That abyss came again that day when school was about to end.
Matthew said that Francis had invited him to go with them to the shopping district nearby
it was Friday anyway
and his heart sank
even though Matthew had asked if he would like to come along too.
He shook his head no
"Don't want to hang around with those bastards." was his answer
and as always,
Matthew looked disappointed, but did not press
never the one to
"Okay then…."
and the inside of him was thrown into a fit of battle again
like it always did these past few days
why don't you go with him? / I don't want to
why? / I don't want to be around those bastards
I thought you said you'll 'protect' Matthew? / I thought you said I'm a liar
I forgot. You are a liar
you do care, but it was only a small part of you
so small it was hidden in the back
so small it was quickly forgotten
the reason of you wanting to 'protect' him wasn't because that French bastard was a pervert, the albino bastard was a bad influence, and the tomato bastard was far too stupid to do the protection
the reason you do that
is because you're jealous
right?
You don't want him to change
You don't want him to start hang around with them
befriends them
laugh with them
because by then he'll realize
he'll realize that you're just a jerk
egoist, possessive, evil disgusting filthy /
if you know the answer, why bother asking?
Because you're weird / so?
You don't want it to change / I fucking do
so why don't you go with him? 'Protect' him? /
because I don't want to be an outsider
I don't want to be left out
because that is exactly what'll happen
They walked together to the lockers
and at the front gate of the school, Matthew was waited
by a French bastard
an albino bastard
and the tomato bastard.
French bastard slung his arm on Matthew's shoulders like always
and he gave him a good deadly keep-your-dirty-hand-to-yourself-you-pervert-and-don't-fuck-him-or-I'm-fucking-killing-you.
Albino bastard was loud and started talking as always
and he ignored him and was ignored by him, it was for the best.
Tomato bastard was smiling at him
don't look don't smile back don't even think about that
maybe he does care
"You come with us, right, Romano?"
he does care
no he doesn't you stupid dickhead
"Fucking no."
"Why?"
"I don't want to hang around you bastards. You'll give me germs."
"Come on, it'll be fun!"
"I said no."
he does care
no he doesn't you shithead, he's just being nice
"Toni, if he doesn't want to go, then leave him be! The awesome me can't wait longer! The shopping district is calling!"
he does care
no he doesn't. He'll eventually leave you for his friends. Who are you to him anyway?
"But…"
"Let's go, mon ami. It's not very nice to force someone to go with us, you know."
I don't know
nah, don't hope don't you ever dare to hope
The two bastards started to walk away, French bastard's arm still on Matthew's shoulders
and tomato bastard Antonio looked torn
between what?
There's only one option for him, right?
You sound like a hoping schoolgirl
I am a schoolboy
"Go with us next time, okay?"
and tomato bastard smiled to him and ruffled his hair
that simple gesture threw the memory back to him
father had been smiling
big and warm hand on his head
ruffling his hair
and it was painful that he would never do that anymore now
he suddenly felt pathetic
because he should have stopped to hope
hoping for father to stop
to love him again
to smile to him again
hoping for mother to come back
to say she loved him
hoping to meet Feliciano
to see his silly smile
how much he had grown
was he still the same.
"See you on Monday, Romano!"
and tomato bastard was off with his friends.