Bored
Disclaimer: I do not own Animorphs.
Jake was away for a few days. Visiting some relatives of his, not mine. Tom stayed home so at least Jake didn't have to face that whole "do I kill my brother to save my father" thing again.
-Animorphs #37.
Like many things, having relatives who lived out of state had never been a huge problem before all of this started. Sure, driving out to see them (or flying if they lived really far away) had never been something I'd exactly enjoyed but it really wasn't all that big of a deal. Now, the trip would be just as boring as ever and I couldn't even go without killing the Yeerk in my head which – while I would personally love that – would create far more problems than it solved.
The issue had never been forced until a few months back when I hadn't been able to get out of going to Grandpa G's funeral. Well, I had in the end but I'd ended up with a broken leg because of it. Really, the Yeerk in my head might as well have just not bothered going in the first place.
Currently, my parents and Jake were off in Florida visiting some relatives of ours and I was home alone. Semi-alone. And yes, that did mean Disneyworld. I haven't been for years since we haven't flown down to Florida since I was in grade school but this time my parents hadn't insisted I go. They cited the cost of bringing me wouldn't be worth it if I was determined not to enjoy myself and the fact that it wasn't really any special occasion but personally I think they were a little wary considering what happened the last time they had taken me someplace the Yeerk couldn't go.
They were going to be gone for two weeks and had only taken off two days beforehand so there was quite a bit of time that the Yeerk wouldn't need to worry about excuses or curfews. Unfortunately, this also meant that he found himself decidedly bored while he was home.
{This is ridiculous,} the Yeerk complained. {It's only been two days!}
{I know,} I agreed. People always think about horrible trauma and angst when they think about Yeerk infestation. That's there, too, of course and plenty of it but I don't think it's even possibly to be horribly traumatized all the time. Most people wouldn't think of the boredom that can set in when you're a host but there is a great deal of that, too. It's often made even worse when the Yeerk is bored as well because who knows what the Yeerk will get up to? Some Yeerks merely mentally torture you but I've heard whispers of some particularly depraved Yeerks who pass the time by sexually assaulting their hosts' family and friends.
{Well that, at least, you don't need to worry about,} the Yeerk said disdainfully. {That's such a human thing to do and just asking to get caught. If you don't kill your victim, they might tell. If you do kill them, you need to avoid an investigation and dispose of the body. Not to mention that the best way to get away with it with the humans would be to infest the victim or get Yeerk assistance dealing with the clean-up. And everybody knows the official policy on doing something that could bring negative publicity to the Sharing and hurt our cause or in acting too human. How anybody could possibly think it would be worth it is beyond me.}
I really can't decide if his rationale (and the rationale of most Yeerks) is more comforting or disturbing.
{Your family isn't even interesting so how am I so much more bored without them here?} the Yeerk demanded, sounding both frustrated and appalled. Apparently that topic couldn't hold his interest for longer than two minutes. I do wonder about him sometimes.
{I don't know,} I replied. {Perhaps pretending to be me, while you insist is very tedious, kills time?}
{Maybe,} the Yeerk said absently. {But do you know how unprofessional this looks? People will think I miss them or something! You can be killed for that!}
{You can be killed for getting bored?} I asked rhetorically. {The Yeerk Empire is hardcore. Then again, I suppose I've seen Visser Three kill for less.}
{We really should start marking off those particularly decapitation-worthy spots to avoid and teach hosts how to breathe quieter,} the Yeerk said seriously. {It would save us a lot of trouble in the long run.}
{Or perhaps you could just admit that your leader is an unhinged psychopath,} I suggested.
{We could never admit that!} the Yeerk cried, sounding shocked. {Think of what that would do to morale!}
{But you all already know it anyway,} I pointed out.
{There is a difference between secretly knowing something and actually admitting it,} the Yeerk helpfully explained. {I would explain it but frankly that's something that I feel you should already know by now and so my coddling you won't do you any favors.}
That wasn't even worth dignifying with a response.
{I can't even complain about them while they're not here or plot how I'm going to one day infest them all because without their presence it just sounds desperate,} the Yeerk complained.
