+ Warnings: Someone gets tangoed, someone vomits and there's probably more McFahrt than necessary.

+ A/N: When I read back through this fic… I realise… I have well and truly turned the Beyblade characters into monsters.

Chronicles Of Max

Chapter 38: All Men Get Are Wrinkly Little Sausages

Wednesday 14th May

7.03 in the am

I have just been woken by a very loud scream from next door. As in, Kai and Tala's room. I'm not sure which one of them it was, but now there is a lot of shouting and "OH MY GOD" coming from their room.

"Ian, have a kick around and see if you can feel anything," Tyson said to our midget in the wall.

"Yes, but if I accidentally kick one of them in the face, what is the probability that they'll anal probe me?" Ian asked.

"Very high. Do it, anyway," Tyson replied.

Ian wiggled in the hole (oo-er) a little bit, clearly flailing his legs around on the other side of the wall. We didn't hear any cries of pain or yells of anger, so we assumed he didn't kick either Tala or Kai.

"Nope. Didn't kick a thing," Ian confirmed.

"They must be in the bathroom, then," I said.

Tyson, Ian, Mariam, Lee's testicles and I all looked at each other, silently debating whether or not to go around to Tala and Kai's room to see what was going on.

Not that Ian could go anywhere.

And Lee's testicles could only go around if Lee went around.

And as he is still asleep, that is very unlikely.

Lee's testicles look sad.

Why am I even looking at them?

A minute later

"Max, you go," Tyson said.

"No chance. I'm not going in there alone," I replied.

"You won't be alone, you'll have Ian," Tyson reasoned.

"Well, Ian's legs, anyway," Mariam butted in.

Thanks, Mariam.

Tyson grinned at me, and shoved me out of our dormitory door with his bump.

Crap.

A minute later

Shuffling my way over to Tala and Kai's door. Maybe I can just wait out here in the hallway for a little while, and then go back to Room 101 and say all is well?

They wouldn't fall for it. They're not that dumb.

Well, actually…

A minute later

I've been spared the decision of knocking on Tala and Kai's door or not by their door opening, and Tala beckoning me into their room. Not a chance, Tala. I am not setting one foot inside that room.

"Something terrible has happened!" he squealed.

"Has Kai drawn pink pyramids on his cheeks instead of blue triangles?" I asked.

"No. WORSE!"

Oh God.

30 seconds later

Tala could've warned me that I might need sunglasses to look at Kai.

Another 30 seconds later

Also, that thing where I could've bullshitted and said everything was fine in here? Yeah, even the retards next door wouldn't have fallen for that. Especially not with what I'm looking at.

10 minutes later

I'm sorry. I just cannot get over this.

"Kai… do you have any sort of explanation as to why your skin tone is resembling that of an Oompa Loompa?" I asked.

Orange Kai looked at the floor sadly.

"I tried using fake tan, because one of my fans online said I looked like I was dead."

"Did you even pay attention to what tone of fake tan you were buying?" I asked, not really sure why I was asking, because quite honestly, I don't want to know.

"No. I thought all fake tans were the same…"

…

That just says it all. It really does.

8.00 in the am

Breakfast

Kai is now refusing to come out of his and Tala's room. He says he will be laughed at. He is not wrong. Tyson and Lee were very sympathetic towards Kai. They popped into his and Tala's room when I returned, and had a good laugh at Kai. They then took a picture of Kai, and showed it to Ian, who also had a good laugh. Until he got probed with something.

Breakfast this morning looks as though it belongs in a Bushtucker Trial on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

It probably is from a Bushtucker Trial.

"Hey Tala, remind me to get Kai a green wig sometime," Tyson said.

"Then he'll make a perfect Oompa Loompa!" Lee said.

"Stop making fun out of him when he's not here," Tala replied, pouting.

"But taking the piss out of him to his face is fine? Awesome. We're going straight back up to your room, then, to have some fun," Tyson said.

"Incorrect," another voice joined in.

It sounded like McFahrt.

It smells like McFahrt.

I turned around.

It was Bryan.

"Bryan, you have no idea how much you sounded like McFahrt just then," I said to him.

And then McFahrt popped up from behind him.

How she managed to hide behind him when she is quite literally huge is beyond me.

