Chapter 38
"Do you have everything?" Jane asked, ruffling through Lily's bag to make sure she didn't forget anything important. It had been a long week. A long week where Maura and Anna both got better from the flu and Lily's hearing loss turned out to be permanent. It was like a meteor hit them when they got the results from the last hearing test. The chances were awfully small that she would ever regain her hearing in her left ear. Her right ear regained some hearing but it wouldn't be the same as before. And Jane wondered if her Lily would ever be the same as before. She was silent. Quiet and afraid. She knew the girl was still tired and worn-out, so she hoped with all her heart that Lily would get back to her own self soon.
"Where's my shoes?"
"Over here," Maura said from behind Lily, failing to realize that Lily couldn't hear her like that. She sighed, smiled slightly and took the girl's sneakers, walking around the bed to hand them to her. "Right here, baby."
"Thanks." Lily took them and put them on, trying to tie the laces but failing the first time. She groaned softly and dropped her shoulders, her eyes suddenly shimmering with tears.
Jane sighed. She kneeled in front of her youngest daughter and tied her shoes before standing up to press her lips against Lily's forehead. Every little thing was exhausting her. "You feeling okay to walk yourself?" Jane asked softly as she helped her daughter get off the bed.
Lily nodded weakly and took her mother's hand in hers, looking over her shoulder one last time before leaving the hospital room she had been spending too much time in. The IV was now empty, the bed was made, the room clean and white. It was time to go back home where there were no IV's, no bright white walls or harsh lighting. Just their own warm, safe home.
Lily's head rested against the car window the entire ride home. Jane looked at her while Maura drove them home. The girl's dark eyes stopped sparkling. Dark circles formed underneath them and her cheeks were pale instead of rosy and healthy. Even her curls were flatter than usual. Lily caught her mother looking at her and smiled a small smile.
"We'll be home soon, baby," Jane reached back to squeeze her daughter's leg, hoping to comfort the aching girl.
"Grandma will be waiting," Maura said with a smile. "She's been excited to see you again."
Lily just hummed and Jane suspected she didn't understand half of the words Maura just said. The engine of the car made too much background noise for her to focus on her mother's voice.
Back home, Angela and Anna were waiting for them with hot tea, homemade cookies and milk for Lily. "Hi, my babies!" Angela opened her arms for Lily who slowly walked towards her and allowed her grandmother to pull her in for a squeezing hug. "How are you feeling?"
Lily just shrugged and didn't reply.
"I made cookies," Angela offered, her expression turning to concern. "With chocolate chips and blueberry. Anna helped me make them."
"Which one do you want, Lil?" Anna asked, grabbing the plate from the kitchen counter while she walked towards her sister to make sure she could see her speaking.
"Blueberry." Lily's voice was soft and laced with a sudden insecurity.
"How is she?" Angela furrowed her brow and turned towards the two women in the kitchen.
Maura sighed deeply. "Mostly tired. She's been through a lot."
"Yeah, and there's a long road ahead." Angela looked at Lily and Anna at the dinner table and smiled sadly. "Is she getting used to how things are now?"
"You mean with her hearing?"
"Yeah." Angela's expression dropped.
"She's trying to, but I can see it frustrates her."
Jane bit her lip and felt an aching feeling of concern in the pit of her stomach. She just wanted her Lily back. "She's not herself, Ma," she whispered.
"She's adapting." Angela smiled lovingly but Jane saw concern in her mother's eyes. "She'll be okay."
"God, I hope so." Jane sighed.
"She will." Angela nodded and headed back to the girls to catch up with Lily about her time in the hospital.
Two soft arms wrapped around Jane's waist and she felt a kiss pressed on her neck. She turned and wrapped her own arms around her wife, pulling her in for a tight hug. "I want her back, Maur," she whispered, her voice suddenly laced with tears.
"Me too." Maura squeezed her closer as she hid her face into the crook of Jane's neck. "I just want her to be happy again."
"Do you-… Do you think she'll ever be the same again?"
Maura sighed and lifted her head to lean sideways into the hug, looking at their daughters at the dinner table. "I'm afraid not. I think… I think she'll always be different than she was before."
Jane nodded slowly. Something changed in her little girl. She didn't know if that change could ever be turned back. Probably not.
"But that doesn't have to be a bad thing, Jane," Maura said softly, resting her head on her wife's shoulder. "We all change. Bad things change us but it often makes us stronger."
"Yeah." Jane took a deep breath and kissed the side of Maura's head. "I'm just mostly happy she's still with us."
"God, me too." Maura closed her eyes and squeezed her closer. "I can't even think about losing her."
"Me neither." Jane furrowed her brow when she saw Lily politely excusing herself and walking out of the room, her slow walk turning into running when she reached the stairs. "Lil?" She untangled herself from her wife and walked towards the table where Anna and Angela were left, seemingly surprised but Lily's sudden reaction. "What happened?"
"She just left," Angela shrugged. "Did we do something wrong?"
"She's probably just tired. Right, Ma?" Anna looked at her mother.
