Yes, yes, I'm an ass. Sorry for the late update. I had a few weeks off from school so the beach was calling to me on the daily. Unfortunately for me, summer classes are in now in full swing. Fortunately for you that means updates more frequently. I tend to write when I should be doing homework. :o
* … * … * … * … *
"Tell me about what happened on Monday."
Quinn doesn't answer just like she hasn't answered any of the other questions during the past half hour. Instead she stares warily at the therapist sitting across from her – a round, wide-eyed, gray-haired woman who, despite her kind face and sweet voice, Quinn hates. She doesn't want to speak with this woman. She wants to speak with Will or Kurt or Mercedes. Even her mother would be preferable.
A full minute passes before the woman speaks again, "You're going to have to keep coming here instead of school until we work through your issues, Quinn. I don't mind but something tells me that you'd rather be with your friends than with me."
Quinn folds her arms over her chest and cocks an eyebrow. Can't hold her silence at the woman's presumptuous tone. "And just what issues do you think I need to work on?"
The therapist smiles, "Well, you tried to kill yourself, Quinn. Something must be bothering you."
"And what makes you think that I would talk to you about it?" She knows she's being bitchy. She doesn't care. She finds the old lady insufferable.
"Like I said, if you want to get back to your life..."
Quinn cuts her off angrily, "What life? I'd like to get back to my friends, yes, but I don't exactly have a life to get back to. Whether I'm sitting here with you or them or by myself, it doesn't matter."
"And why is that?"
"Haven't you heard all the sordid details?" Her voice is incredulous.
The therapist looks on calmly, "I've heard the stories, yes."
"Then you know what happened. You know why I can't move on. You know why I don't deserve to move on!" The woman is seriously pissing her off.
"Why don't you tell me about it?"
"Why don't I not?" She musters up her best bitch face. The therapist doesn't bite.
"You're going to have to eventually, Quinn. I'm not pushing you but when you're ready..."
"Yes you are! Everyone is pushing me! My mom pushed me back into school! The teachers push me to do work that I don't want to do! My friends push me to act normal, to act like everything is okay! The only person who doesn't push is Will and he's the only person who has any right to!"
"Will? Mr. Schuester?"
"He doesn't like to be called that anymore!"
"Okay," She writes something in her notebook and Quinn wonders what it is. If it's good or bad or insightful or meaningless. The thought makes her head feel light, "Why would he have the right to push you when no one else does?"
"Because I owe him." She mutters quietly.
"Do you actually owe him or do you just feel that way? Do you think he expects anything from you?"
"He doesn't expect anything from me. That's not the type of person he is."
"Maybe the only person who is pushing you Quinn, is you. You're very hard on yourself."
"Because no one else is! I killed a child! Do you know how that feels?!" There are tears on her cheeks now. She can't stop them.
"You didn't kill anyone. It may feel that way but the man who hurt you killed Rebecca."
"Becky. Her name was Becky and he killed her because I told him to. I had a choice between her and Will and I choose her. That's part of the reason that Will is the way he is now. He snapped. Do you know how long he clung to her corpse for? Do you know what I had to do to put an end to it?"
"No. Would you like to tell me?"
Quinn opens her mouth to speak but the clock catches her eye first, "Time's up."
And then she's out the door and walking past her mother and towards the exit.
* … * … * … * … * … *
"Honey, Rachel Berry is here and she made cookies. Isn't that nice?" Quinn's mother knocks lightly on her door. Rachel is behind her holding a plate of bright pink, star-shaped, sugar cookies, a smile on her face.
Quinn isn't sure whether she's annoyed or happy to see her. After the therapist session, she headed straight to her room and stayed there for three hours. This is the first interruption to her solitude...and she's not sure if it's a welcome one. "Hi, Rachel."
Last year it would have been 'Get lost, Man Hands'.
Maybe some changes are good.
"Hello, Quinn. I hope you don't mind me coming over. I baked you some cookies. They're my famous sugar cookies. I've been told they are good at cheering people up."
"Can Rachel come in, honey?" Her mom pipes in and Quinn nods.
