Prelude

Chapter 38

Fate handed Spencer Reid yet another disappointment when the team was called out on a case Friday morning. He'd felt like he was barely holding on, only the promise of letting down with JJ getting him through the long nights and fruitless days. But now, they were called away to assist in investigating a series of murders of seemingly unrelated victims, by an unsub who appeared to be escalating by the moment.

On top of it all, the headaches had returned. They'd been gradually getting better, until the time Emily disappeared. And now,ever since she'd been lost, the headaches had brought a throbbing, unrelenting pain, and a visceral fear of what they might actually signify. Reid kept it to himself, not wanting to add to the burdens of the others. Instead, he maxed out on ibuprofen, resulting in a loss of appetite and a nagging abdominal pain to complement the one in his head. He should have been too miserable to work, both his physical condition and his grief disabling him. Yet, there he was, on a case.

How can I even think about this? How can I be analyzing facts, and making propositions about what's happening? Why am I able to focus, even for a minute at a time?

"Because you know how important it is. Because you know it matters. Because you care. Because it's the right thing to do."

It was as though he'd heard her say it herself. Like she was inside his head. He'd heard the words in Emily's voice.

But you're so much better at this than I am. You were always able to compartmentalize, and get the job done, no matter what. That's not me. I can't do it. I know they all think I don't feel things, but I do!

"Of course you do, Handsome. That's why you do the job. It's why you're so good at it. But don't waste those feelings on me. Take care of the ones who are still in the world. Make your life count. Make mine count."

The left brain of Spencer Reid knew he was just building this internal conversation on ones he'd had with her before. But his right brain was in full relationship with Emily Prentiss, and told him that she was somehow real, and present, and watching over him. He began to play a game of 'what would Emily do'. And it worked. He was able to get back to work.

"I think it's one unsub, not a gang as we'd thought. I think he's delusional. It would account for the murders seeming so random, yet so violent. He's being influenced by the crowd of voices in his head."

Reid's conclusion resonated with the others, and became a part of the profile. But, as he heard the others deliver that profile, he began to withdraw, to curl in upon himself. Their unsub was probably schizophrenic. As was Diana. As, worried Reid, was he.

It was something he'd never voiced aloud, even to himself. Certainly not to Emily, nor even to JJ. All of the team were aware of his risk, but not of his fear. He'd been willing to share the one, but not the other. It wasn't something they discussed. At least, not with Reid.

He had no way of knowing that Gideon had brought the dilemma to Hotch, and, later, Hotch to Rossi.

"It's definitely got a genetic component. But it can be variably expressed. Just because his mother needed institutionalization doesn't mean he will, even if he develops it. He's so young, it might not have shown itself yet. Watch him. Look for the subtle signs."

Reid hadn't needed to hear that conversation to launch his own search for the subtle signs. Like headaches. And emotional instability.

After the delivery of the profile, Morgan found him in the washroom, throwing water at his face. He'd noticed Reid's body language, and correctly guessed the cause of it. He could tell it was time to be direct with his young colleague, and he was. His intuition was confirmed when Reid responded.

"My mother is schizophrenic. There are many types of schizophrenia….paranoid, catatonic…."

"I know, Kid. And I know this is a scary time for you. You're at the age when it often presents." Even if you're not scared, I'm scared for you.

Reid fell back against the sink, the exhaustion present in every feature of his face.

"Talk to me, Kid."

They'd been colleagues for six years, friends for a good part of that time. And still, Derek Morgan couldn't have said why he cared so much about Reid. Two more different personalities had never been created.

As he thought about whether he should say anything to Morgan, Reid realized what had happened to the two people he'd shared it with already. He'd told JJ about the headaches..….and she'd been sent away. Then he'd told Emily...and she'd been taken away. Do I dare?

But the look on Morgan's face made it clear that he wasn't about to leave his young colleague alone. So Reid had no choice.

"I've been having these headaches. They're pretty bad…."

Headaches. Morgan would never tell Reid this, but he'd read up on schizophrenia, and how it presented. Headaches were on the list, but way down at the bottom.

