AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Sorry for the delay in updating, but apart from another dreaded migraine attack, I've been taking some precious time to catch up on seeing the new episodes (up to No. 20/Primary Colors). It was becoming harder to avoid spoilers, so I decided to go for it! They have no impact on my story at all, except that I will have to change the name of the girl whom Jessi looks like…I named her Susan, so I will change it to Sarah at the appropriate time!! A BIG thanks to the readers/reviewers who have been kind enough to stick with me…and a BIG welcome to the new ones! Hope you continue to enjoy… (03Feb08)

(Previous chapter: Missing)

Chapter 38:
Likenesses

Seeing Nicole Trager break into tears after speaking to Amanda had been too much for both Josh and Declan. As Lori had comforted her mother, Josh's cell phone had conveniently started to ring, giving him the perfect excuse to retreat. Declan, on the other hand, had no excuse other than to act on his initial urge to run as far away from the pain as possible with or without a cell phone in his hand. Instead of making a dramatic exit from the situation, however, he quietly withdrew from the kitchen, wanting himself to disappear. Fear and the frustration of helplessness threatened to overwhelm him and he didn't want anyone to be around when it did. He made his way to the lounge, but on finding Josh talking quietly with Andy on his cell phone in there, Declan found his way into Kyle's room.

He wandered over to look out of the window before retreating and perching himself on the edge of Kyle's tub. There was a terrible emptiness to the atmosphere. It amazed him how attuned he had become to his friend's presence, and subsequent absence. Was this what it was like for someone with super senses like Kyle? Kyle was able to sense a presence great distances away…down to every subtle change in a person's mood, body temperature, pulse, even hear them talking or breathing. He could even sense changes in the weather. How does a person get used to picking up all that? Was it a case of just tuning in and out, or was he aware of these things all the time? Declan had never really asked Kyle anything like that before.

Once upon a time, not really that long ago, Declan had completely rejected the idea that any of the stuff that Josh used to spout on about regarding Kyle's amazing abilities was real. Declan felt a pressure building somewhere behind his eyes: he would have given anything at that moment to have the chance to just hang out with Kyle and ask him all the ridiculous questions he could think of. For some reason that he had never really thought about before, he found talking to Kyle really easy; and talking was not one of Declan McDonough's natural strengths, although he did feel that he had improved a little bit in that department since dating Miss Lori 'I have a word for everything' Trager.

A hollow feeling of doom scrabbled around deep inside Declan's gut and he shifted his position. He realised that he had never really studied Kyle's strange yet orderly room before either, but remembered with a reserved fondness the first time he had ever entered it. It was during a thunderstorm just after his car had collided with another vehicle and he had fled the scene in panic. Declan cringed to himself and wondered if he would ever grow out of the desire to run away every time he found himself in a difficult situation. Would he ever choose fight over flight? His mind drifted again to the moment he had climbed through the window that night, soaking wet, and seeing the look of fear on Kyle's face like he had just seen a ghost. Knowing what he now knew about Kyle, that memory took on a whole new significance to Declan.

Kyle must have spent a great proportion of his life feeling scared without really understanding why. How had the guy never lashed out, or screamed and torn his room apart in frustration, or even completely withdrawn from people? Declan was guilty of having done all of those things at some point or other in his life, and for things that were a lot less traumatic than Kyle had experienced. Declan then remembered with another cringe how, during that same storm, he had remarked insensitively to Kyle that Lori had referred to him as a headcase. A wave of sadness welled up and swamped Declan; how wrong everyone had been about that. Between himself and Kyle, Declan knew which one should be labelled the 'headcase'.

He absently stroked the smooth surface of the tub with his right hand. The sudden cold of the enamel brought him out of his reverie and he looked down into Kyle's strange bed. He found himself wondering what it felt like to sleep in there. Looking around self-consciously, he swung his legs over the side and lowered himself into the tub. He leaned back and let himself assume the shape of the curved and slightly sloping end of the bath…it was surprisingly comfortable. Declan slid down and saw the sides loom up as he did so. Lying in the bottom of the tub, he began to feel somewhat claustrophobic as the sides closed in on him; even his own breathing sounded different. But he realised then why it would be comforting for Kyle: if he had spent sixteen years inside such a compact space, there was small wonder that he would have trouble relaxing in the openness of a proper bed.

Declan indulged himself with a slightly wicked thought, wondering whether Kyle's wedding night would be spent in a marital tub? Assuming that Kyle would ever learn what he was supposed to do in one, of course…His friend, for all his speed and agility, was a snail when it came to the subtleties of romance. Declan's smile soon fell away as he wondered seriously whether Kyle ever would grow out of the need to sleep in a tub. Images of fluid-filled chambers forced Declan to push himself up into the open quickly, unconsciously taking a lungful of air with a loud gasp as he felt himself drowning in invisible fluid. He got out of the tub quickly and sat back on the edge, glad to be free of its confines. He just wished his friend were back in the room, filling it with his life force and making everything feel normal again…He smiled in spite of himself: since when had he started applying the word 'normal' to Kyle?

