Beyond the Outer Gates Lies...a Guest Appearance?
I bounced back from what Uriel told me by the time my alarm sounded Tuesday morning. I guess finding out he had a way to communicate with other universes wasn't as surprising as everything else I had been subjected to since I arrived in Bizzaro World. It made a sort of sense. I could see God wanting his servants to have a way to keep in touch. Especially if you took Outsiders into account. They would make any other forms of communications difficult to impossible. And I could also see an Outsider confidently boasting or stupidly admitting which universe they were planning to target next. He would have wanted that universe to rally a defense, but He could not just out and tell them. Hells bells, that could have even happened just before the war started in my world.
Now I just had to figure out how I could use this. Even if he was right about not delivering a message, maybe there was some way I could get my impulse buy at the Con over there. Or trick or coerce him into getting me status updates on my family.
As I walked into the classroom, Ise's eyes locked on me, and before I could sit, he was hovering next to my desk.
"Is there something I can do for you?" I asked blandly.
"Hey, Dresden," he sounded a little desperate, "Do you have any plans Thursday night?"
"Well…"
"Not right after school," he grinned just a little, "I know you spend time with the girls of the Student Council on the days you aren't getting your scars treated. I mean later, like after dinner."
"Nothing specific," I confirmed, cautiously, "Why? What's up?"
He let out a sigh of relief, "Buch… Rias got a new old movie…"
"New old?" I interrupted.
"It's an old movie that just got released on Blu-ray," he explained, "Some sappy, sad, romance drama thing. The guy who played Superman falls in love with an old woman and goes back in time to meet her when she was younger."
He rolled his eyes.
"Somewhere in Time, 1980," Lash supplied, "An underrated classic."
I vaguely remembered Elaine making me watch it before we lost the ability to go to the theater without sitting in the front row. I agreed with Ise's assessment.
"The entire Gremory and Sitri groups are coming over Thursday to watch it," the breast maniac continued, "And I'd just as soon not be there."
"Please, feel free to come over," I told him sincerely.
I noticed Asia was looking at us, and she looked disappointed. Too bad.
"Thanks," he seemed to relax a bit more. Then he thought of something, "Oh, and I have a DVD for us to watch anyway."
Remembering the spell I had learned about at Azazel's place a week and change before, as well as some of his past suggestions, I frowned at him.
"I'm not really into that," I told him, leaning away, "Maybe you should talk to Motohama and Matsuda instead."
"No, nothing like that," he shook his head, but he was grinning despite it.
"Really," I said dubiously, "then what is it?"
"It's a secret," he said sheepishly, "But you really should see it before next week."
I glared at him, and he smiled with nervous sincerity.
"Okay," I relented, "But if you are lying, I'm going to confiscate this unnamed DVD…"
He smirked slightly and nodded.
"… and give it to Asia and Koneko," I concluded.
He turned white.
Ise did not some much walk into my house as he skipped in. He had a broad satisfied grin, and a spring in his step. He was carrying his school bag as well, so I wondered if he also had homework he needed help with.
"Someone looks like the cat who caught the canary," I commented as I closed the door behind him. My curtains were already closed tightly. I still wasn't entirely convinced he wasn't going to show me some sort of adult video, possibly home made with Akeno's voyeur spell.
"Yeah, I took Koneko out yesterday," he said happily.
"And you had a good night?" I prompted.
"Yeah," he nodded, "But I'm just really happy she is back to normal."
"Back to normal?" I copied him. He gave me a friendly glare, letting me know I wouldn't get away with that again.
"Yeah, you were gone last weekend," he remembered. Then he turned a bit red as he explained, "Last Friday Koneko kind of… Went into heat."
"Went into heat?" I wasn't joking with him. I was just too shocked to say anything else. He must have realized that, because he just nodded.
"Yeah, she got really… direct… and aggressive," he said shyly, "She begged to have my baby."
I guess he could be a little proper when it came to his girlfriends.
"Ri… Buchou called Abe-senpai…"
"Abe-senpai?" I interrupted, "The third year from the tennis club who was chasing the Perverted Duo last week?"
"Yup," he confirmed, "She also a beast tamer, so she knows some stuff about Nekomata. Even though Koneko-chan is a special breed, Abe-senpai was able to tell she had gone into heat. It was because my mom was asking about grandkids, after she found out Rias and the others confessed to me, and we started dating. Because of that, and because she was afraid of falling behind the others, Koneko's body went out of control."
