Thanks for all the reviews and thoughts about my dog. He was a sweet boy. I am so happy to know that you are still reading and are enjoying the direction of the story. I hope that is still true after you read this chapter. There is no Emily whumping just a realistic direction of what could happen given what has occurred with her. Please give it a read and tell me what you think.

Thanks for the support.

Chapter Thirty Eight

Emily was trying to figure out who put a spot light in her bedroom to highlight the twenty piece drum corps going off in her head. She pulled the pillow tightly over her face. It helped to turn down the spotlight but did nothing to stop the drumming in her head. She tried to slap the side of the bed hoping that Jennifer would be able help stop the drumming but she just hit cold sheets. She had no idea what time it was and vaguely remembered how she got home last night.

JJ was standing in the doorway watching her girlfriend suffer from the effects of last night's escapades with Derek. She knew she had not drunk this much since before she was kidnapped. She had only had a few drinks with dinner nothing stronger than a glass of wine or beer. A part of her wanted to make a lot of noise like she would have done in the past when she had tied one on with the gang but something was telling her this was not the usual 'let your hair down after a rough case' kind of moment. There was something else going on with her girlfriend.

She quietly walked over and sat gently on the edge of the bed. Lightly rubbing her exposed arm to let her know that she was there, she leaned over and said in a soft voice, "Honey, I have some aspirin and a glass of water here for you. When you are ready there is some coffee in the kitchen. I'll make you something to eat when you're up to it." She sat there waiting to see if she would make any response.

Emily pulled the pillow down so she was showing one eye that she barely opened. She was grateful that the drapes were still drawn and there were no additional lights turned on in the room. She couldn't figure out where that blinding light was coming from until she realized it must have been coming through her eyelids. She brought the pillow off of her face and tried to focus on the blonde sitting next to her.

"Uh…tha..thanks," she said with a gravelly voice.

JJ handed her the glass of water and waited for her to take it. She sat up far enough to take a drink and downed half the glass.

"Here, take these before you drink all the water," she directed as she handed her the aspirin. "Why don't you go take a shower, you'll feel better. I'll have another glass of water waiting for you on the bathroom sink." She leaned over and gave her a kiss on her forehead before leaving her girlfriend to gather herself enough to at least get out of bed.

After several minutes Emily felt human enough to get out of bed and head to the bathroom. She stood under the strong jets in the shower trying to erase the effects of last night. After several long minutes she was able to wash herself and think about the consequences of what's to come from her girlfriend who was being extremely nice to her. She recalled that Jennifer was never that nice when she had gotten this drunk in the past so she figured she was in more trouble than she thought.

She grabbed the towel and was vigorously drying her hair and when she took the towel off her head she saw the glass of water that was promised to be waiting for her when she got out of her shower. She smiled weakly at herself in the mirror as she picked up the glass, looked at the condensation collecting on the glass and took a small sip. She put it down gently and went to get dress as she prepared to face the music of her girlfriend.

JJ fixed a light breakfast and had some coffee ready for Emily. When she heard the shower shut off she plated the food and poured a cup of coffee and had them waiting for her on the counter. She had been wondering since last night what was going on with her girlfriend to cause her to get that drunk. Things had gotten better with them but she still was reluctant to talk to her about things that were deep under the surface. Mary even told her she wasn't sharing things with her like they use to. JJ just hoped she was sharing things with her therapist.

A much brighter brunette entered the kitchen then the one that was that was hidden under the covers in bed.

"Feeling better sweetie? I've got some breakfast for you along with your coffee." JJ said brightly as she walked over to her giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks. Yeah the shower was exactly what I needed. Thanks for the water. Did you make some coffee?" she asked.

"Come on and have a seat, I have it all set up for you at the counter."

They both sat and begin eating in silence. Emily continued to steal glances at JJ waiting for her to grill her about her behavior last night but she never did. The blonde knew that she was looking at her but trying to hide it. She wanted to see if Emily would talk about what was bothering her before she brought it up so she attempted to make small talk.

"How many times did you beat Derek in pool last night? Or did he give up after second time and accuse you of being a pool shark like he does me when we play darts?" JJ asked with a chuckle.

Emily turned and looked at her and gave her a relieved smile. "It was almost even, but I did win more. I don't think he was too focused until I won the fourth game in a row. I think that was when he bought the second pitcher of beer."

They both shared a lighthearted laugh. "That sounds like Derek. We should both challenge him to a game of darts and pool."

