Chapter 37 - A promise best kept

"What about this?" Rose asked handing another book over to the Doctor. He took it and skimmed through the text she'd found. He shook his head.

"It's about the preferred method for growing hearty beets." He put the book in the 'not much use'- pile.

"Beets?"

"Beets," he confirmed, turning back to the book resting in his lap. They were sitting on the floor in the TARDIS library. Books were strewn about everywhere. There were piles of them stacked higher than Rose's head at the moment. Many lay opened on the floor or waiting to be read. They'd been at it for hours.

The TARDIS library was extensive to say the least. And really the only surviving knowledge of the Time Lords. It had been Rose's idea to see if they could find anything about the bond, hidden inside those walls, forgotten among the pages. An idea she'd actually gotten from River. She was the one who had pointed out that there were stories out there that had survived Gallifrey's destruction.

At this point their greatest weakness was ignorance. They knew so little about the bond and what it meant. The Doctor talked about it as though it was a ghost story, a child's nightmare. River had talked about it as though it was a tragedy.

Either of them could be right. But a small part of Rose couldn't help but wonder, what if both of them were wrong? What if it wasn't a tragedy? Or a nightmare? What if it didn't have to end in fire and pain? At some point the bond had served a purpose. One that didn't mean mutualy assured destruction. They just needed to learn more about it. Understand it.

Even if she'd agreed that trying to undo the bond was the right thing to do she was certain that blindingly doing anything and everything to undo it would never end well. When the Doctor had first created it, it had been a rash, desperate decision. Made in the midst of pain and fear. Undoing it could not be the same thing.

Rose reached over and picked up another book. Most of the ones they were going through were in Gallifreyan and Rose still couldn't read it very well. She only knew a few symbols. Mostly numbers that she'd learned while the Doctor had taught her how to fly the TARDIS. So she skimmed through them, looking for key words.

The symbol for the bond was an intricate one of overlapping circles and lines. The Doctor had drawn her a picture of it to use for reference. It was beautiful in a strict geometrical way. But so far she hadn't found it any of the texts she'd searched through.

"How did you even know what to do?" Rose asked, as she ran her fingers over the circular shapes scribbled across the pages. "If you knew so little about it."

"Instinct," the Doctor replied distractedly while his nose was stuck in his own book. Rose paused and looked up at him.

He was sitting crosslegged. He'd discarded his suit jacket some time ago. He was in his dress shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, his tie a little askew and his hair a wonderful mess. He scratched the side of his head as he squinted at his book through his glasses.

"But you knew what would happen before you did it," Rose mused thoughtfully. He nodded. "How?"

"Well, I wasn't absolutely sure until the starfire," he explained, his eyes running rapidly over the pages as he read. "But I suspected. It was why I never... Why I thought I could never be with you." He flipped a page, pausing and looking up. "It just felt different," he said. "Just holding you or taking your hand it was like... " he trailed off, looking for the right word.

"Gravity," Rose finished for him. His eyes shifted to hers.

"Yeah," he agreed, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "Gravity." Rose smiled a little in return, turning back to the book in her lap.

"I think this might be about gardening," she said hesitantly. "Or possibly warfare. I can't tell." She held up the book and the Doctor squinted at it.

"Both," he concluded swiftly. Rose returned the book to her lap.

"Both?" she asked in surprise. "How can it be about both?"

"You'd be surprised how many similarities there are to creating the perfect flowerbed and obliterating enemy forces," the Doctor told her.

"I'm sure I would," Rose muttered, feeling rather deflated.

So far they'd found nothing of any real use. She sighed in annoyance and discarded the book. She turned on the floor, spinning and lying back. The Doctor just had time to remove the book he held as she flopped down with her head in his lap. She felt him immediately tense up. Something he had begun to do too often. Rose hated it. It was as though he feared any contact however small was enough. Which was ridiculous. They could touch without everything falling apart. "Why couldn't the TARDIS help us again?" Rose asked, looking up at him. He looked back down at her as she slowly felt him relax.

"Because we don't know what we're looking for," he explained. He put the book he was holding on the floor and removed his glasses. He leaned down over her. Rose could sense the beat of his dual hearts, beating in a rhythm with her single one. She could feel his mind unable to fight the urge to reach for hers. Sometimes when they were both relaxed enough she could feel every single thing about him. The blood pumping through his veins, the oxygen in his lungs, how time bent around him, stretched out before him or trailed behind him.

