A/N: Sheesh, maybe I should do exams more often, it seems to be doing wonders for my desire to update this story! You should all be intensely grateful because I'm probably going to fail maths tomorrow morning because of this chapter! Feel free to express your gratitude in the review section ;P
I was standing in the hallway outside the front door of Charlie's apartment. I had been frozen in position for at least four or five minutes. It had suddenly struck me as I apperated into the hall that this could be the last time I ever saw Charlie ever again. It was highly possible that he could take one look at me and be so utterly repulsed that he shoves me out of his door and out of his life.
This thought of rejection was enough to make my heart throb in my chest and I was suddenly unsure if I still wanted to go through this.
Then, the thought occurred to me that he might take me back immediately, declaring his never ending love for me. And if that happened then what was I meant to do about Raymond? I loved them both – a lot. But did I love one more than the other? Maybe?
I really should have thought this through before I pissed off Raymond and disapperated out of the blue onto Charlie's doorstep as a completely different person...
As I stood there the door suddenly began to open. I wanted to run and hide in case it was Charlie. I had decided that I really wasn't ready for this conversation yet. But I was glued to the spot, just standing there like a fool.
Bernard's face appeared in the doorway. When He saw me he let out a shrill shriek like a woman who just saw a spider crawling across the floor. He pounced on me and enveloped me in a rib crushing hug. I had hardly been gone seven hours but he was very glad to see me.
"Sarah! I was so worried! Wait- have you been standing out here the whole time?!" He released me and held me at arm's length.
"No, no, I had to- uh, is Charlie home?"
"No," A weird mix of intense relief and bitter disappointment washed through my body. "He's out looking for you."
"Really?" I was a little surprised, and very flattered. "Where? Where does he think I'd be?"
"He mumbled something about London as he hastily dressed himself at three in the morning. I was sleeping, not paying much attention-" His voice trailed off as he noticed the dress I was wearing. I felt his eyes as they travelled down my figure and then up again, lingering on the cleavage area.
"Bernard! I will curse you!" His eyes glazed over and he looked confused.
"Curse... me... can muggles do that?"
"Look, it's very important that I speak to Charlie. Can we contact him somehow?"
"No, not really..." Bernard's eyebrows furrowed. "But you can wait here until he comes back?"
"Ok then," I stepped forward and he moved out of the way so I could enter the apartment. "Where is Remus?"
"No idea. I hadn't even noticed that he wasn't here,"
I threw a scathing look over my shoulder at Bernard but instantly regretted it – a feeling I would not have had before my dalliance as Sarah.
I sat down on the couch and waited.
And waited
And waited.
Hours had passed. Bernard had left for work. Stephen had made a brief appearance, informing me that he was glad to see that I was safe, then he, too, left for work. I was starting to get cold feet. More than once I had stood up intending to disapperate and come back another day but then I would force myself to sit back down. I was starting to think, however, that Raymond would reappear and kidnap me again if I didn't hurry up.
At last, late into the afternoon, Charlie apperated into the middle of the room with a dark expression on his face. He didn't notice me sitting there until I stood up. The movement caught his eye and he looked over. When he saw me he let out a strangled sigh and bounded forward and hugged me fiercely, though more tenderly than Bernard had. His smell filled my nose and the feel of his familiar shape pressed against mine was a comfort.
He held me for a long moment, then suddenly tensed up. He took a step back and drank in the sight of me standing there in a close fitting, velvet dress with a wand in my hand. He knew.
"You came back." He whispered the words across the short distance between us. I nodded calmly. Sarah would not have been able the handle this tension, but I could. And I knew it.
"I think we need to talk."
"I- I think so, too." Then, I got a rare glimpse of his vulnerability as a shot of deepest emotion flooded into his eyes as he tried to comprehend how this conversation might go. But then he composed himself and he turned into the same crappy Charlie that he had been before the wedding when he was so cold to me. I resisted the urge to blurt out the words 'I love you' just to make him feel better. I knew that if I did that now it would only make this conversation more difficult in the long run because I knew how it had to end. I had decided what I needed to do as I had waited.