"He might switch to playing jacks or twiddle winks from the stress."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

Emily took a deep sigh as she looked down at her plate contemplating how to bring up the topic that she knew they were evading. "Jennifer, I'm sorry I got so drunk last night. I hope I didn't make too much of a fool of myself."

JJ placed her hand on Emily's and gave her a loving look. "You didn't do anything worse than when you've gotten drunk in the past. Of course I would have liked if you left out the part about our sex life. You did seem to have Derek worried about you though. He made sure to tell me that he tried to stop you from drinking so much. He wasn't sure what happen to cause you to start drinking. Emily, honey, I'm ready to listen if you want to talk about it."

Emily looked down at the hand on top of hers trying to think how to respond and if she should. Taking a deep breath she tried to gather her courage to tell her lover what was bothering her. She had only told her therapist about what she was going through and a little bit to Mary. Everyone always saw her as being strong and fearless and she didn't know what they would think of her if they saw her as scared and weak. The truth was she has been feeling scared since she returned and struggling to get most of her memories back. She hadn't told Jennifer what the doctor told her at her last appointment. The combination of drugs that she and the others were given by Monroe had affected her brain chemistry not enough to cause any major damage but enough to affect her mood, motivation and the retrieval of some of her memories.

With the upcoming trial, she was becoming more and more scared of how seeing Phillip Monroe will affect her. She and Mary had had a co-joint session with Dr. Dean to discuss what that meant for both of them. Emily was more concerned for Mary because she was drugged and placed under his mind control a lot longer than she was. The thought of how the others were faring was also a big concern for both of them.

Emily had become angry with her doctor when he told her the news and for not telling her earlier but was able to calm when he explained that he had to wait until she recovered her memory to get a more definitive answer. Even though she and Jennifer had newly re-established their romantic life she didn't know how to tell her that she really wasn't going to be just like she was before. That was what she couldn't tell Derek last night when he was asking her about being a field agent again. And now with the trial, going back to Texas and seeing everyone again she was terrified that she would be thrown back in that reality again and lose what she had recovered.

She owed it to Jennifer to tell her what she was scared of, that's what Dr. Dean had told her and she knew she was right. She didn't know if she would be ready for her reaction when she told her.

She looked up at the blonde and tried to give her a smile but failed. Taking comfort in the gentle touch of her girlfriend she took a deep breath and began to share some of her fears. "I'm sorry that I have not talked to you before all this but it's been hard to even want to admit this to myself." She took another deep breath before continuing. "I'm afraid, Jennifer."

"What are you afraid of honey?"

"Everything." She said with a strained laugh. "I'm scared about going back to Texas again and the trial. I know it's silly and nothing is going to happen especially with all of you there. But having to see him again…and the others…" She let the sentence drop as she lowered her head.

JJ put her arm around her shoulder and brought her close to her as she kissed her temple. "I will be with you every moment. I swear. You know once this is over you will be free of him, we all will. What about seeing him scares you most? You know he can't hurt you. You are stronger than he is. You and Mary proved that by how you have taken back your lives." She kissed her and rubbed her back trying to give her as much reassurance as she could.

Emily wanted to believe her but she didn't feel strong. That was one of the reasons that she didn't want to be a field agent anymore which broke her heart since she had worked so hard to get to this unit. But she didn't feel she had it in her anymore. Even though she believed in all the good that the BAU does, she didn't feel that she had it in her to be on the front lines anymore.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you any of this before."

"I understand honey. You are telling me now." JJ thought she was talking about the trial and was sharing those same fears about what going back to Texas would do to her.

She made up her mind to tell her what she has been hiding. Derek had probably told her about her drunk ramblings from last night so she knew she couldn't hide that from her. "I'm sure Derek told you what I told him last night. Well…its true."

JJ gave her a confused look not understanding what she was talking about. He told her a few things about their conversation but not enough to have a clear understanding of what she was talking about now.

"I don't think I want to be a field agent anymore. I tried but I don't feel I have the desire to do it anymore. I can't explain it. I can't even think of touching a gun anymore so how could I possibly be effective in the field. Derek wanted to take me to the firing range but I couldn't do it. I didn't tell you because it would get back to the team and I know it would make them hate me. You all worked so hard to get me back and I can't be the same person I was before. I'm sorry Jennifer I don't want to disappoint you." Emily put her head in her hands and softly cried. A part of her was glad she finally told her girlfriend some of what was bothering her but another part was terrified about what the fallout would be when the others found out.

