Chapter XXXVIII – Moments Between

The moment I was ushered into my new quarters, I had an immediate rush of unwanted nostalgia.

"Is there not any other apartment available?" I asked absently as I stared at the bed before me.

The servant's quarters master scoffed. "This is the single best apartment in the division. I'm not sure why the king requested you to be put here, but be grateful."

I nodded once, and then the man left me there alone.

The room wasn't large, by any account; in fact, it was tiny compared to the accommodations inside the palace. However, as far as servants quarters went, it was at least twice the size as all the others, and it was clean and dry, with a good strong lock on the door. I couldn't help but grimace.

"I don't want to be in this room," I grumbled to myself, but I did take full advantage of the lock, and made sure I was completely secure in my new home.

I reluctantly sat on the familiar bed, and was bombarded with all the memories of that specific location. I had only ever been in that particular room once before, but it had completely altered my life forever. It was a room for no ordinary servant, it was the room of the bastard son of the former king, and it was the room my son had been conceived in.

I wanted to be moved to the servant's quarters as a way to get away from Edward, not be forced to live in the constant reminder of the very moment my life was forever altered by him. I was forced to be a concubine not long after that night I spent in there, and my life had been a complete whirlwind ever since.

I must have sat there reminiscing for hours. It was like a complete playback within my mind, of every moment I had experienced with the dashing stable boy who stole me, body and soul. I had been instantly enamored by him, and even as I sat there, suffering in the painful aftermath of our tumultuous love, I still felt tingles in my stomach just picturing that beautiful man all covered in dirt and sweat. He was absolute perfection, and I knew I was doomed to yearn for him for the rest of my life. The anger I felt for the current version of him was inconsequential, compared to the love I had for the simple stable boy he once was, and I missed him terribly.

"I wish you were still here," I whispered as I clinched the bed blanket below my palms.

Suddenly there was a forceful knock on the door, which made me jump, so I quickly dried my face with the back of my hand, and then took a deep calming breath, before getting up to open the door.

"Um… new clothes," the seamstress outside said, while holding a servant's gown towards me. She was clearly taken aback by the way I was currently dressed. The gown I had on was not embellished by royal standards, but far more fancy than anything anyone wore around there. I had left my palace rooms with nothing except the dress I had on, which was my choice; I wasn't the queen, so I wanted nothing to do with that style of clothing, therefore I was grateful to be brought something to change into. Besides, I fully intended to blend in with the servants, and just bide my time until my son finally returned to me; I certainly couldn't blend in if I was wearing my usual attire.

After I redressed, I sat on the bed and just continued to stare off into nothingness. Hours passed that way, until my stomach begged for some sustenance, so I grudgingly complied.

It was dinner time for the servants, and I reluctantly joined them. Back when I was a palace maid, I used to dread mealtime since the food there was always scarce and despicable. More than just the horrid flavors, I hated feeling like I was consuming precious nourishment that could have been portioned out to those more in need. However, unlike under Aro's rule, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the current servant's rationings were fresh and hot, and there was plenty for everyone, which I suppose was an undertaking that had been important to Edward so he made sure it was done.

As I sat at one of the common tables with my food, I looked around and only saw unfamiliar faces. I knew Aro had most of the staff changed after Cullen forces attacked the walls and took Edward to the farm against his will, but being in that area, and not seeing a single person I recognized, was almost disorienting. Where had they all gone? Did Aro really execute every last servant who used to reside there? It was a devastating thought.

"Hello. You must be new around here. I'm Alice," a sweet little dark haired girl introduced herself to me.

"Izzie," I introduced myself with a nod. I didn't preplan to give a different variation of my name, but I figured it was probably for the best. As the king's pseudo wife, I never encountered most of the servants at that level, so I was sure they wouldn't recognize me, however they may have known my name, and I didn't want any issues, or for anyone to act strange around me.

"Are you a seamstress, or a kitchen maid?" she asked casually.

I shook my head no. "Just a maidservant on the first floor of the north wing," I recited my old title.

"Oh, that's a really nice position. You may be able to work your way up to royal chambermaid from there. I hear they're treated really well, and hardly have to do anything. Everyone wants to be a chambermaid."

"Hmm," I mumbled dismissively. I had been a chambermaid already as well, and truth be told, I preferred being a maidservant.

When we finished our meals, Alice took it upon herself to be my personal welcoming committee and tour guide. Everything had changed so much since the last time I lived down there, so I was grateful for her friendliness. And the most significant change I could see immediately, was how happy everyone was. They all knew each other, and they all smiled and waved hello in passing. Edward had told me how the villages were in chaos outside the palace gates, but you'd never know it from where we were. The servants and their families seemed to be thriving, which brought a small level of peace to my heart.

"You should put in a request to become a seamstress like me," Alice said as we neared the end our my tour.