Rachel enters. Her mother leaves. Quinn isn't sure how she feels about that trade off. Really, she isn't sure about much these days.
Rachel moves to sit on the bed. Clutches the plate in her hands and stares at her knees. They sit in awkward silence for a long minute before Rachel speaks, "How are you, Quinn? I heard about what happened on Monday and I'm truly sorry about everything you're going through."
"Thank you, Rachel." She doesn't answer the 'how are you' part – she doesn't want to but, she takes pity on Rachel and reaches forward to pluck a cookie off of her plate. She nibbles on it slowly. Watches the crumbs fall to her blanket where they sit innocently next to her cell phone.
"I thought maybe we could watch a movie or something. AMC is playing West Side Story at five and I'm not sure if you've seen it or not but, it truly is a classic. Natalie Wood and..."
"Sure, Rachel." She mostly agrees to shut her up. It's not that she minds company, really – as long as the company is quiet.
Rachel's face lights up, "Fantastic! I truly thought you were going to say no but I'm very glad that you agreed. I think you'll really love the movie!" She stands and places the plate of cookies on Quinn's dresser as she speaks, "And if you like this one maybe next time Finn can join us and we can watch Funny Girl. He's never seen it and..."
"Finn?" Quinn is only half-paying attention but his name catches her interest and suddenly she wonders what Rachel's motives for movie night truly are.
"Yes, well, he's my boyfriend and I know you have been spending time together recently..."
"Um...we haven't really. We've talked and we've exchanged texts and we were going to start having lunch together but since I can't go back to school until..."
Rachel interrupts, "Oh, I thought it was more serious than that some how. He...never mind. The movie is going to start in a couple of minutes, should we go down stairs?"
Quinn stares at her for a long moment but then nods her head. If Rachel wants to use her to try to get Finn back, she doesn't really mind all that much as long as that's what Finn wants too. She wants him to be happy. Besides Will and maybe Puck, he's the only boy who she's ever considered having a relationship with. She'll text him later and ask him about it. Right now a movie doesn't sound at all unpleasant. She stands, grabs her phone, and follows Rachel down stairs where they sit together on the long couch in the den and watch the Jets and the Sharks sing and dance around the screen.
The movie is about half-over when her phone buzzes. Rachel glances at her hopefully for a second before she looks back to the screen. Quinn takes pity on her, "It's not Finn."
Rachel nods and keeps her eyes on the screen.
5:46 pm Message from Will Schuester: Kurt wants to buy me a new wardrobe. I'm not sure how I should feel about this...
She snorts and Rachel looks at her fully then – a sad expression clouding her eyes. Quinn is so happy that Will is joking with her that she turns the phone and allows Rachel to read the screen. Rachel smiles slightly, "Tell him he'll end up wearing sequin bow ties and skinny jeans if he lets that happen."
5:48 pm Message to Will Schuester: Rachel doesn't seem to think you could pull off sequin bow ties and skinny jeans
"And how is he? Mr. Schue, I mean. Is he...is he doing better?" Her voice is very quiet as if the sound might frighten Quinn away. And it's just silly because Quinn is actually feeling elated right now.
She doesn't need a shrink. She just needs Will.
"He's...I'm not sure. He called yesterday and we talked for a second but I've only talked to him twice since..." She trails off. Her phone buzzes again. She wouldn't have finished that sentence anyway.
"I saw him a couple of weeks ago."
"Finn told me."
5:50 pm Message from Will Schuester: Sequin bow tie and a feather boa. Black. I like to keep things tasteful.
"He didn't look too good while we were over there." Rachel whispers and Quinn looks up from her phone for a moment to regard her.
"How so? Finn told me he wasn't talking much but there is a reason for that." She's not going to tell Rachel the reason. She's not going to speak about Monster's games. She's not going to speak about him at all. "He has a hard time remembering things and staying focused. The nurse in the hospital told me that he had a couple of skull fractures and a severe concussion so it's to be expected. He's joking around again though so I think that means he's healing."
"He attacked Finn."
Her voice is so quiet that Quinn struggles for a moment to realize what she has said. "What do you mean? Finn has been over there..."
