, choosing to ignore Bobby's childish banter.

"It was over much more quickly than I thought it would be, but then I guess time flies when you don't got time to pay attention to it," Remy continued. "Worked out a lot of muscles I ain't used properly in a while, so...it hurt a little. But I'm sure with a little time and effort I can get back to where I was."

"That's what I like to hear," said Logan approvingly, Rogue saw him throw Bobby (who was giggling still) a very irritated glare which caused Bobby to look suddenly alarmed and lower his head to his plate and pretend to be interested in his corncob.

Rogue shared a glance with Remy over the table, he had noted the last empty chair that Kitty would have been in. He seemed to be asking with his eyes how she was, Rogue just offered the faintest of nods to indicate that all was well. It was all the conversation they could have with each other, both looking at each other knowing how hard it was dealing with this, how hard it still might be.

Dessert tonight was simply fruit and cream. Rogue wasn't a fan of plain fruit and so she decided to save room for the two pieces of chocolate fudge cake she had in her room. Her mouth was watering just thinking of the sweet fudge icing and the moist cake beneath with it's praline filling.

As Hank was helping clear the plates, his eyes fell upon what Rogue had cleared from her meal. He gave a slight whistle.

"What?" she asked, looking at him confusedly.

"You've done well tonight...most of the meat and half of the vegetables..." Hank noted.

Rogue felt Remy's eyes studying her as Hank took her plate away and a moment later replaced it with the unappetising fruit salad.

Remy had barely touched his meal at all; he didn't seem hungry tonight, although she couldn't blame him, as it seemed to hurt his shoulder every time he raised the fork to his mouth. He was tired, she saw how his face seemed to sag and how dark he was under the eyes. He didn't want to be sitting here eating, he just wanted to be in bed.

"You look exhausted, Remy," Rogue admitted, "you should have just had dinner in bed."

"But then I wouldn't have the pleasure of y'alls company," he forced a smirk, but even the effort of that seemed to take far more energy than he had to spare. "But I think you're right...I'm drained. Think I need to call it a night..."

"You've hardly touched your food," Ororo said, unhappy with the practically full plate of food that she had cooked tonight.

"Put it in a box and stick it in the fridge, I'll eat it for breakfast before I leave for work," he put his knife and fork down.

"I do hope you've been eating something appropriate for breakfast before you leave," Hank said suspiciously, "I never do find any used bowls or evidence of it in the morning. Not even so much as an empty pop tart wrapper to suggest you've had anything."

"I've been catchin' a Pecan Maple danish and a Mocha at the Bayville Bean Box before I start work," Remy explained.

"You still drink that girly crap?" Logan muttered with a snort that resembled something of a laugh.

"Hmm?" Remy asked, confused. Rogue realised it was the 'still' in that sentence which seemed to have thrown Remy off somewhat. She could only remember having a memory of Remy and Logan at a table in the Bayville Bean Box and ordering a mocha. She was aware it had occurred, but no longer had the memory of it. In fact, so very few of his memories were remaining as time was lingering on. She was only aware of them having been there, of them happening, but not of how they had happened, or what it had looked like or felt like to him.

They're finally fading, she thought thankfully.

"Nothing," Logan shook his head in response to Remy's query, and stood up from the table, he hadn't been served dessert as he never ate it when offered. "You get a free pass comin' to dinner in a bathrobe since I know you got beat up in the Danger Room, but next time you better be fully dressed. We're lax about dress codes in this place, LeBeau, but not that lax."

Rogue pushed around her fruit in the bowl idly, she wanted to excuse herself from the table but was waiting for a moment that wouldn't make it seem so urgent. She still had to check on Kitty.

Almost as if Scott had read her mind, he spoke up, "How's Kitty, anyway? Still wrecked with the cold?"

"Yeah, it's a pretty bad one," Rogue spoke up quickly, not missing a beat. She supposed if she'd learned anything from taking Remy's memories, it was how to lie quickly and efficiently.

