Disclaimer: The following is a fan-written parody. Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi, Studio Deen, Shogakukan, Viz Media, and Madman Entertainment. Support the official release, okay?
Senpai
A Ranma ½ Story
|Battle Against a True Woman|
Readying her dao, Shampoo let out a caustic laugh. The fat girl was really going to do this! Complete with some silly special effects and anime bullshit that would probably sell a bunch of model kits! Shampoo had no taste for a can of over-ripened pork, but she was going to bust it open all over the street anyway.
Katie joined Ranma's side, kneeling over Akane. She was still twitching involuntarily, her body and brain still trying to restore its connection after the knockout blow. Gently resting her fingers on her neck, she checked around and sighed in relief when she found no sign of her neck being broken. "Oh thank God, she's just knocked out."
She looked to Ranma, who was looking back and forth between the bad battle couple and the armored Misao. "You okay?"
"I'm not fine," she snapped back. "This is out of control!"
Katie looked towards their wrecked apartment. She could now see the large hole in the side of the building Shampoo made on her way out. She then looked at the street, cracked and cratered by the clashes between the involved parties. Bitterly, she nodded in agreement and rose to her feet.
"Shampoo was the one to choose how to escalate this, dude, not you. She could've handled this in a whole lot of different ways, but instead she went with the one hand-crafted to piss everyone off and burn almost every bridge she has."
She gave Ranma a small smile. "So don't blame yourself for any of this. Just sit back and watch Misao take this bitch and her boyfriend apart like a Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head."
Ranma turned back towards the showdown, more specifically at Misao still hovering there, her arms coming up to fold across her armored chest plate as her wings spread out. It was a pose that Katie recognized… the contempt… the arrogance… the certainty in her power… the murderous intent worthy only of a God of Death. She was so confident that she was going to show off for them?
Shampoo took the pose as a challenge. "No more warning for Fat Dumb Girl then," she said as she began walking towards Misao, and then broke into a sprint towards her, taking the dao in both hands for maximum power with her swing.
Behind her, Ryoga realized that Shampoo was going straight for her, and reacted with dismay. "Shampoo! Wait!"
She didn't, instead accelerating to a blur to reach Misao, steel flashing as she swung the dao to bisect the anime trash clean in half.
"That armor is cool and all, but can she take Shampoo down?" Ranma asked. "Misao's like a flirty cuddly bear, she can't be that-"
The blade sliced majestically through air and lingering bolts of lightning, to Shampoo's wide-eyed surprise.
Ranma's mouth fell open, and her eyes darted up when she saw Misao was much higher in the air now, and the scissors on her shoulder were sparking and crackling as their jaws opened, revealing the jagged edges of chainsaw teeth that quickly began to rev up.
The sound caught Shampoo's attention, and she looked up in time to see Misao spin one way, launching the scissor on her right shoulder, then spin the other way, launching the other scissor–both of which tumbled mechanically through the air as their electrical thrusters oriented them to aim at Shampoo, before they accelerated at her like missiles.
"What the…?!" Shampoo quickly ducked over the first Flying Scissor, the blade passing low under her. The second came from a higher angle, and she dove forward from barely landing on the ground.
When the second scissor hit the ground, there was the sound, like an asphalt grinder going on overdrive, and Shampoo looked back to see the second scissor eating through the street at high speed, before it simply pulled up and out of the ground, stopped, flipped over along with its brother, and then shot right back at her.
There was a single thought in Shampoo's head at that very moment.
Run.
Shampoo dove out of the way of one of the scissors, and then leaped straight from her tumble to avoid the second. The second one barreled on towards a building, but rather than hit it stopped for all of a half second to reorient itself and go straight up. It changed direction with the same jarring quickness and came down at Shampoo as she scanned the sky for it and the other one.
Turning at the last second she swung the dao to cut the scissor in half, but it simply clamped down on the sword and with a shearing of metal bisected it while barely missing her.
"Xian Pu!" Ryoga yelled as he tackled her clear of the second scissor, which had closed in on her while she gaped at her destroyed dao for that brief instant.
The second scissor pulled out of its dive and ascended as the couple both tumbled across the ground.
As they came to a stop, Shampoo looked up at her husband in relief. "Airen!"
Her relief turned into fright, before she turned over, throwing herself and Ryoga out the path of Misao's thunderous diving punch that smashed the street and kicked up a cloud of dust.
"What that thing?" Shampoo hollered, the din of the impact still rumbling.
"I don't know, some kind of military mecha? Whatever it is, keep aw-" Ryoga started, before he was cut off by Misao suddenly coming out of the dust cloud like a very angry Terminator with a jet pack, aiming straight for Shampoo. "Shit!"
