Epilogue the Second: I Think We're Alone Now (There Doesn't Seem to be Anyone Around)
"When single you are, Roger said, imitating Yoda dispensing advice to Luke, get laid you can. When married you get, make love you do." ― Sean Kennedy (Tigers and Devils)
Xander woke slowly, thoughts beginning to gently percolate through his brain. He felt Cordelia stir in the circle of his arm, against his chest, and he smiled.
'No hangover, Chief,' Still Small remarked. 'That's an accomplishment. Heh – and we got laid again last night. Score!'
We're married, dumb ass. It's to be expected now.
'Shows what you know.'
He stretched slowly and luxuriantly, without opening his eyes. Cordelia gave a low, protesting groan when his arm went away, and snuggled in closer to his chest, her left leg going across his. She murmured something that sounded like 'doan wanna go to school' and stilled, smacking her lips.
Xander's smile went a little broader and more lopsided. He put his arm back, and ran his hand slowly down the length of her back, to and over the curve of her ass.
She moaned again, not nearly as protesting as before, and her hips began a slow undulation against his thigh with the motion of his hand.
He did it again, testing and got the same result. Once more, and he ended by sliding a finger between and along the cleft between her cheeks. He felt his morning hard on harden further as her inner thigh rubbed over him.
Cordelia moaned, lower and more gutturally, and hooked the heel of her left foot into his upper calf and drew herself further over him. Her hips bucked again slowly as she rubbed over him and he felt himself groan and twitch.
He moaned, too, and ran both hands along the silken length of her, cupping her ass with his hands and pulling up gently.
Moaning softly, and with little twitches and hitchings of her hips, she slowly worked and shifted until there was a sudden moist heat and wetness surrounding him, and they both gasped.
She sighed and relaxed against him, making little lip smacking noises and burrowed her head into the hollow of his throat, never quite, he was sure, waking up. Her hips began to undulate slowly, working herself up and down along his length, her breath and his hitching in her throat.
Slowly, he lost track of whether he was awake or not, losing himself in silken sensation and little gasping sounds from her movements. The little gasps became guttural, sensual, sleepy sounding moans, and the rhythmic movings and strokings came slowly faster... and the little moans became soft, hungry sounding cries.
Until, minutes, or days, or hours later, there came a slow detonation that built somewhere in the back of his hind-brain and flowed down along his body until it exploded somewhere out of the end of him where he'd long ago lost track of where he stopped, and she began.
And then darkness swallowed him up along with his orgasm, and he no longer was.
No longer awake, no longer thinking, and just... no longer.
Giles had, after a bit of properly British exasperation, resigned himself to the mystery of Faith's unexplained presence for the moment. He removed his glasses and began polishing them in a timeless Giles mannerism.
"Actually, this does work out to be rather serendipitous, Faith," he said, finally.
Faith frowned slowly, her eyebrows drawing down and together. "Like I told Cordy, G: reformed, not a doormat."
Giles blinked at her, nonplussed for a moment. After a moment that he obviously spent rolling the past moments of conversation around in his mind, he smiled slightly and shook his head, looking rueful. "I- I- ah... that is," he started.
"Serendipity, Faith," Jonathan said. "Means like, uh... when you dig for worms and hit oil instead."
Faith turned the slight scowl on him for a few moments, then brightened slowly, and nodded. "Ok. Yeah, like getting junk mail and it turns out to be Ed McMahon."
"Uh huh." Jonathan grinned at her.
"So, you mean you'd wanted to see me, just not here, right?"
"Right," Giles said, nodding. "I had planned to make a quick visit to Stockton after seeing Cordelia and Xander here, as soon as I could make the arrangements. This saves me the trouble and difficulty."
"About... ?" Faith cocked her head at him, her expression curious. "'Cause, like, no offense, but the only one of you guys I've heard from since I went in has been Harris there, and him just in letters."
Giles flushed slightly and looked away briefly, polishing a bit more rapidly. Xander didn't think the comment was quite fair, really, but he couldn't help but get a slight jolt of satisfaction at seeing Giles discomfited by Faith's bluntness.
"Well, ah," Giles looked back, meeting her eyes after replacing his now truly spotless glasses. He sighed, "I didn't really believe we had much to talk about, the two of us, for a long while, I'm afraid."
"Oh? Do tell," Faith said, propping her chin in the palm of one hand, that propped on an upraised knee as she regarded him steadily.
"Faith." Cordelia said, shaking her head slightly.
Faith glanced sidelong at her and flipped a hand up in acquiescence. But her expression said the subject wasn't dropped, only postponed...
"Ah, err," Giles said again, sighing. He shook his head slightly, and then apparently decided to forge onward. "Were you by any chance aware that Buffy flat-lined on the operating table recently after Warren shot her?" he asked.
"Yeah. Something was said about that earlier tonight." Faith glanced to Cordelia and got a nod of confirmation.
"Ah. Well, was it also mentioned that a new Slayer was Called, by any chance?"
"No... " Faith said, thoughtfully. She shrugged. "Lucky girl to be blessed with the suck. And, so?"
"Maybe fortunate you're out, suddenly," Oz said. He seemed to be inspecting the cuticles on one upraised hand carefully, or possibly examining the purple nails on the fingers of that hand for signs of chipping and wear. Maybe.
He raised his eyes to Faith's, along with an eyebrow. "Moving target, and all."
Faith's eyes widened slightly, and then narrowed as her head snapped around to focus on Giles with laser intensity.
"No. That is not an option that was on the table to be considered," Giles said, very quietly. "I can assure you. And no one sane would ask me to carry such a thing out," he said, his voice gone even softer. "Nor any field Watcher worthy of the name."
"I remember Buffy's Crucim- Curcia, that evil test thing, Giles," Cordelia said, softly, with a bit of laser beam intense regard of her own. "I drove her home, remember?"
"No." He lifted a hand, "Yes, I do recall, and, no," he said. "The Reformationist branch of the Council has been adamant on that subject since Faith's self imposed incarceration, and with Quentin Travers' support and agreement. Especially since that... debacle in Los Angeles sponsored by the Traditionalist Factions."
"Kinda surprised," Faith said. "I seem to remember being shot at with automatic weapons. Me and Buffy."
Giles shrugged, started to say something, visibly reconsidered, and shrugged again. "Did it ever occur to you to wonder why you were not simply... put to sleep during your coma?"
