A/N: Thank you to all of you who continue to read my story. I know now that they are out of school things have changed, but I will do my best to keep the story interesting. Anyway I wanted to mention a bit about Raelyn because I got a few messages about her. I thought I had hinted that she had something going on, but maybe it wasn't that clear. I tried mentioning in previous chapters that she was always sneaking around the castle and that she would sometimes be in Dumbledore's office, though no one knew why. And even though she was undercover, her personality hasn't changed. Don't worry, she will continue to be just as she has always been lol.
Anyway isn't this exciting? I've updated and it's only been about a week. Of course this chapter is vastly shorter than most, but I'm still happy lol and I hope you all enjoy it.
Music: Severus: The Reason- Hoobastank
Letters from a Deatheater
"At the temple, there is a poem called 'Loss' carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read 'Loss', only feel it." -Memoirs of a Geisha
23 December 19-
Daphne,
You left so suddenly yesterday before I had an opportunity to say anything. I realize you're upset, but you didn't give me a chance to explain myself. You must be thinking the worst of me right now. I saw the look of disappointment on your face and that is what I had been trying to avoid. I know I promised I would never lie to you, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell you when the time came. The thought of you being upset stopped my mouth from speaking. Now though, I will tell you everything and anything you ask me. Please give me a chance to inform you what is going on. I know I messed up, but you have to listen to me.
Severus
25 December 19-
Happy Christmas Daphne,
I have a gift for you waiting at my house. I'm not sure if you will like it, but it took me several hours to select. Right now it's snowing outside and the house is very empty without you. I suppose I've gotten used to having you around. Perhaps you are busy celebrating better than myself right now, but why haven't you responded to my last letter? Are you staying with your friends? I can't find you anywhere. I waited outside of your house yesterday, but you didn't answer or you never came home. Please, I have to speak to you in person. I'll meet you anywhere you say. Please just tell me where. I love you.
Severus
30 December 19-
I'm sorry. Please meet me.
2 January 19-
Dear Daphne,
It is now a New Year. The old year has passed and it is a time for new beginnings. I stayed inside all day to think of what I want, but the only conclusion I came up with was that I wanted to hear from you. I know I made terrible blunders, but can't you find it in yourself to at least hear what I have to say? I need to know where you are. Did you move already? I visited your old house and I saw that it's for sale. Where have you gone?
Sincerely, Severus
5 January 19-
Daphne,
You will not reply where I can meet you so I will do my best to explain it all in this letter. First I hope you understand that it happened a long time ago, before we were together. It happened the summer before seventh year. We weren't speaking at the time. It was my fault then too. I had hurt your feelings and told you that we weren't friends. When I think back on it, I still feel awful. I'm sorry for what I said then and for now. I thought…I don't know. They made it sound so great to follow such a powerful wizard. Through him I can be more powerful too and no one would be able to stop us. I thought it would be impressive at first. Somehow I thought you would be pleased. I realize now, I didn't think it through. After the Hogsmeade attack I knew you would never be impressed, but then it was too late. There is no going back once you join. So I stayed. I rationalized it was to keep myself safe, but it was really to keep you safe. If I knew what was going on, if I knew their movements, I could always keep you safe. Don't you see the advantage? No harm would ever come to you. You would always be protected. Still it distressed me to have to lie to you constantly about where I was going and I could see the strain in our relationship, but as I said before I couldn't bring myself to tell you. You were the first person to really love me for myself. The idea of disappointing you made me sick. There were many times I wanted to say it, but the words wouldn't form. Trust me when I say I didn't like lying to you. It hurt me every time I had too and every time I had to leave your side to join them. I just couldn't tell you though. I knew you would be upset and never look at me the same again. You might even leave me, and that thought I couldn't bare. I had to keep you no matter what the cost. For the hurt and betrayal you feel, I apologize a thousand times. That is all I can write here on paper, but if you meet me in person I can explain more. Please, I cannot go on knowing that you hate me. I love you.
Severus
14 January 19-
I'm very sorry. I know now that you will never be pleased by what I've done. I didn't realize. Please forgive me. I made a mistake. I should never have joined, but it sounded so promising. I see now that it is not if it takes me away from you.
Severus
26 January 19-
Where are you? I went to Godric's Hollow yesterday, but I don't know which house belongs to your friends. I wandered the village square hoping to run into someone who could help, but I didn't see anyone. You were right about the neighborhood though. It is exactly how you described it to me and I could almost picture you there living in one of the cottages. Is that where you have gone?
Severus
1 February 19-
Daphne,
I won't quit until you meet me. You have to see me, please. You just have to. I never meant to cause you any pain. I never meant to betray you or lie to you. You must know that I only ever wanted us to be happy. There is nothing I regret more now than hurting you. Please contact me. I can't take this silence anymore.
Yours forever, Severus
5 February 19-
Forgive me.
12 February 19-
Daphne,
You have to talk to me; I'm begging you. I'll do anything you want. I'll explain everything to you. Just meet me somewhere, anywhere. Where are you living now? I'll go see you the instant you reply me. Please let me see you. I need to see your face. I can't go on like this without you.
