Muahahahaha! Yes, yes, yessss! I have my writing groove back! This is awesome. I lost it for a while, but now I have it back! But, of course, I still run into walls on how to write certain things... Reviews help me a lot, though. Thank you guys so much for that. Heehee, well... enjoy.
Chapter 38
"First thing's first, Pamela." Voltar starts, marching in front of me in successive ovals. "You must learn the perfect starch to water to syrup ratio for the base of every slime you'll ever use on any victim you have in mind."
"Syrup?" I ask, eyes wide. Sure, it would be quite satisfying to see the perfectly-polished-everywhere-all-the-time Victoria get slimed, but as a fellow woman with equally as difficult hair to manage with equally as generous of lengths... I don't think I could bring myself to slime her with something that contained syrup.
"Duh. You don't expect the relentless League of Super Evil to go easy on anyone, do you?" Voltar, hyper from his Evil 101 lesson, seems to stare right through me with his intensely glowing eyes.I nod in passive agreement. He grins and continues on, throwing something at my face. "Good. Here's a file containing all of the various slimes you'll need to know."
I clumsily catch the file, flip through it and observe how surprisingly neat and informative it is. "Wow..."
Voltar hops up onto the coffee table in front of me, raising his stature considerably. "'Wow' is right, Pamela! You've got the Goopy, the Erie, the Ghostly, the Ghastly, the Up-Chuck-y and the Doomy. For special events, there's the Maple Muck, Red Cinnamon Zinger, Figgie Jiggly, Ghoulish Grey and last, but not least, the Turkey Tranquilizer!"
"T-tranquilizer?" My eyes are probably wider than Frogg's when he accidently turns his tools on himself.
"The turkey is so disgusting it renders your victims to a stunned stupor." Voltar informs me, nearly foaming at the mouth from all of his excitement. "It's awesome! Also, you'll notice that each slime has its own special colour. This is so we don't get mixed up if we make these ahead of time."
"You...make these ahead of time?" I ask, surprised that what I thought were simple pranks were far more complexly planned plots...
"Only the ones that can retain their sliminess over long periods of time. I have big vats of the ones that need aging in the storage area in the lair."
"Gross..." I was close to regurgitating. The thought of giant vats of aging slime in the home that I once stayed in left me feeling absolutely squeamish. I wouldn't doubt the liklihood of him planning on using those very vats on me.
Voltar chortles, darkly. "Revolting, isn't it?"
More than he'd ever know... The worl of evil truly is a messy place to be in.
Voltar hops down off of the coffee table and resumes his marching, waving his hand around. "You can add your own recipes if you come up with any good ones. Usually I run anything I come up with by Doktor Frogg before officially putting it in the file, but for this particular scheme... we'll just make a temporary exception. Just make sure you put a sticky-note on it, labelling it 'To Be Approved'."
"Right..." Despite appearances, Voltar is a lot smarter than I've ever given him credit for... Compared to Doktor Frogg's genius, his plots do look childish and insignificant, but relative to any average Joe, Voltar's quite crafty.
"Okay, next thing to be covered is disguise changes. The ability to transform yourself in seconds from yourself to, say, an 'innocent bystander' can make the liklihood of your capture go from a high eighty-nine percent to a low thirteen percent." Voltar quickly turns away from me and fixes something on his face. When he turns around I can see that he fastened a fake moustache to his mouthpiece. "See? You can't even tell it's me."
The urge to shake my head incredulously is strong, but somehow I keep it together... But honestly, if he thinks that a fake moustache is enough to fool anyon-
"Hey, Pamela." Red greets, brightly. He looks down at Voltar and hops up to attention. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we had more company over! I didn't even offer you a refreshment! Would you like anything particular, sir?"
Voltar twirls his moustache, places a monocle that he dug up from his pocket onto an eye and puts on a completely phoney bologna British accent. "A cup of Earl Grey will do just fine. Two lumps of sugar and a big splash of cream."
"Yes, sir. Right away, sir." Red zips off and leaves me to gawk at Voltar.
"See?" He asks, his chest puffed out a lot more than usual.