"Hrmm." Faith looked nonplussed for a moment. "Guess not," she said. "Would have been the easiest way."
"Quite." Giles agreed, softly. "Travers held out against the Traditionalists led by Roger Wyndam-Pryce on that, rather surprisingly, perhaps, stating that it was not the business of the Council to kill Slayers. It was our business to support and reclaim them if possible."
"Amazing," Cordelia said. Faith nodded her agreement.
"Yeah. I been just smothered in support ever since Diana was killed. I get all choked up about it sometimes, what with the warm fuzzies and all." Faith's tone could dehydrate dry ice.
Giles flushed again and removed his glasses to polish again. Xander grinned, earning himself a reproving look.
"Hey," Xander spread his hands. "My girl's got a point, she's got a point."
That earned him a sharper look. "Your girl? I had thought that you and- "
"Cordelia? Yeah, are, will be, is, forever and a day or so, yata yata," Xander said. "And, so? Faith's one of my girls now. Always has been, really."
"Just took me awhile to catch on," Faith said.
"We noticed a long time ago that you're slow, sometimes," Oz said, smiling slightly.
Faith shot him a sharp, sidelong glance, followed by a dimpling smile when she caught the expression and the twinkle in the green eyes. "Yup. Remedial learner, that's me."
"That's ok," Cordelia said, her tone light. "We have intensive seminars for the short bus students."
That got another dimpled smile. "I noticed."
"Harrumph," Giles cleared his throat. "Be that as, er, it may," he was obviously floundering in the currents of subtext and sinking fast, with no life preserver. "You apparently were not aware that no Slayer was Called after Buffy's death at the hand of Glorificus last May?"
"No." That got the laser intense scrutiny again. "Was not."
"Yes. Apparently, the Slayer line shifted to run through Kendra after Buffy's first death, and then you following Kendra's," Giles said.
"Do tell," Faith said, quietly, obviously stunned and just as obviously fighting to keep it behind a blank expression. She looked at Cordelia, frowning. "Don't remember your telling me this? Did you?"
"I- I- ah... " Cordelia frowned. "Don't remember?" She threw up her hands. "We got kinda busy."
"We did that thing." Faith's lips quirked in a slight smile. "'S'all right, Cordy," she said, "I forgive you. So... " she riveted Giles again. "Something gone kerblooey, huh?"
"Ah. Yes, to put it bluntly," he said, nodding. "And we have no idea what."
"Uh, Giles?" Xander raised a hand, and shot an apologetic look at Faith. "Don't mean to step on things of vital Slayer importance, but you had something for Cordy? I, mean, I know it's still early, but we had a long day and Cordy and I are fading, like, fast."
"And Giles looks like he rode in on the outside of the plane, himself," Cordelia said.
"But he's British," Oz put in. "The stiff upper lip keeps him propped upright." That provoked laughter all around, a bit of it slightly hysteria tinged from the fatigue toxin victims.
"Well, yes, that does have its advantages," Giles said. He pinched the bridge of his nose, inhaling deeply and letting it out. "I am deeply sorry, Cordelia."
"No big." She waved it off. "We're all a bit punchy."
"Yeah. Consider it tabled for later," Faith said.
"Yeah." Cordelia frowned. "Ok, so I know about the Scrolls of Azbergerji or whatever. That Vocah demon used them to send my visions into overdrive, and Wesley to cure it. With the Shitzu prophecy about Angel. And the others... that Nyazian thing were those prophecy scrolls Wesley mistranslated that said that Angel would kill his son?" Her frown deepened, and she said, "And the... Torklan, isn't that a mystical conjunction thing?"
"Yes, ah... " Giles looked nonplussed again. "Ah, yes. Sort of." He tapped one of the eldritch volumes, and said, "The Scrolls of Aberjian are a selection from a part of a much larger work, much of it also concerned with the, err, Enspirited Daemon – what most who have studied them believe to be Angelus, the Souled Vampire. And a being associated with him known as 'The One Who Sees.'"
"Angel," Faith said, softly. "He goes by Angel now. Angelus is the other one."
Cordelia jerked at Giles' words, her eyes narrowing. She exchanged glances with Xander.
"Ah, quite," Giles said, with a nod to Faith. "I have my differences with Angel... " he cleared his throat, "However, they are neither here nor there. The Book of Aberjian contains a number of chronicles, a much larger set of prophecies concerning the Shan-shu, and a number of revelations surrounding the End Days and the Enspirited One and his Seer and their roles therein."
"I've given this a lot of thought, and I've come to the conclusion that, Prophecies? Never a good thing," Xander said. "Fact, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I'm against them."
Cordelia, Faith, and Oz all looked at him, snickering.
"Seems the news flash went out ahead of you, Ace," Faith said. "According to Green Guy, that's not 'zactly a well hidden secret."
"Yes, I am well aware of your rather cavalier disregard for prophecy and fate, Xander," Giles said, smiling.
"So, this Shan-shu... that means Angel will live again, after a whole bunch of trials and stuff?" Cordelia asked, frowning again.
"No. Or, perhaps, yes," Giles said. He got several wry expressions, and colored slightly. "It's rather... complicated."
"It always is," Cordelia said, her expression sour. "I'd just once love to get a clear cut and simple Prophecy in, like, plain English."
"Vote we table that one and call a Scooby meeting for, tomo- err, tonight," Xander said. "At the Magic Box, since Faith's persons non gratis at Buffys."
There were ayes all around, and Giles nodded. "All right. And the Nyazian Chronicles are also a larger work containing the scrolls of the Nyazian Prophecy, which concerns the child of two Night Walkers – vampires – and the coming of a harbinger of destruction known only as 'The Beast', and a rather ill defined entity that shall follow him."
"And lo, a great darkness will fall, the dead will rise, and there will be terrible upheavals followed by cataclysm and the end of all things," Oz said, his voice arid. He smiled, spreading his hands. "Seemed to be the way these things go."
"Yes," Giles said, nodding and matching Oz's slight smile with a tight one of his own. "We do seem to end up here rather a lot, do we not?"
"Angel has a son by Darla," Cordelia said, softly, her eyes wide. Xander took her hand in his own and she gripped his back fiercely.
"Oh. Oh my," Giles said. he removed his glasses again, peering at her.