Forever yours, Severus
14 February 19-
I cannot sleep. I see only you. My thoughts are always on you. My life is for you.
23 February 19-
Dear Daphne,
I can't stop till I find you. I won't stop till you meet me. I'll look forever if in the end I get to see your face before me. You're everything to me. There is nothing I want more than you. Please tell me where you are. I need to look at you. I need to know that you're okay.
With love, Severus
4 March 19-
Daphne, please where are you?
What's happened? Even if you don't wish to see me, you have to write me something. I need to know how you are. So many unfortunate things are happening right now. When I read of the explosion in Diagon Alley, I immediately worried that you might have been there. I'm waiting to hear more news. Tell me you are unharmed. Write me anything. A single word is enough.
With concern, Severus
8 March 19-
You can't do this! You can't do this! Please, you have to meet me! You have to write me! You have to do something! I can't take this! Please!
16 March 19-
I'm sorry that I let you down. Forgive me. I'll do whatever you ask.
28 March 19-
Dearest Daphne,
I hoped against all hope that you would let me see you. I realize now that if you haven't spoken to me it's because you won't. Even though so much time has gone by, you still won't give me a word. Daphne I can only beg you to reconsider. Please don't do this. You have to think of us and reevaluate. I love you. We were so happy together before. I would do anything for you. Tell me what to do.
Your servant, Severus
4 April, 19-
I thought you loved me. How can you just forget me like this?
13 April, 19-
Daphne,
I know that you love me. You told me many times, just like I told you. Then how can you do this to me? I'm truly suffering Daphne. I need to hear from you. I need to see you. I've tried everything and still you won't forgive me. Please stop being so angry. You must talk to me.
Severus
21 April 19-
Daphne, you're being ridiculous!
I just did it to protect you! I did it for you! I've apologized a hundred different times and a hundred different ways. You just have to forgive me or at least tell me how you are. Is it so unreasonable for me to want to hear from my girlfriend?
Severus
24 April 19-
Talk to me damn it! You can't ignore me like this! I said I was sorry. You claimed that you loved me. Maybe that was all just a lie. If you loved me you would give me another chance. You would be brave and come see me. Maybe you're just a coward after all. Maybe it gives you pleasure to see people suffering. I suppose you're enjoying all of these letters. You and your friends are probably reading them over and laughing together. If you don't answer me now, I never want to see you again.
25 April 19-
Dear Daphne,
Forgive my last letter. I regret everything I wrote in there and I'm sure you know I meant none of it. Please understand that I was angry and hurt by your rejection and refusal to even acknowledge my remorse. It's difficult to cope with the idea that you won't forgive me or see me, you won't even write to me. I was furious because of that. I love you and I will admit I'm scared of losing you. With each letter I write I feel I'm losing you more and more. Please send me a reply. I beg you. I don't know what to do when you're not around. You make me a better person just by being there. I need you.
With love, Severus
3 May 19-
Dear Daphne,
It is clear to me now that I hurt you too much. The wound I inflicted is so deep even your warm heart cannot find a way to forgive me. I am a monster. I comprehend that with each letter that goes unanswered. I'm sorry for being so cruel to you. It was undeserved. You are so sweet and amazing. You deserve only the best things in life, not the love of a de.
Severus
7 May 19-
It's over. I can feel it. Not only can I feel it, I know it is my fault. I destroyed any hope of happiness we had together. There is nothing I regret more.
Severus
10 May 19-
Daphne,
Losing you is like losing my life, my reason for walking, and my reason for trying. I feel sick to my stomach and I cannot bear staying home anymore. You were part of the house and now you are missing from it. Without you my days feel so ordinary. The only tolerable part is when I receive an owl. For one minute I allow myself to imagine it could be from you. For one minute I feel hope, before succumbing to misery.
16 May 19-
Dearest Daphne,
The spring air is refreshing today. I went to the park to write this. As I sit, I try and think of what you did today. Where did you go? Who did you see? Were you in a good mood? What did you wear? Who did you bless with a smile? That person I envy above all others.
Yours always, Severus
20 May 19-
My heart hurts each time I think of what I've done to you. It is a burden I will carry forever and for that I'm very sorry.
Severus
26 May 19-
Dear Daphne,
Deceiving you is the worst thing I have ever done. I don't expect you to forgive me anymore. Even if you did, I could never forgive myself for destroying our future together. Your love meant everything to me and it was through my own foolishness that I have lost it. There are several things I regret in life, but none so much as this.
With much sorrow, Severus
30 May 19-
Daphne,
To be separated from you is like dying. I think of you constantly. There is a weight in my heart when I don't see you. Forgive the pain I have caused you. If I could take it all away, I gladly would.
Severus
10 June 19-
Dear Daphne,
I understand you do not want to hear from me, but I will continue to write to you. Thoughts of you keep me going and though it might sound selfish there is one more thing I must ask of you. As things in this world get worst, take care of yourself. Trust no one. If there is a fight, I beg you to run away. I know that you will not, you would not in Hogsmeade, but still I must try to convince you. If you ever need my help call me. I will protect you. I would rather see myself die than have any harm come to you. Treat yourself like the rare treasure you are and do not go running directly into danger. You are my love, my life, and my heart. I ask you to please always protect my heart if I cannot.