"The first time we went over. Weeks ago. We used Coach Sylvester's key and he attacked Finn. He didn't know what he was doing. I think it was a fight or flight thing. It was my fault. I shouldn't have suggested using the key. That's why Finn is mad at me."
Quinn's mouth falls open slightly. That makes five times. Will has attacked five different people and that's just the people that she knows about. There could be others. As far as she knows though, Finn was the last.
It's fine. He's fine. It's the past. He's healing.
"I'm not mad at you. It's been a hard few months for everyone." Her voice comes out harsher than she means it to but Rachel doesn't seem to notice. Her shoulders sag in relief and she looks back to the TV.
5:54 pm Message to Will Schuester: If you're going for understated, don't let him talk you into a skirt.
The movie plays on. Rachel is paying apt attention despite the fact that she has probably seen this movie twenty times. Quinn has never seen it but doesn't really care that she can't bring herself to focus on it right now.
5:55 pm Message from Will Schuester: Now I have to change...
She snorts again and Rachel looks at her. She doesn't share this time though. "Can you ask him if Finn is there? If he's up to answering question like that, I mean."
"He's not brain dead, Rachel. He knows who is over his place." She snaps but she starts to type out the question anyway.
"I'm sorry. That's not what I meant..." Rachel looks away nervously, waiting for a reply.
5:56 pm Message to Will Schuester: Is Finn over there? Rachel wants to know.
The reply comes back almost instantly.
5:56 pm Message from Will Schuester: Yeah. We're playing cards.
Quinn shows Rachel the message and Rachel nods and faces the TV again. A slight frown on her face.
5:57 pm Message to Will Schuester: Kurt and Finn are there? What are you playing?
5:59 pm Message from Will Schuester: And Puck. I've eaten too much MSG lately...Chinese takeout and Rummy. Finn said no more video games.
6:00 pm Message to Will Schuester: West Side Story with Rachel. I think you might be having a better night than me.
6:01 pm Message from Will Schuester: Perhaps not. You didn't have to witness the cutthroat game of Rock Band that went down earlier.
Quinn smiles wide and Rachel turns her head again to regard her. "Do you love him? I get that look on my face whenever Finn talks to me too."
Quinn looks up. She had almost forgotten Rachel was in the room. "Do I love him? Yes. More than anything."
"But...it's Mr. Schue. I admit I had a thing for him at one time but that was just..."
"Will. It's Will and I know who he is." Quinn's eyes go back to her phone. Fingers flexing to type out her reply.
"You're 17. Are you sure it's love and not just some sort of hero worship. Sometimes people who are in dangerous situations together..."
Quinn interrupts. Rolls her eyes, "Rachel, don't psychoanalysis me. We spent every moment together for over two months. I can tell you pretty much everything about him. What he likes, what he hates. I can tell you his damn shoe size if you wanted me too. I know what this is and it's love. This is it for me. Even if he doesn't feel the same way, I'll wait until he does."
"And what if he never does...what if he never feel the same way?" Rachel asks quietly and Quinn isn't sure whether or not she's referring to her situation with Will or her own situation with Finn.
"Then I'll wait forever."
Rachel nods but Quinn doubts she agrees.
6:05 pm Message to Will Schuester: I'll call you when Rachel leaves
* … * … * … * … * … * … *
Who knew video games and cards could lead to such an embittered rivalry?
Will opens his door at 3:30. Puck and Finn haul Finn's X-box and the plastic instruments that belong to Rock Band into the apartment and begin hooking the system up to the living room TV. Kurt follows a minute after, rolls his eyes at Finn and Puck's bickering, and heads into the kitchen.
Will can't decide whether to follow Kurt into the kitchen or sit in the living room to listen to the arguing.
He takes a shower instead.
When he emerges and enters the living room, the game is set up and three sets of eyes are staring expectantly at him. He takes the bass guitar that Puck hands to him mostly because he wants to cease being the center of attention. It works. The eyes turn towards the TV screen.
Kurt relents and plays vocals. Puck plays guitar. Finn plays drums.
Puck destroys them all the first round...and then the second...and then the third...and then the forth...fifth...sixth...seventh.