"No one else has caught it yet, which is surprising," Jean said, "Normally colds spread around this place like wildfire, but you haven't even caught it yet, Rogue..."

Rogue wondered if Jean was trying to catch her out. She couldn't find an excuse to this; it was true. Normally if someone caught a cold, everyone got it, and being in the same room with Kitty, using the same door handles, the same furniture, normally she too would have also eventually caught it.

"Maybe you're like Logan," Remy spoke up from across the table.

"Huh?" Rogue asked, slightly concerned.

"I mean...maybe with your new powers, you're more immune to bugs and colds."

She felt so grateful that he'd come up with a 'solution' that dilemma. An excuse. She inwardly sighed in relief.

"I mean...you can't be hurt physically, maybe even germs are no match for you?" Remy smirked a little.

"That's an interesting theory," Hank admitted, "it's certainly possible. In nearly five months you've never caught a cold or had a cold sore or a rash...nothing. You could be immune..."

Rogue shrugged, "maybe," she agreed. She hadn't considered it, but now that the subject had been broached, she had noticed she hadn't suffered a cold in many months. She couldn't remember the last time she had. Sickness immunity could be a boon...unless of course you were already desperate for any way to off yourself, even if it was a slow painful death by pneumonia.

Remy yawned, "is it okay if I be excused? I'm exhausted and gotta be up really early..."

"Of course. If you like you can take your dessert to the room with you," Ororo offered.

"That's okay," Remy eyed Rogue's dessert and seemed to disapprove of what it was. "I got some chips and dips in my room, I can eat those if I get hungry. I just wanna watch some TV and pass out."

"Do you need help?" Rogue asked, watching as he tried to stand up, his back seemed to be hurting him a little more now.

He seemed conflicted about whether he did or not. He tried to push himself up, struggled, and then gave in. Finally, he nodded, "yeah, think so."

Rogue stood up, pushed her chair in and moved around to Remy's side, "if it's okay, Ah'm gonna go to my room after helpin' Remy to his," she looked towards Logan who these days seemed to have more authority on what was allowed than any of the others, "Ah'd like to read."

"Oh?" asked Logan, "what are you readin'?" he asked.

Rogue was sure he was trying to catch her out, as if he thought that she may intend on going to her room to harm herself. What could she possibly do in there with Kitty in the room anyway?

She supposed things had seemed too stable over the past few days for him to believe that for the moment things were fine. All the same, she ignored the feeling that he was suspicious, and she answered with the title of the book she had, in truth, been reading. "Memoirs of a Geisha."

"I love that book," sighed Jean before she put a strawberry into her mouth.

"Yeah, go to your room, that's fine, but I'll be makin' checks later anyway," Logan noted, heading for the door that led to the garage, clearly intent on going for his after dinner cigar.

Rogue helped Remy up from his seat and she helped him to the hall. They walked slowly, carefully.

"Remy, Ah don't know how you're gonna make it to work when you're racked in this much pain..." Rogue confessed, she tried to ignore the anxiety building up again, guilt was trying to swallow her, her powers had left him in this condition, so weak that he hadn't been able to handle that session, that was why he was in so much pain now. It was directly her fault.

"I'll be fine in the mornin'," he assured, gripping onto her sweatshirt as she led the way down the second hall and around a corner to where his room was. The door was already open and she helped him in and sat him on the bed.

Her eyes fell to the floor, his uniform lay there, his boots, the clothes from earlier in the day. With a sigh, she bent down to pick these items up, the dirty clothes she put in the hamper next to his dresser. His uniform she held onto, knowing it would need to be cleaned in the specialised machine down in the sub basement.

"You don't need to clean up," he sighed, watching her with a frown.

"Yeah Ah do, you're not capable and it's a mess in here..."

"I'm fine with mess," he retorted.

"Ah know you are," Rogue responded, "but there's a rule about mess here...you know that. Your room is tiny, you really wanna trip over shit?"

"I'll do it. I just ain't had time," he explained.

"You don't have time," she reminded, "And Ah do. Besides...it's part of my punishment to pick up the slack if you're not capable."