"You know what… I'm just going to stop questioning things," I said to no one in particular. "I am sure my life will be much more peaceful and relaxing with it."

"Fat chance. Not around here," Mariam said to me.

"Anyway, as I was saying. You're all going on a school trip today," McFahrt said.

"That's not what you were saying at all," Mariam pointed out. "In fact, you were not saying much."

"It is what I would have been saying if I had not been rudely interrupted by a blonde bimbo."

HEY!

"I'm not a blonde bimbo! I'll have to know that I am now possibly smarter than Kai!" I said.

It's true, actually.

"Moving swiftly on… where are we going?" Mariam asked.

"The local antenatal group so I can finally practice my breathing and how I'm supposed to behave when I finally go into labour?" Tyson asked.

"No," McFahrt replied.

"Surely all you have to do when you go into labour is push. Surely there is no other behaviour?" Tala asked.

"I'm not pushing. This baby is not coming out of my arse."

"Imagine if it came out of your cock…"

"I'd rather not, Tala."

"Talking of cocks, why do girls get all the good stuff, like boobs and nice bums? All men get are wrinkly little sausages," Lee piped up.

We all looked at him.

"Well, it's true!"

"Anyway…" McFahrt said, choosing to ignore Lee's comment. "I hope you're all thirsty, because the school trip involves a bit of drinking."

And with that, she walked off. Probably to tell everyone else about this school trip. Actually, no. Bryan is following her. They're probably going up to her office for a quickie. Excuse me as I vomit in my mouth.

Better than vomiting in someone else's mouth, I guess.

30 minutes later

We have quite literally had to prise Kai out of his room. He's put a paper bag over his head so no one knows it's him. This would work… if he hadn't cut a hole at the other end of the bag so his hair could stick out. So now everyone knows it's him, and are now questioning why he is wearing clothing on every part of his body (even though it is practically summer and BOILING) and a bag to hide his face.

We've left Ian where he is. At some point during the night, Tala and Kai have taken superglue to him. Enough said.

5 minutes later

Outside the front of the "school"

Everyone is trying to crowd onto three buses. And I mean everyone. When McFahrt says "school trip", she means the whole school. I am not entirely sure we are all going to fit onto three buses. Tyson's going to need at least five seats to himself.

"Hey! Hey! Hey, you! Gary! Hey! Heeeyyy!" Lee called, waving his arms in the air.

Gary turned around. He had a black eye. Please, Lee. Do not ask. Please. Don't. Ask.

"Whoaaa… mate, how did you get that black eye?"

Dammit, Lee!

"Well…" Gary began, very slowly. "You see that tree over there?"

He pointed behind us. We all turned to look at the tree he was pointing at. Yup. It was a tree, complete with roots, bark, branches and even leaves.

"Yeah," Lee replied.

"I didn't."

Ouch. Maybe if he didn't walk around with his eyes closed all the time, he would actually see where he's going.

A few minutes later

Crammed onto one of the buses

I have found myself sat next to Mariam. This is good. It means I might be able to hold a normal conversation on the way to wherever we're going.

"Your breath smells like chicken and blackcurrant. Kind of like a sweet KFC," she said to me.

… maybe I won't be having a normal conversation, then.

Also, does my breath really smell like that?

A minute later

Tala and Kai are sat in the seats in front of us. It doesn't matter how many clothes Kai is wearing, I am sure I can still see orange radiating through his seat.

Tyson and Lee are sat behind us. Doing what, I don't know or want to know. They're a bit quiet. It's somewhat worrying. But I am not turning around. At all. None.

30 seconds later

Turned around so I can see what Lee and Tyson are doing

Lee is prodding Tyson's baby bump. And then the baby inside (well, obviously it's inside… it's not just going to have popped out now, is it?) is quite clearly kicking back at him.

If we could hear that baby, it's probably saying, "STOP POKING ME, BITCH."

"Stop poking me, bitch."

WHOA.

Wait, no. It was Tyson who said that. Not the baby. Crikey, I honestly thought the baby said that for a second.

A second later

"I feel sick."

"Mariam, we're not even moving yet. And I didn't know you got travel sickness," I said.

"I don't."

"Upset tummy?" I asked.

"I tell you what, my tummy is really upset. It's kicking like a trooper right now," Tyson butted in.

