Tourism 37: You may have to dump some luggage if you pick up too many souvenirs.

I soon realised that having to work out your issues without anyone to discuss them with was near futile. But I had little in the way of options.

Thoth let me out of the medical room a week later and I had not gotten any further in my pursuit of answers. However, I felt somewhat more grounded about the Tsukiyomi situation after talking with Susanoo. I still had many more troubling issues on my plate and, at least for a while, I could convince myself he had been muddled, just as I had been muddled. I could convince myself that he had become so caught up in understanding humans that he had forced emotions far beyond him. It wasn't too hard to believe. Convincing myself of such remained a temporary solution, but a temporary solution was better than none. So, quite calmly, I set Tsukiyomi to the back of my mind (with the passing notion that I would one day have to revisit him) while I focused on the bigger, more glaring quandaries.

From the moment I awoke, alone in the woods, subject of blood loss and trauma, I remembered my dreams. These dreams had never been so tangible. But now I remembered every damn one. A wall within my psyche had collapsed and the night visions had come pouring through in vast quantity. I hadn't really noticed until my first night unaccompanied in the first aid room. They had snuck to the forefront of my mind when I least expected it, just as I was trying to sort out my addled state. Somehow I knew they had always been there, but it was still surprising and perturbing. I could recall these strange dreams (and many times nightmares) vividly. They were painfully realistic at times despite the fact they couldn't be real. It was like I was watching a completely alternate childhood play out before my eyes. Every night I struggled with sleep, unsettled, and eventually slipped off into another lucid dream.

Yet, there were still problems I rated worse. After all, what's a dream? What could a dream be worth compared to losing all control over body and mind? I had called myself mad back on that night. I had told Hades that poor Alice Roth had slipped into madness. But that wasn't quite right, was it? Now that I had had the time to dwell on that horrid event my impression of my mental state had changed. In an abstract sense, for it was only abstracts that allowed me to have any semblance of comprehension, there was a fine veil before my mind and eye that shifted and rose, but also clumped together and twisted itself into dense knots. That night this figurative veil had shifted drastically and, for a blink in time, was gone entirely. In that moment the air had been thick with a sharp acidic taste – copious and coppery. Lighter fluid, marmite, soot and fresh decay. It had vanished quickly however and I realised that maybe some of what I had smelt and tasted could very well have been my own blood.

That moment – the instant Balder had torn through my stomach – had alerted me to the force that fizzled in the air when the veil shifted. Magic, or something of the sort, was the thought that had popped into my head as I sat, staring out of the window, in the medical room. But that is where I was left at a dead end. As sure as I was now that it was magic that had seized control of me (and still seemed to when I tried to talk of it), I couldn't work out a source. Zeus had already made clear his stance on the energy he though improvident to waste on Alice Roth and, if my stupid tattoo was any indication, his magic was surely painful and incredibly conspicuous. Zeus obviously was not often a fan of finesse. The other gods' power had been cut-off and I highly doubted the logical Thoth would have anything to do with it. Knowledge seemed to be the power he favoured and he was neither cruel nor furtive.

Balder though, came my whispers in the night, he broke whatever authority Zeus had over him.

With his transformation Balder had become far mightier than Zeus. I could sense it, taste it even, and in some strange way the feel of it was rather appealing – a feeling I cursed viciously for my inability to understand. That was the problem though. I didn't understand this magic, but it was not like the veil. I considered that maybe his magic had cut through that fine screen before it quickly stitched itself back together. I was stumped again. I had nothing, nothing at all (except for a fear of Balder which could take its prestigious place right next to my gymnophobia).

Whatever had happened to Balder that night, it had been terrifying. No matter how much I had seemed to enjoy it at the time, in that alternate form of myself that I had since unwittingly began to label as Miss Wonderland (a name that sent chills across the back of my neck), it had not been fantastic. It had not been worthy of an encore. I never wished to see Balder that way again. But surely Miss Wonderland does...

I walked away from the medical room, Thoth watching me drift down the hall with his keen eyes. It hurt to walk but I hadn't let it show. Thoth would only keep me in there for longer, that or confine me to my room instead. I've never liked being cooped up. I needed to wander.

So I did. I wandered, through the grand gilded halls, past rooms filled with those insipid ghost students (a mere artifice of a different world), down the steps to the outside grounds where winter had nearly faded (for once the git had let a season go on uninterrupted) and headed to the outskirts of the woods. Eventually, I found myself at the place I had fallen unconscious at the Christmas market, behind the western side of the school, several paces past the tree line. I walked by a fallen tree, one that had been cut dead through the middle. That was Balder's damage. I crouched down at the shunted dirt where my body had lain and saw patches of congealed red in the dark clumpy earth. That was Balder's damage too.