"Have you told this to anyone else?"

Reid kept his eyes glued to the floor. "Emily."

Emily. And now she's gone. God. Is there no end to the pain of this? Morgan's own grief over Emily was deep, cutting...but channeled into a determination to find Doyle and exact vengeance. When he'd had his session with Hotch, that thought came out, and Hotch made him feel like there was something unhealthy about it. But at least I'm not falling apart like my Pretty Boy is.

He recognized what his young colleague feared but Morgan thought there might be a less frightening cause of Reid's headaches.

"You miss her, Kid. We all do. But the best way to deal with it is to do what you know she would have done. Like now. What do you think she would have done here?"

Reid shrugged. "Gone with the profile. Looked for the single unsub."

"Exactly. Listen, Kid, I know you're scared. I would be too. But I promise you, if I ever think you're not making sense….well, not making 'Spencer Reid' sense….I'll take care of it."

That was met with a small, wry smile. As frightened as Reid had always been for himself, he'd been equally as frightened for what might happen to others because of him. Without realizing it, Morgan had just given him the assurance he'd so badly needed.

"Thanks."

It isn't always satisfying to be right, observed Reid.

They'd caught their schizophrenic unsub. Or, more precisely, they'd killed him. But not until after he'd tried to kill Reid, rushing at the young profiler with a knife in hand. Despite the unexpected attack, Reid's lightning-quick mind had managed to take the time to think about whether he'd want the unsub to succeed.

Death is inevitable anyway, isn't it? Why not now? And, if there's anything to the idea of the afterlife, maybe I'd get to be with Emily. Would that be so bad?

But then he'd have to leave JJ, and Henry, and the remaining members of the team. Of all of them, Reid found himself most influenced by the possibility of leaving Henry.

He's so young. And he needs me, I think. I know he has a father, but I can't help but think that he needs me. And…..I think...he loves me. I know I love him. I can't take the chance that it would hurt him.

Reid had time to think all of this in the split-second that transpired between when the unsub tried to come after him with the knife, and the moment Morgan's bullet brought him down. It all became moot, just that quickly.

But not so, in Reid's mind. Once the process of evaluating his life had begun, it intended to be seen through to the end.

What am I doing here? Am I really helping anyone? I didn't exactly help Emily, did I? If we can't use our skills to help each other, what's the point? Is there a point at all?

The following week, Hotch insisted upon performing individual grief assessments. He met with each remaining team member, in turn, to assess their status and offer whatever relief they might need. Both Rossi and Morgan challenged their unit chief on it. He was too close to the whole thing himself. Who was helping him with it?

But, perhaps as a measure of how shaken they were, Garcia and Reid simply accepted the process, and laid themselves bare. Reid voiced exactly what he'd said to himself during the prior case.

"It's like…if we can't take care of each other, what's the point?"

The second Friday brought another invitation from JJ.

"Will's still on evenings, so it'll just be us."

"Can I bring something?"

"Just yourself. And maybe a magic trick for Henry."

He smiled. "Done. I'll see you Friday."

This week's case had wrapped quickly, and they were back by midday on Friday.

LANDED. STILL ON?

STILL ON. 6.

He ran a little late. He'd stood in front of the bakery display, unable to make a decision, until the clerk asked him, "Who will be eating the dessert?"

He'd told her.

"The brownies then. You can pick up ice cream next door."

"Ice cream?"

"Ice cream. He's going on three, right? Trust me."

He did. And then he hurried on to visit the only two people in the world who had the power to make him want to stay in it.

"Uncle Spence!" Henry ran as fast as his short stride would carry him, and locked his arms around Reid's left leg.

"Hey, Little Man!" Reid placed his parcels on the ground, and picked Henry up for a proper hug. "I missed you!"

"Me too, Uncle Spence! And Mommy, too!"

Mommy came down the hall to assure herself that they didn't have an unwanted intruder.

"Spence, hi!"