Your protector, Severus
17 June 19-
Daphne,
I live my days in utter torment. To think that we are under the same sky, look at the same stars at night. All I can do is think about you everywhere I go and it is driving me mad. Did you sit at this café hours ago? Did you walk this street today? Did we look at the same people?
25 June 19-
To be with you was a dream. I was always happy. I floated through the days.
6 July 19-
My love Daphne,
I hope you know you have ruined me for any other woman. For me, there is only you. There was never any hope of going back. I am lost to you. I sit and think of only you. My heart is full when I think of you. I imagine your face. I listen for your voice. I do not know what you have done to me. My heart aches for you. My hands long for your skin. My eyes long for your smile. My face misses your delicate touch. My soul longs for your warmth. I am overwhelmed in wanting you. I wake and think of you. I read and remember you. I walk and imagine you beside me. I eat and see you across from me. And when I sleep I dream and it is of you.
Missing you, Severus
22 July 19-
Daphne,
Did you forget about me? I try to tell myself that there is no way you could forget, just like I could never forget, but sometimes the fear creeps into me. You used to say you loved me. You used to call me Sevy. You used to grab my hand. You used to cry on my shoulder. You used to sneak into my bed. You used to run your fingers though my hair. You used to make me eggs. Remember?
31 July 19-
Daphne,
I love that you never stop talking. I love your round face and warm smile. I love that the only thing you can cook is eggs, rice, and cake. I would live on those three things forever if you made them for me. I love that you can talk to anyone, no matter how different from you they are. I love that you're so intelligent. I love that you have principles and morals that no one can corrupt. I love that your skin is so smooth all the time. I love that you help anyone who needs it. I love the way you always touched my hair. I love the clothes you wear. I love the ridiculous situations you are always in. I love the fiery temper you have. Basically I love you still.
Severus
3 August 19-
My lovely Daphne,
We will see each other again whether it is today, tomorrow, or in another life. Our love can endure everything. Our story is timeless. We will be together again in the future because we must be together. I have no life without you. I need you like food, water, and oxygen combined. And if a miracle happened where I would not need you, I would still want you.
Severus
8 August 19-
Dear Daphne,
I have come up with a plan. I hope it will soon go into effect. The time for change has finally come, you will see. If everything goes right I expect to see you soon. Even if it is just a glimpse, I will live with it the rest of my life. I will labor for forgiveness till you look at me again or till I die.
I am yours always, Severus
10 August 19-
Daphne,
Today I received a terrible blow. I still have not recovered. I was in Diagon Alley and I was sure I saw you there. I ran and ran for three blocks to catch you, but the streets were crowded. I couldn't find you. It was like losing you again.
Severus
17 August 19-
Daphne,
I have spoken to Dumbledore. I have made several mistakes, some unforgivable. I hope now to pay for all of my sins. The biggest one being losing your trust and your love. I cannot write exactly what is happening. It isn't safe, but you will soon find out. I want you to know I'm doing all of this for you, in hopes that one-day you will forgive me, speak to me, look at me, and even love me. My hopes are high, I know.
Everything now is for you, Severus
11 September 19-
Daphne,
Perhaps I will see you soon. I'm not certain what I would do if I did. So much time has passed; your beauty might freeze me in place. Or overwhelming emotions might take over me and I will wrap you in my arms. I am nervous now even as I write. What will it be like to be near you again? There is much I have to say to you still. I will eagerly await the moment.
All of my love, Severus
23 September 19-
My love Daphne,
I want to feel your hand in mine. I want to see your smile. I want to feel your head on my shoulder. And your lips…I will not dare wish for them. The mere memories of your kisses torment me. They send me into bouts of depression. For never was I happier than when you bestowed one on me.
Severus
1 October 19-
Dearest Daphne,
It is no longer safe for me to contact you. This will be my final letter. The times we live in are dangerous and uncertain. Should I die I want you to know my love for you is immortal. Long after I am in the ground it shall still be there. Should I die I want you to know this:
I will love you always.
Severus
This is what Daphne would have read had she opened any of the letters.
E/N: Now I know I'm going to get some complaints about Severus' letters so I wanted to say a few things first. These letter may have seemed too romantic for some of you, but it is my belief that Severus is an undercover romantic (Do not proceed if you haven't read Book 7). In Books 1 through 6, I would have never thought Severus in this way, but it was Book 7 that did it for me. In Book 7, we got shown a different side of Severus that was in love with Lily. After insulting her in fifth year, he claimed he would wait outside of the common rooms until she came out and spoke to him. After seventeen years, we see him with a doe patrounus still. That right there just demonstrates the kind of love he has. Not to mention that he raids Sirius' room to find a picture of her, which he takes along with her signature. Ladies and gentleman this is a man who clearly loves hard. Naturally I could never imagine him saying any of this to Daphne in person, but when a person writes I think it's easier to express things that one would be embarrassed to say out loud. If you thought this wasn't accurate, sorry, but to me it fits. Anyway, I really hope some of you enjoyed this rare glimpse into Severus' mind lol. Let me know what you think!