"I am capable you know," he pouted, "I'm just not capable at this moment in time," he painfully peeled off his bathrobe, sitting there in his plaid boxer shorts. He didn't seem to care about her seeing him in his underwear. Besides, she'd seen him in underwear before at the motel. Nothing he had could really shock her any more, she'd seen pretty much all there was to see, albeit in very different circumstances. She supposed he sensed although the exposure of his skin left her uncomfortable, the view of it wasn't as displeasing as it normally might have been.

He shifted his covers awkwardly and slipped beneath them sighing and reaching for the remote control, "gonna be a rough day tomorrow..."

"Ah don't think you should be workin' that place, Remy..."

"I gotta do somethin' chere. Can't just sit vegetatin' for the rest of my life. If anythin' all the hard work there will help me build my stamina up. I don't expect to work there forever...just until I either get sick of it are get fired. Whatever comes first."

"You'll probably get sick of it long before you ever get fired," she admitted. "You need anythin' before I go?"

"Nothin' can think of, not unless you wanna give my back a massage," he slouched down into the pillows.

"That...that would be a pretty bad idea, Remy..." she admitted worriedly, "Ah'm capable of rippin' the head off robots without breakin' a sweat...so Ah'd probably be very capable of snappin' your backbone."

"You can be gentle, chere. You held me up all that time and it didn't hurt one bit," he pointed out with a grunt as he tried to make himself somewhat comfortable.

"Not that you could tell, not with all the pain you're in right now," she pointed out, "but tomorrow you'll probably find bruises shaped like my fingers all over your arms..."

"You worry too much, you know."

She stared down at the floor uneasily, "If you say so."

"I guess you better go check on Kitty."

Back to Kitty, always at the front of your mind lately, isn't she? Rogue wished she had the bravery to accuse.

"Yeah..." she sighed unhappily.

Remy looked up at her, his eyes softened, "You're...doin' a great job, you know...really holdin' it together considerin'..." he explained. "I had expected you to freak out by now but...you're really surprisin' me. Would it sound patronisin' if I said I'm really proud of you?"

Her eyes teared up a little, "I gotta go...Kitty shouldn't be left alone too long."

He switched the channel, but didn't seem interested on what it was, he lay on his side, wincing at the discomfort of the movement and sighed, "night chere."

"Night, Remy..."

Remy felt as if he'd barely just closed his eyes after Rogue had left his bedroom and it was time to get up. The harsh siren of his iPhone's alarm startled him awake and he reached over to disable it, muscles screaming in protest. He had to switch the television off, he'd fallen asleep with it on.

Jesus christ, he thought in agony. He was glad he'd set the alarm twenty minutes earlier than it had been set for the past few days, that twenty minutes was wasted just dragging himself up out of bed and dressing slowly and carefully. He noted as he stared at his nude torso in the mirror that his back was bruised quite badly. He hoped Rogue wouldn't find out about that, she seemed to be worried enough about his condition as it was.

She feels guilty, she's aware she has a hand in it somewhere, he supposed as he finished dressing. Grimacing through the pain, he went downstairs to the kitchen to put a coffee pot on. It surprised him that the dim undercabinet lighting was on in the kitchen. He let his eyes fall to the table to see Kitty Pryde sitting there looking half awake, her hands hugging a mug, the string of a tea bag dangling out.

"You're up," he said, limping towards the coffee maker to fill it. Guess that means Rogue's asleep...she'd have never let her leave the room alone. Hope Rogue be okay on her own up there, he worried.

"Couldn't stay in bed forever," she explained.

"How you feelin'?" he asked quietly as he spooned grounds in to the filter, opting to not use beans at this time of the morning as the machine made far too much noise when grounding them. The last thing he needed was to wake the entire mansion up.

"Lousy," she sighed, she stared down into her cup, "stupid. Idiotic..."

He gave her a sympathetic half smile over his shoulder as he filled the reservoir of the machine and placed the pot into it's spot. He moved over slowly and carefully to sit down, wincing in pain as his back touched the back of his chair.