"So I guess I don't need or want to ask what happened on your date," I groused.
"It wasn't anything like that," he shook his head, "You see, because of everything she went through in the past, Koneko's body is physically less mature than it should be. On the inside she's even younger than she looks on the outside. So if she were to get pregnant, there is like a ninety percent chance that both she and the baby would die. And because of she is a Nekoshou, if we did it, there is like a hundred and twenty percent chance that she would get pregnant."
"Okay," I said dubious.
"I know, it sounds impossible, but…" he agreed, "So all day Saturday, she kept coming after me naked, even with the medicine Abe-senpai gave her. I had to resist, but it was really hard…"
"I'm sure it was," I said in my best Groucho Marx voice. He grinned.
"Anyway, on Sunday Kuroka showed up," he said, "I'm not sure if someone contacted her, or if she knew some other way."
"Kuroka, her older sister?" I asked for clarification. He bobbed his head.
He had told me how they had met Koneko's older sister, a Stray, in the Underworld. She had tried to kidnap slash liberate the young catgirl from Rias's supposed clutches. Of course, Ise's main concern in the story was the size of Kuroka's breasts, her skimpy kimono that showed off said breasts, the fact she had also asked him to impregnate her, and that he got to touch Rias's breasts in order to save them.
Rias had given me a more useful account. That Kuroka was a Bishop who had murdered her King and fled. That she was a master of Senjutsu, which apparently involved manipulating life force, a.k.a. chakra, instead of mana or demonic power. It wasn't quite as versatile, but was a lot harder to guard against. Kuroka had a talent called Youijutsu, which let her create semi real illusions. They were secret arts, so Rias had not been entirely clear on the details. Koneko had the same skills, but she was suppressing them out of fear of ending up like her sister. It seemed the tiny Rook disliked her sister, but had been willing to go with her to protect Rias and Ise. But they had convinced her to stay, and Ise drove off Kuroka using Balance Break. Which he unlocked via the afore mentioned fondling.
"You let a Stray Devil into your house?" I said dubiously.
"She's not that kind of Stray," he protested weakly, "She was basically a High Class Devil before she killed Cheong Caim. So she isn't in danger of losing control of her power and consuming her own Soul. Besides that, it turns out she's not as bad as we thought…"
"How so?" I prompted, curious.
"Caim was an asshole who performed illegal and amoral experiments on his Peerage," he answered, angrily, "Supposedly to make them stronger. But it turns out for most of them it was little more than torture, and a few even died. When Kuroka found out he was planning to do the same thing to Koneko, she killed him first."
I let out a sharp breath. Killing to protect your family wasn't exactly new to me. I suddenly was a lot less worried about the fact a 'Stray' had been here while I was out of town.
"But then why is she a Stray?" I asked, "Serafall and Sona both told me that the Maou take in Peers that are abused by their Kings."
"Kuroka ran, rather than asking the Maou for protection," he smiled bitterly, "And the Caim family hid the truth. A family of the 72 Pillars versus a reborn murderer on the run?"
"Yeah, I get it," I agreed darkly.
"But that's okay," he perked up a bit, "After she told us her side of the story, Sirzechs-sama launched an investigation. They interviewed some of the other survivors, and searched Caim's lab. I guess his family didn't bother to get rid of his research."
"They were probably hoping to use it again," I noted, "So that means Kuroka will be acquitted?"
"It's not official yet," he nodded, "But it sounds like it. Unfortunately, that doesn't change too much. She is a part of Vali's group and a member of the Chaos Brigade. So she has other crimes to answer for."
"Anyway," Ise seemed to realize how far we drifted off topic, "Kuroka was able to use her Senjutsu to fix Koneko up. And she offered to teach Koneko Senjutsu, so it doesn't happen again. I took Koneko out on a date last night to make sure she was back to normal, and everything was okay. So that's really good."
"I guess that means you'll have to hold off from going too far with her," I noted, relieved. She may have been fifteen, but she looked more like twelve. Well, at least to me. I suppose I was comparing her to the American girls I had grown up with, plus the Devil girls I was spending time with now. Most of them were well beyond your average Japanese teenager in terms of… development, so to speak.
"Not just with her," he said, unable to hide a hint of bitterness.
"Oh?"