{I'm the only one who would know,} I pointed out, realizing a little belatedly that I might be inadvertently encouraging him and really, the last thing that Yeerk (or any Yeerk) needed was encouragement. Maybe those Peace Movement Yeerks could use some but I'd never encountered any and I wasn't even entirely sure that they existed. That could just be a convenient excuse to have a Yeerk declared a traitor, after all, and a way to actually root out those who would join such an organization. Very 1984.
{Please. As if we need to get our tactics from some obscure human author,} the Yeerk said dismissively.
{George Orwell is hardly obscure,} I argued.
{You haven't read him,} the Yeerk pointed out.
{No but I was supposed to last year in English. You just couldn't be bothered,} I retorted.
{Why would I bother reading an obscure human author?} the Yeerk asked innocently. {Besides, your teacher was one of us and I outrank her so of course she passed me.}
The circular reasoning that he could employ sometimes was absolutely astonishing.
{Why thank you,} the Yeerk said, pleased.
{That wasn't a compliment,} I said curtly.
The Yeerk pretended not to hear that (which is in and of itself ridiculous because he always picks up on all of my thoughts so he can't fail to notice the ones that I address to him). {And to get back to your earlier point, no Yeerk is willing to show weakness in front of his host and I am no exception.}
{Unless you're only feeling weakness while you're in the Yeerk Pool, it's very difficult for you to avoid it,} I said pointedly.
{Lies and slander,} the Yeerk sniffed. {And it's summer so there's not even anything on TV!}
{So you can't be bored without being a traitor but you can enjoy human entertainment?} I asked incredulously.
{Well, I wouldn't say 'enjoy',} the Yeerk said delicately. {As long as I maintain a careful species distance and just use it as part of my cover while making sure to be silently deriding it then that's perfectly acceptable.}
{But no one is even around so you can't possibly be using it as a cover. Do you think you're being spied on or something?} I demanded.
{I wouldn't put anything past Visser Three in his growing paranoia,} the Yeerk said grimly. {But as it happens, no I do not. And if you'll notice, I'm not watching anything.}
{Only because you said that there's nothing on!} I exclaimed.
{Well, you're the only one here to know that,} the Yeerk pointed out.
{And just five minutes ago you told me that that wasn't a good enough reason to complain about my family or plot their infestation,} I reminded him.
{No I didn't,} the Yeerk denied.
Unbelievable. {Yes, you really did.}
{Can you prove that I did?} the Yeerk challenged.
{Can you prove that you didn't?} I countered.
{Really, Tom, you're being quite absurd. You can't prove a negative. That – and human stupidity – is why there are still people out there who believe in the Loch Ness Monster, fairies, and God,} the Yeerk lectured.
{The first two, sure, but there is so a God!} I cried.
{Whatever helps you get through the day,} the Yeerk said patronizingly. He does this on purpose.
{I can absolutely prove that you said that,} I said firmly.
{Oh?} the Yeerk asked, sounding amused. He already knew, of course. The minute it occurred to me, it occurred to him regardless of if he had thought of it before. It's why if a Yeerk who had a smarter host than them seemed smarter while they still controlled them. {Do tell. And no host is ever smarter than a Yeerk.}
{Not even Visser Three and Alloran?} I asked pointedly.
{Are you trying to say that you think Andalites are smarter than we Yeerks?} the Yeerk asked, highly offended.
{Quite possibly. But the point is that it's Visser Three,} I replied.
{Well…yeah,} he conceded. {But we're not inferior to the Andalites. We have nearly all of their same technology, after all.}
{That you blatantly stole from them. It doesn't take much brilliance to do that,} I pointed out.
{And it would be absolutely stupid to, as you humans say, 'reinvent the wheel',} the Yeerk countered.
{Perhaps but that doesn't mean that anyone has to be convinced that you really could,} I told him. {After all, how's that Yeerk morphing cube going? Or that Anti-Morphing Ray?}
{Even the Andalites don't do everything right on their first try. If Visser Three hadn't had those scientists killed, we might have a working AMR by now,} the Yeerk claimed.
A part of me actually did hope that one day they'd get their hands on a morphing cube. That way they could all get bodies of their own and wouldn't need to control us anymore. Of course, a larger part of me feared that they would do it anyway and would just make us morph-capable so they keep their ability to morph and not being trapped.