Jane hummed but she wasn't so sure about that. She followed her youngest daughter upstairs and saw her bedroom door closed. She slowly opened it and saw Lily sitting on the floor, her shoulders dropped and her head hanging low. "Lily, baby…"
She didn't hear her. Jane walked around her and kneeled to put her hand on her shoulder, effectively startling the little girl. Lily let out a high-pitched squeal and sudden tears sprung to her eyes.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."
Lily furrowed her brow and shook her head in frustration.
"I said I didn't mean to scare you," Jane repeated but Lily wasn't focused enough to understand her. "Hey…"
Lily shook her head again and got up from her place on the floor.
"Lils…"
"I-… I-… I c-can't… I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Lily yelled in frustration, her small hands balling up into fists.
"I know, baby. Just-…"
"STOP IT!" Lily put her hands over her ears and turned away from her mother, screaming louder and louder. "STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!"
"Lily…" Jane dropped her hands to her side, having no clue what to do to calm her daughter down. The girl was crying loudly, heartbreaking sobs wrecking her skinny body as she almost fell to the ground. Jane put her hand on Lily's back to keep her up but Lily shrugged her away. "Baby… C'mon, calm down."
"STOP IT!"
"What is going on?" Maura hurried into the room, her brow furrowed in concern.
"I can't get her to calm down…" Jane sighed and shook her head, looking at the sobbing girl in the corner of the room. Her hands were still covering her ears and she occasionally screamed out in frustration.
"God." Maura slowly approached her daughter. She didn't speak. She just walked around the crying girl and kneeled down. She took a deep breath to calm herself and smiled while she gently took Lily's hands to pull them down.
Lily allowed it, her breath hitching in her throat.
Maura's fingers started carefully untangling Lily's fists and gently massaged her hands. She didn't speak. She just looked into Lily's eyes, showing love and calmness. Lily looked back at her mother, her dark eyes filled with thick tears that streamed down her face. The sight was absolutely heartbreaking.
Lily cried loudly but she kept her gaze focused on her mother in front of her. After a minute of silence where Lily had more and more trouble breathing, Maura loosened her grip on her daughter's hands and opened her arms, smiling when Lily literally fell into them, hiding herself in the warm embrace.
"God, my baby…" Maura whispered, lifting Lily up in her arms to sit down on the edge of the bed.
The sound of Lily's sobs broke Jane's heart. She had trouble fighting her tears when she looked at her wife and daughter on the bed. Of course Maura could calm her down. She was the calmness in the house. The trick was to not speak to Lily, to not remind her of her hearing loss. Maura could show so much love with just a look, it told Lily more than all the words Jane spoke to her.
She had no idea how heartbreaking this all was for Lily. The girl that was usually so energetic, so cheerful and so fierce had lost her sparkle. Jane knew it would be back, she just didn't know when. Lily was adjusting to her new life. A life where she had to ask people to look at her while they talked. A life where she would miss out on a lot of conversations, a lot of sounds and a part of the world. She could hear. She still heard her mother's voices, she still heard music and the sound of the TV. But she didn't hear the sound of her mother's comforting whispers. She didn't hear the birds that were chirping outside her window. She didn't hear the sound of Maura's soft sniffles while she cried with her. A whole part of the world was now hidden for her. And that hurt. She had to get used to that. She just needed time.
Jane watched Lily's short arms wrapping around Maura's neck as dark curls mingled with blond ones on Maura's shoulder. Maura's soft but strong arms were tightly wrapped around the little girl and she gently rocked them back and forth. Silent tears were trickling down her freckled cheeks and Lily just kept crying and crying until all her tears were gone.
When she finally calmed down, Jane sitting next to them on the bed, Maura gently took Lily's head in her hands and looked into her eyes. She just smiled.
"I can't hear, Mommy," she whispered.
"Can you hear my voice?" Maura asked softly but clearly.
Lily nodded.
"You can hear, sweetheart." Maura brushed her daughter's dark curls back. "You can still hear my voice."
Lily nodded again and reached up her shaking hand to wipe her wet cheeks. "Yeah."
"I know there are a lot of things you can't hear anymore," Maura said, purposely talking slowly and clearly. "And that is so hard, isn't it?"
"Yeah…"
"You just have to try to focus on what you can hear… And if you can't do that sometimes, it's okay to be upset. It's okay to cry, and to scream, and to punch the pillow on your bed…"
Lily chuckled softly through her tears.
"You punched, didn't you?"
"Yeah."
"Good girl." Maura smiled and pressed her lips against Lily's forehead. She pulled back to make sure Lily was looking at her. "It's okay to be sad. We all understand."
Jane took a deep breath to calm herself and cupped Lily's cheek to make her look at her. "Hey, pretty."
"Hi."
"You know how proud I am of you?"
"Proud?" Lily furrowed her brow.
Jane nodded. "Yeah. You're being really, really strong. You're a fighter." She smiled and caressed her daughter's cheek. "My little fighter."
"I didn't do anything," Lily whispered with a shrug. "I just got sick."
"And you got better."