"Tyson, you're pregnant. There is a baby in your tummy. Somewhere. That is a bit different from Mariam's upset tummy," I replied.

Mariam just looked at me in a really angry way. What have I done now?

5 minutes later

Driving along to wherever we're going

We have had to borrow Kai's paper bag so Mariam can chuck up in it. I do wonder what she's eaten to get this ill. Then again, I'm pretty sure anything from our canteen could cause this.

Of course, Kai had cut a hole at the bottom of the bag, which meant Mariam had to scrunch the bottom of the bag and grip it really tight, otherwise she'd just be vomiting into her lap. She'd be giving her sick a sort of tunnel to travel through. I'll stop going on about this, now.

Any normal bus driver would stop the bus to let the ill off for a few minutes. But not this one. In fact, as soon as he heard the sound of retching, he sped up. We must be doing about 95 miles an hour.

Then again, the brightness of Kai's skin might've blinded the driver, and he meant to hit the brakes, but couldn't see and hit the accelerator. Because Kai is literally glowing. I wish I'd brought sunglasses with me. I'm not even sure how Mariam can see to vomit into the bag.

A minute later

"WOE BE ME. LOOK AT MY SKIN!" Kai yelled, clearly in distress, and clearly noticing that everyone was ignoring him. It's not out fault. It just hurts to look at him. Otherwise, I'm sure everyone would be looking at him.

"Kai, we can't look at your skin. It burns our eyes," I said.

"Tala, how can you stand to sit next to him?" Tyson asked from behind me.

Tala's face popped over the top of his seat. He was wearing sunglasses.

"Oh. That's how," Tyson said.

At the place that we were going to

Half an hour later

We're standing around outside a building. A building that says "Wine Tasting Sessions". I am not sure what to make of this. We're going to be drinking wine all afternoon?

"You don't actually drink the wine," Mariam said, as if she had read my mind.

"How did you know I was thinking that?" I asked.

"Because I know you."

Kai and Tala sidled up to us. Tyson was still stuck on the bus.

"Kai… I don't want to be mean, but… can you go stand in the shade. It's even worse when you're stood in sunlight," I said to Tala. I cannot look at Kai.

Kai sloped off, all sad and lonely. Aww.

It's his own fault.

5 minutes later

We're still waiting for Tyson to get off the bloody bus. Most of the other, ahem, "students" are filtering into the wine tasting building. Lee got off of the bus, and ran over to us, waving his arms.

"Yes, Lee, we can see you," I said once he reached us.

"No, no! Tyson thinks he's going into labour!" Lee said, looking all panicked and stressed. I haven't seen him look like that since he last Beyblade about twenty years ago.

That was an exaggeration, by the way.

Back on the bus

A few seconds later

Tyson was huffing and puffing in his seat. We all crammed around him (except Kai, who we told to wait outside. In the shade).

"Push, Tyson! Push!" Lee shouted.

"It's not coming out my arse!" Tyson yelled back.

"It's not coming out at all," said the doctor.

The doctor? What? When did one of them get here?

"There's a hospital right over the road," Mariam said, reading my mind again.

"Will you stop that?" I asked, pouting.

Also… that's funny. A hospital. Opposite a wine tasting club.

"What do you mean the baby isn't coming?" Tyson shouted, clearly annoyed.

"You have heartburn. It's very different. Here, have a Rennie," said the doctor, handing Tyson a red packet of chalky tablets, and walking off of the bus.

We looked at Tyson.

He looked at the box of Rennies.

We looked at each other.

He looked at us.

We looked back him.

"God, Tyson. You're such a drama queen," I said.

Wine Tasting

1.06 in the pm

We haven't even eaten lunch yet. I know for a fact we're going to be completely slizzard by the time we get back to the school. Lee's already half-cut. Mariam and Tyson seem to be the only ones doing this wine tasting properly. Actually, Mariam's even kind of reluctant to put the wine anywhere near her mouth. Weird, that.

Maybe she doesn't like wine.

I wouldn't know. I've never thought to ask her.

Does that make me a bad boyfriend?

A minute later

"Mariam, does it make me a bad boyfriend if I don't know if you like wine or not?" I asked her. I couldn't contain it any longer.