Kurt keeps staring at Will out of the corner of his eye – a half-smirk plastered to his face the entire time. Will doesn't know what that smirk means so he tries to avoid looking at it – keeps his eyes and mind focused on the game. He manages second place throughout most of the game. Kurt's full on smiling by the forth round.
Half-way through the seventh round, Finn throws down the drumsticks and refuses to play anymore. This starts another volley of insult trades between he and Puck. Will and Kurt watch the verbal sparring match silently until Kurt can't take it anymore and suggests that they order food and play cards.
Will agrees even though his stomach protests the idea of more take-out. Too much sodium, too much grease. He wants to suggest sandwiches and cookies but Kurt is already ordering Chinese by the time he works up the nerve to speak and so he remains silent.
He drinks a bottle of water to try to prepare his stomach for the impending onslaught of MSG. It doesn't work but when the food is delivered, he takes the plate of General Tso's chicken and white rice from Finn anyway. He doesn't want to hurt their feelings. He doesn't eat much of it though which causes both Finn and Kurt to eye him warily.
He doesn't want to puke on the cards though. Sue will probably make him a sandwich later anyway.
Kurt deals out the cards for Rummy as they eat. Will listens as the others talk – sports, cars, more sports, girls, boys. They stay away from sensitive topics and Will is grateful – nothing about the news or school or substitute Spanish teachers. Some how Kurt starts a discussion about men's fashion that doesn't seem to end despite the reluctance of the other three to join in. Puck and Finn couldn't care less about loafers and Ralph Lauren and Will is having a hard time focusing. The air in the apartment is too thick. The video game took too long. He needs a nap.
He settles on opening the windows to let the crisp air from outside circulate through the room.
The others watch him as he sits back down and picks up his cards. Kurt clears his throat and makes his move, "Look, I'm not saying we should change the school colors permanently but maybe for home games we could try something a little different."
"Dude, I'm not throwing a football while wearing canary yellow pants." Puck throws his own card into the pile a little roughly.
"Not canary. Maybe a nice pastel. Or Goldenrod."
"I'm...not sure what that is." Finn frowns. Shovels more chicken into his mouth and picks up the pile of cards.
"It's yellow." Kurt rolls his eyes, "Neither of you have any class. Are those clothes from Target? You know there is a Banana Republic at the mall, right?"
"Dude, all I can afford is Target. I can pick up a shirt, underwear, and dip all in the same trip. Don't fuck with Target."
Will fidgets uncomfortably. The last time he was at Target, he was being pistol-whipped and shoved into the back seat of his own car with Quinn.
Quinn.
He makes his move. Eyeballs his phone.
"Whatever." Kurt mutters. "Will, you're clothes are a bit big on you. Maybe I could help you update your closet? I have gift cards!"
He smiles and Will clears his throat, "Uh...I like my clothes. But sure, Kurt, if you'd like. Sometime maybe."
Puck and Finn start barking at each other about cheating again. Will isn't sure how to cheat at Rummy but his mind is too fuzzy to pay attention to their words. His head hurts. His stomach hurts. He needs something else to focus on.
Quinn.
He sends her a text. Keeps the topic light. They exchange texts back and forth for a while and his conversation with her helps. He makes it through the rest of the game and actually manages to win in the end.
Finn suggests a rematch and he can't suppress the smile when Kurt and Puck let out matching groans.
"What? It's still early. I don't have to be home until nine." Finn drums his fingers on the table
"No more cards, Dude. This shit ain't cool." Puck grumbles as he straightens out the deck.
"We could watch TV." Finn suggests hopefully. He just wants to stay a little while longer.
"No." Will answers reflexively before he can catch himself. Three sets of eyes look at him and he clears his throat to continue, "No TV, please."
"We could go for a walk or something," Puck suggests, "That shit ain't cool either but at least we could get some fresh air. It still smells like a swimming pool in here."
"It's bleach, Noah, and that's actually not a bad idea." Kurt agrees mostly because he wants to see how Will handles being outside the confines of his apartment. He did well with the video game and okay with the cards. It will be nice to tell Quinn something positive.
