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Disclaimer: Is Lee getting chased by Seme's that want him as their Uke? No? Then I don't own Naruto.
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Title: Cherry Lotus
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The 'conversation' he had with Shikamaru stayed in his head. He went 'home' and stopped in front of the door. He could vaguely hear Sakura's clear laughter, Haku's almost inaudible chuckles, and Zabuza's shouting. The corners of his mouth pulled up into something that could almost look like a smile but felt odd on his face. He was stepped back before he could even think better about it, didn't want to think better about it. Then he turned on his heel and left.
That night he spent in the trees of the training area, concealing himself so even Gaara couldn't find him for the night. He didn't sleep, he didn't even train, he just laid there. He only answered Sakura's mental call once, saying that he was safe and that he was simply spending the night at Shikamaru's. A lie but he knew Shikamaru would back him up. He just...needed a night to himself.
When morning came, he sent a thought to Sakura, telling her that he had a few things to do and wouldn't show up at training that day. She sounded worried as she questioned but he gently shushed her and said that there was nothing to worry about.
Lee stared up at the bright blue sky through the tree tops. Warm wind gently rustled the leaves and tickled his face. It was a good day, a nice day...
So why did he feel like he was crawling out of his skin already?
Lee groaned, scrubbing at his face before turning on his side, "This is ridiculous." He muttered to himself, "It should not matter. So what if I have...a-admires." The word made him blush but he still had his sense. Like he said, so what?
"They will most likely hate me after they find out the truth. Shikamaru and Gaara have accepted me, but...this might be the final straw for Kakashi."
He didn't even want to think about Kabuto. Kabuto was someone he didn't know as well as the others, at least, not this early version of him. Lee knew the older, tired one who wanted the war to end and to go back to the orphanage he'd grown up in. The one who wanted to take over that orphanage.
He missed that Kabuto.
-He missed $a! even more. It was getting harder and harder not to think about him-
"What am I going to do...?" Lee murmured, but Shikamaru's words from the day before repeated themselves in his head.
Just be you.
"But what is me?" Lee ground out, "Should I just keep smiling? Should I stay as the twin? That is not me!"
Lee pressed his lips together, feeling ridiculous. He felt like he was throwing a tantrum and hated it. He sighed and covered his eyes, turning onto his back again.
"...What do I want?" Lee asked himself and though he feared the answer, he was never in the business of denying his own mind. He closed his eyes and finally accepted what he wanted.
He wanted to grab them all, each one that 'loved' him and shackle them to him. He wanted to dig his claws into their souls and stop them from ever leaving him.
He wanted.
Lee shakily inhaled and shuddered.
"How disgusting..." Lee murmured, slowly opening his eyes once more to stare up at the sky, "I am truly beyond saving." He chuckled
"Lee?"
Lee's chuckling trickled off and he turned his head to look down at Kakashi. An odd smile curled his lips as he greeted the man, "Kakashi! Good morning, are you on your way to meet with the others?"
"No, Sakura told me that you weren't coming today."
"You are coming earlier and earlier!" Lee said, his smile growing, "I am very happy about that. Though I still have not gotten any grandma cookies from you."
Kakashi chuckled, "Sorry, I'll bring them as soon as I help another old lady." he said then he appeared next to Lee in the tree. He crouched down and got comfortable on the branch next to Lee. He heard Lee giggle and had to smile, the sound making him happy for no other reason than that Lee was happy.
Huh, he never figured himself as the sappy type.
Lee turned his head again, looking straight up as he stretched. Warmth enveloped his muscles before he sighed again and relaxed.
"It's rare for you to miss a chance to train." Kakashi said, silently questioning.
"I have too much on my mind to focus." Lee answered, "...I was told a few things yesterday, and though the information came from someone I know would not lie to me...I am still finding it hard to believe." It wasn't like he didn't believe because he did see it, he noticed it but he blamed it all on his looks. He still had trouble with the knowledge that Shikamaru truly loved him. The boy had kissed him in his own form after all.
"What is it that you don't believe?" Kakashi asked and Lee looked at the man. He was silent for a long moment.
"...I just keep thinking, why me?" Lee finally murmured, staring into Kakashi's only revealed eye. Kakashi was staring back at him, like he cared, and Lee was still trying to find a good reason as to why Kakashi was included in Shikamaru's explanation, "What is so good about me?"
He watched Kakashi's brow furrow and that dark eye dart down for a moment before Lee felt a light touch to his hand. Lee almost looked down but he forced himself not to and the touch firmed. Kakashi had taken his hand without him asking. Lee closed his eyes and smiled again, a soft smile. He curled his fingers around Kakashi's hand.