"There are no books on this," he said. "Any information we can hope to find will be in other books. Hints and references. She can only locate titles, subject matters. That sort of thing." Rose sighed.

"No books just marked, The bond - everything you need to know, then," she muttered.

"I'm afraid not," the Doctor replied, running his knuckles lightly across her forehead and down over her temple. Her skin tingled and she could feel the corresponding sensation in his fingertips. She smiled up at him. "What?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing," she said, her smile widening. The Doctor might be afraid but Rose thought that if they were going to loose this she might as well enjoy every precious moment she had left.

Rose reached out her hand to the side, her eyes not able to leave his as she did. Her hand searched across the floor until she found another book, picking it up. She pulled up her knees where she lay and placed the book against them. She opened it and finally managed to tear her gaze from the Doctor's. "You must've had the patience of saints," Rose said as she stared at more circular Gallifreyan. All intricate rings and lines.

"How so?" the Doctor asked, absentmindedly running his thumb back and forth across her cheekbone. Rose tried really hard not be the distracted by it.

"Well, it must take forever for you to write things down like this," Rose remarked. "It's like art. Beautiful but headache- inducing art."

The Doctor looked up at the book she had opened.

"There is a short hand," he said. He looked around at all the books littering the floor and snatched one up. He put it in front of the one she had. It was a leather-bound book much in the style of a journal. He opened it to the very first page. Instead of the circular shapes, there was one line written in letters a bit like hieratic script. The simpler form of the Egyptians hieroglyphics. Rose only knew to compare it because she'd done a paper on it in school when she was twelve.

"Ah," she said with delight. "That makes more sense." The Doctor glanced down at her in surprise.

"Well, you can't read it, can you?" he asked.

"No, of course not." The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief and closed the book. Rose looked up at him. "Why?" she asked with suspicion.

"Nothing." He tossed the book away. Rose sat up and spun to face him.

"Doctor...?"

He cleared his throat awkwardly. Rose watched him for a moment and then she lunged forward for the book. He immediately flew towards it to intercept her. But she snatched it away, right beneath his fingers.

Rose scrambled to her feet, sliding on some of the books on the floor as she did. She spun with the book triumphantly in her hand. The Doctor was standing, his eyes fixed on the book.

"Rose..." he said warningly. She smiled at him, her tongue sticking out between her teeth.

"What's written in this book, Doctor?" she asked playfully.

"Nothing," he insisted.

"Yeah? That right?" He made a grab for the book but Rose danced easily out of his reach."Come on," she said, scuttling back. "Not like I can read it."

"Then give it back," the Doctor suggested.

"Sure," Rose said. "Okey." She held out the book for him.

The Doctor watched her wearily, clearly not trusting that she'd give up that easily. He moved quickly. But she was quicker. She snapped the book away a second before he would have gotten it.

"But you'll have to catch me first," she declared with a wink and twirled on her heel. The Doctor knocked over a pile of books in his haste to catch her. The sound of the heavy tomes striking the floorboards echoed through the library. Rose scurried away between the bookcases, the Doctor cursing behind her as he gave chase.

"Rose!' she heard him call out as she ran, zigzagging between the rows upon rows of bookcases. She laughed. The twinkling sound of it carrying through the huge room. "Rose!" She laughed more, turning back and jogging backwards.

"You're too slow Doctor!" she called out, just as she bumped into something, stopping her with a huff.

"Is that so?" the Doctor's voice sang out from behind her. She twirled around. He was what she'd bumped into.

He made a move for the book and Rose immediately held it away from him, smiling unabashedly. "Rose..." he said warningly again. But she could tell how hard he was struggling not to smile.

"What's in it, Doctor?" she asked again, backing up a couple of steps. When he didn't answer she spun around, making another run for it.

Rose yelped as he caught her around the waist before she got anywhere. She laughed as he pulled her back against his chest, immediately stretching out her hand as far as it would go in an attempt to keep the book from him. The Doctor kept one arm around her waist and used the other to try and reach the book. Rose giggled as he failed to get it.

"Rose..." He could no longer keep from laughing so her name came out in fractions. "Rose," he tried again but failed.

"That is my name," Rose was saying. "Use it with care, yeah." He laughed softly in her ear.

"Outmost care," he agreed, nearly tipping her over in his struggle to get the book.

Rose spun towards him, managing to get both her arms past him and holding the book behind his head. She smiled cheekily at him.

"Come on, Doctor," she laughed. "It's right here." She wiggled the book behind his head where he of course couldn't see it.