"But didn't you say being a maidservant was a good position?" I questioned.

"I was just trying to be courteous," she admitted. "But who wants to clean floors all day? Besides, I think it would be fun for us to work together, don't you? I'm only sewing bed linens and curtains at the moment, but I hope to work up to dresses for the queen someday."

I forced a smile at her. "Wouldn't that be nice." But then a devious thought occurred to me. "You know what? Perhaps I will put in a request to become a seamstress," I told her.

"Really? That would amazing! We will be life long friends, I'm sure."

I smiled again as a response, however I was smiling for an entirely different reason. It seemed my life had come full circle, and I was once again, back to being a servant with the intent of working my way up the ranks in order to gain access to the monarchy. With Victoria making Volterra her permanent home, it was only a matter of time until I was able to gain access to her, and then I wouldn't hesitate to end her life. It would be simple. A little fabric laced with poison. I could dress her myself and she wouldn't even recognize me. Victoria was the type to never even look servants in the face. It would be too easy.

Suddenly, for the first time in months, I was legitimately excited about something. I would have my revenge, and Edward would be too ignorant to stop me.

Alice led me to her supervisor, and I managed to talk my way into her favor, and I was all set to begin work the following day. Having a purpose and a drive again, after so long of nothingness, was like a breath of fresh air, and I was internally reveling in it.

With the path I was currently on, my life could only go one of two ways – either my son was found and I'd leave the palace with him and never look back, or I'd stealthily work my way into a position to kill Victoria. Either way, I would no longer be idle, for which I was grateful.

I went back to my apartment with a new determined motivation, and stayed awake half the night - not lost in what once was with my beautiful stable boy, but completely fixated on what I was going to do. I could imagine every single detail of it, and it was hard to keep the smile off my face. Perhaps I was even going a little mad, but that was okay with me. I had lost too much to be able to stay entirely sane and still manage to function. I welcomed the altered state of mind like a new friend.

As excited and eager that I was to move up the servant's ranks so I could achieve my goal, I knew it wouldn't happen overnight, so I had to find a way to focus on the work currently before me, and just bide my time. I would not get disheartened by slow progression. Without my son, I had all the time in the world.

My work days were tedious, and my fingers were raw and blistered from the constant needle work that I was unaccustomed to, but I welcomed the pain, and the exhaustion, because it kept me from sinking into that black hole of nothingness that my heart was still lost in.

I had only been working as a seamstress for a little over a week, when I was pleasantly surprised to receive a promotion.

"You're one of the hardest workers I've ever had at this level, and a position just became available. I can think of no one better for the job," my supervisor explained.

"Thank you so much," I told her, far more emotionally than I intended.

She definitely looked a little taken back by my tears. "Well, you deserve it."

I nodded with a smile, and I may have even hugged her, but we both would prefer not to remember it. I was just far too excited to contain myself.

With my new rank, I would be working with Alice on the bed linens and curtains, and it would only be four more levels before I was fitting the monarchy. My plan couldn't possibly be going any better, but then I had a visitor that would threaten everything…

The light knock startled me at first, and I sat still on my bed hoping whoever it was would just leave, but the knocking repeated, and the softness of the sound made me guess it was probably Alice. She had visited me at that hour earlier in the week, just to share some of her sweets she received, so I wouldn't be surprised if she'd visit again. She was quickly becoming a very good friend, however when I opened the door, I immediately wished I hadn't.

"You're not Alice," I mumbled at the man standing before me. His clothes were slightly tattered, and the strong stench of manure flooded the room. It was a smell I hadn't come across in a long time, but I welcomed it with fondness, and it only brought pleasant memories with it.

"I don't know who Alice is," he replied quietly. "I just… I knew you were okay, I just needed to see you."

"Why?" I asked him, slightly bitter. I wanted to remain angry and hateful towards him, but it was difficult to maintain those emotions when confusion about his attire consumed me.

"Can I come in?" he requested.

"You're the king. You can do whatever you want," I replied evenly. Just to throw one more dagger at him, I then curtsied. "Your majesty."

"Come on, don't… don't do that," he said with a heavy sigh. "Bella, may I please come in so I can talk to you?" he asked while looking around behind him to make sure no one was paying attention. I looked behind him as well, and was surprised to see him completely alone.

"Where are your guards?" I asked confused.

"Bella, please?" he requested again, while gesturing into my apartment.

I stared him down for a moment, and then I reluctantly nodded, and moved aside for him to enter.

"So, are you going to tell me why the king of Volterra is dressed like a common stable hand?" I asked him evenly, the moment he shut the door.

"I don't know, are you going to tell me why the queen is dressed like a seamstress?" he replied without missing a beat.

"We both know I've never been the queen," I murmured.

"You are to me," he disagreed.