"Yeah, except for my ears." Lily smirked and Jane couldn't stop a chuckle from escaping her.
"You're doing so great."
Lily smiled through her tears and rested her head on Maura's chest, her expression laced with exhaustion. "I'm just so tired, Mama."
"I know, baby. Fighting makes you tired."
Lily nodded weakly against Maura. "Can I sleep in your bed tonight?"
Maura smiled and rested her chin on top of Lily's head. "Just for tonight." She smiled slightly and took a deep breath before pulling back to look at Lily. "But first it's time for a shower."
Lily groaned. "Do I have to?"
"Yes. We all smell like hospital."
"Gross, stupid hospital."
Jane chuckled at her daughter's reaction and leaned forward to kiss her forehead before standing up from the bed. "I'm gonna check on Anna."
"Give her a kiss from me." Maura smiled and stood up as well, carrying Lily in her arms as the girl wiped away her last tears.
Jane knew Anna was worried. She knew how much concern she took with her, taking it over from her mothers. She knew the sensitive young teenager was just as concerned as her mothers. When she arrived downstairs, she saw her mother and Anna on the couch, Angela whispering quiet words of comfort while Anna rested against her side, her head resting on her grandmother's chest while Angela gently rubbed her back.
"Hi." Jane smiled sadly and sat next to Anna. "You okay, peanut?"
Anna looked at her mother and managed a small smile but Jane saw the uneasiness in her daughter. "How's Lily?"
"She's gonna be okay." Jane sighed deeply. She looked up at her mother and saw Angela looking at them with worry and love. "I hope."
"She will." Angela nodded and rubbed her hand up and down Anna's back. "Just like this one here."
Jane was glad to see her daughter finding comfort with her grandmother. She knew they had less attention for Anna and their focus was on Lily most of the time. Anna needed them too. "How about we make Mom and Lily something nice for dinner?" she asked softly. "I bet Grandma will help us whip up something good."
"Of course!" Angela smiled, grateful to be able to help. "Anna? How does that sound?"
"Good." The young girl untangled herself from her grandmother and stretched her muscles. "Can we make spaghetti?"
"We sure can." Jane placed her hands on Anna's shoulders and gently took her towards the kitchen. "With meatballs."
"Of course, otherwise it's no good." Anna chuckled and opened the fridge to look for the ingredients they would need. Ever since she was a little girl, she loved to help her mothers preparing dinner.
While Angela searched the freezer for vegetables, Jane looked at her oldest daughter who was growing up so quickly. "You know, the first day we took you home we ate spaghetti."
Anna smirked. "Yeah, I remember. With meatballs too."
"You ate two plates."
"I haven't changed." Anna chuckled and put a few peppers on the kitchen counter.
"Yeah, and you still don't like Mom's salads."
"Who does?"
"I do!" Angela slapped Anna's shoulder and handed her a bag with frozen vegetables.
Anna giggled and took the bag from her grandmother. Jane saw a sparkle in her grey eyes and she knew she made the right choice by cooking dinner together. It was a way to get their minds off the recent events and just focus on each other and spaghetti.
While the three of them worked in a comfortable silence, Maura came down, carrying Lily on her hip. The girl was getting a little too tall to carry around like that, but she was currently curled up into a ball and completely exhausted. "Oh, it smells like they are making something delicious in here!"
Lily didn't hear her mother and she didn't even bother asking her to repeat it. She was too tired. Maura smiled sadly, stepped towards Jane to kiss her lips and place a kiss on top of Anna's head before taking Lily to the living room, gently laying her on the couch and turning on the television.
"She's utterly exhausted," Maura said softly while she walked back into the kitchen.
"Poor thing," Angela replied with a deep sigh. "What happened upstairs?"
"Just an emotional breakdown." Maura shrugged and brushed her hand through Anna's hair as she kissed the top of her head. "I'm glad it happened, she had been bottling things up."
"Ah, so mother so daughter." Angela smirked at Jane and squeezed her arm as she passed her to grab the pasta.
"Thanks, Ma."
Maura's arms were wrapped around Anna's chest from behind, her chin resting on top of the girl's head. She smiled while she looked at her wife. "Indeed so mother so daughter. The resemblance is uncanny sometimes."
"The same can be said for you two," Jane said, pointing at the two of them.
Anna huffed. "I'm not even Mom's biological kid."
Maura furrowed her brow and pulled back to look at her daughter. "That doesn't matter, Anna."
"I know." Anna shrugged and turned herself back to her original position against her mother's front. "I'm a little like you after all."
"A little?" Angela chuckled and ruffled Anna's blond hair. "More like a lot. You two can't get enough of those books! And don't even get me started on how smart you are, my little genius."
Anna blushed and Jane chuckled when she looked at her wife and oldest daughter. Even physically they looked alike. They both had big, sparkling eyes and blond hair and the ability to stun the people around them with how beautiful they were. And they both had no idea.
A/N Sorry for the late update and the sudden ending to this chapter. I'm crazy busy right now! Please let me know what you think! Thank you for all of your kind reviews, it means a lot to me.