"Give me the book, you troublemaker," the Doctor ordered, smiling. She shook her head, her hair falling about her face.

"Or what?" she dared.

"Or..," he said. "...I'll have to resort to truly drastic measures," he told her.

"Now I'm scared," Rose mocked, smiling.

"Oh, you should be," he assured with a nod of his head.

"Quaking in my metaphorical boots," she agreed, because she was in her socks at the moment.

"Yeah, I can feel that," he said, his arm coming around her, drawing her a little closer. His smile turned crooked. Rose realised she might actually be trembling a little. That however had absolutely nothing to do with fear. At all.

"So... these drastic measures," Rose was saying, trying do distract herself from the circles his thumb was currently drawing at the small of her back. "How drastic are we talking? Threats? Death? Mutilation?"

"I could kiss you," he interrupted her and Rose actually felt her heart pause for a second.

Ordinarily she might have laughed at such a comment. But the Doctor put just enough dark amusement into it to make it far more seductive than funny. Add to that the fact that it was probably the last thing she'd expected him to say. He'd been so careful with being close to her. Too careful. She imagined he thought that keeping a distance was better but if anything it was far worse. Somehow Rose managed to act unaffected.

"You're not that good of a kisser," she lied. His smile widened. She could act unaffected all she wanted but he could most likely feel every single tingle that ran through her body, every heated thought that rushed through her head.

"That so?" he murmured, leaning down towards her, close enough that his lips brushed by hers when he spoke, making her knees a little weak.

"It is," she confirmed, the breathlessness in her voice however giving her away further.

But if he could sense all these things in her, she could sense them in him too. No matter how cool his voice sounded, the arm he had around her waist trembled and his breath was slightly uneven. It was like ever since the Doctor had blocked off the bond it was more alert. Sparked off quicker. Which meant it was more unpredictable than ever. And also far more diffcult to resist.

With every breath the Doctor's lips touched lightly against hers. So lightly she wondered if she wasn't imagining it. She wanted him to make good on his threat. No matter how reckless or dangerous. He wanted to as well. She could feel it. But of course he didn't.

Rose felt the playful shift in his mind a second before he moved. But she was too dazed to react in time. Before she could stop him he'd somehow grabbed the book out of her hands, twisting away from her and jumping back. She blinked at him as he stood holding the book and smiling with triumph.

"Not fair," she told him.

"Love and war," he declared, smiling at her without a drop of remorse. They stared at each other for a moment, waiting to see who would make the first move. It was Rose. She lunged for the book and the Doctor spun and ran. Rose ran after him.

Both laughed as they rushed through the labyrinth of books.

"And who's slow now!" the Doctor called back to her. She laughed in response.

"You cheated!" she called after him. He disappeared at a bend. Rose turned and took another route, thinking to cut him off. She ran between the bookcases. She could hear him calling to her but couldn't quite make out what he was saying. Most of the stacks were not orderly arranged into neat rows. The whole place was a twisting, winding labyrinth which seemed to have no real logic to it at all.

Rose turned around another bend and slammed right into the Doctor.

"Ouch!" they both exclaimed in unison. Rose lost her balance and the Doctor tried to catch her. Which only resulted in them both toppling over. They hit a bookcase next to them and tumbled to the floor in a flurry of limbs. The bookcase rocked precariously. Books spilled from the shelves before the whole thing crashed to the floor with a loud bang right next to them.

Both Rose and the Doctor burst out laughing. Their laughter swiftly turned hysterical as they both rolled around on the floor. Rose simply couldn't stop. Even when her stomach was cramping up. The reason for that was most likely because of a lack of use. It felt like it had been ages since she'd laughed like this.

After surely ten minutes both of them were still clutching their stomachs, trying unsuccessfully to stop laughing.

"Rose," the Doctor breathed, giggling hysterically. "Stop."

"You, stop," she struggled to get out, still giggling and rolling around on the floor.

"It's fatigue," the Doctor was trying to say. "We should..." The rest of the sentence was lost in another laughing fit.

Rose didn't know for how long they laid there laughing like a couple idiots. But there was a reason people said laughter was the best therapy.

"Doctor?" Rose giggled.

"Mmhm," the Doctor answered, half coherently.

"What's really in that book?"

"Oh, you know, just my very secret plans to take over the universe," he said, dismissively.

"Aah," Rose nodded in understanding. "All your failed attempts at world-domination. I see."