"Behold, a pale horse," Jonathan murmured.
"And let me guess," Xander said, his voice equally as soft as Cordelia's. "The 'One Who Sees' brings about the coming of the One Who Follows." He kept his gaze carefully off of his wife's, locking eyes with Giles. "From Within You It Devours."
"Crap. Rosemary's freaking baby?" Cordelia's voice rose almost to a wail on the last. "I have so had it with demonic pregnancies!"
His second waking was slower than the first, as for some reason, his brain felt as melted as his body.
Awareness and then something that might be sentience came back to him slowly, followed sometime after by what might have been thought.
And memories...
Flashes and bits and pieces of memory from the night before.
– Seeing Giles out, and surprising and discomfiting the older man by suddenly pulling him into a tight, fierce, awkward hug, and whispering, "I am so glad you're here, man." Discomfiting for Giles, anyway.
Fuck 'im. World needs more hugs. And the people you love damned well need to know about it...
– Coming back in and giving Cordy one also, long and tight and fierce. No need to worry that she'd break in your arms, he thought. Substantial girl, in all the ways that count. She gripped him back like she wanted to submerge into him...
– Telling Cordelia – asking, really, with his eyes – to bear with him, that he needed to do something with Faith. And getting a wry smile and a nod...
Permission and forgiveness all in one.
– Walking up to an unsuspecting Faith and taking her hands in his own, startling her. Startling her more by leaning in, slowly and carefully, and kissing her.
Deeply, slowly, and with excruciating gentleness and intensity. Pulling back and away equally slowly. And pulled her head back gently to kiss her on the forehead as they parted.
Seeing Faith's eyes open with a kind of a slow wonder, and one hand going to her lips, and her visibly shuddering with a full body shiver.
"Better watch that," she said, finally, her voice husky and hoarse. "I've been in prison. And your wife'll kill me if I rip your clothes off right now."
"So," he said, his lips quirking up into a half smile. "Take Jonno and drag him into your lair later and have your wicked way with him. Or Oz."
"Might do that." Faith looked an inquiry at him.
"I am so very, very sorry, Faith."
A blink at that, long and slow. Faith shook her head, looking as if she might want to wiggle a finger in her ear.
"Can't be hearing that. Why, for gods-sake?"
"For being an idiot. For not being what you needed, when you needed. For being eighteen, horny, and stupid. For not trying to be a friend until it was too late."
"Wouldn't have helped," Faith said, her eyes bleak and disbelieving. "And I tried to kill you, you fucking moron! You don't have anything to be sorry for!"
He shrugged. "Join the fucking club, Faith. It doesn't have an exclusive membership at this point – every woman I know except Oz has tried to kill me at least once, and he punched me in the mouth."
Oz nodded. "Did that thing." (beat) "And I'm not a woman."
"The nail polish confuses me, deeply."
Faith shook her head, looking suddenly furious. "You. Don't. Have. Anything. To. Be. Sorry. For. I do, dammit."
"Me me me, that's all you women are all about," Xander said, leaning back before she could even think about swatting him. Or punching, considering it was Faith. He heard Cordelia snicker behind him. "Let's do this, then. We forgive each other. And we move on."
Faith froze, considering it. She smiled slowly, nodded. "We could do that thing."
"And you forgive you."
"Uh... " she went into brain lock again. "That's gonna be a lot harder."
"Always is."
She nodded, then a slow smile spread across those cupid bow lips. She rubbed at her forehead with her sleeve.
"And what the hell kind of a kiss is on the forehead, for chrissakes?"
"He has a fetish," Cordelia said, coming up to slip an arm around his waist.
"Couldn't he have one for PVC and crotchless undies like a normal guy?"
"Nah," Xander said. "Star Trek uniforms and crotchless Vulcans."
Flashes and bits and pieces of memory from the night before...
Mostly pornographic, but not all.
– Holding Cordelia tightly in the circle of his arms as deep, wracking sobs shook her body and she ground her face into the hollow of his neck, harsh noises coming from her. Murmuring things that meant nothing and everything and stroking her hair and her back, until at long last, the storm blew out to sea...
– Drifting off and waking again, to an indescribable sensation to see Cordelia's wicked, Cheshire cat grin over the head of his cock. And a hot wetness that arched him back and turned him inside out as she engulfed him again. Pressure building until he screamed out and exploded, his hand pulling her head in until her nose was buried in his pubic hair – her mouth and throat working frantically until she coughed and pushed back, the working of her tongue, lips, and mouth never slowing...
– Cordelia above him later, her hips undulating and those incredible breasts bobbing invitingly. And a soft, white glow surrounding her and flowing over and into them both. Lost to sensation and need as he ceased to know or understand or care where he left off and she began. If there was a leaving and a beginning, even...
– Moving into her from behind, slow and gentle at first, and then with increasing force and rapidity, her hips working and pushing that incredible ass back against him. Her face down on the covers with one hand grasping the sheets, and the other fingers clenched in his. Making sensual, guttural sounds deep inside of her that might have been agony in any other situation, and wasn't...
– Cordelia on her back with her legs silken along his rib cage, black nylon clad heels hooked over his shoulders as he moved within her. Her mouth hard and hot against his, murmuring things that would have been obscene in any other situation, any other framework, and weren't...
–- Those gorgeous tits wrapped around the length of him, her hands pressing them together as his hips moved, her moving in counterpoint. Until a hard, gasping clenching took him and he exploded. All over her lips and mouth and throat and breasts – both of them laughing themselves sick as she wiped an errant spray from one eyelid...
And holding her close, later, as they lay spent, whispering over and over again, fiercely, that he loved her, had always loved her, and was never ever letting go. And her whispering back just as fiercely that she knew, she knew...
Drifting away, falling endlessly, until he came to himself abruptly...
Seated in a small outdoor patio at a cafe he recognized from his road trip, in Santa Fe, with an Americano in his hand and a plate of hot, spicy and crisp fresh fried quesadillas in front of him.
Seated across from him, drinking a frosty mug of something that might be Guinness, was a slender, dark haired man with a quirky grin and the most incredible blue eyes he'd ever seen.
"You, I don't recognize," Xander remarked. "What part of my brain do you represent?"
"Ah," the man said, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He took a long draught of his beer, and smacked his lips in appreciation. "Not like that. It's Doyle I'm being."