"In order to be fair to Koneko," Ise offered, "we all agreed not to have sex until it is safe for Koneko to. If she can master Senjutsu quickly, it should only be about six to nine months. Otherwise, it could be even longer."
"That's… good?" I responded uncertainly. Then I grinned and said, "Though I can't imagine Akeno was very happy about that. Or Xenovia."
"Akeno was the one who suggested it," he told me, "She can be almost as protective of us as Bu… Rias can, you know? And we didn't even talk to Xenovia."
"Really?"
"Well, yeah," he seemed surprised at my surprise, "I mean, I'm not dating her."
"Well, Kuoh's student handbook aside, you don't actually have to be dating to have sex," I was amazed I had to remind him of that.
"I know," he said, and then put on a slightly pained smile, "But when Rias, Akeno, Koneko, and Asia confessed to me, I decided I wasn't going to cheat on them. Ever. It may be small, but I have my harem. And we all love each other. Now if I were to fall in love with someone else…"
His wince made me pretty sure he already had.
"… and she loved me, and the other girls accepted her, and she agreed to join our… group I guess? That would be a different matter. But Xenovia, or Irina, who just want to have sex with me so they can have a Heavenly Dragon's baby? I'm not to hurt or betray my girls for that."
"That is very mature of you," I said, amazed, "In a perverted, deviant sort of way."
'Does he really not see it?' I prompted Lash silently.
"While I cannot gainsay him with respect to the Knight," she said, "It does appear he is still oblivious to the Ace's affections. Feelings I am guessing he shares."
I glanced down at his chest, and wondered what I would See there, if I opened my Third Eye. I'd guess that the gaping hole would be smaller and less ragged, but not gone.
'Even love isn't a magical cure all,' I decided, 'Even having the trust and affection of four attractive, incredible girls isn't going to heal trauma like that overnight.'
"Do not go overestimating the Pawn," she countered, "Even if he were fully restored, I think he would be entirely capable of overlooking something like that. I imagine that any romantic breakthroughs he may have in the future will be when the girl confesses to him, or he shouts out something stupid in a traumatic moment."
'What do you think this is, a manga?' I shot back, though my inner voice was not particularly convincing, even to my own mental ears.
"Of course not," she chuckled, "If it were, you, as the secondary character to Issei, would never have your own harem."
I pointedly ignored her. There was nothing I could say that she couldn't twist to make it worse.
"So, what's this DVD you think it is so important for me to watch?" I directed my attention back to Ise again.
"Oh, right," he brightened again, and opened the front pouch of his backpack. He slipped out a disc that said 'Review Copy' on the outside of the case. He inclined his head towards my game system, and I nodded. He replaced the game Serafall had won for me, while I turned on the TV and switched the inputs.
"THERE IS AN OPPAI-LOVING DRAGON!" blasted out of my speakers. I hit pause and turned the sound down by almost half.
"So you thought it was important that I see the next episode of your TV series?" I demanded with a raised eyebrow, "Or are you just boasting?"
"Well, I thought you would like to have a chance to see the episode before it officially comes out," he said with a sly grin.
"I see Sona and Rias have been talking," I muttered, then told him directly, "I haven't seen any episodes of Oppai Dragon since Az dragged me over to your place to watch the first episode. I can't exactly to afford to get American or Underworld channels."
"What about online?" he said curiously.
"Why pay the subscription fees for two shows?" I shrugged, "Serafall already gave me the first two seasons of Miracle Levia-tan, and I'm sure I can wrangle a copy of Oppai Dragon out of the studio when it comes out."
"Oh…" he looked a little worried, "Well, do you mind if we watch it anyway?"
I looked at him suspiciously.
"What did they change the ending theme, so the studio is cutting my royalties?" I demanded.
"No," he laughed weakly, "Nothing like that."
I stared at him for a few more seconds.
"Okay," I relented. And then asked, "Is there anything I need to know before I see this?"
"Well at the end of the last episode, Oppai Dragon powered up and was still struggling against Stone Monk," he seemed relieved, "But while they were fighting Duplicitous Duke's minions, Orc and Kobold, were able to kidnap Switch Princess. And Oppai Dragon found out she was gone just as the episode ended."
"Well, let's get this over with," I grumbled slightly.
Oppai Dragon burst into a bar that looked like a saloon out of an old western. He looked around wildly. The Devils mostly looked as Human as him, but some had their wings displayed. And others had minor embellishments; horns, fangs, pointed ears, or forehead ridges that marked them as reincarnated members of other mythical species, or as Strays. And none of them looked happy to see him.
