Chapter thirty six: One more

NPOV

November 6, Tuesday

I hadn't slept at all tonight, the memory of that kiss kept replaying itself, and I didn't want it any other way.

At work I was terrible, so I quit early to go home and take a nap. It helped a little. Clear thoughts came back gradually. They weren't welcome, but I knew they were needed.

If I would go over to him later, he would surely tell me this was a mistake. And I had to agree then, although I didn't want to. Tell him to give his marriage an honest chance. Maybe he would want us to finally take some distance. I knew he was getting way to close, but I was addicted. I always have been. How could I not be addicted now? Now I was completely head over heals in love, and now I could feel that he had some feelings for me as well.

He had wanted to kiss me. We kissed way too long to be a one side thing. But we also had a couple of drinks, maybe he was just confused.

Whatever it was and whatever tonight may bring, I had kissed him and that moment nobody could take away again. I think it was the sweetest kiss of my life.

Maybe I was biased, because I was so in love, but I really think it was. And it had a massive effect on me. I can only imagine what a French kiss would do to me. I would faint I think.

I was really nervous when I arrived at his place. A part of me was hoping that he would still be in a daze and ready for a repeat. But when he opened the door telling me we needed to talk, my hope was instantly gone.

He had prepared dinner, but neither of us was hungry, so we decided to talk first, and we got into the couch. We sat in the same position as yesterday. He laughed a bit uncomfortably when he noticed. He was nervous as well.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Nessie. I asked myself a million question but all the answers are that I don't know."

"What sort of questions?"

"You want all of them?"

"Are some of them about how to tell me truth without breaking my heart?"

"No. I haven't gotten to that part. I don't know the truth."

"You wanted to kiss me yesterday?"

"Yes." He answered, without blushing. I blushed though.

"That's all the truth I believed so far."

"Do you know your truth?"

"Yes."

"Tell me." He looked at me pleadingly.

"What do you want to know? I think you know everything already."

"Things might have changed."

"They haven't."

He took a deep breath and smiled at me, as if he was pleased with my answer. He wanted me to love him. Was it flattering to him?

"I think you will understand if I tell you I'm in love with two people, and it confuses me."

He looked into my eyes when he said it. He wanted me to nod, to tell him it was alright to be indecisive and confused.

Right now I was just bombarded with the news that he was in love with me. I had maybe hoped something like that, why else did he want to kiss me? But for him to admit it, and to say it out loud, to me… My heart had stopped and my breathing hitched.

"That's the only truth I got Nessie. Now what?"

"Easy. Choose." I joked, and smiled sadly.

I knew what the result would be. It must be a terrible feeling for him. I knew first hand. Life was easier when you just love one person. Even if your heart gets broken, it's better than breaking somebody else's.

Maybe I should make it easier on him. But I couldn't.

Now he had said he was in love, the hope was there, and I would not just let go. He was the love of my life. I would fight for him.

But not force him. That would scare him away. I think perhaps Eve was doing that a little too much.

He didn't laugh at my joke. He just nodded thoughtfully. I felt sorry for him.

"You don't have to do it now."

"I don't want to lead you on. Or her."

"I'm patient. I can be annoyingly persistent. I think she can as well. Take your time."

"I don't want time. This is hell. Give me an ultimatum or something."

"I won't. I'll just be right here. I have once waited for five years to have you back into my life. And I'm grateful for that. I can wait longer for more."

"So if I get back together with Eve, you'll wait for me? You can't do that."

"I don't know what I'll do. It's a mean thing, hoping and waiting for a relationship to end. I'll try to move on, but on some level, it will always be you…"

I looked straight at him. Is has always been him.

"Nessie…" he didn't know what to say to that, he pulled me closer and embraced me. We held each other a long time. I knew what this meant.

"My mind tells me to choose her. Choose my wife. Keep your friendship. Don't ruin everything."

So loving me would ruin everything for him. It hurt.

I had told myself my heart wouldn't break, I had known he was going for her. It was the right thing to do for him. But it did break.

Only now I knew how much hope that kiss had given me. I managed to avoid sobbing, but the tears I couldn't stop.

"I'm sorry Ness," he whispered, as he wiped the tears with his thumbs.

He must be devastated. Bringing down a girl he loves. I tried to smile at him, but I couldn't. I should go home right now before the sobbing really begins and I make him even more miserable.

"I understand," I choked.

"I shouldn't have kissed you."

"Please don't be sorry. I'll cherish it in my memory. It was beautiful."

"How can I not be sorry if it hurt you so much?"

"I think I had been hoping before as well… only I didn't know. Until now."

"Then I'm sorry for all I have done to cause that. But the kiss, you're right, I'll cherish it was well."

He looked at my lips, knowing there won't be another one. But this thought alone made the desire to kiss even stronger. My heart was broken anyway, what did I have to lose? I reached up and placed my hands on his face and slowly closed the distance.

"I want to kiss you so bad," I whispered.

He didn't pull away, he closed his eyes and moved his arms around my back, pulling me close to him, one hand again in my neck, causing me shivers.

This kiss was even more beautiful. We knew it would be the last.

Our cheeks were wet with both our tears. When my tongue licked his lips I could taste them.

He opened his lips slightly, allowing me entrance, and pulled me even closer when our tongues met. His tongue moved softly over mine, caressing it, giving me some warm comfort.

I didn't faint, but it felt god damn amazing.

We kissed like this for a very long time. Neither of us wanted it to stop. Our tears were dried up. Hands in each others hair. We had gotten a little more comfortable in the couch, but our mouths never broke contact.

Eventually the kiss ended and we looked into each others eyes again. I could see his love for me, but that made it only more painful.

As fresh tears started to pool in my eyes, I got up and went for the door.

I looked back before I closed it. He was still on the couch, looking just as crushed as I was feeling. I closed it quickly and drove home.

Tina got into my bed with me while I cried myself to sleep, holding me and telling me it would all be alright.

AN: I bet you have mixed feelings about this... Tell me.