Xander blinked, and took a sip of his Americano to cover it. "Ok, so. Who are you being when you're not a Doyle?"
The man threw back his head, laughing. A sound of pure delight, and so infectious that he couldn't help grinning and laughing along, though he hadn't the slightest idea why or what he was laughing with.
Or at.
"No. Doyle," he said, putting a hand out across the small table. Xander shook it, smiling back at him. "Alan Francis Doyle. And you're being a Xander Harris, I'm thinking."
"You're thinking right. At least when I'm not being a dumb ass."
"And then you're still being a Xander Harris, I'm betting."
"You might be right, at that," Xander said. He frowned slowly, and suddenly aimed a finger across the table. "Doyle! Cordy's Doyle!"
"Yep. That'd be me."
"I'm not giving her back. And I won't fight you for her," Xander said. "I won her, fair and square."
Doyle threw his head back, laughing again. He put his hands out, palms out in surrender. "No, no. Not asking, albeit she's neither of ours ta be giving. I have lousy relationship prospects, anyway, me being dead and all." He cocked his head, adding, "Not that they were all that good when I was living."
Xander shrugged, somewhat mollified. "It's like that, sometimes."
"It is that." Doyle studied him, and smiled crookedly. "I'm wondering if she'd of come in after me, like she did for you."
"She would have," Xander said without hesitation. "She loved you, idiot. Damned near killed her when you killed yourself."
"I'm thinking she picked well with you, our Cordy." Doyle said. "Better than Angel, anyway."
Xander snorted, not even bothering to comment. And then he did.
"Angel, not my favorite person," Xander said. "But since we have a Cordy between us, we're working on it."
"Yeah," Doyle said. "Love the man to death, but he's a walking disaster area for the ladies, he is."
"It's the hair gel, and the swishy coat," Xander said. He studied the other man, curiously. A few inches to a hand shy of his own six feet, and slender. Dressed in a leather jacket, gray cargo pants, and a loud Hawaiian shirt of blue and white and yellow. He was struck again that he'd probably like this man if they'd met while alive.
Well, except for the Cordelia thing...
"She didn't do too bad with you, either," Xander said, grudgingly. "Could have done worse."
"Pshaw. You'll be turning my head," Doyle said.
"Hey, calls 'em like I sees 'em," Xander said, waggling his eyebrows. "You're a foine figger of a man."
"It's not that that I'm doubting," Doyle said. "It's not swinging that way I'm a being."
"Heh. As Willow would say, oh shucky darns. As I would say," (beat) "My god, what a relief."
"Damn." Doyle snapped his fingers. "Should have called ye on it just to see ya freak out."
"I'd blush."
They grinned at each other for a minute, Xander reflecting on what a relief it was to finally be secure enough in who he was, and his own sexuality, to joke around like that. Maybe that whole integration thing had something going for it. Something other than generating enough nightmare fuel to make him a fetish fuel station on the Dreamways.
"So, dead," Xander said, rolling the word in his mouth to try the taste. "You like a White Lighter now, or something?"
"Hah. Something like," Doyle said. "I'm, well, I guess you could call me an agent for the Powers that Be."
Xander's face froze, along with his smile. And then his eyes. He stood slowly, tossing a few bucks onto the table as he pushed his chair back.
"Enjoy your beer," he said. "Because we have a Cordy between us, I won't kill you where you sit. Laters."
"Whoa, easy now," Doyle said, putting his hands up in surrender again. "It's a major misunderstanding I'm thinking we have."
"What we have here," Xander said, slowly and distinctly, "Is not a failure to communicate. Unless you try to stop me from leaving."
Xander's smile slid slowly across his lips, and quirked up at one side. "And then we'll communicate real well. Briefly."
"Sit." Doyle said, his eyes suddenly hard and just as cold as Xander's felt. "Please."
It was the please that got him, Xander always figured, later on.
He pulled his chair back up and sat, slowly. "You have a limited amount of time and words. Use them well."
"You might actually be able to take one of us down," Doyle said, a kind of wonder to his voice. He cocked his head, studying Xander anew. "You have the potential. And the intent."
"I have intent coming out of my ass right now. Time's wasting."
Doyle nodded, taking another draught from his Guinness.
"I'm not being any happier about this whole situation than you are, I'll be having you know," he said, "and it's intending to do something about it I am."
"It's my fullest and complete attention you'll be having now, it is," Xander said. He sat down slowly, still glaring at the other man. Being. Whatever.
Xander came aware after a time that his wife was laid out on top of him, body matched point to point against his, stomach to stomach and chest to chest, gazing down at him. Smiling.
His wife. His wife, Cordelia Chase. And, Cordelia Chase, his wife. Man. That was just not ever going to get old.
There might just be better ways to wake up, he thought. But he wasn't aware of any that fit the bill...
"Umm." Cordelia stretched herself along the length of him, smiling down into his eyes as they opened.
"Hi there," he blinked up at her, lazily and sleepily. "And, umm?"
"Such a strange dream I had," she said, nodding. She leaned her head forward until their foreheads touched, both of their eyes crossing as they looked into each other.
"Ah." Xander nodded, her head bobbing with his motion. "Me too."
She leaned back enough to focus on him, raising an eyebrow.
"Nah," Xander shook his head, smiling. "Later, maybe. Not really important right now." She nodded, smiling, and he slid his hands along her sides from the curve of her buttocks up to her shoulder blades, then into her hair to pull her lips down to his.
"Uhngh," she said, breaking away after a long minute. "No, don't get started again. I have to pee."
"Sigh. Such a romantic."
"Jerk."
"Your jerk."
"I'm sadly aware."
She pushed her self up on her hands, with obvious reluctance, and rolled off of him, sliding off the bed to stand beside it. She stretched like a cat, smiling her enjoyment of the appreciative look he gave her.
"Gods." Xander shook his head. "That is such an erotic outfit, Mrs. Harris."
"This old thing?" Cordelia grinned, twirling slowly in place. "What – black lace topped nylons and a smile?"
"And stiff nipples," he said, agreeing.
"Must be cold in here."
"Must be."
He watched lazily as she headed toward the master bath, calling out as she opened the door. "And don't take all morning – I have to go, too. Right after you."
"Well, since I am so not into water sports, I'll keep that in mind."
'Hate to see her go, but I love to watch her walk away,' Still Small said.