"I am always thinking it. I really do not deserve the people in my life." Lee whispered. He opened his eyes when the soft hold on his hand quickly tightened and he smiled at Kakashi now.
"You-..." Kakashi tried but he didn't know the words to say. His grip tightened on Lee's hand, his brow furrowing in irritation with himself.
"There are...so many things." Kakashi said, stressing his words, "You're so good."
"Good enough for someone to love?" Lee asked. He felt warmed by Kakashi's words but he still didn't see why. Why did Kakashi love him? He understood Gaara, he showed Gaara acceptance and gave the boy affection. He hadn't thought about it before but of course Gaara would become attached. He didn't understand how or why Shikamaru loved him but he was greedy and would cling to that love with all he had.
Still, why did Kakashi?
"W-what?" Kakashi actually stuttered, shocked, and Lee continued.
"I am...loved. Someone loves me and I cannot fathom the reason why." Lee said, not feeling cruel enough to out Kakashi as one of them, "I do not deserve it, any of it."
"Why?" Kakashi's voice was strained and Lee could feel the rapid beat of his head through their shared grip.
"Because I am broken." Lee had promised not to lie anymore to Kakashi, so he wouldn't and he didn't. "And not even the broken that is beautiful. The shards that make me up were not put back together correctly and they grind when I stop for air."
"What type of broken is beautiful?" Kakashi asked, just something to keep Lee talking while he tried to figure out what to do, what to say. He wanted to pull the 'girl' into his arms and hold her, shield her. He wanted-
"You are beautiful." Lee said, smiling softly, sweetly.
Kakashi's mouth went dry. His heart was racing.
He lost his senses and leaned down, kissing Lee through his mask.
Lee stared at the too close face, feeling fabric against his lips. Even with the fabric, the kiss felt...soft, so very soft. Lee wanted to hate it, hate that Kakashi was proving Shikamaru right. Lee hadn't even wanted to find love, hadn't wanted to give his heart away a second time...but Shikamaru was persistent. Then Gaara just took. Now Kakashi was offering with such a soft kiss.
It was making his lips tingle.
Lee decided to close his eyes, to enjoy the sensation while it was still there -and try not to dig his 'claws' into Kakashi as well-. Then the gentle pressure vanished and Lee automatically tightened his grip on Kakashi's slack hand, stopping the man from running away. Lee slowly opened his eyes and saw that Kakashi was already facing away from him, body stuck in a crouch like he'd been about to jump.
"Kakashi..." Lee said and he both saw and felt the flinch.
"I'm sorry." Kakashi rushed out, not looking at him, "I shouldn't have done that, I-"
"Did you want to?" Lee asked though he knew. Kakashi stopped talking and didn't answer.
"...You cannot love me." Lee murmured and once again, Kakashi flinched, "Not because it is not allowed." that surprised Kakashi enough that the man actually snapped back to look at him, "But because you do not know me. You do not see me, you see Sakura."
His accusation was enough to make Kakashi talk.
"No!" Kakashi said, voice rough with how sharply he barked it, "Why would I see her? You're not her, she's nothing like you! You-" Kakashi stopped again and tried to pull his hand out of Lee's grip without hurting the other. Lee refused to let go.
"But these looks of mine-"
"That's not what I fell for!" Kakashi interrupted Lee, "You're so young. How could I-"
Lee could see the self-disgust in Kakashi's eye and hated it. He moved so he was kneeling, bringing himself closer to Kakashi.
"I am not young." Lee said, "I have not been young in ten years."
Was he really going to?
To make that self-loathing go away...
Yes.
"I have not been young since my first kill at age thirteen. I have not been young since I had two of my limbs crushed at fourteen, since I almost lost my previous dream and way of life. I have not since we lost one of our own and it lead us all down a road we could not come back from. I have not been young since I fought in a war, won, then was thrown into another that destroyed everything." Lee said, his words coming out faster and faster.
"I have not been young since at the age of twenty-three, my soul got sent back in time to fix our future because I was the only choice and I got stuck in Sakura's body."
Kakashi was frozen, felt frozen under his hand. But Lee was fighting himself, his body threatening to shake as he panted from his raging emotions.
"So do not say you cannot because of my age. You cannot because you do not know me. You cannot because I am not worthy of someone like you." He wasn't worthy of anyone.
Kakashi's hand twitched, his eye wide. It darted from side to side, staring into both of Lee's eyes. There was silence before Kakashi slowly started gripping Lee's hand back.