"B-but, how did that work? All you did was throw on a few cheap props! You look completely similar!"
"Oh, sweet, little naive Pamela. The secret to a fool-proof disguise is confidence. If you're confident that your disguise is fool-proof, it'll be fool-proof. Simple as that." Voltar peels off his moustache and shoves the monocle back in his pocket.
"What if you're not dealing with a fool?" I ask, thinking that Doktor Frogg would never fall for such a cheap trick.
"Well, that's a little more tricky-"
"Sorry for the wait-" Red screeches to a halt, bringing up dust clouds from his feet... This floor really needs a good vacuuming... "Voltar? Where'd that nice, dignified, British gentleman go?"
"He had to go on very important business," Voltar says, grabbing the tea that Red was holding. He takes a loud sip and lets out a loud noise of satisfaction. "Aaaahhhh. Oh, he said I could have his tea."
"Oh." Red blinks.
"Now, Red, can't you see that Pamela and I are in the middle of something? Go and make sure Frogg doesn't come out of his room, will ya?"
"Oh, uh," Red smiles, "sure thing, Voltar."
Voltar waits until Red leaves to continue.
"Hey, Voltar?"
"Huh?" He asks, sounding disinterested already.
"We could do this at my house if that would be more convenient..." I really didn't want the boys to overhear anything...
"Nah. To get a good sense of what evil is, we must surround ourselves with an evil environment, and no offence, newbie, but your house is dripping with a suffocatingly intense goody-two-shoes aura.
"Oh..." Guess I'm here for the next while...
"Let's do some practice runs with the disguises. I find that with girls it's good to start with a hair change and glasses. After you master that we can work our way up to the more complex disguises." Voltar looks me up and down before hopping back up on the coffee table. "For your particular features, I'd say that a pony-tail and cat-eye glasses would alter your look a lot."
"Um..." Oh dear...
"Now slouch." Voltar instructs.
"Voltar, I'm not so sure-"
"Do it!" He finally schreeches, impatient from all of my resistance to this...exercise...
"I really don't think that shoving a retainer in my mouth, putting glasses on me, and switching my hair colour will do a whole lot. I'm still wearing my own clothes..."
"That's why you'll wear this!" Voltar says excitedly, pulling up a hand knit sweater with little cats on it. It was completely too big for me, but his determined expression had me put it on without a fuss.
"Tada! Where's Pamela now? Nowhere I can see." Voltar, on a roll, apparently, chuckles himself into a full out muahaha session.
"Voltar..." The retainer adds a terrible lisp, but I'm still convinced that anyone will be able to tell that I'm me. "We've been at this for hours... I don't see the point-"
"Doktor Frogg!" Voltar calls out in a sing song voice.
"Voltar, no! If he sees me, he'll know what we're up to!" I grimace at the sight of my own spit flying everywhere as I whine.
"Pipe down," he whispers. "Remember to slouch! You're here to recruit members for your knitting club, 'kay?"
Just before Doktor Frogg walks in, Voltar shoves a tote with flyers, a few balls of yarn and a picture of a cat in a sweater on my shoulder. I tuck the bag under my arm, slouch in defeat and blush as soon as I see Doktor Frogg's disinterested look.
"What do you want, Voltar?" Doktor Frogg asks, his eyes half lidded.
"Sandy, here, wanted to recruit some nerds for her knitting club. I assumed it would be something you'd be interested in." Voltar smirks at Frogg then at me.
"Wh- just because people knit, it doesn't make them nerds!" I say, thinking of an old friend who's hobby was to make afghans for everyone. My lisp and... spit flying onto Voltar's helmet told another story...
"Uh... sorry, lady." Doktor Frogg says with pity, looking at Voltar's head. "Knitting isn't my thing."
"O-oh," I stutter, bending down to wipe Voltar's head. In the process, all of the flyers and balls of yarn fall out of the bag. I stumble to pick them up in a hurry. "Sorry..."
"See, Frogg? She's just your type." Voltar grins, wiping off my spit and flinging it to the floor with a quick snap of his wrist.
"Uhh... Why don't I get Red...? He'd be into this type of thing..." Frogg turns a heel and starts walking.