Don't you know it, bud.
After a bit, drained and splashed and brushed and all minty fresh, they stood by the bed. She raised her hands, fingers spread, and he interlaced his with hers, pulling her hands down and behind her to pull her in close. The kiss was long, and achingly slow.
He rubbed his nose against hers, and grinned when she wrinkled hers up in the way she always used to when he did that.
"Freaking Eskimo kisses."
He kissed her again, the regular way. "I am deeply and irrevocably in love with you, Mrs. Chase-Harris."
"I know," she said. "I think I might be deeply and irretrievably in love with you, too, Mr. Harris-Chase."
"You think?" He kissed her again. "Might be?"
"Hrmm." She stood on tip-toe to kiss him back, and leaned back looking contemplative. "One more of those, and I might be almost certain of it."
"Think we can manage that." They moved to the bed, still kissing.
"We really need to come out eventually," Cordelia said, pulling away finally. "We have guests."
"They can forage like the rest of the varmints. There's mice if they get too hungry."
She stared at him, then shook her head, snickering helplessly. "You are so... " she broke off, apparently giving up on defining exactly what he was so.
"Outrageously horny?" He suggested.
She tapped her nose and pointed at him. She grinned. "Damn. You remember that day on the beach, way back when we were, like, thirteen, fourteen? And we both got stood up together?"
"Never forgot it," he said. "That tiny leopard patterned bikini is burned into my brain forever." Xander smiled, his eyes going distant. "And the girl inside the wrapper. And the lei."
She nodded, grinning. "And the almost lay." She lay back against the bed, pulling him down next to her. "You will never ever know how close I came to dragging you home that night and telling Mother where she could stick her 'right kind of friends' crap."
"Like you did Harmony? Woulda been a sight to see," he said, laughing. "And, almost wish you had," he said. "Instead, we were back to hating each other a couple of days later."
"I never hated you, not really," Cordelia said. "Not until after the re-bar, and even then... "
"Pain and anger and sad and betrayed, all rolled up together," he said, nodding. "Me too." Xander smiled, looking wistful, "I still have all of the photos from that day, of that bikini. And that girl."
"Yeah." She looked up at him, seriously. "Would it have worked?"
"If you had?" He thought about it, giving it all worthwhile consideration. "Nah. Not then. Not for long."
"Yeah." She nodded, smiling wistfully also. "We'd probably have screwed it all up even worse."
"And it'd have killed me when we did. Or I did," Xander said. "Think we had to go all the way to get here."
"No maps, long empty stretches, sudden curves, and near fatal collisions and all?"
"And dangerous hairpin curves," he said. He ran a finger along her arm, and down along the curve of her hip and across her thigh, until he ran out of reach. "But man, what scenery along the way."
"Sap."
Xander reached out and rolled her onto her stomach, lying with her head pillowed on her folded arms. Began laying a line of kisses along her upper arm, over her shoulder, and slowly down the length of her back to the hollow before the swell of her ass. Along the backs of her thighs and calves. And back up again...
"If you keep doing that, I may scream."
"I want you to scream... "
At some point later, her laying flat out on the bed, stomach down, legs spread, and him moving inside of her, he moved a bit too energetically and slipped out. And she moved her hips and he accidentally slipped back in a bit higher than the mark, slick and lubricated with Cordelia Chase... up to about a third of his length before she gasped, stiffened and tightened up, and he froze.
She hissed deep in her throat, and growled. "Oh, god. I've never done this before."
He stopped and began to slide back, gently.
"Oh god. Don't - "
He froze again, unsure of where to move. Or if. No means no. Not maybe.
"Don't you dare stop. Or move." She let out a shuddering gasp. "J-just... let me wrap myself around this concept first." (beat) "S-so to s-sp-speak."
"You get any more wrapped around it, and I may not be able to stand it."
She laughed, almost a gasp, and then shuddered all over. He waited for a sign or a word to stop that never came. After awhile, he moved gently, sliding forward slowly until he was buried to the root against her ass, inside of her ass, and held there.
Cordelia gasped again, her head arching back with her mouth open, hands fisting in the covers. Then her head slowly slumped forward, and she shuddered all over, outside and in.
"G-g-gods. That's a f-first. Wow." She began to move back against him, her hips slowly and rhythmically grinding herself into him.
"Well," Xander said, twitching his hips and eliciting a high pitched squeak and another shuddering gasp, "I always dreamed of boldly going where no man has cum before."
Damned brain to mouth filter...
She gasped, almost convulsing. After which, she started making the strangest, quietest, most godawful breathless strangled sounds, one hand clenched into a fist and held to her mouth. Xander nearly pulled back and out, alarmed.
Then he realized she was laughing so hard she wasn't making any real sound; so hard her entire body was shaking against and around him.
Gasp. "Gods, Xander," Cordelia finally managed to choke out, "Dork. You are such an asshole."
He laughed, twitching his hips again. "So are you, Miss Chase," he said, snickering, "And such a tight one, too." He leaned forward and kissed the join of her shoulder and neck, twitching again...
Gasp. "I don't know why I put up with you, you you... unbelievable schmuck," she said, laughing.
He moved, fore and back slightly, and after a minute of incoherent noises, she managed to gasp out, "Oh. That's why."
"I knew there had to be some reason," Xander said, laughing along with her.
He moved again, and when she could breathe without making squeaking sounds, Cordelia turned her head, looking back over her shoulder at him.
"Well?" she raised an eyebrow. "Are you going to, like, do anything with this compromising position? Or just prop yourself up back there like a thick lump?"
"oh... " he said. "I think my thick lump can figure out something entertaining to do."
He did.
Definitely entertaining, quite so, for awhile yet to come.
So to speak.
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~ The END ~
(For now.)
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And, moving right along...
To be continued in:
"And One More Thing I Hate About You!"
Book II: A Crazy Little Thing Called Love
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Afterword and Additional Credits and Disclaimers: That Stuff at the Back
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"Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of – but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards." ― Lazarus Long
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Cool. You made it to the end.
Well, those of you that made it, anyway. I see a few new faces in the crowd here, and some of those who started out with me, seem to have dropped by the wayside.
Heh. Hope they just got bored and hit [back]. I'd hate to think they were eaten by a Grue. Or a Groo.
Ok. Fust things fustest.