"What?" He rose up on his forearms and fixed his dark eyes on her. "I'll have you know, Rose Tyler that I would be excellent at achieving world-domination." Rose glanced over at him with a doubtful expression. "I would!" he exclaimed. "I would be so good that... that people would write songs about how good I'd be." A brief burst of laughter Rose couldn't hold in broke from her lips. "Oi! Don't mock," he accused. Rose bit her lip.

"Sorry."

"Yeah, I'd be so good I'd... well.. I'd... I'd just be rubbish at it wouldn't I?" he concluded with a sorrowful twist of his lips. Rose nodded.

"I'm sorry, Doctor," she said, with fake sincerity. She made her way over to him. "But you'd be be bored inside of ten minutes," she told him, fighting not to smile.

"Yeaaah, I suppose you're right," he admitted with a characteristic tilt of his head. "Not really fond of lording over people."

"Said, the lord of time," Rose mocked. The Doctor turned an ear-to-ear grin at her.

"A runaway lord of time," he pointed out. She smiled back at him.

As Rose got close to him she spotted the book in question. It was lying next to his hip. Rose kept smiling at him as she discretely moved her hand towards the book.

"So," Rose began innocently. "Since you're such a renegade..." But she fell silent as the Doctor caught her hand before she reached the book. Before she had chance to react he'd rolled her over and gotten her flat on her back, leaning over her with a near vulpine smile on his lips. He leaned down, putting his mouth near her ear.

"A bit of advice," he whispered playfully. "If you're going to attempt that again try not projecting your thoughts quite so loud," he said. Oh, she'd unwittingly sent her thoughts across the bond. That happened sometimes. Infuriating to no end. "I really should start teaching you how to control that," he said and she could hear the smile in his voice.

"You've said that before," Rose pointed out. "But you never do."

"You're so good at keeping your thoughts from me when you want to that I rather enjoy the occasional slip," he said, his nose brushing against her neck. "If I could choose I'd have you in my head all the time," he murmured softly.

The Doctor continued to nuzzle her neck. Rose didn't know why he was suddenly apperantly not caring much about being careful. She wanted to be reckless and think to hell with it but she knew they couldn't. Why did things have to be so complicated? Why couldn't the universe just let them be happy?

"Careful, Doctor," Rose regretfully reminded him. At this he groaned in annoyance.

"I hate being careful," he said. "I hate it. You'll never understand how much," he told her. "Always, ever since I bloody met you... I've always had to be so damn careful when all I've ever wanted to do was just grab you and kiss you until you forgot your own name." Rose's breath got caught in her throat and she was forced to clear it.

"Forget my own name hu?" she asked him, her voice hoarse and unsteady. He chuckled.

"Yes," he agreed. "And until I forgot mine to. Though that would probably happen after all of two seconds I imagine."

"I think you might be overstating my skill, Doctor," Rose told him, unable to keep from smiling.

The Doctor straightened up so he could see her face. He let his fingers brush lightly against her lips. A shiver ran through Rose's body.

"I can't even seem to remember how to breathe when I'm kissing you," he said. "There is this thing you do," he murmured softly, his eyes trailing down, watching his fingers as he touched her. "Right between a sigh and moan. It drives me mad," he said.

The Doctor's eyes moved back up to hers. He watched her for a moment. Rose could tell he was trying to work something out.

"So do you really want to see what's in that book?" he asked after a while. Rose looked up at him, biting her lip. She did. Of course she did. She was curious by nature. But she didn't want him to feel he had to show her. If he did she wanted it to be because he chose to.

"What is it?" Rose asked.

"It's a journal," the Doctor replied.

"Your journal?" she asked and he nodded. "Do you want me to see what's inside it?" she asked. He thought about it for a moment.

"Yes," finally admitted. "I can't say I want you to know every inch of my mind one minute and then hide things form you the next."

The Doctor sat up, turning away from her and retrieving the book from the floor. Rose struggled up so she was also sitting. He handed the book over to her. She accepted it hesitantly. She didn't know why he'd been so reluctant given that she wouldn't understand what was written within its pages anyway.

"Open it," he urged.

Rose opened it carefully. She flipped past that first page with the Gallifreyan scribbles on it, expecting more of the same. But she stopped dead as an english word jumped out at her. She turned back a page.

"A journal of impossible things," she read. She looked up at the Doctor. "I can read it," she said.

"That's because it's in English," the Doctor explained. Rose turned back to the book. She turned the page and found herself smiling. There were drawings of the TARDIS. The console. The police box. Next to it was scribbled;

There is a big center peice in some kind of ship, it has wires all around it, bright light. Wires connect the light piece with the whole room, I feel safe there. It seems to be some kind of controll panel or consol.