"Um. Guys, maybe that's not the best..."
Will interrupts Finn. He doesn't want to hear anymore arguing, "A walk is fine. Around the block a couple of times and then all of you should probably be getting home." It's dark and cold. No one will be outside and he could use the fresh air. He really wants to breathe the fresh air.
They stand and straighten up the apartment slightly. Pull on jackets and shoes and scarves and hats. Will walks close to Finn's side. Kurt leads. Puck takes the rear. They make it out of the building and start a slow pace up the street.
They walk in silence for which Will is grateful. His head is still pounding. His stomach is still rolling.
He kind of enjoyed walking around town the night of the vigil and he's enjoying the walk right now as well. He misses the smell of clean air – the chill of the wind on his skin. It's pleasant after being locked up for months – first in the basement, then the hospital, and then his apartment. Finn's massive frame to his left, Puck to his right, and Kurt's air of confidence in the lead help him feel protected and at ease.
He's fine. Nothing can hurt him. He can't hurt anyone. Everything is fine.
It's only a twenty minute walk but by the time they re-enter his building, he's exhausted and wants to shower and sleep. Quinn is supposed to call and Sue normally stops over. He appreciates their company but, he hopes his current companions aren't planning on staying much longer.
Fortunately, Sue helps him out once again. She's standing by his front door when they get back. A mix of emotions play across her face when she spots them – worry, anger, hope, pride, before it settles back into its blank mask, "Where have you been?"
"Uh – we just...we went for a walk, Coach Sylvester." Finn answers after none of the others do because that's sort of his place as a leader – no matter how much he doesn't want the job.
Sue nods. Hides her smile as four sets of eyes stare guiltily at her as if they've done something wrong when in fact, they've done something very right. She's pondered for weeks how to get Schuester out of the house. Ever since the disastrous trip to the grocery store, she didn't think she'd be able to pull it off again but all it took was three students suggesting a walk, and out he goes. She should tell them that she's proud of them. Instead she says, "You three should be getting home."
And they do. They take turns saying good-bye to Will and then they're down the stairs and heading towards the parking garage.
"How are you feeling, William?"
"I..." he fidgets nervously and then walks towards her - towards his door. "Can we go back inside?"
"Sure, buddy." She steps aside and he unlocks the door and lets them both in. "How are you feeling though? You look a little...green."
"It's...I'm okay." He doesn't tell her about the Chinese takeout even though she can probably smell it. He'll need to bleach the counters or something. He doesn't tell her about his headache either. He doesn't want to see the look of worry. She actually looks...happy right now.
"You should watch what you eat." She eyes the food containers with slight disgust, catching on quickly to the source of Will's queasy expression, "Your stomach isn't used to this type of food."
"The kids wanted to order out." He says simply, sitting on the couch and pulling off his shoes.
"Did you want to eat take out?"
"No." He pulls his sweatshirt off and throws it over the back of the couch. Sits back and rests his head.
Sue taps him on the top of the head and glares halfhearted down at his face, "Then next time open your mouth and say so." They lock eyes and she can't help but to smile slightly at him, "I'm glad you're letting them in though. And I'm...proud that you left the house today. You're making steps, William. Your mouth is even looking better."
He looks up at her. Returns the slight smile. Some how her words make him feel warm inside. He imagines it's how he would have felt as a child if his mother had ever told him that she were proud of him. "Thank you, Sue. For...for everything."
She squeezes his shoulder and then moves away. She's not good with emotion. She heads into the kitchen, comes back a few minutes later with a bowl of Cheerios and a cup of orange juice which Will accepts gratefully.
He eats and they watch a re-run of Everybody Loves Raymond.
"Feeling better?" She asks after his cereal is gone and the show is over. He regards her with tired green eyes and nods. "Good. Why don't you shower and head to bed? I'm sure your Glee kids will be over for another visit tomorrow so you should get some rest."
"I think I sleep too much. I'm always tired." His voice is very quiet as he stands and stretches. Wincing slightly at the pain in his head.
"Your body needs sleep to heal, William. You're fine." She stands as well, "I'm going to get going but I'll be by tomorrow night."