Sorry about the seriously long delay in posting, those few of y'all who've dropped notes in reviews on my other stuff asking when and even if there'd ever be updates.
Yes. There will be.
See, long about the end of, oh, 2008, my roomie got medical issues and had to quit driving a truck. Cut the household income in half. Then I got laid off, more or less. (Place I was contracting with dropped its contractors. Other place cut all of us to $200 worth of billable a month. Ouch.)
And, so, long about early 2009, I found myself at the very bottom of my bank account with practically zero income and about thirty bucks in savings and ten in checking... which didn't please the landlord, as he'd been patient about as long as he was a gonna.
So. Long and short, no income, no job, no prospects, and soonest, no home.
And no computer of my own. I found it's hard to maintain a PC when you're homeless.
But– that passed. Three years later, and I managed to first, get an apartment and a roof again, and then a PC of my very own. No 'net connection yet, but hey – Public Library has one, and so does a friend of mine.
So. Isa back! Didja miss me? ;)
And I'm writing again. Obviously. Heh – 180,000 plus words in six weeks. I'd better be writing again, or my computer is haunted by a really prolific ghost. (Rap rap. Hey, Dennis – you in there? Bob? You browsing porn again?)
I'd say it only goes up from here, but I have Sunnydale Syndrome and I don't like tempting the gods.
And so: welcome to the end of "And Another Thing I Hate About You!" Glad you made it. Hell, glad I made it.
Hope you enjoyed it at least as much as I did.
At some point, I will get back to the Road-verse (Oh the people she knows). I have, like, enough stuff outlined to keep me writing there until shortly after my untimely demise, and then beyond. (Hey, I plan to ghost write afterwards. Don't you?)
And Richard and I will get back to the Nightwatchmen. Again, hey – I have outlines and notes for all the way up through and past the end of Night-watch Season Seven. I may not live long enough to write them all...
And I also have just a ton of crap that gelled inside of my head while I had no access to a computer and no way to get it out. So there may be a lot of digressions outside of those two series as I work some of those out into electrons...
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Ok. Now, before a mod gets me or karma or something bites me in the ass, some important shite about the story you just read...
Like, additional credits and disclaimers:
For those of you who didn't catch it and note it in comments, Jess Corey and and S&C Construction are from a 1970's men's action and adventure novel called "Corey's Losers", by John Whitlatch. They belong to him (and his estate) and to Pocket Books.
Hey – toldja it was obscure. Ya think I was lying? I needed a construction company for Xander to work for, so I did what any self respecting fan-fiction author does. I damned well stole one.
I'm pretty sure that Las Vegas exists in real life and it belongs to the US Gubbermint and the Mob. I have no idea if the "Elvish-fucking-Presley All-shook-up Drive Through Wedding Chapel and International House of fucking Pancakes" exists in real life or not. It should, though.
Harry Dresden and the Dresden-verse and "the Never Never" belong to Jim Butcher, ROC, and Penguin Books, and is/are used without permission. Xander's wise ass subconscious and the conversations he has with Alex while knocked cold are also inspired by Jim. As are a lot of the other concepts used here.
The Dreamlands and their denizens and guardians belong variously to the authors of the Cthulhu Mythos, primarily/including Brian Lumley and many others. I flat out stole 'em as a concept cuz they is nifty.
The Sea of dreams belongs to Jack L. Chalker from one of his many series, the "Dancing Gods" Trilogy. Again, I liked the concept and it fit.
The Ghost Roads came from the "Gatekeeper Trilogy" (a Buffy-verse Expanded Universe trilogy) by Christopher Golden, Nancy Holder, and Pocket Books. Again: Concept. Liked. Horse. Stolen. Barn Door. Locked. Deal.
The Dreamways themselves are mine, but the concept isn't original to me, by any means. They're an amalgamation of stuff absorbed into my warped mind over the decades.
The "Knight of Ghosts and Shadows" title that Cordelia bestowed upon Xander when they were six comes from a line in Mercedes Lackey's Bardic Trilogy. It fits, and fits lots better than the "White Knight" crap Angelus stuck on him.
I don't think any of these really qualify as a crossover, despite my borrowing so heavily from the universes, because they're either so obscure, or so oblique.
Pinky and the Brain belong to Warner Brothers and Animaniacs. I don't think I used any actual Brainisms; I made up my own for Faith and Cordy, but, hey – cred where credit is due anyway.
The idea of a journey into your own mind's eye – or someone else's – as a means to a journey of self knowledge is too universal to belong to anyone. Its kind of an archetypal concept. Call it the Shaman's Journey, and move on.
The World as Myth concept comes from the immortal Robert Heinlein and "Number of the Beast" and other works of his.
The Hero of a Thousand Faces and the Hero's Journey concept comes from Joseph Campbell, as noted in the text. It just seems like something a geek like Xander might have read...
Songs and song lyrics used in various places within the text are:
"Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen and Freddy Mercury
"All Star" by Smashmouth
"On a Hot Summer Night/Took the Words Right Outta My Mouth" by Meatloaf (Daniel Aday) and the immortal Jim Steinman
"Red Light Love" by Those Darlins'
"Sugar Sugar" by the Archies
"Red Rubber Ball" by the Cyrkle
"Poison" by Alice Cooper
"Songwriter" by the Good Rats
The closing song lyrics are from "Crying" by Aerosmith, a sardonic, raucous, lovely little metal song that just seemed to me to fit this story and the pairing so, so well.
A full list of attributions for the various song lyrics, titles, and other stuff I warped and twisted for my chapter titles appears below in the scrolling end credits. Attributions for chapter quotes and header quotes are at the end of the quotation.
Anya's little joke in "It's the End of My World As I Know It (And the hell was that noise... ?)" aka Chapter Twenty-one, was inspired by something that someone said, wrote, typed at me in an email or ICQ text, or I heard or saw someplace. Possibly Caine...
And I really liked it, filed off the serial numbers, and it inspired my own version of the joke...
Becuz it's such an Anya thing to do, yanno?
Sorry. Have no idea where the inspiration came from, so I can't attribute it better. But it was cherce.
And yes, for those who were wondering: the Faith in the First Interlude dream sequence is Faith from the Nightwatchmen universe. Everyone who figured that out from the clues, award yourself one free No Prize from petty cash.