I wanted to argue with him, and yell in his face how he never even treated me as such, but it wasn't important at the moment. "Why are you here?" I questioned, just hoping he'd get to the point so he could hurry on his way and leave me in peace.

"I came to tell you…" He abruptly grabbed my hand and looked at my blistered fingers. "Wait… Bella, are you actually working as a seamstress?"

I huffed, and then ripped my hand away from him. "What did you want me to do down here? Sit and stare at the walls all day every day? I'd certainly go mad. I need to keep busy."

"Bella, you are my wife. You should not be working as a servant," he argued heatedly.

I laughed once humorlessly. "It wasn't all that long ago you were working as a servant too. It was good enough for you back then."

"I'm not a servant anymore," he rebutted.

"Well, I'm not your wife anymore!" I snapped back. "I suppose I never even was."

He opened his mouth to argue with me, but I stopped him. "I don't want to quarrel with you right now. Can you just tell me why you're here?"

He stared at me for a moment, as if he was trying to decide if he was willing to give up on the argument, and then he let out a hard breath. "I'm leaving," he said unexpectedly. "As soon as dawn breaks. I'm not sure how long I'll be gone for. I just wanted to see you before I go… make sure you're okay."

My chest immediately tightened. "Where are you going?"

He shrugged. "A tour. I'll be visiting all the major cities and villages of the kingdom, hoping to talk to people, and gain some much needed support."

"Edward, with the unrest, it's too dangerous out there for you right now," I told him, trying to contain my panic. "Why aren't you sending a diplomat to those areas?"

"I have. The people won't listen to them. The rioting is becoming increasingly more violent. The entire kingdom is imploding. I need to try to calm their fears, and the only way I can do that is to speak to them myself. I'm hoping to garner volunteers to join my armies as well. If I can get enough men, we won't need Ireland anymore. Perhaps when they're finally gone, you'll come back home…"

I shook my head no. "You said I could leave with Anthony."

He smiled sorrowfully. "I know. It's still nice to hope… keeps me going sometimes," he said quietly.

"Edward… it's too dangerous for you to leave," I reiterated. "There has to be another way to get through to the people."

"They're scared and angry," he disagreed. "Their king is a bastard son of a servant, who murdered his father. I'd be worried too."

"Aro was a tyrant. The entire kingdom suffered under him. They should be thankful and rejoice that you brought him to justice."

"I think they view it as a power hungry overthrow. I could be worse than Aro for all they know. I need to ease their minds. I need people willing to follow me, or we will never get out from under Ireland's thumb. With our northern neighbors on the brink of declaring war, we need all the help we can get right now."

"Edward… it's too dangerous," I repeated.

He nodded. "It's a risk… but it's a risk I have to take. I do have another reason for wanting to go - A reason infinitely more important than recruiting an army and gaining the respect of the people combined. "

"What could be more important than that right now?" I asked curiously.

"I'm hoping to find Anthony," he said, making my heart jump. "If he's out there somewhere, I'm going to find him, and make sure he gets back to you. I'm bringing Jacob Black with me. You still trust him, right?"

I nodded.

"He's going to discretely ask around in the villages. See if anyone has any information. If they're in the kingdom somewhere, someone had to have seen them by now. When we discover their location, Jacob js going to ride back here as fast as possible, and escort you back to them."

"And then what?" I questioned softly. "What will you do without an heir?"

"I'm still hoping Carlisle's democracy will work eventually."

"What about your deal with Victoria? Will they continue to allow you to use their army if you don't have Anthony to marry her imaginary daughter?"

"Anthony is lost. To her knowledge, we will continue to look for him. It will appease her for a while, at least. Then, hopefully, like I said before, we will have our own army and won't need her anymore. The deal will be off. They'll take their army and go back to where they came from, and we can get to work on building a democracy."

"Edward, what if you don't make it back?" I asked shakily. "Its too dangerous out there," I said one more time, hoping he'd back down and find a way he could accomplish his goal without actually leaving the safety of the palace gates.

"Listen to me, Seth is going to stay here with you. Right now this is still the safest place for you, but if I die out there, you need to get out as quickly as possible. I don't know what will happen here without a king, but I know it won't be good. It may be complete anarchy, or it's possible Ireland may take over. Either way, because of your association with me, you must get out. Seth will make sure of it, and keep you safe."

"But…"

"Bella, please, just promise me you won't hesitate. The moment word arrives of my death, you need to find Seth, and you need to leave immediately."

"I understand, but…"

"Promise me," he insisted.

My heart was racing, and my chest felt so tight I could hardly breathe. It didn't matter that we were currently separated by anger and irreconcilable differences, my love for him was irrevocable, and the very idea of him falling somewhere out there was absolutely gut-wrenching. Without Anthony to go on for, I'd rather give up and let death find me right along with him, but he needed the peace of mind knowing I'd be as safe as possible given the circumstance, so how could I not give him that?