"Has anyone seen Switch Princess?" Dragon asked loudly, not quite able to keep a hint of desperation out of his voice, "Anyone? Someone must have seen something?"
They all turned away from him. He hurried over to the bar, glaring at the barkeep until the short, stout Devil acknowledged him.
"Why won't anyone talk to me?" Ise's expy demanded in a whisper, "They can't all work for Duplicitous Duke."
"Most don't," the server said even more softly, "Most hate him. None of them are stupid enough to go against him. All it takes is one minion in here, and they are…"
"I know what happened to your princess," an off-screen voice said.
The voice was familiar, but I couldn't place it at first. I realized it sounded like the actor who played Spike in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I had just recently finished watching. Maybe not exactly the same, but people's voices change over time and actors change their tones for different parts. Though I didn't think he spoke Japanese.
Inside my head, Lash had burst out into uproarious laughter. I didn't know why she thought a Hollywood actor appearing in Oppai Dragon was so funny. It was a little amusing, but not gut busting. So I ignored her.
Issei Gremory turned to look at the potential informant. The man was sitting on the bar stool, a cheeseburger next to his uncovered right hand, and a large mug of soda currently held in his gloved left hand. He was wearing a black leather duster and a fedora with an absurdly wide brim. A staff covered in bogus runes was leaning against the bar next to him. As he turned to look at Oppai Dragon, there was a large scar on his left cheek. He had dark eyes and a face that no-one would call pretty, but most people at least wouldn't say was ugly.
I hit pause hard, and glared at Ise. Lash was wheezing, she was cackling so hard.
'Shut up,' I growled at her.
"What the Hell is this?" I demanded angrily, pointing at my expy on the screen
"Well that's a new character," he said evasively, "He alternately goes by Wandering Wizard and Mercenary Magician…"
"That is me," I cut him off.
"Yeah," he agreed weakly, "The character is based on you. It was the Leviathan's idea, but both Azazel-sensei and Sirzechs agreed."
"Serafall wanted me to appear on your show?"
"Well, Wandering Wizard will be on both shows," Ise explained, "And they are considering using him for a crossover episode. But the new season of Miracle Levia-tan doesn't start until December, so he showed up on Oppai Dragon first."
"And all of you thought that this would be okay with me?"
"I didn't think so," he offered, "That's why I wanted to make sure you saw it before it went on the air. But Azazel-sensei gave me three things to tell you, if you objected."
"Oh?" my eyes narrowed dangerously, "And what is that?"
"First," Ise said carefully, "He told me to remind you that parody is protected in both the US and the Underworld."
"But we are in Japan," I grumbled, but with less heat.
"Second," he continued with a little more confidence, "Is that you are still under contract with the studio, and even though it was for the opening and ending themes, there is an appearance clause in the contract."
"Excuse me a second while I consult my legal team," I told him, and then turned my focus inward to the still giggling former Fallen Angel.
'Is that correct?' I asked her.
"It is a rather… snrk… loose interpretation," she managed to get out, "But given the first point, and who controls the Underworld courts, I doubt you would have much of chance if you attempted to make a lawsuit out of it."
"Okay," I said to both of them defeatedly. Then I focused on my friend, "And what is the third line of BS they wanted you to feed me?"
"That in any episode where the Wandering Wizard appears," he answered, "Your royalty points will be quadrupled."
"Quadrupled?" I gaped.
"Yeah," he nodded. The he added, "And I think it's a good thing, too. There aren't many Human characters in Underworld TV shows. So I think it would be good for Devil kids to see a tough but fair Human character."
"Fine," I shrugged, "I'll withhold judgement until I see the rest of the episode.
"That's fair," he sounded relieved, "And I think you will like it."
I sighed, and hit play.
"What do you know?" Oppai Dragon demanded of the new character.
"I know Duplicitous Duke's hench-monsters took your Princess," the not yet named Wandering Wizard said blandly, "And I know where his hidden mansion is."
"Really?" Dragon exclaimed hopefully. They had been trying to find their foe's home base for weeks. With little success.
"Where is it?" the younger looking man prompted even more firmly, "Where is she?"
"Hold on a minute, kiddo," my duplicate told him, "You can't get something for nothing in this world."
"Oh," Oppai Dragon's face dropped. Then he looked up again, "What do you want?"