Not knowing what to say to what she heard, JJ just looked at her as she tried to decide how best to respond. She didn't expect the statement of her not wanting to be an agent any longer. Being an FBI agent was her whole life. She had to go against her parents to become an agent and her mother fought hard against her appointment with the BAU.

After several long moments JJ finally responded hoping what she will say was the right thing. "What do you want to do instead sweetie? You can never disappoint me as long as you are happy and we are together. The others won't be disappointed they will only wonder why, like me."

Emily had stopped crying as she listened to her girlfriend. She knew everyone would wonder why when they found out about her decision to not be an agent anymore. A fair question and an answer she was still trying to work out for herself. She had been talking to Dr. Dean about it and what her doctor had told her about her brain. She had mentioned it to Mary thinking because she doesn't have the same history as everyone else she could be more objective. Having been given the same news about her brain chemistry as Emily was the reason Mary's memory had only come back in disconnected fragments.

"Jennifer there is something else I need to tell you but I need you not to panic or get hysterical. Promise…?" she said giving her a serious look.

Just by the sheer nature of the request to not panic, JJ couldn't help but automatically tense up. "I will try," she said with a shaky voice. "But depending on what you are going to tell I may not be able to keep that promise. But let's go sit where we can at least be comfortable." She looked at her with concern and worry in her eyes. She took her hand and kissed it before leading her to the living room where they could sit on the sofa. She figured they might as well be comfortable if she was going to hear bad news. At least she would be able hold her and vice versa for support. Once they were settled and wrapped in each other's arms she said, "Okay, tell me."

Emily took a deep breath and kissed her hair before speaking. "You know I had my doctor's appointment last week." Before the blonde had time to panic she quickly added, "I'm okay. But he said that there were some residual effects from the drugs I was given when I was with Monroe. He said that they altered my brain chemistry. The same thing is true for Mary and the others. He said because I was the last taken it may not be as severe as the others. I guess time will tell. That probably explains a lot with me, huh?"

JJ has had to deal with many things in her career that the normal public would lose their minds over and has dealt with them with a calm disposition that would make a heart surgeon jealous. But hearing that her girlfriend may have suffered brain damage because of one crazy man she was ready to be judge and jury and decide his fate right now.

A million questions were flashing through the blonde's mind. 'Why didn't you tell me? Did he tell you what will happen? Are you going to get worse? What does this mean for us? Are you still my Emily?' Pulling all her calm together all she could say was, "Are you…okay?" in a very weak voice.

"Yes, I'm okay."

They sat in silence for several long minutes. Emily knew she had to give Jennifer the time to digest what she told her; although she had more time, she was still trying to digest the news.

Suddenly JJ sat up straight as she slapped her hands on her thighs. "Alright. Obviously I know I have questions and I bet you didn't ask the questions that you have formulated since you heard the news last week. So this is what we are going to… we are going to call the doctor today and he will see us to answer our questions…my questions…and yours.

Hearing the tone of her voice, she knew there was no arguing with the blonde. She knew that she was reacting out of fear but maybe it would be good for her too to get more information about her condition.

"Okay. I'll make the call now."

*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*

The doctor was able to fit them in. He knew that Emily was a high profile case. It was national news about the upcoming trial and he knew that his findings about the FBI agent could play a pivotal role leading to the man's conviction. She had been in too much shock to ask questions about the findings when he told her. He was glad she decided to come back so he could explain and answer her questions. And he was relieved that she was bringing her friend for the extra support.

The couple was sitting anxiously in the waiting room for the doctor. JJ was amazed that Emily was sitting very still staring at an unknown spot on the far wall while she was struggling to sit still. By the time the door to the doctor's office opened she had flipped through about five magazines on the table because she couldn't even focus on the pictures. Both women turned their attention to the open door.

"Ms. Prentiss, Ms. Jareau, please come in." He directed them to the two chairs that were in front of his desk. "I'm glad you called Ms. Prentiss. I was going to call you and see how you were doing. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. I told Jennifer what you told me and she had questions that I couldn't answer. I…we were hoping you could answer them," she stated flatly.

"Of course. What would you like to know? I will try my best to answer what I can," the doctor said with a kind smile.

JJ waited for Emily to ask the first question but she just sat there looking at the doctor. She figured she would ask her questions first and hope it would break her out of whatever mood she was currently in.