"Alice," – I jumped – "what a coincidence seeing you here. Out for a stroll as well?"

I nearly fell face first into the blood patch from the shock, but I managed to use my momentum to shift the dirt so that the blood became hidden and as a result I landed, flipped, on my backside. I hissed through gritted teeth as a jolt of pain ran through my midsection. The interloper was Loki, of course. I rolled my eyes, heart still pumping a little too fast and my stomach falling into a spasm, as he stood a little ways off. He had clammed up, with his smirk drooping, as he stared, eyes dilated with what must have been alarm and unregistered guilt.

I threw an arm out to prompt him from his unresponsiveness, offering him an out in the form of a request for help, and said sarcastically, "Come on, Loki. We both know you stalked me out here."

I was surprised to see his eyes widen further, only a second, before he fell into his casual strut and approached me to help me up. We both knew I had inadvertently managed to hit the nail on the head but neither of us brought it up.

"So, yeah. I'm out for a nice nature walk." I told him awkwardly, as he pulled me to my feet. "Thoth finally let me out."

"Yeah. I'd heard you'd be getting out sometime soon, but Thoth wouldn't tell the class when because he didn't want everyone to swarm you like when you woke up. Clearly you wouldn't have minded though. You were lapping up the attention before." He tried to bring about that derisive tone he had so often used around me, but it wasn't quite what it used to be. It didn't have the same bite or twang. Instead, it sounded rather muted. He tried to hold himself as he always did, he tried to speak as he always did, but it just didn't have the same effect because, as he watched me brush myself off, something in his head was evidently conflicting. To what was conflicting I didn't know.

I replied flatly, a brow raised, "Yes, I was dying for some good old attention. Literally."

His inner conflict only seemed to grow as an expression of remorse passed over his face. No god seemed to enjoy the idea of pain or fragility and stupid Alice Roth just kept on bringing it up. I really had to learn how to curb my tongue.

I changed topics. "I haven't talked to you since the Christmas market when you stormed off. I guess that was more me talking at you than an actual conversation though." I forced myself to be chipper and unruly, like I always was. It appeared both Loki and I were having trouble being ourselves. "How's life treating you, Loki?"

"S'alright..." he mumbled before looking up at me, disgruntled, "Look, about that night—"

"I don't remember anything!" I said, much too quick.

His eyes narrowed briefly, but then the smirk returned full throttle. "Yes, everyone knows how little you know about that night." He stepped back a few feet and sat on one of the felled trees, one of the trees felled by Balder. "Well now that you've brought it up, maybe we can try and jog your memory together. It can be a little bonding session."

He sat there, with that stupid smirk, and patted the log, beckoning me to join him. My eyes darted about nervously for a moment and I hated that it was so easy for him to notice. He did not mention my sudden unease. Heaven knows he had many strange mood swings that I never brought up.

I had to wonder: was it coincidence? Was is coincidence that he sat on what was the wake of Balder's destruction so calmly, back to his usual simpering self? He had been there that night. He had known about whatever had overcome Balder beforehand. It had scared him. Yet, he sat on that log so simply. If you looked closely you could still see small singe marks across the torn bark.

Because Loki had flicked the metaphorical switch on his personality it became substantially easier for me to do the same. I bounded over to the log, grinning buoyantly. "Well I can't say no to a bonding session, Loki. But we shouldn't worry about me. I've had plenty of time to try to remember everything and haven't gotten anywhere. I think I should help you out instead."

Loki eyed me warily. "Oh really?"

"Yes really," I said, plopping myself down on the log.

"But I was looking forward to helping you out, Alice." He tried to be sickeningly genuine but I could almost hear the grating of teeth through his smirk. He was pushing his agenda and it was putting both him and me on edge. But I didn't let it show. "I've realised I like talking to humans. It's interesting." I bet it physically hurt him to grind that one out.

"Aww, see how much nicer you are when you solve your problems. You've learnt to accept that there are humans in your midst and you're even interested in them." It was very strange to reference my species in third person (even though I sometimes reference to myself in that way). "I'd like help you, Loki. It's the least I can do after all. You were there by the lake with the others. You helped me when I was injured. Now I'm gonna help you."