"Well," the Wizard took a bite of his sandwich, "This burger isn't going to pay for itself."
"Huh?" Ise's expy's jaw dropped in surprise, "Is that all?"
The Human raised an eyebrow at the Devil. Oppai Dragon quickly dug out three underworld coins, and slapped them down on the bar.
"The Duke's manor is eleven point eight kilometers north of here," Wandering Wizard said, "At the base of the Skybreak waterfall. But to see it, you need a special talisman."
The gloved hand rested on the bar for a minute and then returned to the cola. When it moved away, left behind was a large garnet wrapped in silver wires. Oppai Dragon grabbed it quickly. Then he looked at the Human again suspiciously.
"Why are you doing this?" Dragon asked, "Aren't you afraid?"
"Not really," the Wizard shrugged, "As to why… I did a job for the Duke not too long ago. But when I delivered the item, he made me wait just so he could avoid paying the early delivery bonus. Then he denied me hazard pay because I wasn't missing any limbs. So I'm not feeling particularly loyal to him.
Then his eyes flashed, "But even more than that, when I saw those two Strays dragging her in, I wanted to do something. Unfortunately my options were limited at the time. Call it chivalry, call it chauvinism, but I don't think any girl deserves that, even if she is a Devil."
Oppai Dragon's eyes widened.
"You're a Human," the protagonist hissed quietly.
"As God made me," the guest star responded without even flinching.
"What are you doing in the Underworld?"
"Let's just say I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque," the Wizard answered sarcastically. Then more seriously added, "Do you really have time to worry about that?"
The Dragon's jaw dropped, and then he charged out of the bar. After he was gone, the Wizard also stood up and moved towards the door.
"Do I really sound like that?" I asked as the screen faded out for a theoretical commercial break.
"Not exactly," Ise said uncertainly.
"Yes," Lash said, starting to laugh again.
I didn't pay quite are much attention as the show returned with a montage of Ise's character running across a field, by a river, and then another field. I wasn't sure if it accurately reflected an area in the Underworld, or was just meant to look good. He reached a mountain with a waterfall pouring into the river he was following. He lifted the gem he had received, but before anything else happened, his enemy stepped out from behind a veil. They exchanged some banter and threats, including Duplicitous Duke threatening to marry Switch Princess, while she cried over Oppai Dragon's corpse. The hero attacked him, however the villain smirked triumphantly as the Dragon Shot sent him flying.
"We shouldn't be doing this," the pig faced demon said fearfully. The dog faced Stray just rolled his eyes at his partner.
"Think about how powerful Oppai Dragon gets by squeezing them," Kobold said lecherously, "If we can get even a fraction of that power…"
"But Dukie said not to touch her," Orc protested, "Or to go in her cage. He wants her for himself, and she could be dangerous."
Rias's character glared at them thoughtfully.
"The cell suppresses her magic," Kobold was almost drooling, "And what the Duke doesn't know won't hurt us. And look at that body…"
Switch Princess swallowed her revulsion, and narrated her thoughts, 'If that is what it takes to get them to open the cell.'
She reached for the neckline of her dress, and then closed her eyes to steady herself. The screen went black for a moment as she did that.
"Fuigi," an unseen but now familiar voice said. There was a rushing sound.
When she opened her eyes, Kobold and Orc were white, like cartoon characters that were frightened to within an inch of their lives.
Then a breeze wafted down the hall, and the ashes that had been the Stray Devils were blown away. Switch Princess rushed to the bars in surprise. She tried to grab the key in the pile of dust that had been Kobold, but it was out of reach. Then she looked down the hall, and saw a now familiar tall figure in a black leather overcoat.
"Fuigi," I demanded incredulously.
"It's a parody, right," he said sheepishly, "And we didn't want the kids accidentally casting the real spell and setting their parents' house on fire."
The actual word was less important than the intent. But I decided explaining would be more trouble than it was worth, on multiple fronts.
"Who are you?" Rias asked cautiously.
"Just a Wandering Wizard, passing through."
"How did you get here?" she sounded confused.
"I've been here before," he said noncommittally, "I just happened to end up here again."
"Then why did you kill them," she was suspicious now, "If you work for the Duke…"
"I don't work for the Duke," he said sharply, "He hired me to do a job, and then stiffed me and ran me out. Besides, that's not how you treat a lady."
"Then would you let me out?"
