Neji doesn't even think. He charges Tobi, flying straight through him and grabbing Fu. Tobi is so surprised he doesn't have enough time to make Fu intangible. Neji lands in the grass with Fu in his arms.
"Neji saved Fu," says Fu, staring at him with wide eyes.
"Neji loves Fu," says Neji. Still not thinking straight, he adds, "Will Fu marry Neji?"
"When Fu and Neji are old enough!" says Fu, holding up a finger. Then she kisses Neji soundly. Then both of them blush so red they make Hinata's worst blushes look pink.
"Aren't they a bit young to be thinking of marriage?" asks Hizashi.
"Hey, look on the bright side," says Nagato, waving a BBQ'd sausage in Hizashi's direction. "At least marriage is actually on their list. My adopted daughter and her boyfriend are trying to skip straight to the 'making babies' part of things."
"Okay, that's IT," Rin stands up and marches up to Tobi. "You have been a VERY, VERY bad boy, Tobi!" she growls, pointing an accusing finger at him.
Tobi stares at Rin, apparently too surprised to move.
Sasuke and Naruto take the opportunity to kill Zetsu by completely destroying him with the Sage of Six Path's power..
"Take. Off. The. Mask." Rin taps her foot impatiently, one hand on her hip and a very angry expression on her face.
"I told Orochimaru not to reanimate you!" Tobi protests. He sees Sakumo Hatake. "And told him not to re animate you either!" he says, pointing at Sakumo.
"Take off the mask NOW, Obito Uchiha!" snaps Rin.
"Wait, Obito?" Fugaku stares at Tobi, a look of disbelief on his face. "What the Kishimoto happened to you? You used to be such a sweet little cupcake!"
"Bring him over here for the Naruto Treatment," says Kakashi, looking about as done as burned cake.
Before Tobi can so much as twitch, Rin grabs him by the collar, takes his mask off and drags him over to Naruto. "He's all yours," she says.
Naruto takes ahold of Tobi by the wrist and says, "There are two people who want to have words with you."
"What two people?" asks Tobi.
"My parents," grins Naruto. "Let's go in my mindscape, shall we?" In the instant before both Naruto and Tobi's faces go blank, Tobi's face adopts a look of pure terror.
"What was that about?" asks the Second Mizukage, charismatically.
"Well," says Iruka. "Long story short: Tobi is actually Obito, a former teammate of Kakashi's and the one who gave him the Sharingan. Rin was the other one on their team and their jounin sensei was Naruto's father. My guess is the Yellow Flash is not happy one of his students is responsible for all the crap that's been going on lately."
"So, when will Tobi's funeral be?" asks Mikoto.
"Eventually," says Rin, stomping back over to the picnic. "Kakashi, don't be too upset if Tobi joins me in the afterlife."
Kakashi makes a noise that sounds like a cross between laughing and dying.
"Soooo…" Roshi tries to catch everyone's attention. Unlike many people who tried things recently, Roshi actually succeeds. "Can we get back to the picnic?" he asks. "At this rate we won't finish in time for afternoon tea."
"Good point," says Mei. "Let's get on with the picnic."
And they do just that.
Soon, Naruto drags a ditzy-looking Tobi over to the picnic. "He has repented his bad ways, and agreed to be a good boy from now on." says Naruto, dumping Tobi at Rin and Kakashi's feet.
"Tobi is sorry," says Tobi absent mindedly. "Tobi will be a good boy from now on. Tobi has been a very bad boy. Tobi must change or Kushina onee-sama-kami will come out of the seal and destroy Tobi. Tobi must be a good boy. Tobi must be a good boy…" he starts rocking back and forth and repeating "Tobi must be a good boy" over and over.
"Tobi," says Konan. "Be a good boy and eat this sandwich. Knowing you, you probably skipped lunch to ruin our picnic."
"Tobi is sorry he attacked your picnic," says Tobi, taking the sandwich.
"Is it time for dessert yet?" asks Gaara, waking up from his nap.
"Sure, why not," says Mei. "Who brought the desert food?"
"FU BROUGHT MARSHMALLOWS!" Fu shouts, holding up several giant bags of marshmallows.
"I brought ice cream," says Oonoki, unsealing about 20 cartons of ice cream from a freezing scroll.
"I brought dango," says Itachi, presenting his scroll-full of hundreds of dango sticks.
"I have tomatoes," says Sasuke, holding up a bucketful.
"Sasuke," says Naruto, who is secretly holding Hinata's hand. "Tomatoes are not a dessert food."
"And ramen isn't a breakfast food," counters Sasuke.
"Ah, touche," says Naruto.
"Ramen is so a breakfast food," says Iruka.
"Iruka, your parents would be ashamed of you," says Mikoto.
"Actually," says Naruto, still holding Hinata's hand and keeping a lookout in case Hiashi sees. "Mum says that Iruka-nii's parents frequently had ramen for breakfast. So, yeah…"
"You see?" says Iruka, making an 'I told you so' gesture. "Ramen is a breakfast food."
"What are we going to do about the gedo statue?" asks Tsunade.
"Nothing." says Nagato. "Absolutely nothing." He shovels down a spoonful of ice cream and adds, "There is nothing we need to do. Tobi is a good boy now, and I don't plan on using the Gedo Statue unless I need to. I can summon it to me in an instant, so we really don't need to do anything about it at all."
"So what would you have done if you didn't find out about the plan to re animate shinobi for our army?" asks Tobi, having calmed down in the presence of the vast amount of Dango Itachi unsealed.
"Oh, we knew about your plan to use reanimations from the start," says Sasuke. "Jugo told us ages ago. But I guess you didn't re animate his friend Kimimaro after all?"
"No," says Tobi. "He would have been part of the Third Wave of re animations. But we realized that nothing short of Madara himself would even pose a challenge to your picnic."
"Ah, I see," says Tsunade. "You do realize we are going to have to give you a full criminal trial, right?"
Omake
Try Telling That to the Fourth Raikage, Boruto!
Dedicated to Mariko-Hime and that Guest for picking up the Monty Python/Holy Grail reference.
"Hey Dad," says Boruto one day. "I want to Train with Uncle Sasuke and be like him, except I want to be in Akatsuki, not the KPC."
Naruto chokes on his ramen. After whacking himself in the chest a few times, he turns to Boruto and says, "What?!"
"I said, 'I want to train with Uncle Sasuke and join Akatsuki'," repeats Boruto, and takes another mouthful of ramen.
"Wanting to be in Akatsuki I can understand," chokes Naruto. "But why would you want to train with Sasuke?"
"Because his style is better than yours and I don't want to use your style, because it's lame," explains Boruto, matter-of-factly. "Especially your pranks. Like, you couldn't take down a mouse with your stupid pranks."
Naruto falls off his stool and curls up in the fetal position. "Lame…" he whimpers. "Couldn't take down a mouse…" Then something occurs to Naruto. He jumps to his feet. "That's it! The next mission your team get's will be with me! I'll show you what the Orange Terror can really do!"
One epic mission later…
"Dad, I stand by what I said before," says Boruto, his arms crossed an expression of boredom on his face. "Your pranking is lame, even if you can level armies with a bucket of rice and a toothpick."
"But...but...but…" Naruto is one insult away from crying.
"But I suppose you aren't a weakling afterall, so that's something I guess."
Naruto starts bawling.
"Oh, shut up you wuss!" snaps Boruto.