Declan's thoughts began to drive him crazy. He wondered what Kyle was doing. Was he safe? Was he alone? Would they ever see him again? Where was Foss? And what had Adam Baylin meant when he said he would give them the means to stop something terrible from happening to Kyle? How could everyone be hanging around waiting here when Kyle and Mr. Trager needed help? And what was going on with Jessi? Declan needed to do something; every minute spent sitting around meant Kyle was another minute closer to whatever Madacorp was going to do to him…to them all.

Declan's good ankle flexed as his foot tapped out an agitated beat on the floor. He hated relying on other people. He seriously thought about getting in his car and heading for Madacorp, but one sobering fact stopped him: if he had learned anything through his experience in the forest, it had been the realisation that he was not well enough equipped to deal with the danger on his own. He was forced to admit to himself that Foss was the man for the job. It galled him, but he knew that waiting for Foss was the right thing to do. He hoped that trusting him was also right…

Declan's thoughts were disrupted by the sound of the door opening. Without turning around, Declan said, "I'll be out in a minute, Lori, I just needed to think."

"Do you mind if I join you?" Nicole's voice asked quietly.

Declan jumped and stood up, turning to face Nicole who had entered and closed the door quietly behind her. "Mrs. Trager! I'm sorry, I thought you were Lori."

Nicole smiled. "Lori's just making everyone some sandwiches. She needed a job to do." Declan understood that motivation and moved to leave the room, but Nicole stayed him with her hand. "Please, Declan, sit. I want to talk to you for a minute."

Declan repositioned himself on the edge of the tub slowly. "What about?" he asked nervously.

"May I?" Nicole asked, indicating the other side of the tub.

"Sure," Declan said, feeling awkward, wondering if this was how Kyle and Nicole sat when they talked.

Nicole settled herself as comfortably as she could and toyed with a loose strand on her brown tunic. "I'm sorry if my tears made you uncomfortable. I can usually deal with difficult situations, but this one is…well…"

"You don't need to explain anything to me, Mrs. Trager. I'm sorry I left the room, but…" Declan said, still nervous, as the long buried, half forgotten memory of his own mother began to creep back into his conscious mind. He didn't like it and tried to push it back down.

Nicole smiled kindly, her eyes boring into his. "But seeing me upset reminded you of something painful?" she said.

Declan studied her face, amazed at her perceptiveness. No wonder Lori found it hard to pull one over her mom's eyes. "Something like that," he said very quietly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Nicole pressed ever so gently.

Declan eyed her suspiciously and felt self-consciousness rising. "Nothing much to tell really," he began with pretend indifference. "I just remembered…It's just that…when I was little, my mom…" He gave a little sigh of frustration. "My dad's a bit of a…perfectionist, you know? He always expects so much…and…well…my mom used to get upset quite a lot. I always ran away and hid with the dog in the kennel in the back yard."

"That's a pretty common reaction," Nicole said kindly. "It's not something you should be embarrassed about."

"I hated seeing her like that," Declan blurted.

Nicole thought a moment. "Maybe your mother felt like she couldn't live up to your dad's expectations."

"Neither can I," Declan found himself saying before he realised it. He looked up at Nicole, embarrassed.

"Maybe nobody can," she offered.

Declan's brow furrowed. "What are you saying?"

"Nothing. I'm only suggesting the possibility that the fault lies with your dad, not with your mom, or you, or anyone else. And maybe his father had high expectations, too?"

"Yeah, well…whatever. My mom ran away. What kind of woman could run away and leave her kid behind?" Declan asked bitterly, not really expecting a proper response.

Nicole looked at him with compassion; she had heard this question so many times during the course of her work. "Declan, you care very much about Lori…and Kyle…don't you?"

He eyed her with a measure of suspicion, not sure where she was going with the questions. He started to feel uncomfortable. "Of course!" he stated.

"And yet you still feel the need to run away when things get difficult?" she continued.

Declan suddenly glimpsed what she was getting at. He had never thought about it that way before. It didn't make him feel better, however. "So, I'm like my mom? That's just great!"

Nicole shifted her position and said softly, and assuredly, "A lot of responses are learned, Declan. Without guidance, young children will usually go for the easy option; and in situations that provoke hurt or fear, putting as much distance between themselves and the source of the problem is the easiest way to cope. That goes for emotional running away too. Turning around and facing the things that scare or hurt us is the hardest thing to do, even as adults."

