AN: Merry Christmas from the cast and crew of Living LikeA Disaster. It's around this time of year that we are reminded what the true Spirit of Christmas really is, that Santa Claws with his millions of presents just doesn't give as much back to the world as we here at team LLAD do. I mean seriously no PSP could provide the hours of merriment and mirth that we do with every single chapter. This is your real Christmas gift, the others were just taking the piss.
Shak, Claudia, Wesker, Jackand Jonathon.
When it was noticeable to the other members of the base that he was growing restless, it was a situation which necessitated action. It was time to pay his redhead a visit. She had been left to her own devices for far too long, and as a gentleman he could not abide such discourteous treatment of the only human being he did not wish in the ground.
He wanted to indulge some of those slightly less orthodox traits that deep down they both shared. Perhaps it would be a bloodbath… One could always hope. He had a certain fondness for events of that nature, and although he possessed the necessary abilities to locate her within a couple of moments on foot, with Shakahnna it was always better to conserve one's energy. As such, he had a vehicle on hand.
Rising, he made his way outside towards his mode of transport - a powerful quad bike.
As he mounted the four wheeled vehicle, the first thing he noticed were that the keys were not in the ignition where he had left them. Before he had time to think that none of his staff would have had the gaul to commit such an act, he felt himself sinking closer to the ground, accompanied by a loud hissing noise.
Someone had slashed his tyres. This was certainly unexpected.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" A loud booming voice came from a ledge one floor up, as his keys, attached to a mysterious large paper Mache ball, landed in his lap. A split second later, still accompanied by ceaseless manic laughter, the object exploded in a cloud of thick smoke. The air cleared and cross-shaped confetti rained down on his flaxen head, he observed that someone had left him a rather unorthodox parking ticket, emblazoned with the word "HEATHEN".
"COMMUNION GIRL MAY FORGIVE THEE, BUT THE RIGHTEOUS SWORD GRANTS THOU NO SUCH AMNESTY!" Jack Tabernacle trilled, leaping from his hiding spot on the first floor ledge and springing down, clad in a purple cape, which billowed behind him in the wind. He imagined that he must have cut quite the dashing figure in his ecclesiastical super-hero attire, but Wesker was less than impressed. It was ironic that the trait which currently was not met in good humour was one of the reasons Jack was still alive to perform such acts of mania.
He landed before the quad with a thunderous crash and continued to chuckle. "HOW DO YOU LIKE DIVINE JUSTICE, VILE HEATHEN? MAY I BE SO CHEEKY AS TO SUPPOSE THOU HAST SEEN THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS?"
"Tabernacle," Wesker replied calmly. "How can I assist you?"
"YOU CAN BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY AS GOD WISHES!" Jack roared cordially.
"That aside, what other matters bring you here?"
"MATTERS? WHAT SORCERY HAST THOU SO CALM WHEN THY VERY SOUL IS AT STAKE, TO BE TORMENTED AT THE MERCY OF THE BURNING LAKES OF SULPHUR IN SATAN'S ETERNAL KINGDOM OF WRONGNESS! WHEN THOU VERY CORPOREAL FORM SHALT BE THRUST INTO EVERLASTING SUFFERING BY HOT POKERS WEILDED BY THE MINIONS OF LUCIFER HIMSELF!" Jack postulated casually in his continuous stream of deranged verbal feces.
Wesker had fond memories of pokers. It was a source of mild regret to him that the regenerative abilities of his body had not enabled him to preserve those scars.
"FOR IT IS AS CHAPTER 47 VERSE 20 OF THE BOOK OF ISIAH TELLS YOU..." Jack took a deep breath, " "The LORD will send upon you curses, confusion, and frustration, in all that you undertake to do, until you are destroyed and perish quickly, on account of the evil of your doings, because you have forsaken me. The LORD will make the pestilence cleave to you until he has consumed you off the land which you are entering to take possession of it. The LORD will smite you with consumption, and with fever, inflammation, and fiery heat, and with drought, and with blasting, and with mildew; they shall pursue you until you perish. The LORD will cause you to be defeated before your enemies; you shall go out one way against them, and flee seven ways before them; and you shall be a horror to all the kingdoms of the earth. The LORD will smite you with the boils of Egypt, and with the ulcers and the scurvy and the itch, of which you cannot be healed. The LORD will smite you with madness and blindness and confusion of mind!" AND SO IT IS WRITTEN SO SHALL IT BE IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER AND OF THE SON AND OF THE HOLY GHOST AMEN FOR HIS IS THE KINGDOM, THE POWER AND THE GLORY FOREVER AND EVER...!"