{Probably,} the Yeerk agreed. {It's what I'd do at any rate. But you never did tell me how you think you can 'prove' that I said that.}
Since he knew what I was going to say and had purposely brought us back to that anyway, he must have some sort of answer. Morbidly curious, I pressed on. {You can play back my memory of the event and see that what I said was true.}
{Um, no, I'm looking through it now and I don't see anything like what you're describing,} the Yeerk lied.
{Then play it back so that I can see for myself,} I instructed.
{Well, I was going to but now it sounds like you're trying to order me about and that would set a really bad precedent,} the Yeerk said smugly. {Sorry, human.}
{You do like some TV shows,} I said, annoyed. {You never miss Early Edition or Law & Order.}
{Of course I like Early Edition,} the Yeerk replied. {After all, think of how much power he has! He can decide who lives and who dies and he has the ability to make a great deal of money, not to mention appearing right all the time and convincing everyone he's brilliant. I just don't understand why he has to waste all his time saving people for no reward and little recognition but it's a human show so you can't expect perfection.}
{I think you might slightly be missing the point of that show,} I told him slowly.
{I don't think I am, actually,} the Yeerk disagreed. {If anything Gary's the one who's missing the point. Chuck's got the right idea. I tell you, if that happened to me then I could definitely figure out how to get a promotion out of it and let me tell you, trying to get a proper promotion out of Visser Three is like trying to tell if there's an Andalite Bandit nearby.}
{And Law & Order?} I pressed.
{It's a valuable insight to the inner workings of the human court system,} the Yeerk insisted. {And you can't say that that's not important based on how many policemen, lawyers, and judges we've taken.}
{I hardly think it's an accurate representation,} I told him.
{Nonsense, of course it is,} the Yeerk said dismissively. {And how about we talk about the other shows that are on? 'Everybody Loves Raymond'? From what I've seen, they actually all hate him.}
{Oh, they do not; they're family. They just argue,} I replied.
{Not all families are as annoyingly close as yours is,} the Yeerk pointed out. {If nothing else, seeing those people at the Sharing and being forced to listen to their tragic tale of woe should have convinced you of that. And what about Touched by an Angel?}
{What about it?} I asked.
{In addition to the fact that even the title sounds dirty-} the Yeerk began.
{Only to someone with a dirty mind,} I interrupted.
{Which you have,} the Yeerk retorted. {There's also the fact that the angels might be even stupider than the humans are. Or at least that one with the dark hair.}
{Which one?} I asked.
{The woman,} he clarified.
{Both women had dark hair,} I pointed out. {Do you mean the white one or the black one?}
The Yeerk heaved a mental sigh. {Obviously I meant the white one or I would have said 'the black one'.}
{Then why didn't you say the white one in the first place?} I inquired.
{Clearly I overestimated you,} the Yeerk sniped. {Honestly, it is both difficult to believe and distressing to think that someone could be that stupid without being a Hork-Bajir. I think an Andalite would have an easier time fitting in than they would!}
{Did you just say something vaguely positive about an Andalite?} I asked, surprised.
{No,} the Yeerk said quickly. {Just something really negative about those angels.}
{It's just a show,} I felt the need to remind him.
{I know that! But still, somebody had to write it,} he shot back. {And 7th Heaven! The Camden family is so annoying wholesome and sanctimonious they almost make me feel glad that I only have to deal with your family.}
{Really?} I asked innocently. {They sounded like they'd fit in wonderfully at The Sharing.} It was kind of pretentious that they felt the need to capitalize the 't' in 'the.'
{It is not,} the Yeerk argued. {And what about Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Who can take someone named Buffy seriously?}
{I've heard it's actually a good show but it's not like I'd know since you refuse to watch it,} I said pointedly.
{Buffy,} the Yeerk repeated as if that explained everything.
{What about X-Files? I think they have reruns on around now,} I suggested.
{Hm…well, I do like rooting for the aliens,} the Yeerk said thoughtfully. {Though the episodes usually end so depressingly. Still, I suppose it's better than one of them doesn't take over the world so that we can.}
The Yeerk turned the TV on and flipped channels until he found one that was showing X-Files.
Things were quiet for a few minutes as we started to watch the show.
{This is a boring episode!}
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