"Hi." He picked up the dessert packages from the floor and handed them to her, still clutching Henry with his other arm. "The bakery clerk said this would be a good idea."

JJ peeked into the bags. "The bakery clerk is very wise."

He'd barely been able to eat all week. But, somehow, Henry's ramblings over dinner were sufficiently distracting that the doting godfather was able to down a full plate of macaroni and cheese. The brownie and ice cream that followed went down easily as well, as Henry provided a full running commentary on the culinary complementarity between the baked good and the frozen dairy product. Well, not really. What he actually said was, "This is great, Uncle Spence! Chocolate and chocolate! I love chocolate, Uncle Spence! Do you love chocolate?"

After dinner, Reid made a few quarters and building blocks appear from behind Henry's ears. When the enthused toddler began to yawn, however, Reid begged off the bedtime routine. That honor belonged to the absent Will, and Reid sensed it would be treacherous to tread on that ground. Instead, he confined himself to the living room, thumbing through a series of less than engaging television programs, as JJ put her son through his bedtime ritual.

When she emerged, Reid made room for her on the sofa.

"Feels a little like old times, doesn't it?" She observed.

"A little." Very little.

"He prays for you, you know."

It shouldn't have surprised him. He was the god-father, after all. But it did.

"He does?"

She nodded. "He prays for his Uncle Spence, and his Auntie Penelope..."

"And Emily? Does he pray for Emily?" Placing unreasonable importance on her answer.

"Well….yes. Sure. I guess. Not by name, but….you know. He's little, Spence. The only ones he prays for by name are his parents, his grandparents, and his godparents."

"Oh." Disappointment…..unreasonable disappointment…..making its way into his tone.

It was enough to point JJ in a direction. "Do you pray for Emily, Spence?"

She knew he'd not exactly been religious. At least, not before Henkel 'killed' him.

He was quiet for too long a moment, hesitating at his answer.

"I prayed for her before. You know, that we would find her…..in time…"

His voice fell off at the end. But he rallied enough to add, "But, after….I wouldn't know what to pray for."

JJ knew, exactly. Pray that we'll be able to bring her home soon. Pray that I'll be able to tell you. Pray that our friendship will be able to survive this.

She reached out and rubbed his shoulder. "How are you doing, Spence?"

He was such a different being these days, his emotions so close to the surface. He felt like he was constantly on the edge of control, all too often losing it. And feeling like he could lose himself at the same time.

"I'm… I'm doing my job. Somehow. I swear, JJ, I don't know how I'm doing it. But there I am, analyzing unsubs and giving profiles. Sometimes I wonder if I'm like some people say I am….unfeeling... robotic."

JJ's eyes widened. She'd heard those comments about him, and always resented them, even if she'd understood where they came from. But to learn that he was aware of them too...

"Spence…."

He spoke over her. "It's all right, JJ. It doesn't matter. Maybe they're right."

She felt like she needed to defend him to himself. "They're not right. You're one of the most caring people I know. That's what makes you able to go back to work, Spence. You care about the victims. You even care about the unsubs, even when most of us can't. Please don't think you're not touched by losing Emily, just because you can carry on."

A small, sad smile crossed his face. "That's what Emily said."

JJ tensed. 'Emily said'? Is he testing me? Does he know? She actually hoped he did, so they could end this, and try to put it behind them.

Her answer came when he continued. "I think we'd gotten to know each other so well that I could predict what she'd say, even before she said it. And I'm still doing it, only it's all in my head now. So it's like she's still giving me advice."

JJ let out a held breath, disappointed. It seemed the lie would have to continue.

"Are you sleeping?" She couldn't help but notice the deepening dark around his eyes.

He shrugged. "A couple of hours, I guess, when I get really exhausted. Whenever my mind isn't occupied with something else, it goes right back to Emily...and then I can't let it go enough to rest."

"What about your headaches, then?"

After his conversation with Reid during the case, Morgan had vented his concern for his younger colleague to Garcia who, of course, had immediately called JJ.

He sensed it, and gave her a sideways look. "You know, don't you?"