"...Tell me. Show me who you are."
Lee smiled tiredly and allowed himself to take his rightful form. ANBU Uniform and all. There was a sharp intake of breath as Lee's image suddenly changed to someone vaguely familiar but older. Lee blinked his tired black eyes and his teeth were still brightly white as he gave a half grin that wasn't very joyful at all.
"I am Lee."
"You're Gai's..."
"Yes." Lee said, "Do you understand now?" he asked, pained, "I had been...I had been lying to you, to you all. And now you do not love me anymore, right? You hate me. You hate me and now you are going to tell everyone else about me and you will be taken from me." Lee's thought's spiraled and this time it was him pulling his hands away to cover his face.
He will not get to save everyone. He will not get to keep those he loved, safe. He will not be able to see Shikamaru anymore, or Gaara, or Kakashi, Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto, Zabuza, Haku, any of them. He will-
He couldn't move his hand.
"Tell me something to prove that you are who you say you are." Kakashi said, demanded, begged. The way Lee had always acted, so close to him, so gently concerned. Lee had to have known him closely in the...future? It was almost impossible to believe but he wanted to. The way Lee treated him, plus what he just said...
In this world of theirs, time travel...it wasn't that far out of their reach, right?
"Hm..I suppose the gates. Gai-sensei taught me how to open the Eight Gates. Even now, my younger self has the ability to open five. The only one who knows is Gai-sensei and myself." Lee said, honestly surprised that Kakashi wasn't gone, that it was now Kakashi who was holding him there.
"The gat-!?" Kakashi began but forced himself to stop. He shook his head then stared at the changed Lee in front of him. The real Lee if everything was the truth -he was torn, he wanted it to be the truth but that also meant that Konoha was in danger. Lee's dream made a lot more sense now. To make sure Konoha survives-.
Kami, he was beautiful.
"Stay here." Kakashi said, squeezing Lee's hand, "Stay here and I will go see if what you say is true."
"...I will not move." Lee said with a tired sigh, sitting down with his legs crossed. He gave Kakashi a tired smile and nodded, "I promise."
Kakashi was trusting him and Lee wanted to keep that trust.
Then Kakashi was gone and Lee was by himself again.
"...I hope I have not made a mistake." Lee whispered to himself.
If Kakashi accepts his truth...how would he feel later? How does he feel now? Did Kakashi find him disgusting? Did Kakashi lose his feelings of love? Shikamaru had actually said that 'they' would fall harder if they saw the real him.
How could he believe that?
Lee knew what he looked like. At least when he was younger, he looked...softer, less haunted by things that he couldn't get away from. When he was younger, he was youthful and full of vigor. Now?...Now he was tired. And it showed.
Lee lifted his hands and touched his face, his fingers smoothing just under his eyes where he knew dark circles laid. His eyes closed and his lashes rested against his fingertips.
It was odd but...good, to be able to touch his own face once again. The features he knew so well felt odd under his fingers. He was used to touching the soft, supple cheeks of a young girl, not the slightly gaunt ones of a man who lived on the go. He felt his own high cheek bones, following them to his temples then down to his smooth jawline. He followed that inwards then went up to his lips, defined and full but chapped. They weren't bad but he'd heard plenty of comments about them before.
-$a! called them soft...-
Lee sighed, his breath warming his fingers as his brows furrowed. He stopped his inspection and left his hands fall to his lap then opened his eyes.
"Really...I do not know why anyone could-..." Lee murmured but then cut himself off and sighed again, shaking his head.
Suddenly he heard the rustling of tree branches and knew Kakashi had come back. The man stopped right in front of him and Lee looked up with another tired smile.
"Have I proven who I am?" Lee asked
Kakashi dropped to one knee, bringing himself closer to Lee. His hand went up but hovered next to Lee's face. His lungs shook as Lee slowly leaned his cheek into his hand. Kakashi swallowed hard.
"Is your dream the same?" Kakashi asked instead.
"Yes. To make sure Konoha survives, I am willing to die-"
"Don't say that!" Kakashi cut Lee off, his other hand going up so he was holding Lee's face -So different and much older than the one he'd been wearing. It made him ache and he wanted to...-, "Don't you dare say that..."
Lee felt a flare of guilt and closed his mouth. He reached up and cupped Kakashi face as well, gently brushing his thumbs over the fabric of the mask. "I am sorry. If it helps, I do not want to die. I do not want to leave you."
Kakashi's breath caught and his hands twitched for just a second. Lee stared up at him with eyes that could understand him.
"Have you stopped loving me yet?" Lee asked, looking like he was waiting for him to say yes.