And, last but not least, all of the Buffy and Angel dialogue quotes came out of the episode transcripts at Buffyworld . com. WB, Mutant Enemy, and Kazui have zero responsibility (or blame) for anything I've done with 'em.
All of the little Cordelia/Xander interaction vignettes were either inspired by comments made in canon that I ran with (Hey, they never did explain the Barbie incident or how the Yellow Crayon got broke), or I made them up from whole cloth because they fit the characters so well. Mostly based off of my interactions over the years with female childhood friends, sweethearts, enemies, and frenemies like Cordy.
Ghani came about because that just seemed like the kind of dog a little Cordy would have. And I like Afghan Hounds. So, neener.
All of the little "Still Small Voice" and "Still Quiet Voice" interactions were pulled out of my ass because they amused me.
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I just flat like the Xander/Cordelia pairing. Obviously. They just click and they work so well together, both on screen and as characters to write. Plus, they're the closest I got to seeing what I consider a real life couple onscreen during the Buffy years. I knew couples like Xan and Cordy in high school.
Hell, at certain points, I was couples like Xan and Cordy in high school and my early twenties. I dated and was friends with a couple of girls like Cordelia Chase, and got along fine with 'em. (For certain values of "got along with"). And Xander at various points could have been my own viewer identification character at some points in my life...
Some of the worst writing moments and character derailments in BtVS and AtS, to my mind, were variously:
– Breaking up Cordelia and Xander to shuffle her character over to Angel's new series. Not that he and Cordy wouldn't have broken up... it's just the way the whole thing was written and handled made it hard for me to see it. I didn't buy the Fluke, didn't buy the way it was written – and didn't buy the way it was dropped as soon as it served its purpose.
Cheap plot devices inserted only to serve a metastory purpose – in this case, freeing up Charisma Carpenter so she could migrate over to where she could be screwed over on Angel the Series – just don't do it for me, sorry. And yes I am unhappy with the way that CC and her character, Cordelia, were treated on that show. Go figger.
– Cordelia falling in love with Angel and deciding to go for a relationship after seeing the whole Angel/Buffy thing and knowing about the soul curse. Hey, c'mon now. Cordelia Chase. Have you guys met? Cordelia doesn't settle for a guy who can't and wouldn't experience perfect happiness just from being with her. Not happening.
– The whole forced Ascension and used up by Jasmine and dropped into a mystical coma and killed – while the PTB supposedly stood by and did nothing. Uh... and Cordelia just overlooked all that and elected to stay a Higher Being and do the Power's dirty work after.
Uh. Again: Hello – Cordelia Chase. Have you guys met? Cordelia would rip someone's lungs out for doing that/allowing that while they stood by with their thumbs up their butts, and then having the gall to ask her to work for them after. Sheesh.
No freaking way. That just flat out was not Cordelia in "You're Welcome." No way in hell, no how. And she's just flat not gonna wander the multi-verse helping bend over other people without lube for the PTB's purposes after, no matter what kind of great fanfic has come out of it. No way.
Don't get me started on the sleeping with Connor thing...
My Xander and Cordy got back together after "Hell's Bells". Or else Cordy de-Ascended herself and went to Africa for his lamer ass at some point following "Chosen" while that thing wearing her face was wandering around W&H and screwing over Angel one last time.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Them. Whatever.
There's a million stories in the naked brain of Ironbear, and if we're lucky, you'll get to see a few more of 'em. Eww.
Apologies to anyone who liked crazy Wesley in later seasons of Angel. I done kilt him in Xander's mind, and I don't apologize for it. (Don't worry: real world and fictional world Wesley are fine. Drunk and psychotic, but fine.)
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'K. So... as always, reviews will be appreciated, whether the reviewer liked it or hated it. Con-crit will be greatly appreciated, possibly argued with in comments and email/PM, and I may even use it for improving future works.
Flames will be snickered at.
There's a Preview Excerpt from the upcoming continuation: "And One More Thing I Hate About You", following the scrolling credits, so stick around.
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Thanks much,
- Ironbear
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An RFI Studios Film
"And Another Thing I Hate About You!"
Produced by Pixelated Studios
and
Radio Free Productions
A Screamworks Film
Screenplay courtesy of Random Visions Studios
© 2012 Ironbear and Disreputable Press under Creative Commons licensing
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Directed by: …... Weschler Graham
Produced by: …... Ambrose Dyson Collache
Written by: …... Ferrous Ursine
Ironbear
Evil Ted
Distributed by: …... Electric Chicken
Release Date(s) …... Jan 31, 2013 (It wasn't released – it escaped)
Running Time: …... Infinity
Language: …... Gibberish
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Title Credits:
Pain is So Close to Pleasure …... Queen
Tequila, Te-Kill-ya …... Old drunk's slogan
Thin Ice and Heavy Vibe …... Take off on Dire Straits' "Heavy Fuel"
Don't Sop Me Now …... From "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen
Life is a Lemon …... From "Life is a Lemon" by Meatloaf
On a Long and Lonesome Highway …... From song of same title
When Inlaws are Outlawed …... Play on old anti Gun Control snark
It's Been a Hard Knight's Day …... Play on "Hard Day's Night" by the Beatles
Long Distance Information …... (Song Title)
All Revved Up With no Place We Want to Go ... Play on lyric from "All Revved Up"
Ain't No Doubt About It …... From: "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights"