He walked over, and picked up the key. And then regarded her with narrowed eyes.
"I could," he said neutrally, "But what's in it for me?"
"Revenge?" she prompted, "Isn't that why you killed them?"
"I already told you why I killed them," he countered, "And like a wise Spaniard said, revenge doesn't exactly pay the bills."
"You want money?" she smiled slightly, "Aren't you quite the Mercenary Magician?"
"I've been called worse," the Human did not seem upset by the nickname.
"Well then," she seemed to calm at that, "I can pay you whatever you want, if you can just get me out of here."
"Okay," the Human raised an eyebrow, "I'm listening."
"How much do you want?" she asked.
"Make me an offer," he countered. She looked at him in askance.
"You are trapped, and I can demand whatever I want," he reminded her, "So tell me what you think this rescue is worth. And we can go from there. But you might want to hurry, I saw your Dragon fighting the Duke on the way in. And he could be in trouble…"
Another Dragon Shot hit the Duke, but this time the villainous Devil was not even staggered.
"See, the mission I did for the Duke was retrieving one of the prototypes of the Aegis of Aphrodite," the Wizard continued.
"Wait, the amulet that protected her from harm during the Trojan War?" her eyes widened in worry, "Made be Hephaestus?"
"Not the original or an amulet," he qualified, "Like I said, a prototype. Unlike the original, it takes a few hits to adapt to an attack. But he could let a few weak hits get through, as he builds up his immunity."
"No," she exhaled, worried. Then she looked up at the Human, "Fine, how about twenty thousand Underworld gold?"
"Twenty thousand?" he said, "It sounds good to me, but are you good for it?"
"The Gremory family can more than afford it," she sounded insulted.
"Right," he agreed, "but what if you run off the help Oppai Dragon, and don't make it back? Or just decide not to pay up?"
She frowned. And then nodded and took a bejeweled bracelet off her wrist.
"This a Gremory family heirloom, entrusted to me by my mother," she held it out, "It is worth far more than I have promised you. If I do not survive, or attempt to cheat you, you can keep it and do with it what you will."
"Sure," he snarked, "Until you or your parents report that I stole it, and sic the entire Underworld on me. I wouldn't even be able to sell it then."
"We wouldn't do that," she protested.
"We are discussing the possibility of you stiffing me," he reminded her, "Is it really that much more of a stretch, that you would try to get me arrested? Claim I blackmailed you into this?"
He paused, and seemed to think of something, "In that case, I suppose I could just pry out the gems and melt down the platinum."
"And were I to do as you are suggesting, I could hardly protest that," she said sadly. Then her face hardened, and she spun the jewelry around her finger.
"Do we have a deal?" she asked.
He picked up the key, and unlocked the cell. She placed the bracelet in his hand.
"Let's get you out of here."
Oppai Dragon's punch launched Duplicitous Duke towards the waterfall, then fired another blast of mystical energy at the villain. The evil Devil's wings unfurled, and he stopped in midair. He dusted himself off with the look of smug amusement.
"Why didn't it work?" the young man demanded.
"Why indeed?" the Duke smirked, too smart to gloat. Then he fired a bolt of purple energy, sending the Dragon sprawling.
"I won't let you win," Issei gasped, pulling himself up, "I will save Switch Princess."
"Oppai Dragon!" her voice called out.
"I can hear her voice, encouraging me," Dragon proclaimed, straightening.
"No, you just hear her, you idiot," the Duke growled, as the young woman ran over to her paramour.
"How did you get out?" the Duke demanded.
"Kobold made a mistake," she shot back, continuing forward, "enabling me to escape."
"I will kill him," the villain hissed.
"No need," she taunted, "He and Orc are already ash."
She reached Oppai Dragon, and hefted her breasts towards him.
"Switch Princess," he called out like normal, "With this I can win."
He reached out and poked her nipples through her tunic. Power flowed from her into him, and his stock transformation started. His gauntlet flowed over his body in high quality CGI, the helmet wrapping his head last.
"Dragon Kick!" the boy proclaimed, jumping foot first at the Duke. But the villain caught his ankle, and threw him casually to the side.
"How?" Issei grunted as he landed.
"I have absorbed enough of your Dragon energy," the Duke proclaimed, "Even in your upgraded form, your attacks can no longer hurt me."
"He has a magic talisman," Switch Princess called out.
"How do you know that?" the Duke paused, taking half a step back.
"Loose lips," she answered.