"No!" I nearly shout. If Red did want to join, I'd be toast. I don't actually want to start a club. "No, th-that's okay. I think I have enough members... I'll be on my way now..."
"Don't trip over your feet, knitty gritty Sandy!" Voltar shouts after me.
I turn to glare at him, but of course, in the process, I do trip a little and somehow manage to look even more awkward.
"How could you think that's 'my type'?" Frogg whispers.
"Oh, you'd be surprised." Voltar whispers back, a knowing tone in his amused little voice.
I open the door and make my way back home as quickly as possible. On the way I do feel like another person... It's weird. When I spot my house and walk twice as fast.
"Fian..." I say miserably, opening the door. When I spot his bowl, I see him circling around like he's seen a fish-eating ghost. "Fian...? You okay, little guy?"
When I spot myself in my full lenght mirror I see what all the fuss is about. I don't even look like myself. My hair is in a brown, curly mess, my sweater adds on quite a bit of pounds and my slouch takes away any confidence to be seen in my previous self. Even the red, thickly rimmed glasses do something to change my look. I quickly stand up straight, tear the retainer and wig off and lose the sweater. It drops off of me and crumples to the ground in a thump. The glasses come off last, making me look less like a librarian and more like myself.
"Sorry..." I say to Fian, who's now staring at me with bubbles escaping his stunned face. "I'm pretty pooped after that Evil 101 lesson Voltar had me sit through all day... Let's just have a snack and then we'll go to bed."
Fian, obviously disapointed, blows out some bubbles and drops his fins to sway lazily in the water.
"Okay, okay," I say, cracking a smile. "we'll have a snack and a movie. It is Saturday after all."
Fian blows out bubbles and spins around in his bowl.
"One spin for Hunchback of Notre Dame, two spins for Finding Nemo." I say, already knowing his pick.
He spins twice and looks at me expectantly.
"Finding Nemo it is," I chuckle, grabbing his fish flakes. As soon as they drop in the water, he gobbles them up hungrily.
"Oh, Pamela," Voltar says kindly into the phone. His tone switches in an instant. "Get your lazy butt out of bed! Evil wasn't developed in a day, you know! You're late for your lesson!"
"But-"
Voltar hangs up on me, cutting me off before I can tell him I already have plans for today... Sunday I go to church... But I suppose I could quickly watch an online sermon... Voltar was taking time out of his day just for me, apparently.
"Guess I'm not going today..." I mutter, wiping sleep out of my eyes. I sling my cover sheets off of me, pad over to get my laptop and search up one of my favuorite pastors. I click on his latest sermon and press play. I decide to listen to him while I take my shower and get ready for the day. I turn up the volume, set the laptop on my bathroom counter and hop in the shower. Hopefully this day won't be as tedious as yesterday...
"Voltar, what's all the screaming about?" Doktor Frogg asks, grogilly reaching for the remote to turn off the program he fell asleep to. "Isn't six AM on a Sunday early, even for... euh, church goers?"
"Nonsense, Frogg," Voltar lies easily. "I always get up this early. You've just never noticed because you've always slept in far past me."
"Whatever," Frogg dismisses, cracking his back before making his way to his room to sleep some more. "Keep it down, will you?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Voltar waves off. "I've got some evil to tend to."
"Uh huh..." Frogg says passively.
"Here in record time!" I say to myself, proud of my hustle. I bring a hand up to the door and knock three times.
"You're late." A voice says from behind. I turn around just in time to see a blast of red sludge headed right for my face. I jump out of the way and drop my purse and Voltar's disguise supplies in the process.
"Voltar!" I screech, dusting my shoes off. "What was that for- ahh!" Another blast sends me running for the door.
"A villain must be light on his or her feet." Voltar tells me before blasting at me again. "They must also be a master marksman." To my dismay, he actually nails me right in the face as he says that.
"What the- crushed tomatoes? Really?" Futiley, I wipe the stuff off of my face. Some of it still drips into my eyes.
"We were out of ketchup." He tells me, putting down his tomato gun.
"Ow, ow, ow." I whimper, flapping my hands at my face. It does nothing but I literally don't know how to react. Who knows how to react when they've been blasted with tomatos? "Oh, that burns."