"No, it just means that you do not care for my alcohol preferences," she replied, sniffing at a glass of wine that I'm pretty sure Lee's already drank. And spat back out.

"Is that bad, though? I wouldn't taste that, by the way. I think it's come from Lee."

She put the glass down.

"No, Max. It is not bad. And for your information, I only like rosé wine."

Oh, phew. I am out of the doghouse. Not that I was ever in any doghouse. Because, you know… I'm not a dog. Woof.

1.30 in the pm

We have stopped to have lunch. Sadly, this wine tasting place does not provide food (so they're quite happy to get everyone bladdered, but they do not have food to sober everyone up), but there is a KFC across the road. Next to the hospital. I could make this up. Get heart or liver failure, and just pop next door to the hospital!

1.56 in the pm

We have successfully managed to get our food and sit down. Lee needed a bit of help getting to the table, but he is now also sat down, very quietly sucking on some chicken wings.

Looking around me, most of our fellow people are stumbling all over the place. Brilliant. I have no idea what made McFahrt think this was a great idea. Maybe she needs our advice on wines for hers and Bryan's wedding?

Ergh.

A minute later

We have had to make Kai sit under the table, though. He is still rather bright. Maybe we could take him to the hospital and say he had an allergic reaction to… err… wine. Because that would be believable.

More believable than saying we were all on a school trip. Wine tasting.

A minute later

It's all very quiet between us. It's not normally quiet. Well, quiet except for the sounds of Lee's slurping, and Kai's sobbing. Poor guy.

"So, folks. How do you like the wine tasting?"

Oh God. McFahrt's arrived at our table. With Bryan. Obviously. He looks smug. Why does he look smug? What has he done?

"It's very… winey," I said.

"I musht shay, I'm enjoying it immenshley," Lee slurred, before his face fell into his chicken wings. He lifted his face back up, and two of the wings were stuck to his eyebrows. Must. Not. Laugh.

"Well, I personally don't think it's a very good idea for a school trip. I emphasise school, because that's not what you're running. It's pretty much a home for freaks, and now you're just giving them a day out to get drunk," Mariam said.

We looked at her.

What's got her goat?

That's funny, because before she met me, she used to herd goats.

The above statement may be a lie.

But I'm pretty sure her fellow villagers used to have goats.

"Are you calling us all freaks?" Tala asked Mariam, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

She pointed at Tyson, and then under the table where Kai is.

"Good point, well made," Tala said, slurping on his Pepsi.

"It's just a bit of fun, girl!" Mcfahrt said. "Max, when we get back, make sure you untwist her knickers."

That is an order I've never had before.

A few minutes later

When McFahrt eats, all of her chins wobble, and Bryan strokes them as they're jiggling.

Suddenly, I don't feel very hungry.

Back at the wine tasting place

2.31 in the pm

I have given up trying to sniff, swill and taste this wine. I have just given up. I'm doing what the vast majority of everyone else is doing… and I'm just drinking it. Mariam has given up joining in altogether. She's just sat next to me with her arms crossed, watching as Lee and I take it in turns to drink her glasses of wine.

"You know, I've never really liked wine," I said.

"I'll drink anything if it's alcoholic," Lee replied.

"I'm more of a vodka man, myself," Tala said. "But this is good stuff."

"Hrmm," said Kai, from under the table. He is still too bright for our eyes. We can't even get used to him.

A couple of hours later

McFahrt has decided to call it a day. Which is a relief. We have just been drinking win for the past two hours. I can feel my eyes rolling in their sockets.

Heh… sockets.

On the bus

A few minutes later

It is taking everyone a while to get back onto the buses. Mainly because people are wandering in the wrong direction, trying to get into random cars, and missing the seats on the buses entirely.

The bus drivers have said that once we're all rounded up (like goats… heh), and put onto the buses, they are just going to drive like the wind. They do not care if we're sat in the seats or not.

5.06 in the pm

They really don't care if we're sat in the seats or not.

Salima is sat on our bus driver's lap.

Back at "school"

5.49 in the pm

Stumbling up the corridor towards our dormitories. I am doing particularly well. I'm not holding onto anyone. Unlike Lee, who is practically being carried by Tyson. Tala and Kai are crawling along behind us. Which is good, because if Kai was in front of us, we'd never be able to see where we're going.