"Where is it?" Oppai Dragon studied his opponent.
"I…" Switch Princess turned white, "I don't know. He didn't say what is was."
"Well then, I guess that means your little window is smaller than you expected," the Duke mocked. He darted forward, and caught Oppai Dragon by the neck, and threw him at Switch Princess. Issei's right arm snagged the ground, dragging himself to a halt before he hit Rias. He looked towards her, only to see her eyes widening in fear. They both looked at the Duke, who was holding a massive ball of energy in front of him.
"Goodbye, Oppai Dragon."
"End Freezer," a fourth voice said from off screen. A burst of ice hit the Duke's waist, freezing his belt. The leather shattered, and the buckle tumbled to the ground. The Duke panicked, letting his attack dissipate as he grabbed for the falling bauble. It hit the ground, and skittered away on the layer of ice. The Duke looked back, and glared at the Mercenary Magician.
"You!" the villain growled.
"Me," the Wizard smirked, "Maybe next time you will think twice about cheating a wizard."
"What are you doing here?" Dragon demanded, confused.
"I was hired to rescue the Princess," the Human answered as if it should have been natural, "But once she was out, she ran right into danger. If I want to get paid, I figured I better make sure she didn't get caught. Again."
"Oh, the Aegis was his belt buckle," he added a moment later, "If you hadn't figured it out. He should be vulnerable to your attacks again. I'll be by to pick up my reward in a day or two, Rias Gremory. Be sure you are ready."
"Of course," she huffed, "I don't go back on my word. Especially to Mercenary Magicians."
The hatted Human nodded, and then vanished into the waterfall's mist.
"No, damn it!" the Duke whined. And he noticed the Oppai Dragon was standing again.
"Dragon Kick!"
The hero flew forward, and his energy wrapped foot led the way again. The villain tried to catch it, but this time his hand crumpled. The heavy red boot continued, crushing his torso.
"Damn it," the dying Devil groaned, "Master Fang, save me."
His request went unheard, and his body disintegrated.
"Well?" Ise asked me cautiously.
"I don't wear a hat," I complained, "They are heavy, and block your view. Other than that… I guess it wasn't too bad."
"I don't know if they can change the hat," he said apologetically, "And the director said if the character is going to show up as a private eye later, the hat was necessary. Something about the hat being part of the image of a hard-boiled detective."
"Fine," I sighed in defeat.
"So you are okay with this?" he prompted again.
"It doesn't sound like I have a choice," I said, "And at least I am getting paid for this."
"Quite the Mercenary Magician," he said teasingly.
"Truth in television," Lash agreed.
"Whatever," I brushed the comments aside, "Anyway, the girls should be done with the movie by now, so you can head back."
"Yeah," he collected the disc, "Thanks for the sanctuary, Dresden."
"Anytime Ise," I held out a fist for him to bump, "More or less."
We rapped knuckles, and walked to the entryway. He slid on his shoes and opened the door. A smudge shot past us.
"Huh," he grunted, "I didn't know you have a cat."
"I…" my protest was cut off as I turned to see what he was looking at.
Sitting on the wooden floor, looking at me expectantly, was a familiar mountain of grey fur.
"See you in class tomorrow," Ise said, before he closed the door behind him.
"Lash," I muttered in shock, as she appeared beside me, "Is that…"
"It would seem to be," she said, just a puzzled, "Though it should be impossible, from all that we know and all that the Spymaster told us."
"Mister?" I called out to the feline tentatively. He gave me a smug look, but I could not tell if he was saying 'Who else would it be?' or 'If that's what you want to call me, Human.'
"So tell me how we can scan his quantum resonance frequency," I told her, "That will tell us which universe he is from, right?"
"Harry," she said in annoyance, "I am not even sure if there is such a thing. This is not an episode of Star Trek, after all. And even if it is real, I have no way to know how to do it."
"I thought you knew everything that had happened since the beginning of time," I shot back, "And all the rules of reality, too."
"And I am increasingly forced to admit that applies only to our home reality," she did not sound disappointed by the professed limitation, "not to other universes or matters that transcend a single universe."
I stared at her. And then the cat.
"So we are at a dead end?" I finally asked.
The first thing I tried was simply to open my Third Eye and study the cat through my Wizard Sight. The result was exactly as I feared and not very helpful. The intruder appeared exactly the same to my Sight as he did normally. Not a strand of fur out of place or hint of altered aura. Just like Mister back home.