"This is what today's lesson is all about." Voltar says, walking up to me with a hankerchief in hand. He tosses it at my face. "With the correct set of skills, you can face your enemy and claim your victory without a spec on your shoe."
"I'm not so sure I'd ever face anyone head on, Voltar." I say, honestly, wiping my face off. The hankerchief smells awful... I stiffly walk towards the League's hose. It hangs in messy loops on a half-broken hose...holder thing.
"Don't be too sure, Pamela. There are times when your target may confront you with a dangerous weapon in hand." Voltar walks up and watches as I turn the hosepipe. Nothing comes out of the nozzle... I peer into the open end to see if anything is blocking the water. "You have to expect anything to happen-"
Before I can turn the hose away from my face, water comes gushing out, spraying in my face and up my nose with no mercy. "Aghghghgh!" I sputter and gargle out a scream before falling to the ground.
"-and be prepared for it to happen." Voltar finishes, smirking with the hose in his hands. I see a crease where he had apparently squeezed the hose together...
I cough a few times, surprised that I didn't even see that coming. "Ah- well played, Voltar."
"Mhmm." He hums, dropping the hose. "There's a uniform in the lair. You can dry off and change into that."
"Um-"
"It's purple." He waves off, walking over to his little tomato gun.
"Oh..." I open the door and look for the said uniform. It's on the couch and comes with a matching grey headband. The thing even has their signature skull... I feel strangely honoured...
I remember Voltar's childish impatience and hurry to the bathroom. My half wet and half muddy dress comes off, and the purple uniform comes on. Funnily enough, it matches quite nicely. The pinkish purple fabric doesn't clash with my hair at all... I don't always wear pants, but the jumpsuit with belt and buttons actually look kind of nice on me... The skull belt... Their logo on the left arm... I look like another member. "Oh, Voltar..."
Fuzzy in the head now, I cautiously make my way to the front lawn. I open the door carefully, wanting nothing more than to come out of today's lesson without another tomato on me. What I see shocks me.
"Welcome to Shooting and Dodging," Voltar presents, opening his arms wide, gesturing to the obstacle course behind him. He comes up to me and gives me a pink water gun.
"Oh, dear..."
"You look a little worse for wear." Victoria giggles, handing me a stack of papers.
"Right," I shrug off, thinking back to her and Doktor Frogg doing God-knows-what... I so dearly want to releive her of her duties, but I unfortunately need her assistance. She's been a great help...
"Have you been hanging out with Doktor Frogg?" Victoria asks, blushing. "They're quite a riot, those boys..."
"Yes, they are..." I say slowly. "Which reminds me... What were you and my boyfriend doing?"
"Oh." She flushes an even darker shade. "That..."
I stare at her, willing my eyes to become laser beams. It doesn't work.
"Well, it's actually a funny story-"
"Miss Hinderlack." Mrs. Taylor calls, harshly. "Come into my office, immediately."
Victoria looks relieved at the interruption. I grudgingly go to the room which I heard Mrs. Taylor call me from.
"Yes, Mrs. Taylor?" I say, smoothing out my skirt.
"Miss Hinderlack..."
I gulp, waiting for the worst news.
To my surprise, Mrs. Taylor cracks a smile. "Your comic has never been so popular."
My eyes widen.
"I was thinking you could do a cameo on our local heroes in a side story." She tells me, walking back and forth, looking strangely excited.
"Wh-"
"It would be a really great promotional move for your series." Mrs. Taylor walks up to me and pats my shoulder. "Get on it."
"But-"
"This is going to be great, Miss. Hinderlack. I have a lot of faith in you!" She strides out of the room and clicks with her heels down the hall, leaving me stunned beyond belief.
I have to... do a special on our local heroes? Wh-which one? Will the league read my comic? Will they be upset if I don't make them the lead villains? And, of course, they'll have to lose... It's not good for ratings if the bad guys win... Especially if I'm featuring local heroes...
Only one thought runs through my mind...
Shitake mushrooms...
Disclaimer: Nerd Corps' characters and world belongs to them.