A few seconds later

Also, considering I'm a bit tiddled, my speeling is excellent.

At the door of Room 101

A few minutes later

Mariam is looking for the key. We gave it to her, because it'd be safe with her.

She can't seem to find it.

Tala and Kai have slimed their way past us (I closed my eyes so I wasn't blinded) and have gone into their room. They don't even bother locking their door. Though, to be fair, no one is going to go in there. Everyone knows what they have in there.

Ian's backside, for one thing.

A few seconds later

I have just heard slurping. Not the type of slurping you make when you're drinking, but the type of slurping that comes from a couple snogging. Surely Tala and Kai can't be at it already?

A few seconds later

No. It is Spencer and Emily. Up the end of the corridor. Snogging. Against a wall. Spencer is quite literally pinning her up against the wall, as she is half his size.

I need some eye bleach.

A few minutes later

"For God's sake, Mariam! What the Hell have you done with our key?" Tyson asked, as Mariam rummaged around in her bra.

"I thought I put it in here for safekeeping," Mariam replied. "But it seems to have fallen out."

Great. So we're stuck out here.

Knocking on Tala and Kai's door

A minute later

"Hello?" Tala said, opening his door.

"It's me," I said.

"Who?" Tala asked.

"Why are you asking who? You're staring right at me!"

"Oh. Hi, Max. To what do we owe this pleasant visit from you?"

I scowled.

"Do you still have that key to our door?"

"No."

"FRIG THE FRIG OUT OF FRIGGING HELL!" Tyson yelled from behind me.

"Careful, Tyson. You don't want to go into labour. Again," Mariam told him.

"There is a way to get in there without breaking down your door, though, before you even think of that," Tala told us.

"How?" I asked.

Tala beckoned us into his and Kai's room. I am touching nothing. Everything has probably been up someone's bum at some point.

Tala pointed to Ian's backside.

"He's stuck, though," Tyson said.

"WHO'S STUCK? WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING? OH NOOOO!" we heard Ian yell from the other side of the wall, and his little legs began kicking.

A few minutes later

We have all grabbed Ian's legs. Except Kai, who has locked himself in the bathroom, probably attempting to get the fake tan off. And Lee, who has passed out in the corridor.

"Ready?" Tala said. "PUSH."

"GET OFF OF ME!" Ian shouted.

We all pushed his legs as hard as we could in our drunken states. We could hear him screaming like a baby, but we kept pushing. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

A few minutes later

Still pushing.

A few minutes later

SUCCESS. Ian has been pushed through the wall into Room 101 (taking a bit more of the wall with him). Mariam has climbed through the extremely large hole in the wall, and found one of the many spare keys we have, and unlocked the door.

A few minutes later

Tyson and I have had to drag Lee's body into the room. As we were doing do, Ian made a break for it, and has sprinted down the corridor to somewhere. We might not see him for a while. He may be scarred for life.

… shame.

8.31 in the pm

We are quite literally pooped. We have all gone to bed. Even Tala and Kai. I know this because their snoring is seriously loud now.

"You know…" I drunkenly mumbled to Mariam. "If I had a boat… I'd love you more than the boat."

Silence.

"Do you want a boat?" she asked.

"Yeah, who doesn't?" I replied.

"Me," came Tyson's voice from the darkness.

"No one was asking you," I said.

"Well, I replied anyway," he said.

A few minutes later

"OH GOD."

"What is it now, Tyson?" Mariam asked.

"THERE'S SOMETHING AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BED."

"Yeah, your feet," I said.

"NO. SOMETHING FURRY."

"Is it Kai's cat who we haven't seen in forever?" I asked.

"NO. BUT IT IS PURRING."

Mariam got out of my bed and put the light on. Tyson quite literally looked terrified, but hadn't moved.

"Why don't you get out of the bed if it's scaring you that much?" I asked.

"BUT IF I MOVE, IT MIGHT ATTACK ME."

Mariam pulled back the duvet from the end of Tyson's bed.

A few silent seconds later

It was Lee.

+ A/N: I might be back. Maybe. Sort of. Okay. Yeah. As I have nothing else to do these days. Harrr.

(Sorry it's not as broken up as much as it was before - FF has decided it no longer wants to do that.)