That in and of itself was somewhat telling. Almost nothing, Human, plant, animal, or fae, did not change at least a little under the Sight. Even buildings or grassy fields generally revealed at least some small secret or element of their past. And in most cases the change was not just a small one. Murph, for example, was still recognizable, but appeared like an avenging war goddess; toga, blazing eyes, burning sword. I would have said Angel, but her pure inner core didn't have wings.
The fact that Mister and now Maybe Mister looked that exact same should have been impossible. They would have had to have been perfectly well adjusted and content in themselves. Which admittedly, wasn't much of a stretch for most cats. But it also meant they had no fears or regrets from the past; they specifically didn't care what had taken their tail. And it was weird that there were no linger mystical energies, especially considering the fact Mister had played chauffer to Bob multiple times in the past.
For a long time Mister had been unique in that appearing normal to my Sight. But about a during one of my last jobs before the war with the Outside, I had gone to retrieve some bald eagle feathers for Injun Joe, and I had Seen the eagle. She had also looked the exact same under the Sight. So the fact the Maybe Mister was just like OG Mister was noteworthy, but did not prove anything. Hell, if Maybe Mister was Bizzaro World's counterpart to Mister, it would make sense.
After the Sight, Lash had done her HUD thing. She showed me side-by-side pictures of Mister and Maybe Mister, and they were identical. At least as far as my limited Human senses could tell. Lash confirmed that, at least on the outside, the cats were the same.
Then we broke out other scrying and scanning spells. They were also inconclusive. He was a cat. There was nothing particularly special about him, from a magical perspective. He was a little hungry and getting increasingly annoyed with the staring and flashes of light.
With my pseudo-science theory shot down, and no sample from the original Mister to do a DNA test with or try a voodoo doll, we were at a dead end. The only other option was to call Uriel, and I doubt he would give me a straight answer.
"I guess it really boils down to two questions," I gathered my thoughts, "What is this cat, and how did he get here?"
"The second question is nearly impossible to answer without knowing the first," Lash said, "There are too many possibilities to properly speculate. If we knew his nature, we might be able to narrow the options down…"
"And there are three possible answers to the first question," I nodded.
"Three?" she prompted, sounding a bit confused.
"Yeah. First is that this really is Mister."
"In which case, we having to wonder how he was able to come here," she countered, "And why there is no detectable residue of his journey."
If my cat had come here from my universe, there should have been some trace. Some lingering aura of the Outside or the Dimensional Void. Or magical energies from a transportation spell. Not that either of those would prove he was my Mister. He could have been exposed for some other way. But to Lash's point, the lack of those energies was a reasonably strong argument against the OG Mister theory.
"Second, is that this is Bizzaro Mister," I continued. The cat gave me a dirty look. Once again I could not be sure, was it annoyance that I was doubting him, or just because he took offense to being called 'Bizzaro'?
"In which case, why is he here," she added, "Are all doppelgängers of this cat drawn to you, regardless of the universe? And did he track you down as if the star of an 'animal finds its relocated Humans' movie?"
"My money would be on Uriel B heard about Mister from our Uriel, and brought Mister B here. Either to mess with me, or because he thinks I need Mister for some reason."
"Your cat has proven an asset more than once in the past," she pointed out.
"Yeah, I know. Anyway, option three is the scary one. That this isn't a cat, but some sort of god or monster that was able to pull an image of Mister out my memory, and is both subtle and powerful enough to hide itself from everything we just put it through."
I sighed and trudged over to the front door.
"What are you doing, Harry?" Lash asked in surprise.
"Going shopping," I told her, "If it is option one or two, it's not like I'll be able to get rid of him. Not that I would want to. If it is option three, best to play along until I figure out which kind of -volent it is?"
"Volent?" she prompted.
'Bene- or male-," I said, "Either way, I'll need food and water bowls. And food. Probably a couple of litter boxes…"
I continued to list things my new roommate would need or want, even as I trudged into the night. I guess it was a good thing I would be getting a bigger royalty check next week.
Next: Beyond the Outer Gates Lies...a Turn of the Page?
Author's note: before/in case anyone complains, yes, Koneko going into heat is from volume 11. The story is not that far, yet (volume 9 will start after the First Dates arc finishes in three chapters). But because Harry saw fit to advise Rias, and Ise' active Harem started early, this event also happened early.