I didn't really know if he had helped me. I was just assuming and hoping in order to pull on his tiny, tiny heart strings. Luckily, I had guessed right. He stuttered, which I knew he hated, and his smug expression deflated somewhat. "I-I... I did. I guess we can talk about me. I was going to ask you for a suggestion before you interrupted me anyway."

I gasped and it was mocking, teasing, because that is as 'Alice Roth' as I could make myself. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be completely me at that time. It was hard to feel entirely like myself when Miss Wonderland could be lurking in a crevice of my mind. "You actually want to hear advice from me. How surprising! Last time I tried to give you my words of wisdom you went off in a strop. Actually, I'm seeing a pattern. I think you walking off in a strop is the problem. I've seen you do it a lot, you know."

"Words of wisdom!" Loki exclaims in disbelief, but then mollified himself as I aim him a sideward grin. He deemed me smarter than he let on. I was sure of it and he knew it. There was no point pretending anymore.

"Uh-huh. Wisdom. So Kiki, what was it you were going to ask?"

"Kiki?"

"Yep, take away the 'lu' and you get a 'ki'. Kiki." When he gave me a displeased look I told him, "We're bonding. You get a nickname for this exchange. You can give me one too."

"Take away the 'a' and you get 'lice'?"

"Oh ha ha," I drawled but smiled all the same. I wasn't as anxious now. I had moved the conversation away from me and he hadn't complained too much. I hoped he hadn't realised what I was doing. Maybe he just thought I was being the usual me. "Whatever. You can call me Lice. I don't mind. Just tell me your question."

"Okay, Lice. Here it is. Imagine that you're trying to help a friend—"

"Alright, I'm imagining."

He lets out an involuntary hiss. He was probably so used to the reaction around me that it probably just happened naturally now, despite the semi-friendly terms we seemed to be acting on. "Well done." he congratulates me dryly, before continuing. "This friend has issues and suddenly someone is trying to get involved in your friends business—"

"Do we really need to keep alluding to this 'friend'? I know who you're talking about."

"Alice," he growls.

"Right, right. Sorry."

"This person who is involving themselves – you need to stop them somehow, for your friend's sake, for their sake... So you pull them aside and pretend to take advantage of them, to lead them astray or scare them, and— Damn it! Is guilt always like this?"

I never fully processed the story. If I had, I may have had some forewarning.

I could only stare at Loki, speechless. It took me a moment to summon words and when I did they were so stupidly inappropriate. "Répétez, s'il vous plaît."

"What?"

Then the outrage came. "You took advantage of Yui?" I scrambled up from the log, mind turning to mush as I tried to make sense of what I had just heard. I needed to be sure I had heard right, which I had. The grounds were so silent. It was only me and him. I had heard him right.

I made use of my standing position to bear down on Loki, looming over him to the best of my ability. Such a directly threatening stance was not something I had practice in so I probably looked rather pathetic really, but at least I had the upper ground in this argument. I wanted him to feel small. "Oh and here I was thinking you weren't some sick fuck. Silly me! I guess, then, maybe you did molest me before, huh?"

I felt my limbs trembling in the sudden arrival of pent up confusion and anger. For an instant, I thought that I now knew what it felt like to be Susanoo, but then the thought was gone because I was too busy aiming a kick at Loki's shin.

"Argh!" he cried, failing in pain and falling off the back of the back of the log. "No, Alice—"

"Kusanagi Yui. Of all the people!" I couldn't even conceive the thought. Yui, poor Yui: my fellow human in this lonely convoluted garden, the girl who I had bunked with since day one, the friend who had sobbed for me after my fatal injury. She was quite possibly the purest person I had ever met. What had Loki done to her? How had he touched her? I had to wonder if she had resisted his advances or obediently allowed them. Both notions were equally disturbing.

I kicked again, at the ground, and dirt sprayed everywhere as I turned on Loki. "Gods! Yes, gods like you, gods who don't know the limit and can't hold themselves back. Excuse me for the racism, but you're all the same. You being the worst of them all, Loki!"

By this point Loki had moved away, quite a distance from me now. He held up his hands, in a placatory manner. "You're misunderstanding, Alice. I said 'pretend'! Weren't you listening? I said 'pretend'!"

I was beginning to dither at the sincerity of his tone, but I was angry, I was caught up in the moment and, in the end, it was always a game between Loki and me. We could never truly pinpoint guise or truth, not when we put the effort in.

"You can't 'pretend' to take advantage of someone, creep!" I snatched up at twig from the ground and threw it at him. He managed to skitter out the way before it made contact, but I felt a distinct pleasure in seeing him in such a flap.