"Hiya!" Shampoo screamed as she narrowly avoided the artless punch.
There was zero martial arts behind it, but thanks to technology it had power unmatched by any human. The air rippled violently and the Amazon still found herself tumbling away just from the air pressure wave that happened just from the miss.
"If something like that lands," Ryoga thought, realizing he couldn't expect to body block more than one or two of those before he was down.
Then there were the scissors, which came from the way Misao went, homing in on Shampoo again. "Look out!"
"Be quiet!" Misao snapped, backhanding a wave of air pressure that knocked Ryoga back several feet. "If you're going to scream anything, it should be goodbye!"
"Think Hibiki think! Now is not the time for fancy." Ryoga needed an idea of how to fight this thing and fast. He wasn't capable of Ranma's battle innovation, but he was a strong motherfucker who hit like a ton of bricks. But was that ton enough?
He didn't have time to worry about it as Misao was after her quarry yet again, moving faster than Ryoga could believe possible as the mech suit closed in on Shampoo.
"Shit!" He cursed aloud, charging after the monster trying to make him a widower.
It was gonna be a close thing, as he ran as hard as he could. He once again cursed his lack of speed but he could make it, he could!
He did make it, and imposing himself between Misao and Shampoo and rearing back with a tremendous blow that connected with Misao's face. To his own shock and disbelief, however, there was only a metallic clang.
"Ah?!" It was way stronger than him?! It had at least caused her to stop.
Misao didn't give him the relief of a pithy rejoinder as she slapped the air into him and sent him tumbling away. Distraction gone, she turned her sights on Shampoo again, ready for brasstacks.
"I may have bitten off more than I can chew." This was the thought looping through Shampoo's brain. This was worse than fighting Red in close, but she was an Amazon, a Champion, a hero for all women!
So she dug in her heels to fight, knowing that the girl inside the beast wasn't a fighter. She could use that to her advantage and tear it apart. It was a simple thought, one that didn't match the seemingly insurmountable wall flying forward to punch her.
Misao's punch was read and Shampoo went under it, braving the wind as she drove a powerful left into Misao's liver. Another mighty clang sounded, and a mighty jet of wind blew back around Misao.
The blow had all of Shampoo's force and the armored girl's momentum, but not even the power of a counter could dent the armor. Meanwhile, the grass behind Shampoo was ripped up and scattered just from the puff of air pressure passing over it. Shampoo, undaunted, let out a yell hit the armor again but nothing happened.
Was it invincible?! No, that was impossible!
"Come on bitch, put your back into it!" Misao snapped, stomping a foot and shattering the ground beneath the girl's feet.
"What do I do?" Shampoo thought as she scrambled away from the collapsing ground. "What can I do?"
Even as she wondered this, those damnable scissors returned, joining Misao's flanks and snapping their jaws at Shampoo like starving dogs looking for a bite. After their intimidating display, they propelled themselves forward to take those bites.
"No, no, no!" Shampoo screamed, ducking and darting away from the snapping jaws, but it was a close thing each time.
It could be said that a full body punch from Ryoga Hibiki was nothing to laugh at. Indeed, on most human opponents, such a thing would result in grievous injuries. But what he faced wasn't a human opponent but something created to dominate things beyond human.
Misao didn't even feel the impact, as with Shampoo's blows and Ryoga's strike before the armor absorbed it quite readily. Still, a bug getting on you needed to be swatted at to remind them who was the greater being. Without staying her scissors, she turned ever so slightly and tapped the boy's forehead with a finger.
The poke itself barely felt like anything, but the massively displaced air hit Ryoga in the face like a kick from Ranma, sending him to his ass and dazing him for a moment.
Satisfied he was down for the moment, Misao turned back to watch the cornered Amazon.
"How do I win? How do I win?" Shampoo hadn't given up, for she still had her mind. The cunning that marked her the greatest of her generation and made her so very deadly. Indeed, she could think and formulate a plan for anything, even something short of a god.
But time was a precious resource she was being denied as her desperate dodging continued to rob her of the space to breath and allow a plan to live. She still had throwing knives but if the dao got obliterated by those demonic things, then her knives were worthless. What else could she bring to bear? Her melon hammer? She had discarded it already after losing its paired mate.
Forward she pitched herself over a particularly close snap of the scissors, one that surely would have shorn her in twain. What was she supposed to do against this anime bullshit?! Still, despite her frustration, she rolled to her feet and sprinted away once more.
Misao retracted the remote weapons, satisfied with watching Shampoo squirm. With her cute little pets hovering obediently at her side, she pointed a finger at her and their jaws opened wider–electricity charging between them before they unleashed bolts of lightning that crashed into Shampoo's feet, the ensuing explosion knocking her into the air.