"What's wrong with you?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Danger Room session yesterday. First one. It was...intense."

"Got hurt, did you?" Kitty asked, she took a sip from her tea, she was still trembling ever so slightly and Remy felt perhaps had he not been studying her so closely he might have missed it entirely..

"Yeah."

"Everyone gets hurt the first time. My first session, I pulled a muscle in my leg...was too proud to admit it so went through the entire day pretending like I was fine, made it worse...for a week it hurt like crazy and I went through every danger room session anyway..." she admitted. She lowered her eyes, "I've...never told anyone that before. I let them just think I was fine..."

That's the problem right there, he thought. That's why this started, because she never told anyone she wasn't fine. She let things pile and didn't say things, continued hurting, and struggling and never uttered a single word. Maybe if she had admitted it, this wouldn't have happened. Should I tell her that though?

No. Being direct and telling her this was going to be too hard for the girl to take right now. He had to be delicate about this.

"I fell on my back...slammed my ankle against the floor...banged up my elbow...I think I pulled nearly every muscle I got in my body..." he confessed. "Had to get Rogue to take me to my room, could barely walk by the end of it. Just reminded me of bein' just out of that coma...so weak and unable to do anythin'..."

Kitty smirked dully, string down into her cup, she swirled the liquid around, body still trembling slightly.

"It's...hard, admittin' needin' help sometimes, gives you that feeing of..." he feigned looking lost for words.

"Helplessness," she answered for him quietly. "Hopelessness...uselessness..."

"Well...yeah," he sighed so deeply that he felt his chest ache with it. Like it or not, he did feel that way. This wasn't trying to relate, this was how he felt right now.

Admit it to her, make her feel better that she's not the only one findin' life hard sometimes, he suggested to himself.

"I..." he began, he took a breath and continued, "Had a lot of that lately, you know...feelin' helpless...hopeless...useless. I guess the key word here is 'less', you know?"

Her eyes raised to his, she was searching his eyes, trying to find if there was any truth in his words. He wondered if she could see it really was there or if his eyes were too dark to show it.

"I suppose...I just gotta grin...bear it. It'll get better eventually, I suppose. But if it doesn't...I always know where I can turn..."

For some reason, although he meant the others, the X-Men, the Professor, Hank and perhaps even Logan, his mind drifted immediately to Rogue. Yes, if he needed somewhere to turn it would be Rogue.

When it came to wanting someone's arms to catch him when he fell, there was no other arms he could think of that would suffice than hers, no arms would be stronger, and no one would probably understand more. An odd shiver travelled down his spine to think of it.

Kitty's eyes fell to the table, she let out a deep sigh, she seemed to understand what he was subtly suggesting so very delicately to her. "It was Lance," she said quietly, catching him by surprise. He wasn't sure what she was answering to. He stared across the table for a moment, unsure what exactly it was she was trying to say.

"It was Lance?" he asked.

She gave a slow and careful nod, "it was Lance."

"Who..."

"Who gave me the first pack...of pills."

Remy leaned forward. "What?" he asked in disbelief.

"It was before this...before everything went nuts..." she shook her head. "I had a test...I was overworked, I was struggling...he knew I wouldn't slow down so...he said take them, I told him I'd never use them."

Remy frowned, thinking he'd let Lance off far too lightly now.

"He put them in my bag...Adderall...said take them, that it'd help with the studying. I don't know where he got them but he said they helped, he was trying to get his GED, said that it was helping him...said that I'd be stupid not to take them..."

"And that's when you started?" Remy asked.

"It was just those. I was doing stuff for extra credit, I had all these emergencies with the X-Men and I was trying to have a personal life...it was too much, I was having a hard time focusing, keeping up with everything, getting things wrong in class, making mistakes out in the field...so...I took them. It wasn't meant to be a long term thing..."

Remy listened, trying to ignore the anger rising in his stomach. He'd thought all this time that Rogue had been the catalyst.