Declan squared his jaw. "Kyle does it."

Nicole sat back a bit, surprised at Declan's insight. "Yes, he does. But sometimes I wonder if it's because he doesn't feel like he has any other options." Reminded of his friend, Declan glanced away to consider what Nicole had just said. She watched him closely then after a moment said, "Please don't be so quick to judge your mother; she had her reasons for what she did. And you shouldn't be so quick to judge yourself either."

"What do you mean?" Declan's mind was beginning to flood with thoughts he didn't want to think about.

"You may have run away from a lot of things, Declan, but you didn't run away from Kyle," Nicole stated. "And just like Kyle, you put yourself at risk by keeping his secrets to protect the people you care about without considering the cost to yourself." She leaned over and patted his arm gently. "That makes you someone to be proud of."

Declan found himself staring at his arm where she had touched him. No one had ever told him they were proud of him before. He didn't know how to react. He shifted uncomfortably.

Nicole sensed him squirming. "I didn't mean to upset you," she said gently. "I really only came in here to thank you properly for bringing Kyle home to us."

Declan studied her face, awkward and unable to cope with more praise. "You don't need to do that," he said quite honestly. "I was just following orders." He looked away, feeling doubly awkward at how that sounded.

"Please stop underestimating yourself," Nicole said firmly. "What you did by going after Kyle was very brave. I know how difficult it must have been for you having to deal with Tom Foss."

Declan suddenly brought his eyes up to hers. "What?"

Nicole smiled but met his gaze evenly. "It's obvious to me that you and Tom have some…issues."

"He makes me nervous. I can't read him," Declan responded without hesitation. "And I don't like what he did to Kyle."

"Meaning?" Nicole's eyes narrowed a little with concern.

Declan frowned and swallowed with difficulty as the memory began to enter his mind in preparation for his answer. "He…paralysed him."

Nicole pursed her lips to avoid unleashing her own outrage on that subject then nodded her understanding. "I'm mad about that too," she said softly. Then she rolled her eyes. "And I told him so."

Declan's eyes widened a little at that. "What was his reaction?"

Nicole grinned in spite of herself, remembering the moment: "He closed off and went all 'military' on me." She thought a moment before she added, "I wanted to hit him right between the eyes."

"I've tried that a few times already," Declan snorted with irony, "but the man's too well trained." His eyes fell to his lap.

"I'm proud of you for trying," Nicole smiled.

She watched Declan's face change. This young man she had seen many times in her house, whom her daughter had fallen for (and undoubtedly still carried a torch for), was an enigma to her. But she knew that underneath that exterior basketball hero bravado lurked a frightened boy; she had seen enough of them in her profession to recognise the signs straight away. As though on cue with her own thoughts, Declan's lower lip began to tremble. Another layer of his psyche had been peeled back like an onion and he was powerless to prevent it.

"I really thought he was dead, Mrs. Trager," he uttered with difficulty.

"Who?" Nicole asked, not expecting that at all.

Declan looked up at her then. "Kyle," he stated succinctly. "He wasn't breathing." He wanted desperately to bury his face in Nicole's shoulder and tell her how scared he was; how he had failed in his attempts to resuscitate Kyle. But he pushed it all down and swallowed again with difficulty. "I was sure Foss had killed him." Nicole went cold as she imagined what Declan had witnessed. She shook herself from her momentary lapse and noticed that his eyes were glistening with unshed tears. She watched him say through gritted teeth, "I'm scared something like that will happen to Kyle again. I feel I should have his back, but I'm sitting here now doing nothing...And I badly want to punish Foss for what he did…and I so badly hate having to depend on him."

Nicole found herself marvelling at Declan's control. He was much stronger than he gave himself credit for. She smiled sagely, to which he frowned. "Maybe the two of you are actually more alike than you realise."

Declan didn't have time to mull that uncomfortable observation over, as the door opened and Tom Foss entered, still dressed in his ambulance uniform. Both Nicole and Declan stood up in shock.

"Speak of the devil," Declan muttered with irony.

Nicole gave him a 'behave yourself' look then eyed Foss. "Tom…we didn't hear the doorbell."

Foss looked concerned. "That's because I came through the kitchen. I'm surprised you didn't hear Lori drop the plate of sandwiches." He beckoned. "Come on, we need to get going. I have a lot to explain."

Nicole was first to follow the man from Kyle's room. Declan stood at the door and turned for one last look at the empty space. It seemed to him that somehow Kyle had encouraged him to talk to Nicole without even being present. Declan smiled his thanks into the room and was just about to exit when he noticed something on the desk that piqued his interest. He approached and picked up the item.

"She Could Be You," he read the title of the vinyl record out loud. Then he shrugged, laid it back on the desk and left the room.

(Next chapter: Memories)