The handwriting was rather hard to make out and the spelling was worse than her own. Rose looked up at the Doctor in confusion.

"I don't understand," she said. "You write about the TARDIS as though you don't know what she is."

"I didn't," the Doctor replied as he watched her carefully. "We were running from the Family of Blood. Their lifespan is short unless they can consume the life of another. A Time Lord to be precise. They would get all my years, free to rain destruction across the stars for a millennia. So I used the Chameleon Arch to turn myself human. To hide. No memories. A completely new man. But the Doctor kept bleeding through. In dreams mostly. So he wrote them down."

Rose turned back to the journal. Flipping through the pages she recognised the Cypermen and the Daleks. Beautiful drawings next to hasty scribbles like errant thoughts.

"You said, we..?" she trailed off, letting the question hang in the air.

"Martha," the Doctor answered. "She looked after me."

"Remind me to thank her," Rose said."I can't imagine what work you must have been as a human." The Doctor smiled, Rose turning another page. There she found the drawing of a woman she did not recognise.

She had dark hair and her dress reminded Rose of an old nurses uniform. The one who'd drawn her had thought her beautiful. You could see it in the lines. They had been drawn with care and affection. Rose ran her hand over it.

"Her name was Joan," the Doctor said. Rose swallowed hard.

"You loved her," Rose said, staring at the drawing.

"John Smith did, yes," the Doctor confirmed.

"The human you." Rose concluded, her eyes filling up with tears. She wasn't sure if they were for herself or Joan or the Doctor.

The Doctor nodded. He reached out and flipped the pages.

"But the Doctor didn't," he said, revealing a page with a drawing of Rose's face on it. It was a bit blurred and indistinct but it was definitely her. And roses. Careful drawings of roses. Rose snivelled a little as she concentrated on reading the words written across the pages.

I find myself wanting to draw a perfect Rose, over and over although I cannot find a Rose anywhere!

Roses

A perfect Rose.

It's a perfect Rose.

Rose perfect Rose

In my dreams I keep asking a girl where to find one, and she is dressed in the most extraordinarily way.

She will not answer me, and she keeps walking away.

I keep dreaming of a girl.

Girl in my dreams.

I remember this girl. I have drawn her. Although I know her well in my dream

I know her well, I know.

I know her.

She is my something or my everything.

But in my dream she keeps walking away

I see her in my dreams

She wont answer me, and she keeps walking away.

A tear fell from Rose's eye and landed on the page, blurring the ink. If she had been able to tell there was love in the lines of the drawing of Joan. These lines and these words held all the longing, pain and yearning of loss.

"Even when I'd erased everything I was you were still with me," the Doctor was saying, curling his fingers around hers. "You're always with me."

Rose looked up at him. "I don't..." she began but fell silent. Another tear ran down her face. The Doctor reached out and brushed it away. She knew he hated seeing her cry.

"I didn't mean to make you sad," he said. Rose shook her head.

"I'm not sad," she assured. "I'm not sad." And she threw herself into his arms. He hadn't expected it so the force of the impact knocked him back a bit. But he quickly regained his balance, instantly wrapping his arms around her.

"I never forgot you," he said into her hair. "Not for one second." Rose's arms tightened around him and she buried her face against his neck.

I love you, she whispered from her mind to his. Please, remember that. Whatever happens. I will always love you, Doctor.

"I'll remember."

Promise.

"I promise."

- Ok, I feel I must officially apologies to all of you who have left such wonderful reviews. I've been terribly slow in replying to you and thanking you. School has been insane. It's why the updates have been rather sporadical as well. So thanks to all of you who have stuck with this story besides all that. You are all amazing! So very amazing!

Since I can't directly thank the guest reviewers I thought I might do it here. So thank you to, Glowinggreeneyes, Star scout, whovian and those of you who just left a review as 'guest'. You are all wonderful and thank you so, so much!

If I missed anyone I'm sorry, just know that your reviews and follows mean so much to me! I can't begin to explain just how much.

Now, the parts out of the 'Journal of impossible things' are taken from the DW episode, Human nature. The handwriting was difficult to distinguish and John Smith's spelling was indeed terrible. I only took one liberty with one line, beyond that it's directly from the book we see in the episode.

I really hope you enjoyed this chapter! Leave a review if you like! And thank you again! All of you! -