"I'm not a death eater, if that helps?" I gave a hollow, false laugh that felt strange, but I was trying to lighten the atmosphere. Charlie echoed me with his own forced smile.
"It's nice to know, at least."
"For me, too," I nodded in agreement with him.
"So are you... with that Randall guy, then?"
"Raymond. And, uh, yeah. I am. For now at least." He bobbed his head in a peculiar nod and he pursed his lips.
"Do you want tea or anything?" He turned and walked into the kitchen area, picking up the kettle.
"No," I responded automatically, though as soon as I said it, I realised that a cup of tea was exactly what I needed. But this was not the moment. "I just want you to know, Charlie..."
"Stop." He spun around, flailing the half filled kettle. "If you're going to say something like 'I really enjoyed my time with you' then you can just-" it looked like it took a lot of effort for him to stop himself in the middle of that sentence, though the end of it was implied in the angry look in his eyes. I had a feeling he had wanted to say something that began with an 'f' and ended with 'uck off'.
"I just wanted to say that I'm still Sarah, kind of. And I still- you know, care. About you." He scoffed.
"Still Sarah? No, no you're different. You look different, you feel different, you sound different. It's your posture, or your vibe or something, but it's not Sarah. She would have," He started laughing humourlessly as he thought of her. "She would probably be in tears by now. She always seems to cry when we have serious conversations but you- you're cool as a cucumber you are."
I could feel the anger building up under his skin as he got into the groove. He seemed to be unintentionally channelling his emotions into vicious rage. And I was going to stand there and take, because I owed him that much. He slowly started to move closer, sloshing water as he gestured the kettle. I was suddenly acutely aware of his bulk. I was even a little bit afraid of him.
"Do you have any idea how scared I was to find your bed empty last night? I was out of my mind! No goodbye, no civil conversation about where we would stand after you regained your memory?! I loved you- Sarah, I Ioved Sarah, and I thought I was going to love you, too, by default, because you have her face and her hair and her voice. But I don't think I do. I don't think I can. You look like a freakin' statue just standing there, say something!"
The back of my throat was stinging with the effort of not crying, but my eyes were mercifully clear. I was much better at controlling my tear ducts than Sarah.
"I'm sorry." My voice was uncharacteristically meek. It sounded like Sarah.
The hot air seemed to deflate out of Charlie then. He looked back to see a trail of small puddles. I waved my wand and the water zoomed back into the sink and down the drain. Charlie stared at my wand in shock. Then his shock turned into stony resignation. He sat slowly and deliberately down on the couch.
"What does that mean; you're with Raymond 'for now'?"
"It means that I'm going to live like Gaia for a while and see how it goes. But Sarah has had a... lasting impression. I don't know if I can just return to my way of life."
"What, mean you don't think you live a life of facilitating murder and condoning the torture of innocent bystanders?" He said scathingly.
"Yes, that's exactly what I mean."
He looked surprised, but quickly cleared his expression.
"I think you should go." He said abruptly, getting to his feet.
"Oh, ok. Sure." I didn't want to leave. I didn't want this to be goodbye. "I'll let you know how life as Gaia is going for me, then."
"No, don't. I don't want to know. Just go." He looked exhausted. He looked broken.
"Charlie-"
"I can't. Not anymore."
He didn't meet my eyes as he walked over to the door and held it open for me. I hesitated for a long second, trying to find an excuse to stay. Nothing came to mind. I was forced to walk out of the door and watch as Charlie Weasley shut me out.
I apperated almost instantly back into Raymond's bedroom. He wasn't in there.
A wave of intense misery hit my like a full speed train. I was only now beginning to process the words that he had said. He had shouted that he didn't think he could love me. He told me that he didn't want to hear from me. He thought I was too different.
I fell in slow motion to my knees and leaned against the side of Raymond's bed as grief wrapped it's hand around my heart and squeezed.