If she were interested in ending it, she could easily send her scissors up and tear the helpless girl apart. But Shampoo had humiliated her and the favor would be returned in kind. She'd make the bitch piss herself in frustrated terror, her helplessness all too much of a forgone conclusion.
Then and only then would she deign it necessary to wipe the cunt out.
When you get down to it, the reason Misao loved video games, more than their capacity for fun and making money, was that it allowed her to make other people happy. She was probably the nicest person anyone could meet, honest and gentle to a fault. She tried to keep the peace and do her best to keep a smile on her face. If she could help other people be happy by telling dirty jokes and running around without a top, then she'd do it.
But that had been taken from her, that connection to people who needed her had been severed by this stupid bitch. The money was nothing, but their happiness, her happiness from being able to do something for people. It was all gone for now and it was going to be hard to get back to where she was before thanks to this shitpile that thought that everyone would roll over for her.
However, at the very core of it all, the key part to Misao's rage was that the danger to Ranma's life wasn't something held at bay by her castle's wall. The enemy had invaded her sanctum and came for this sweet boy who while making mistakes was honestly, earnestly living to make up for them. The thought that she could really lose him had spurred her forward to this end.
"No more worries Ranma," she thought, as she rocketed towards where the Amazon was trying to recoup after being sent flying. "Misao's gonna make it all better again."
Shampoo lolled her head over just in time to see that armored demon approaching again. Her reaction time was slowed but still enough to evade the punch that slammed into the Earth and sent dirt and Amazon both into the air. As she tumbled into the air again, she realized she was being toyed with.
By this useless lump of meat. Well, she certainly was of use now wasn't she? What could she do, what would work?
"Xian Pu!" Ryoga called as he managed to run under her and catch her from her fall. It was almost obvious to him they couldn't win like this but how could they flee? Where could they flee? All they had were questions when they needed answers. Still, they had to find some small purchase of time to plan and come up with some way of attack.
"Airen…" Shampoo murmured, feeling safe for the moment.
"I'm sure you were wondering," Katie said to Ranma as they watched well away from the hazard zone Misao had created. "Why, beyond anger, I'm not the one in the suit."
"It had crossed my mind." Ranma admitted.
"It's how Misao is." Katie said, sighing a little. "You really don't try to get her pissed because the more pissed she gets the more she feels she needs to do to calm down. She's nice and can laugh off a lot of things but once you've stepped over the line, she goes off."
She paused, thinking of a way to describe it.
"You know how the Golden Pair got wiped out? Well, last Christmas me and her had a run in with her during my first job as her bodyguard."
Ranma nodded. "What happened?"
"Well, the guy of the duo, Mikado Sanzenin, had this thing where he had to kiss every pretty girl he met, and the elusive Misao was his Christmas Gift to himself. He eventually got that kiss though, but he did it while she was on camera and chatting with her subs, and it caused this huge shitstorm."
Ranma scowled. "That jerk."
"Yeah, she ended up giving him a good slap across the face, and some unkind words were said, with him deciding that 'Kissing such a fat girl' was a mistake." Katie shook her head. "He said that on camera, too… and that just made the people raging at her even worse."
Kissed her without her permission, got her subscribers in a tizzy, and then called her fat on top of it. "What did she do?"
Katie huffed. "She called me over, and told me to beat the shit out of his skating partner."
Ranma gaped her. "His partner?"
She then let out a dark laugh. "Yeah, the girl half of that group, Azusa Shiratori, was not much better a person than Sanzenin. The little gremlin was a thief who liked to grab whatever she thought was cute. Anyone who tried to stop her would end up getting their ass kicked, and it was making the party a drag."
Ranma nodded. "And what did you do?"
Katie smiled fondly, recalling the catharsis of putting that one in her place. "I snapped all her ribs, crushed her legs, and nearly broke her back right over my knee before I tossed her into a swimming pool from 20 stories up."
All at Misao's instruction, and it was at that moment that she realized that she was in love with the palmtop tiger.
Ranma looked at her for a long second. "That's a lot worse than kicking someone through a clock tower."
"Oh I was a lot more anti-social when I first got here so I was a lot less restrained in expressing my anger." Katie looked back towards the fight. "Misao doesn't have any restraint at all. You take something from her, you break something, you threaten her or the people she loves… and she will end you."
Ranma shuddered. "It's almost like the Joketsuzoku…"
Katie gave him a sidelong look and smirked . "Then, can you imagine anything more poetic? Shampoo's picked a fight with her own dark reflection, and it aims to kill her."
A/N: Oh. Well, whoops.