"Dr. Nelsen, Emily told me that her brain chemistry has been altered because of the drugs she was given when she was with Monroe. How could that be? She was held the shortest amount of time compared to the others. I can see that happening with Karen Johnson because she was held the longest, even Mary Harris but how is this possible with Emily." JJ was trying hard to stay strong but she was slowly breaking as she asked her question.

He tried to think of a way to give them the answer they needed without having to give them a complete lecture on neuro-biochemistry. "I can understand your confusion but the brain is a tricky muscle and we are still discovering all its mysteries. I have consulted with Dr. Johnson and Dr. Martin who treated you and the others and have confirmed that you all were affected to some degree but all in different ways." This got Emily's attention. Seeing that he had her full attention, he directed his next comments toward her. "You were all given different combination of drugs that unfortunately had specific effects to all of you based on your personal biochemistry. It wasn't just the drugs that caused the changes; you were all given subliminal messages along with the drugs."

"How could those messages change my brain chemistry? You said it was the chemicals," Emily asked with a sharp tone.

"Yes the chemical did cause the changes because they affected the Serotonin and glutamate neurotransmitter systems which control mood, sleep, learning and memory of the brain. The fact that you all were subjected to repetitive messages while being given the drugs played a part in altering the dopamine levels and how the neurons communicated with each other." He stopped talking as he saw the lost look on both their faces.

"I'm not sure I understand. I get how hearing those messages affected our memories and thoughts but how did it change our brain chemistry?" Emily wondered feeling more scared than before.

JJ took hold of Emily's hand not only to provide her with comfort but to give herself something tangible to hold onto given all the confusing information they were being given. She was thinking that she should have paid more attention in biology or physiology in college but she only took them for her general education courses. She was feeling as lost as her girlfriend right now.

Dr. Nelsen took a determined sigh as he folded his hands on top of the desk. He knew this was going to be hard to explain but it was turning out to be more difficult then he thought. Having to explain all of this to two trained behavior analysts was challenging even though they were well versed in psychology but not so much in the biology of the brain.

"I know this is all very hard to understand. Let me try to break it down to make it easier to understand. You're right about the messages not being entirely responsible for changing your brain chemistry but because of the drugs you were given affected your memory and decision making centers of your brain that's why you were easily susceptible to the messages. As I said before, the combination of drugs changed how the neurons fired and the messages changed the way you normally responded to things. Once you stopped taking the drugs and receiving the messages it gave your brain a chance to heal."

"So she is fine right. She hasn't been given those drugs in months so her brain should be fine. She wasn't on the drugs as long as the others. So she's fine." JJ grabbed hold to the small glimmer of hope the doctor presented to them.

Giving the blonde a sad smile he responded gently, "I wish it was that simple. And that should have been true if it weren't for other factors."

"What factors? What else could cause those kind of problems? It's not like I'm a drug addict who kept taking drugs. I barely have been drinking…well except last night," Emily said with concern and some fear in her voice. Emily knew she should have asked these questions when she saw the doctor by herself instead of when Jennifer was present because now she was looking weak in front of her.

"Because you and Mary were running from a perceived threat your brains didn't have the opportunity to rest properly to begin the healing process. Trauma can also change the chemistry in the brain. You experienced things that you felt were life threatening and that's how you were reacting to everyone and everything around you."

"What does that mean for Emily doctor?" JJ asked.

The doctor got up from behind his desk and went to lean on the edge of his desk in front of the two women. "Ladies I know this all sounds scary but the truth is you are doing much better than some of the other individual who were taken. Emily, you have been able to retrieve a large majority of your long term and short term memories and have had some personality changes. There are others who have major gaps in their memory such as Mary and Karen Johnson. Others have had major personality changes like Robert Crawford and Bethany Jones. And others haven't shown any major adverse symptoms like Joe Warner."

"So you're saying that Phillip Monroe screwed us all up," Emily said with a flat low voice as she looked off to the corner of the room. 'He was supposed to care for us. We were supposed to be family.' She shook her head slightly as if trying to get the thoughts out of her head. 'What am I thinking? Mary and I have become family. I almost lost Jennifer but I did lose parts of her because I can't remember. I don't know…'

"Emily…Emily are you listening? Are you okay?" JJ squeezed her arm trying to get her attention.

The doctor had also gotten closer to Emily because she appeared to blank out and he was concerned that she had disassociated.

"What? What did you say?" she said confusedly.