"I am not sure if the point that you are making is apparent here, Jack," came the impassive reply.
"DOTH! CONVEY TO ME THE LOCATION OF THOU LATRINES!"
"Second floor. Third door on the right. I believe they are well sign posted."
"GRATITUDE UPON THINE VILLAINOUS YET NEVERTHELESS MILDLY HELPFUL HEAD, HELLSPAWN SCUM!"
And with a melodic chant of "AHAHAAAA!", Jack trotted rather quickly through the front doors of the facility.
-
"Hey Hunk! Catch!"
Hunk spun around just as a stream of viscera came flying through the air and hit him square on the face. As there was a sickening splat, Hunk brushed the gory intestines away angrily and rounded on the STARS captain. "That's the sixth time you've done that today!" he yelled. "It wasn't even funny the first time!"
Shak, who was in the process of pissing herself laughing, disagreed. Hunk shrugged it off, in reasonably high spirits. The pair were nearing one of the control centres, which meant the base could not be too far. Perhaps another couple of days on foot, but at least travelling with Shak meant good progress. As upset as he was at Angela's death, the blonde cop would have slowed them down. And they were on a mission.
Shak wasn't so bad company, he reflected. At least she distracted him from thinking about what was going to happen when they arrived at Achma. Wesker was not going to be pleased that they were showing up. He was taking a STARS captain, a destructive, kamikaze STARS captain, to one of the last remaining bases in this part of the country. Jack would probably try to baptise him, Heinz would probably try to bum him, and Jonathon was probably fucking his girl by now. This was certainly one to write home to Mum about. He wondered what his Mum would think of Claudia when he introduced them, then shook the thought out of his head with a little twitch.
"Isn't it great that we've been left alone?" Shak beamed, bounding about with seemingly endless energy.
A brief flicker of worry crossed Hunk's face. If she started trying to tongue him he was going to top himself.
"Look!" she bounced over and began to lift up her shirt. "I'm all healed and everything!"
"Woah!" he took a step back, thankful that she was only showing midriff. "I've not come to fix your fridge, you know."
"I don't have a fridge…" she said in a bewildered tone, "I don't have a fridge. I'm hungry, I could use a fridge. Where's the fridge?" She looked about and stopped. "Oh…you meant porno. Why don't you just have a wank or something? It's not like I'd watch. Although I remember this one time…"
"Stop talking."
"Hey, Herrison, would you consider wearing pigtails?"
"Why? Would that turn you on?"
"It's nothing personal, Herrison, but I don't date pussies. Just be's because you sound like Claudia. And I miss having her about."
"I hope she's ok. She's got the formula for the virus, so that should keep her alive, if she's had the sense to keep it to herself…"
"BORING!" Shak was not up for the hundredth discussion about Claudia's wellbeing. "She wouldn't fraternise with the enemy. I had no trouble keeping stuff from Wesker, I'm sure she'll be fine. Shut up. If they'd wanted to kill her, they'd have just done it there and then. Unless that turtle fucker really wants to get down your pants, you've got nothing to worry about. It's not like anybody has anything against us."
"I'm pretty sure Jonathon's not gay." Hunk had heard stories about Lancaster's womanising. If he was a bufty, then he was doing a pretty good job of repressing it.
"Nonsense. Since when did straight people start working for Umbrella."
"So Wesker's gay?"
"According to Scarlet Fever he is."
"And your ex?" Hunk pointed out the flaws in her rationale.
"I'm more of a man than you'll ever be!"
Hunk suspected for the hundredth time that day that he may not be getting anywhere.
There was a distant rumble and the duo turned to each other and said simultaneously, "Do you hear something?"
"More carriers," Hunk said gravely.
"BORING!" the redhead squealed, "Where's all the good stuff?"
"Just shut up and fight."
Albert Wesker disembarked from his quad with a sardonic smirk playing about his features. His heightened optic senses had already alighted upon his quarry, and one heavily shod foot fell upon the gritty terrain with an ominous thud which he seriously doubted had been heard by the pitiful band of survivors.
His amused little smirk widened a little as his gaze travelled to the redhead, and he slipped his sunglasses out of his breast pocket, settled them onto his Roman nose with a fluid gesture, and ran a hand through his flaxen hair, his colourless lips curved upwards in a repressed display of sadistic delight.
Team effort may yield more fruitful results. There is no harm in letting Lancaster keep his new toy for now. There is no reason enjoyment cannot be had for all in this situation.
For today, Albert Wesker was going to have fun.