"No" Kakashi said and Lee's expression faltered into pained happiness. Lee shook his head and his hands fell to Kakashi's shoulders, gripping them desperately.
"Do you want me to say yes?" Kakashi tried to keep his voice light but it hurt. Was he being rejected? That thought hurt more. He could deal with it but he didn't want to.
"I do not want that either!"
Kakashi felt relieved and confused at the same time but maybe it meant he did have a chance. Lee had called his broken, beautiful..."Why?" Kakashi asked
"Because I want to dig my fingers in and never let go! I want to make it so you can never even think about leaving me!" Lee shouted, bowing his head even as his grip tightened on Kakashi's shoulders, "So for your own sake, say yes. Hate me and want nothing to do with me. Because unless you do that, I will keep trying to keep you by my side-"
There was pressure against his mouth, warm and somehow soft despite it being hard. Lee's hands twitched at feeling the fabric. Then it was gone and so was one hand. Then it was all back and it felt like skin. Lee whimpered.
"Keep me by your side." Kakashi said against his mouth, "Dig your fingers and I will dig mine." as if to emphasize, Kakashi's fingers dug into his hair, pulling him harder into the kiss. But it was still so soft.
Lee kissed back though everything in him told him not to. He pressed closer, wrapping his arms around Kakashi and gripping the back of his jacket desperately. He bit at Kakashi's lips, making the man groan, before forcing himself to pull back.
"I cannot!" Lee gasped, tears pricking at the back of his eyes, "I cannot do this to you. You deserve more than someone who cannot-" Lee tried to pull back completely but Kakashi still held onto him.
"Cannot what? Where you lying to me?"
"No!" Lee shook his head, his heart throbbing at the strained sound in Kakashi's voice, "I am seeing Shikamaru. He had confessed to me. He is also the one who told me about your feelings. He gave me permission to continue as I have, to do as I wish! But that makes me an unfaithful person!"
Lee yanked himself away, tears spilling down his cheeks, "I hate this feeling inside me. I love you, I love you and him and-" Lee shook his head again, "I was not lying, I want to shackle you all to me. I want to cut off any escape route, make it so none of you can be taken from me, not by life or death! I do not want to be left behind anymore!"
Lee was panting, the only sound besides the wind in their tiny world. His shoulders shook and he made himself look up. Kakashi was staring at him, his hands still in the air like he froze the moment Lee pulled away from him. Lee pressed his lips together, trying to steady his raging emotions. His body slowly calmed until he was still again, then he said, "So please...hate me."
"You love me?"
Lee blinked his glassy eyes and stared at Kakashi with surprise. Then he began to chuckle, the chuckle evolved into a laugh and Lee covered his face. Then it all stopped. He kept his face covered and his head bowed.
"...Yes, I do...I love you so much. The way you care so much about those kids, the way your eye crinkles when you smile, that you trust me enough to show me your face, the way it feels so intimate when you do because I know it is such a rare thing. I love it all, I love you." Lee slowly dropped his hands, a sad smile curling his lips.
A hand touched his cheek and a thumb brushed the tear trail away. Lee looked up again, staring at Kakashi's still bare face. He took in the straight nose, thin but so soft lips, and the beauty mark right at the bottom corner of his mouth. It was all so...lovely. Even the scar trailing down Kakashi's cheek only added to how handsome the man was. But it was the fact that Kakashi was letting him see it all that Lee loved the most.
"But it does not matter. Do you not understand?" Lee said, his voice shaking, "I love you but I love Shikamaru too and I will not turn away from him. Then there is the fact that I am Sakura's twin now and-... I will be doing some very dangerous things. I know some things that are coming that I-... I do not know how to avoid without it becoming so much worse."
His mind kept going back to the Hokage, how he was willing to let the man die. The leader of the village. Surely Kakashi would hate him after that? But how could he change that? Was there a way to get Hiruzen to step down and somehow get Tsunade to come and be the next Hokage? Hiruzen needed to step down.
"Then let me help you." Kakashi said, making Lee look back at him, "Let me help you, let me-...let me love you too. It doesn't matter, what you look like. I know what's under that image." Kakashi began to smile and Lee was caught by it.
"...Are you sure? I was not lying about what I said." Lee whispered
"Yes." Kakashi's smile grew a little and he leaned down, his breath brushing over Lee's lips, "So...?"
Lee swallowed, his heart racing once more. He released a shaky breath, his eyes still stuck on Kakashi's curve lips. Then he nodded, "O-okay."
Kakashi kissed him again.
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