He nods. Considers simply heading to the bathroom to take his shower but her words from earlier are still playing through his mind – she's proud of him. Some one is proud of him. He steps forward and wraps his arms around her shoulders. Rests his head in the crook of her neck. There is a slight hesitation on her part but she hugs him back tightly. "Good-bye, Sue."
"Okay." And then she moves away and pulls on her coat and is out the door. And maybe he imagines it but he thinks there might be a tear-streak down her cheek as she leaves.
* … * … * … * … * … *
Rachel wouldn't leave. Even after the movie ended, she insisted on staying for dinner and her mother gladly dished out three plates of spaghetti instead of two. Quinn thinks her mom is glad for the company – someone to talk to who actually talks back.
That's fine.
But when the clock hits 8 and Rachel is still sitting at the Fabray's dinner table, Quinn excuses herself and heads upstairs. It's probably impolite but Quinn just can't bring herself to care, especially when she just wants to call Will. Just wants to hear his voice.
She sits on her bed and hits call over his name on her contact list. It rings several times and she's expecting it to go to voice mail but then there is a click and his quiet voice is in her ear, "Quinn."
She can't contain her smile at the sound of him on the other line. She lays on her side and hugs her pillow tightly to her chest. "Hey, were you sleeping? I'm sorry I didn't call earlier. Rachel won't go home."
"Yeah but it's okay. The guys and Sue didn't leave that long ago."
"Really? I'm kind of surprised Coach is being so nice especially after last year." He makes a little humming noise and she takes it to mean that he agrees. "How was the video game?"
"Finn doesn't like to lose." He answers. Yawns. "Especially to Puck. I thought they were going to fist fight at one point."
"Yeah, they've always been like that. They always have to one up the other. Did you end up with the sequined bow tie?"
"It's in the mail. One in every color so I don't need to worry about clashing."
"Excellent idea. Kurt is always thinking ahead." She laughs lightly. Tries to picture Will on the pillow next to her. "How is your head?"
"It's...getting better, I think." There is a long pause and then he clears his throat, "How was the therapist appointment?"
"It...she's a bitch. My mom is still making me go though so it's...whatever. I'll deal with it."
"I hope it helps."
"Talking to you helps." She answers assuredly.
"Quinn." Another pause, "I'm sorry I'm...it's hard to..."
"Talk. I know. I'm glad you're trying. I missed your voice so much. I miss you so much." He doesn't answer for a very long time and Quinn thinks maybe he has fallen asleep. "Will?"
"um. The guys are coming...they come over...in the afternoon. And Sue, she...I see her in the evening. If you wanted to...If your mom said it was okay..."
His voice is so low that even with her ear pressed up to the phone, it's hard to make sense of his words. "Will?"
"If she said it was okay, maybe, if you wanted to...you could come over too. Sometime." Pause, "To talk, I mean. Or I have puzzles. Puzzles with puppies on them. Because...you like puppies."
She laughs at that. She is so happy with the offer that she can't contain the giant smile as it spreads across her face. She can picture his nervous face as he speaks and a happy tear slips from her eye. "Of course! I'll ask her but I'm sure she'll say I have to go to a few more therapy sessions first. Wait for me?"
"Always." Another long silence, punctuated by Quinn's tears this time. "Only talking though, Quinn. We can't...the things that happened before..."
"I know. I know. It's okay. I promise. I just want to see you."
"Okay. I'm sorry – I'm really tired, Quinn. It's getting hard to stay awake."
"Go to sleep. I'll call you tomorrow and let you know what my mom says. I love you, Will."
"Don't." Silence again and she thinks he's gone but then his voice comes over the line one more time, "Good-night, Quinn."
She'll gladly do the therapy sessions if it means that she gets to see Will.
* … * … * … * … * … *
Rachel leaves Quinn's house and heads home about a half-hour after Quinn disappears up to her room with a unenthusiastic good-night.
She is pretty sure her attempt at reaching out to Quinn is mostly a bust. She'll keep trying but she needs to set her sights higher. If Finn is going to focus the majority of his attention on Mr. Schuester, then so is she.
She just needs to come up with a plan first.