He must have realised he wasn't getting anywhere by trying to conciliate and so he converged on me, leaping over the log, just as I grabbed for another stick. He seized my wrists before I could throw and now I was stuck a step away from Loki with a thorny twig between us, jutting against our chests, scratching at fabric.

There was something wild in his eyes, something unloved, and it seemed so very authentic. I wanted it to be, gods, yes, I wanted it to be. I wanted something concrete. There were too many unknowns at that time, too much for me to think about. For once, I wanted something at face value. But this was the trickster, master of smoke and mirrors. I mirrored him. It was a loop in which we bounced off of each other, always reflecting, never stopping to absorb. In fact, I was always the mirror. Did I not see myself in Tsukiyomi? Did I not see myself in Hades? Did I not always play along? Always succinctly following the script... Isn't that right, Miss Wonderland? I wanted to claw at my own head. I wanted to scream. I wanted the thing in my head gone. But, the show must go on.

"Can you stop painting me as a pervert for a minute and listen?" Loki said and he looked so pained that there was no feasible thing I could do but listen. "Thank you."

He stepped back, releasing me, and my twig fell to the floor. I watched it lie on the ground, counting down from ten – deep breaths – then I looked up. He was ready to explain when I met his eyes and I was ready beat on, forge ahead, continue, continue... "I didn't do anything to her. I just wanted to know, for sure. I wanted to catch her out. I thought she was the unsavoury type. I was convinced about her, but now... I'm not so sure anymore. I feel guilty. I've been cruel and she's none the wiser. I don't know how to deal with it."

"Start being nice to her, I guess. What else is there?" I sighed sadly and, after a beat of silence, voiced my question into the open air. "Why do we always fight, Loki?"

He didn't reply for some time. When he did, he tried to blasé, however, he did not seem so sure of himself and his words formed with the lilt of a question. "Because you burnt my crotch?"

"Yeah." I grimaced. "I did do that, didn't I? Weird."

"Instead of saying 'weird' you could always apologise."

"Yeah, no, of course. Sorry. I mean, it's just weird, right? That I did that. Kinda random."

"How can you even question the things you do? Aren't you always random?"

"I guess..." I said and, once again, brought up the fighting, because I really wanted an actual answer this time. "You know, someone once hinted that you fight with me because it's the only way you can show affection."

"Balder?"

I flinched at the name. "Yeah."

"Nobody knows better than Balder." He blew a puff of air, still coalescing into white in the waning winter. I imagined him to be blowing out the pretences we had held so dearly previously, now lost in the wind. "But, it doesn't matter, does it? We can still fight. This—" He gestured to us, the tense space we still hovered in. "—doesn't have to change anything."

"Sometimes change is good, Kiki." I intoned quietly. "I'm tired and this fighting is exhausting."

I was surprised to be laughed at, to see Loki chuckling away before me. To be honest, it was rather disturbing. It was much too out of place. "What? No, of course it isn't. Don't be silly, Alice. It's fun."

I wetted my pale lips, in a building agitation that Loki seemed unable to properly key into. He was stuck, smirking, brushing things off. This was his loop and I had been pulled into it. The fighting wasn't fun, not anymore. It was repetitive and too much. We both had our own baggage and I couldn't be expected to deal with it all. "I don't know what it is to you. I don't know if it's some kind of escape, or if it's a game, or if it's just your dodgy socialisation skills. Whatever it is, I don't want to be part of it anymore. I'm done with the competitions and the teasing. So, next time you see me, don't even try."

It was at that point that I stepped away. I brushed past him and it was sad, because I knew that in doing so I was sacrificing something else. As confusing and strange as it had been, for a while, our fights had been enjoyable (in their own messed up way). I had left Loki at the most open he had ever been and, with later reflection, I realised that probably wasn't good for his mental state. Yet, I had to do what was good for my mental state.

I was so alone in this. I was trapped inside my own head and, to be honest, I think Loki probably felt the same way. Even so, I chose to ostracise him – just like Tsukiyomi. Who would be next? Hades? I only did it because it was easier. I couldn't deal with the drama, not with everything else I had to work out.

But really, wasn't I just becoming the spectator that Miss Wonderland wanted?

So this is a thing that happened. I can't believe I did this when I should have been studying.

Also, I've only really realised now that Alice and Loki's conversations are actually rollercoasters. Literal rollercoasters. And now Alice is just throwing out all her friends like trash. Why Alice? Whyyyyyyy?

And thanks for the reviews. I'm liking the theories.