"Are you okay Emily? You seemed to have left us for a moment. I'm sorry all this information has caused you any distress. You told me that you have been seeing a psychologist; maybe it would be a good idea to discuss your feelings about what you have heard today," he gently suggested.

Looking at the brunette's reaction or lack of reaction JJ quickly asked, "Doctor is there anything that Emily can do to help her…heal or is this the best she gets? She won't get worse, right?"

Dr. Nelsen contemplated whether he was going to be absolutely honest with the couple or just give them the most likely outcome. Considering the work they do he figured they would be able to tell any slight deception on his part but he didn't want to dump any more on them then he already had.

With most genuine smile he could muster he answered the questions. "Ms. Prentiss…Emily, you have made a great deal of progress in getting better. There is always the prospect that you can make a full recovery but realistically if you have not been able to recover the rest of your memory the possibility is low that it will be recovered. You are a strong woman and if you put your mind to it you can overcome any setbacks you may experience."

"That's if I still have my mind to …" Emily said sarcastically under her breath.

JJ heard what she said but chose not to comment. Apparently the doctor didn't hear or chose not to comment also. She knew that Emily was more scared than she was after hearing what the doctor told them.

"Are there any more questions that I can answer for you?"

JJ looked at Emily trying to see if she was done wanting to get more information but she gave no response to the question. "I think I have enough information. What about you honey?"

"I'm good. Thanks a lot." Emily stated abruptly and got up and walked out of the office not waiting for Jennifer.

Startled by her girlfriend's rapid departure, she looked embarrassed at the doctor. "I'm sorry doctor, I think she is probably overwhelmed by all the information you gave us. I'm sure once she has had time to digest it all she will be fine. Thanks for all your time and getting us in so quickly."

"There's no need to apologize Ms. Jareau. I know it's a lot to take in but please make sure you have her call me if she has any questions. You can contact me as well. I know this hasn't been easy on you. Have you noticed any significant personality changes since she has returned?" The doctor asked as he took the now empty seat next to the blonde.

She looked down at her hands as she thought about the question. When she looked back at the doctor her thoughts just flowed out unhindered. "She has been more passive than she was before she was taken. I just figured it had to do with being unsure about her memory. That was her rationale for not wanting to resume out intimate relationship until recently. She hasn't had any flashbacks for a while…at least she hasn't told me about any that she has had lately. She told me this morning that she doesn't want to be an FBI field agent anymore. She fought so hard to be an agent. She had to go up against her mother who has the pull to stop her. She's a good agent. I know she can't be happy just riding a desk. She's too much an adrenaline junkie at least she used to be." JJ stopped talking realizing how much she had shared with the doctor.

The doctor placed a gentle hand on hers offering her some comfort. "Have these changes been consistent since she returned? I mean were they noticeable when she first returned or did they come about gradually?"

Thinking back to when she was found and the time until now she suddenly felt more scared about the condition of her girlfriend. "Some of them were noticeable when she returned but I have been noticing subtle changes since then. She used to be an ace marksman and now she's seems afraid to be in the same room as a gun." JJ brought her hand to cover her mouth as she sucked a deep gasp of air. "Oh God…is she getting worse? Is the damage to her brain worse than what you told us?"

"Oh no Ms. Jareau, I don't think that is what's happening. I know she has a big trial coming up and that can't be easy on her, both of you. I think when the stress of the trial is over and she is able to relax those changes that you observed may go away. If you noticed anything major then you could be concerned. Until then she just needs to work on managing her stress. Try to get her to make an appointment with her therapist soon to discuss what we talked about today. Try not to worry. You may benefit from talking to someone yourself."

The emotional blonde nodded her head as she blinked back tears that were threatening to fall. "Thank you, doctor. I'll think about talking to someone. Can I call you again if I have any questions or concerns about Emily's …condition?"

"Yes of course. Emily did sign a consent form that her medical information can be shared with you."

She gave him a sad smile as she stood to leave. He stood with her. "I guess I better go find Emily. Thanks again Dr. Nelsen for your time and patience."

He shook her outstretched hand and walked her to the door. "You're quite welcome. I just wish I could have given you both more affirmative news but it still is positive. You both shouldn't let it stress you out so much that you stop living your lives."

"Thanks again doctor. Goodbye."

When she walked out into the waiting room and she wasn't surprised to not find Emily waiting for her. Considering how long she had been in the doctor's office there were only few places she could have gone in that short period of time on foot. She took a deep before leaving the doctor's office in search of her girlfriend.