She explained the chain of information. "Don't be mad at him, Spence. He's just worried."

Reid shook his head, staring at the floor. "He has enough on his plate, he shouldn't be worried about me. He doesn't like anyone to see it, but he's shaken by this. He was with her at the end, the last moments she was conscious. But he didn't know it was the end. He didn't know he wouldn't ever speak with her again." He stared off a while longer, before adding, "If he had, he might have had a chance to say goodbye."

JJ shifted so that she was looking right at him. "It's important to you, isn't it? That you have some kind of closure when you lose someone."

He shrugged. "I've never had the chance to find out. I mean, maybe it's not that important. Not to most people. Logically, it seems like if someone is gone, whether or not you knew they were leaving...well, you'd still have the same experience. They would just be absent from your life. But...I don't know, maybe it's because of how I've lost people before. Like I wasn't enough of a reason for them to stay. But to me, it's important."

"Emily would never have left us if she hadn't had to. You know that, right? She would have done everything she could to stay. It just wasn't possible." Careful of her phrasing. If she couldn't retract the lie, she certainly wasn't about to deepen it.

He nodded. "I know. She didn't get the choice. Doyle took that from her. He took it from all of us."

A small alarm went off in the back of JJ's head. A sense of something wrong, something new, on top of all the other things that were wrong. Something about the venom that had crept into Reid's voice with his last sentence. But she didn't get to pursue it before he changed the subject.

"How are you dealing with this, JJ? I mean, I know you already had to say goodbye to Emily, in a way, when you left the team. But you were still friends, right? You guys were pretty close."

JJ didn't want the spotlight turned in her direction. She didn't think she had enough artifice within her to withstand extended scrutiny. Especially not from her best friend.

"Me? I'm sad. But it's like you pointed out. We already weren't seeing each other all the time anyway. So day to day, it's not that different from before."

"But it's the idea of it, isn't it? That she's not in the world anymore. If you just didn't work together, you could at least pick up the phone and call her, or plan to get together. But not now."

She opened her mouth to respond, but he wasn't done. It was almost like he was thinking aloud, still trying to work it out, trying to make sense of the nonsensical.

"It's not just that we don't get to see her, or talk to her. That's the selfish part. It's that she doesn't get any more... of anything. Whatever experiences of life she had...they're all she will ever get. She'll never get married, or have children, or ...or ...or even enjoy another great book, or film, or meal. She'll never have another conversation... all of it is over. It was all taken away. It's so unfair."

He'd gotten himself worked up as he'd spoken, his voice broken, fallen away by the final sentences. JJ's eyes filled as she saw the tears brimming his.

"Come here," she said, as she opened her arms to him once again. And, once again, he moved into them, and held her, and breathed her in as though her very scent held the elusive answers he sought.

JJ laid her head on his shoulder, and wished she could cry it out with him. But the tears simply wouldn't spill, as though her body realized it didn't deserve the release.

"I can't do this, Hotch. I can't keep it from him. He's too torn up. It's hurting him. It's hurting us."

"JJ, we've been over this. The situation hasn't changed. The best thing we can do is to find Doyle and put an end to this as quickly as possible. But you and I both know that we'll put Emily at risk again if anyone else knows. She's only just beginning to recover. The doctors don't think she'd survive another attack now."

"But... I know...I know. But I really don't think I can do this, Hotch. Maybe... maybe you can help him?"

She'd put it as a question.

"JJ, I'm his superior. He can't let down with me, not completely. And I don't want to lose him while we're trying to help Emily. It has to be you, I'm afraid."

"Lose him? What do you mean?"

He told her what Reid had said during his grief assessment. "It's like...if we can't take care of each other, why are we even doing this? Sometimes I think Gideon was right. Maybe it's not worth it."

JJ was alarmed. "Are you saying he would quit? Do you think he would leave the BAU? The FBI?"

"I'm saying I think it's a possibility, based on what he said. So I'm asking you again, can you do this?"

She swallowed the bile that threatened to rise. "I'll do it. I have to."