"Then I ran out...Lance gave me some of what he had and I ran that through in weeks – then we broke up. I had to get more...guys at school sell it...guy who's mom is a doctor, he steals her prescription pad, gets his big cousin to take it out for him, sells it on..." she explained.

He gazed at her, feeling so incredibly furious that he wasn't sure where to put the anger, he clenched his fist and tried to remain calm. He watched her trembling hands, her glassy blue eyes, the quivering of her pink lips. She was on the verge of tears but he was helpless to stop that. He was helpless to do anything but listen and try to absorb this all, try to understand it.

"Then I couldn't sleep. Rogue came home...then the anxiety attacks started, the screaming...the frustration, I just couldn't sleep with her like that. I was so...wound up, having to take care of her after school, before school, in the middle of the goddamn night..." she explained. "Waking up at two in the mornin' to crying knowin' I'd never get back to sleep again...it got too much."

"Didn't the X-Men notice?" Remy asked in disbelief.

"With Rogue around?" Kitty gave a vague laugh, "they saw I was tired, Professor suggested I drop the extra credit stuff I was doing, try to just focus on what was important and give myself some time. I lied, said I was fine, and...I never lie...so he never thought to question it..."

"What then?" he urged.

"So...when I showed up at school lookin' like a wreck this one particular morning just before Christmas. The guy-"

"The dealer?" Remy asked disdainfully under his breath.

"He saw me falling asleep in class, asked if I wasn't sleeping at home...when I said I wasn't, he saw opportunity I guess...said that the Oxy helps...and...it did...at first...but the longer it went on..." she winced, "the less it seemed to work and the more it took...by then...how...how was I supposed to go to someone...how was I supposed to admit it? It was just supposed to be until I pulled myself together..."

"Oh, petit," Remy sighed, he wasn't sure how else to respond. This was just terribly sad; he'd heard this story many times before, through acquaintances, people he'd met on the street, drug addicts on TV and radio. The story was always the same. It was always supposed to be a temporary solution.

Then it became the problem.

Kitty began sobbing over her tea, "It wasn't meant to get this bad..."

"You'll get over this. You are getting over this," he put his hand on her thin arm and squeezed, "you're brave and strong, and you're a fighter and you'll kick this habit, and me and Rogue...we'll be there every step of the way. But you gotta tell us...when you feel like givin' up, you gotta tell us, you gotta tell us if you think you're gonna fall and we'll catch you...you know?"

Weakly wiping her tears, she sighed, "coffee is ready," she stood up slowly. "I...better go back upstairs...Rogue is on her own...if she wakes up and freaks out..."

Remy watched her leave and tried to push aside the worry for her and for Rogue for the moment. He had work to deal with, pain to deal with, and he was going to have to endure it the old fashioned way just as the ancestors he'd never known probably had. He'd have to struggle through the day like this, wincing in agony, dragging himself up the stairs as if half his body didn't work.

Wouldn't hurt to buy some Ibuprofin and stash it at work, he thought dully as he sipped his coffee. Or I could buy a tube of Deep Heat and slather myself from head to foot and choke any unsuspectin' person within a mile radius with the smell, he mused. There's always Kitty's Oxy if push comes to shove. I still got it hidden, if I baby dosed maybe it'd help the pain without becomin' addictive? Would that be stupid? He wondered.

No, he decided against that. He wasn't going to go and do something stupid like that, things were getting bearable around here, he was joining the team, joining the training. He would have his own proper bedroom with a window soon, and he was making friends for real now it seemed.

Besides...the more he thought about it the more he realised he truly liked it here.

I'm not about to fuck this up, he decided. I might actually make somethin' of myself if I stick with this. Maybe I can turn my life around just like I said Rogue can turn hers? Just gonna take work. Takin' an Oxy because I got a few aches and pains would be a stupid move after what I've seen here past few days, he warned himself. He downed the last of his coffee, poured another cup and drank it as quickly as the heat would allow and with that, pushed himself off for work, bracing himself for a rough day.

End of Part Thirty-Eight

Wee! I'm getting there, more to come soon :)