One Night in Sunnydale …... Play on "One Night in Bankok"
Kissy Kissy Bang Bang …... Play on "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" (movie)
Smokin' Cigarettes and Watching …... From "Countin' Flowers on the Wall"
Playing Solitaire 'til Dawn …... From "Countin' Flowers on the Wall"
Got a Red Light Love …... From "Red Light Love"
Well, I'm Not the World's Most Physical Guy …... From "Lola" by The Kinks
For I am Shielded in my Armor …... From "I am a Rock"
But My Dreams They Aren't as Empty …... From "Behind Blue Eyes"
I Wanna Love You (But I Better Not Touch) …... From "Poison" by Alice Cooper
I Wanna Hurt You (Just to Hear You Scream) …... From "Poison" by Alice Cooper
Met 'im in a Swamp Down in Dagobah …... From "Yoda" by Weird Al
Charge of the Not so Light Brigade …... Play on "Charge of the Light Brigade"
Girls Will be Boys and Girls etc …... From "Lola"
Learned a Few Things From Charlie etc …... From "Copperhead Road" by Steve Earl
Put a Candle in the Window …... From "Long as I can See the Light"
There's a Lesson to be Learned …... From "Red Rubber Ball" by Cyrkle
And I Think It's Gonna be All Right …... From "Red Rubber Ball" by Cyrkle
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Starring: (More or Less in order of Appearance)
Charisma Carpenter …... Cordelia Persephone Chase-Harris
Holly Hunter …... Still Quiet Voice
Nicholas Brendan …... Alexander "Xander" LaVelle Harris-Chase
Dennis Leary …... Still Small Voice
David Boreanez …... Angel-cakes
August Richards …... Charles Gunn
Amy Acker …... Winifred "Fred" Burkle
Anthony Hallet …... Krevlornswath "Lorne" of the Deathwok Clan
Mark Lutz …... The Groosalug aka "Groo"
Patrick St. Espirit …... Jenoff
Jason Carter …... Repo Man Demon 1 & 2
Kelly Donovan …... Alex (Subconscious Xan);
Alexander LaVelle Dresden Harris aka Wizard Xander
David Wells …... The Cheese Man
Eliza Dushku …... Faith Michelle Lehane
Anthony Head …... Rupert Giles
B. J. Porter …... Phantom Dennis
Jennifer Love Hewitt …... Melissa "Mellie" Warren
Michael Dudikoff …... Jess Corey
Subhash Ghai …... Mr. Shamar
Stephanie Romanov …... Lilah Morgan
Alexis Denisof …... Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
Rachel True …... Roxanne
Raquel Darr …... Extremely Female Pornstarlet
John Rubenstein …... Linwood Murrow
Lou Diamond Phillips …... Wolfram & Hart Investigator
Michael Halsey …... Rutherford Sirk
Fred Ward …... Anthony Harris (Xander's Dad)
Amber Benson …... Tara Maclay
Sarah Michelle Gellar …... Buffy Anne Summers
Michelle Trachtenberg …... Dawn Summers
James Marsters …... William the Bloody aka Spike
The Fresh Hearts (as themselves) …... Band at Bronze
Danny Strong …... Jonathan Levinson
Adam Busch …... Warren Mears
Tom Lenk …... Andrew Welles
Grace Park …... Girl with Jock
Jerry O'Connell …... "Frank"
Jared Padalecki …... Second Guy in Bar
Amber Lee Ettinger …... Girl in Bar #1
Amber Tamblyn …... Girl in Bar #2
Lacey Chabert …... Girl in Bar #3
Vida Guerra …... Girl in Bar #4
Alyson Hannigan …... Willow Rosenberg
Reed Diamond …... Guy in Suit
Barney Calhoun …... Security Guard #1
Darrel Calhoun …... Security Guard #2
Rory Calhoun …... Security Guard #3
James Charles Leary …... Clem
Emma Caulfield …... Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins (Anyanka)
Chief Bob Munroe …... Brian Reddy
Detective Harry Stein …... James G. MacDonald
Alexander Siddig …... Dr. Shamshir M.D.
Kristine Sutherland …... Joyce Summers
David Herman …... David Nabbit
Jesse McNally …... Eric Balfour
Powers Booth …... Uncle Rory Harris
Dana Delaney …... Jessica Harris
Ara Celli …... Ampata Gutierrez
Ben Browder …... Soldier Boy Xander
Bianca Lawson …... Kendra Young
Kelly Donovan …... Hyena Xander #1
Nathan Dushku …... Hyena Xander #2 (Lon Chaney version)
Fab Fillipo …... Scott Hope
Eion Bailey …... Kyle DuFours
Michelle McCrain …... Rhonda Kelly
Brian Goss …... Tor Hauer
Jennifer Sky …... Heidi Barrie
George Hertzberg …... ADAM
Channon Roe …... Jack O'Toole
Alastair Duncan …... Collins
Jeff Ricketts …... Weatherby
Kevin Owers …... Smythe
Chris Wiggins …... Watcher #1
David Hewlett …... Watcher #2 (Shot Watcher)
Robert Picardo …... Watcher #3
George D. Wallace …... Imposter Older Xander Demon
Nicholas Brendan …... Goofball Xander
Kelly Donovan …... Cool Xander
Hinton Battle …... Sweet
Michael Bailey Smith …... Toth
Sharon Ferguson …... Eldest Slayer/First Slayer/The Primitive
Phina Oruche …... "Cool English Black Lady"/Olivia
Lexx …... Kelly Donovan
Alesha Dixon …... Hot Communications Tech Xander
Jeri Ryan …... 36 of D
Jolene Blaylock …... T'Pol
Marina Sirtis …... Counselor Deanna Troy
Marc Blucas …... Riley Finn
Seth Green …... Daniel "Oz" Osbourne
And Ghani as Herself
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Musical Score: …... Danny Elfman, Isao Tomita, and Jean-Michel Jarre
Performed by: …... Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Animusic, and Mannheim Steamroller
Soundtrack: assembled by Chunderstorm Soundworks and X-cellent Music and Lyrics
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Opening Credits: Here Without You – 3 Doors Down
Closing Credits: Cryin' – Aerosmith
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Stunts:
X-perimentalMan F/X - ScreamWerks - Mythbreaker Effects
Stunt Coordinators: Yakko, Wakko, and Dot
Stunt Double (Xander Harris) …... Max Besh
Stunt Double (Cordelia Chase) …... Wendie Buchannon
Stunt Double (Faith Lehane) …... Missy Pantone
Stunt Double (Angel) …... Lance Valenteen
Stunt Double (Groosalug) …... Mark Henry
Stunt Double (Buffy Summers) …... Bridget Kelly
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Filmed in Xandavision
Sound by:
Blucas-Arts ZHX - Fruity-Loops - Dead Air Space
ZHX – The Audience is Deafened
CGI Effects by Pixelated Productions and Daz-botz Studios
Catering by Chumwad Fine Cuisine and Oh-what-a-Friend We Have in Cheeses
DVD release: Not Available.
Director's Cut Version: Still trapped in the Author's head, screaming to get out.
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(Insert obligatory FBI and RIA WARNING shite Here)
Stay tuned for a brief excerpt from the upcoming sequel: "And One More Thing I Hate About You!" - Book II: A Crazy Little Thing Called Love