"I promise," I whispered.

He nodded once to confirm his appreciation, and then took a deep breath. "I don't plan on dying out there, but… I know how hostile it is right now," he mumbled. He then began slowly pacing the room, while he looked around, seemingly lost in thought.

I kept my sight on him as he wandered about the room, and I couldn't help but achingly wonder if that would be the last time my eyes would ever behold him. Thinking about the very real possibility of never seeing him again, I was devoured by a surrealistic daze once more. That man had been my entire life from the moment I first saw him. He was my heart, my joy, and the source of my greatest pain. My soul was intertwined with his, and regardless of my promise to him, I honestly didn't know how I'd survive losing him forever in that way.

As his pacing drew him closer to me, I found myself reaching out to caress his arm. Would that be the very last time I ever touched him? – the thought was unbearable.

He looked down at my hand on him, and then looked up at me questionably.

"Where did you get these clothes?" I asked him, trying to conceal the real reason I had touched him.

He sighed. "It was Carlisle's idea for me to dress this way for the beginning of our trip. He thought it may be safer if I was less conspicuous… at least until we get further away from the palace. He's actually going to be riding ahead of me in my carriage as a decoy. If there's an attack, he may be one of the first to fall," he explained gravely. "Bella, I swear I'm not trying to get your uncle killed. He insisted."

I nodded in understanding. I probably should have commented further on his words, but my focus was locked on his arm, where my hand was still resting.

"Its actually really nice to see my favorite stable boy again," I murmured.

"Yeah, it's really weird, isn't it? Especially being in this room again. I spent so many years living here. I forgot how small it is."

"Compared to your quarters in the palace it is small, but most servant rooms are half this size."

"Really?" he asked surprised.

"You didn't know this was the biggest servant's room on the grounds?" I asked skeptically.

"No. I've never been in anyone else's room before."

"Well, even as a servant, you were the son of the king. Makes sense you would have the biggest room. I assumed the size of it was why you insisted this room be given to me."

"No, I just knew it was vacant, and was the only room that was properly secured. I remember the day I moved out of my grandfather's quarters, after he passed, and I was brought in here. The smiths worked all day on that lock, and grumbled about how unusual it was for the king to make such a request for a servant's room… I just wanted to make sure you were safe down here. I want you in the safety of the actual palace, but if this is where you are intent on being, I needed to make sure you were as secure as possible."

I nodded with understanding once more.

"We conceived Anthony in this room," I murmured.

"Yeah," he agreed quietly. "I remember thinking that was the best moment of my life… and the absolute worst at the same time. It was the most incredible feeling I had ever experienced, but I knew the ramifications were going to be severe for you. I honestly wish I would have figured out a way to save you from Aro, without condemning you to this life the way that I did. I will forever be sorry for that."

I moved my hand from his arm, and placed it gently on his face. "I'm not sorry," I told him, and I realized in that moment that no sincerer words had ever been spoken. "Its been one crises after another, and the heartache has been intense, but… between all of that, we've had some of the most beautiful moments. Moments that I wouldn't trade for the world. I'm grateful for each and every one of those moments, and I'm grateful for Anthony. Even if we never find him again, the precious time we had him for made all the bad times worth it."

Staring in Edward's eyes, I could see them begin to swell, so he quickly pulled away from me, and sent a stabbing pain straight through my heart when he reached for the door.

"I love you, Bella. I know I've made it hard for you to believe, but it couldn't be more true," he told me intensely. "I want you to know, I pray for you every day. I pray you find some peace and happiness. That's all I want for you, and I'm going to do whatever possible to find Anthony so you can leave here with him, and finally achieve that. I'm so sorry all this has happened. I really am."

Tears spilled over my own cheeks as I watched him unlock the door, but I couldn't do it – I couldn't let him go without holding him one more time.

"Edward!" I said as I rushed to him, and threw my arms over his shoulders and hung on as if my life depended on it. "I love you, so much," I cried into his neck.

He held me back tightly, and then we were both crying. The intensity of our emotions was extreme, and soon that embrace erupted into so much more.

Our issues were definitely not mended. I was still angry with all of his recent decisions and actions, but none of that mattered right then. The possibility of never seeing him again – never holding him – was beyond any pain I had ever experienced. I needed him in that moment, and he needed me.

We made love until our strength failed us, and then we slept wrapped in each other's arms so closely that there was no space between us… I only wished I woke up that way the next morning. With the sun shining brightly through the tiny window, I knew he was long gone. He had said he was leaving at dawn, so by that hour he was already far off the palace grounds, and into the vast unknown.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, as the onslaught of pain hit me full force. For the first time, since I first arrived at the palace years prior, I was truly alone…